sadgirl25

Hi guys,

I was writing on here about 18 months ago but have been away for while.
There is probably a link between my mother giving up drink and being forced to attend AA as a last chance by my father 18 months ago and then her staying dry until last Monday. 18 months she managed and then she got completely hammered while my Dad was away in London. He phoned me to ask what he should do about it because he could tell there was something wrong and when he accused her of drinking on the phone she shouted obscenities at him and refused to answer any more calls. Why did he have to phone me?!!!!! I said that I would phone in the hope she would answer to me if I started leaving a message but she didn't.

Eventually Dad decided he would drive home to see what was happening as he gets very scared that she will do something stupid. He was very upset when he got home to find her very drunk and trying to physically attack him and blaming him for everything bad in her life. The next morning he phoned me to say that he thought possibly someone else had been in the house with her so he didn't know if she was having an affair or just had a drinking buddy. So you can imagine I was all over the place. But by the following day when I phoned to see if she was still drinking he said no it was all quieter and she was at least talking to him but that he would make a decision about their future at the weekend as this was supposed to have been her final chance.

The weekend came and went and he never called and it wasn't until Monday morning that I received a very short email saying everything was fine and that he had talked to her about why she was so angry with him and had been drinking. I KNEW this would happen! He has just given in until the next time. He has not lived through the hell that I have as he was away working when I was growing up so I bore the brunt of it. This is why he gets so panicky now about the situation whereas before he used to think I was just over reacting. It makes me so angry.

So I decided to tell him just how I felt for a change. I emailed back explaining all this and he replied apologising for dragging me into it when "I have my own life" and said that from now on he would just deal with it on his own as he didn't want it to affect my relationship with my mother. I got more angry and said that I don't have a relationship with my mother and I can't trust her because she lets me down especially after the last time of saying she would take care of me over Christmas when my boyfriend left me and then when I got there she was hammered. I don't know what planet my Dad lives on! I said I wanted space as I didn't want to be continually relied upon like a friend or mother to him but that I would be very angry if he didn't inform me when she was drinking as he had lied to me about that for a few months leading up to that Christmas and it hurt me worse than if I had been prepared. This email was sent on Monday lunchtime and he has not replied or tried to contact me.

My boyfriend is very proud of me for standing up to my parents and so am I but I hate not having had a reply from my dad. Any views on the situation greatly appreciated.

Thanks everyone.
xxxxx

GingerM

It sounds like you did a good job of setting your boundaries and identifying your emotions. It also sounds to me like your dad is injured and reacting the only way he knows how (my guess is that he's got some pretty significant codependent tendencies). He thought he had, in you, someone he could unload on and use as a middleman. When he found out he didn't, he "took his ball and went home".

I know you hate not having the closure a reply from your dad would provide (or, might NOT provide - a reply might just make the situation worse). You may need to accept that a lack of closure is all the closure you're going to get surrounding this issue.

I'm glad to hear that you didn't go running to "save" your mom from herself and that you've done such a good job of extricating yourself from between your parents. Both of those are very healthy behaviors and will help you stay sane.

I wish I could offer you the hope that your dad will see what you've been trying to explain to him, but my guess is that he won't. At least not anytime soon.

Wish I had more to offer you.

dothi

Seconding GingerM. The first feeling I get from reading your post is that your dad has some serious codependency issues. He hasn't hit his "bottom" with your mom yet, and is not ready to face the problem for what it is.

I definitely think you did the right thing by standing up for yourself. Not only can people enable alcoholics, but we can also enable their enablers - their codependents. By standing up for yourself, you're forcing out the pink elephant, which your dad does not sound ready to face.

I've been in this situation with my mom (who is codie to my AF), and all I can do to protect myself is lower the expectations I have for her. She may leave one day, she may not. I'll be happy for her if/when she does, but in the meantime I have to take of myself and live my own life. GingerM has the right idea - I can't expect my mom to provide me with closure on my AF's behavior. You might have to consider the same for your dad.

TheGirlInside

Welcome back, SG25.

Your post caught my eye, as I have been away from SR.com for a while myself...a number of reasons why, but have been 'hungry' to come back.

Part of the reason why, was because (gulp) I ended up staying with my parents, which was only supposed to be for the summer, but ended up lasting for almost a year!!

I thought that after all my 12-steppings, meetings, forums, books, self-help, therapy, etc. etc. that I would be able to deal with them much more healthily, and then they would have to respond accordingly. I have since realized that thinking that was really naive.

After a few months, I finally realized 1. I was acting just like I had as a teen, and falling victim to their using that against me to confirm what they thought of me (psycho, crazy, b***y, mean, hateful, and so on), and 2. I really am the black sheep,so to speak, of the family. That was a hard reality to accept.

Well, here I go on and on about me. I think you did the right thing as well, but am wondering why you want a phone call the next time your mother drinks.

I'm still reeling and healing from the past year...feel like I fell backwards quite a ways, but am working on getting back on track. My attitude is Love from a Distance. I love them, though I will not give it to them, because that only opens me up for continual abuse.

