Having a terrible morning
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tampa, Florida
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Having a terrible morning
I woke up this morning with a terrible urge to contact my XABF. Today is day 11 of no contact. I have been doing great up until today. It's strange how the urge just suddenly popped up. I have been having terrible nightmares about him every night. The worst one was dreaming that I was pregnant by him, and then he committed suicide. The feeling of having to raise the baby with no support was terrible.
Then when I woke up, I realized that one of my contact lenses had come out of my eye during the night. This was my last pair. Shouldn't be a big deal right? Well now I can't find my glasses. I broke down into tears over this. Just bawled my eyes out for like 15 minutes. What am I crying over? The contacts? Or my Ex?
I'm going insane. I guess I just had it in my head that he would be trying to break my door down by now. He hasn't. It's over. Really over. I thought I had come to this realization already, but apparently I hadn't. I just can't stop crying. I feel so alone and used. I feel like none of the things I did mattered. I feel like I'm not ever going to be ready to find someone else.
I know this thread is pretty pointless. It's just me venting, but at least I can put it on paper. I hurt so bad!
Then when I woke up, I realized that one of my contact lenses had come out of my eye during the night. This was my last pair. Shouldn't be a big deal right? Well now I can't find my glasses. I broke down into tears over this. Just bawled my eyes out for like 15 minutes. What am I crying over? The contacts? Or my Ex?
I'm going insane. I guess I just had it in my head that he would be trying to break my door down by now. He hasn't. It's over. Really over. I thought I had come to this realization already, but apparently I hadn't. I just can't stop crying. I feel so alone and used. I feel like none of the things I did mattered. I feel like I'm not ever going to be ready to find someone else.
I know this thread is pretty pointless. It's just me venting, but at least I can put it on paper. I hurt so bad!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
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Seems like when it rains, it pours, doesn't it? 
You'll be fine if you just push ahead and don't give in to the urge to contact him. It's much like an alcoholic has to push through the urges to drink. You can do it. Stay strong. Contacting your XABF isn't going to help you find your glasses. 
You'll be fine if you just push ahead and don't give in to the urge to contact him. It's much like an alcoholic has to push through the urges to drink. You can do it. Stay strong. Contacting your XABF isn't going to help you find your glasses. Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Lucid,
Take five deep breaths: count of four in, hold for two, let it out for seven. Repeat four times. When we're upset, we start breathing really shallowly, and that creates an oxygen deprivation that makes things worse. Breathe. Close your eyes. Think of something beautiful.
Now think: What is it about today that -- physiologically -- might be causing your mind to do this to you? Though there may be emotional perks to thinking that it's something metaphysical, in my life, 95% of it is usually just plain body mechanics.
Some of my primary suspects are: Hormonal shifts; not enough uninterrupted sleep; heat; not enough hydration; not enough fresh air and light and serenity; not enough B vitamins, or having them destroyed in my body by drinking alcohol; too much salt in a meal or meals, making my tissues hold water, pressing in on my brain like a concussion.
I go through them, one by one. I drink lots of water. I examine my sleep situation and fix it. I take a huge Stress-B complex. I eat lightly and well. I take an hour's walk in the fresh air. I write in my journal. I make an appointment with my counselor.
Note that none of these things has to do with "him". He will be fine.
You are doing great -- maybe you need to talk this out to get over an emotional "hump day". Recovery is not a straight line. Sometimes it zigs and zags back and forth a bit.
You can 'zag' here all you want
You're among friends.
Take five deep breaths: count of four in, hold for two, let it out for seven. Repeat four times. When we're upset, we start breathing really shallowly, and that creates an oxygen deprivation that makes things worse. Breathe. Close your eyes. Think of something beautiful.
Now think: What is it about today that -- physiologically -- might be causing your mind to do this to you? Though there may be emotional perks to thinking that it's something metaphysical, in my life, 95% of it is usually just plain body mechanics.
Some of my primary suspects are: Hormonal shifts; not enough uninterrupted sleep; heat; not enough hydration; not enough fresh air and light and serenity; not enough B vitamins, or having them destroyed in my body by drinking alcohol; too much salt in a meal or meals, making my tissues hold water, pressing in on my brain like a concussion.
I go through them, one by one. I drink lots of water. I examine my sleep situation and fix it. I take a huge Stress-B complex. I eat lightly and well. I take an hour's walk in the fresh air. I write in my journal. I make an appointment with my counselor.
Note that none of these things has to do with "him". He will be fine.
You are doing great -- maybe you need to talk this out to get over an emotional "hump day". Recovery is not a straight line. Sometimes it zigs and zags back and forth a bit.
You can 'zag' here all you want
You're among friends. Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I call days like that the "broken doorknob" syndrome. Never fails that something else happens - like the doorknob coming off in my hand or something.
Okay, so maybe you were secretly thinking he'd be back to break your door down 'cause you're the best thing that ever happened to him, and how could he leave the best thing that ever happened to him? All those things you did for him that no one else would have/could have right?
Well - the thing is even if he thinks that, he'll just be maneuvering to manipulate you again. If you feel used now, just think how you'll feel 20 years down the road after this same cycle repeats itself 100 times.
Count your blessings and go find your glasses
:ghug3
I guess I just had it in my head that he would be trying to break my door down by now. He hasn't. It's over. Really over. I thought I had come to this realization already, but apparently I hadn't. I just can't stop crying. I feel so alone and used. I feel like none of the things I did mattered. I feel like I'm not ever going to be ready to find someone else.
Well - the thing is even if he thinks that, he'll just be maneuvering to manipulate you again. If you feel used now, just think how you'll feel 20 years down the road after this same cycle repeats itself 100 times.
Count your blessings and go find your glasses
:ghug3
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Join Date: Jun 2009
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Posts: 108
Thanks guys. I know, I need to find my glasses. This is rediculous.
Contacting him would be really stupid. It would just cause more pain.
Stillwater, maybe yeah, a little. I might have thought that It seems to be the only thing that comforts me in the dark times. The thought of him being with anyone else is killing me. It shouldn't I know. But it does.
Contacting him would be really stupid. It would just cause more pain.
Stillwater, maybe yeah, a little. I might have thought that
It seems to be the only thing that comforts me in the dark times. The thought of him being with anyone else is killing me. It shouldn't I know. But it does.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Actually, it might be a good idea to focus on that. Why does it hurt you so badly to think of a man who is incapable of giving/loving/sharing being with someone else?
Why are you picturing the magical pixie dust version of him, and not the reality?
I had to take a look at the whys, before I left my AH. Why did I keep staying, waiting for that time "when it would get better"? Why couldn't I just admit that it was what it was and it wasn't getting any better, ever?
Why didn't I think I deserved better than that? Part of the reason was I believed what he said, that it was all me, that I was the problem in our marriage.
Why are you picturing the magical pixie dust version of him, and not the reality?
I had to take a look at the whys, before I left my AH. Why did I keep staying, waiting for that time "when it would get better"? Why couldn't I just admit that it was what it was and it wasn't getting any better, ever?