Sorry if I was rambling.

Take care,
KBear

sadgirl25

Thanks everyone for your helpful words. My Dad emailed me on Saturday night and I read it this morning. He just updated me on what he and Mum are up to and said that she has been dry this week and he thinks it was just a blip. I don't know whether to respond or not. I just don't feel like I can get any distance from them even though I live somewhere else. I don't know how I feel about them. Everyone says they still love their parents but don't want to be too close to them. I'm not sure what I feel towards mine. I'm not sure how much love I have for them at the moment. Is it a feeling that comes and goes? Am I allowed to keep changing how I feel or should I just accept everything that happens or break away from them completely? Sorry for being all over the place with my writing. Any advice would be great.
Thanks
xxxxx

GingerM

Both of my parents are alcoholics. I can't say that I love my mother, looking back over the years since my first memories, I don't think I ever have. I *want* to love her, but I think that's really translates into "I want her to behave in a manner which would earn my love."

I love my father. He can push my buttons now and then, but I do love him genuinely. Most of the time he's a reasonable person. But now and then he crosses some boundaries that aren't acceptable to me, and I have to sift through that.

You can change the way you feel about your parents from day to day and minute to minute, but you must accept that it is what it is or you'll drive yourself insane. Acceptance does not mean you suddenly find nirvana. It means that you make a deal with yourself that you will not try to change them, and that you can not change them, and that the only person you can change is yourself.

For me, sometimes that means I walk out of my parents house when things get ugly. Sometimes it means I simply ignore comments they make to me. Sometimes I slip and allow myself to get caught up in the mess, but I work on how to do a better job next time. Sometimes I want to move very very very far away and never deal with them again. Other times I see that it's not really feasible (they moved across 3 time zones to be close to me - if I move, would they move again? - that could get expensive after a while).

This isn't an "or" question. You could continue to change how you feel (which will likely happen if you continue working on your own recovery) AND you can accept what happens AND you could break away from them completely. Or you could do some combination of the above. There are very very few "shoulds" in life. It would be in your best interest to do whatever makes you the healthiest.

sadgirl25

Thanks for your reply GingerM. I think I am confused and annoyed with myself for feeling so strongly the hate for them when something bad happens but then because I don't speak to them every day the feeling fades and I start to miss some idea of them though it can't actually be them as they never behave how I want in reality. I'm wondering whether I need to deal with this or whether this is how others feel.

GingerM

Unfortunately, the answer again is the same. It isn't either/or. You need to deal with this, AND it is how others feel. The times I'm most vulnerable to slipping back into old patterns is when my parents have been off on a vacation or otherwise essentially removed from me for several months. When they return, often I will have found that I've gotten "lazy" or "forgetful" of my own recovery, and *bing* I'm right back in the same mess of expecting behaviors from them that they have given me no reason to expect, then being let down/upset when they don't behave the way I wanted them to. That's when I have to go dig around in my box of recovery tools and brush up.

I will say that it's to be expected that if you're not around a situation for a prolonged time, and the situation requires a certain set of skills, and those skills aren't being used when you're not around the situation, the skills get rusty. It's easy to fall prey to the old behaviors and desires. Recovery and the tools that go with it are much like any other skill set - use 'em or lose 'em. For me, when I forget to use them and they get rusty, it tends to come back to bite me later on.

You're not alone in feeling how you feel, but that doesn't mean that you don't need to work on finding tools to manage the situation in a manner that allows you to keep your own peaceful spot inside of you when you are having to cope with whatever the situation hands you.

dolce7dolore

Others DO feel exactly the way that you do. I know I do. I've asked myself plenty of times whether it's even worth it to try to keep up a relationship with my parents. I also do the whole "oh, it won't be that bad this time" thing that you mention. It's funny because although I've been let done all my life, there's some little part in me that says it really will be okay this time. It never is, and it never will be. I'm just trying to learn how to accept what I have, which is very little.

I also think you were right in standing up to your dad. If I changed the situation, I could have used almost all of your words. Your father telling you that "everything is fine now," such B.S. I'm sorry, but it's true, and even he knows it. You are not his friend/mother and I say good job in telling him that, even if he reacted poorly. I know how much it can hurt to say... simply what you feel... but I think in the long run it's the right thing to do in any situation really.

sadgirl25

Hi Dolce7dolore,

Thank you for your post. It makes me feel that I am not alone. My Dad emailed again yesterday. I can see a habit forming here. He said that he really missed catching up on my news on the phone and other guilt trip like things. Then he went on about his lack of work any money troubles in detail. He also wanted to know exactly what my boyfriend and I are up to. I replied stating that I found it very difficult to be in touch with them at the moment because they kept hurting me so I was staying away for my own good and that I would tell him our news but that he had to stop guilt tripping me into it. Then I told him our news. It was probably a bad idea as I was being strong but then also giving into his request and he will just read it as oh good things are getting better. We'll see when he replies I guess. My thoughts are with you too.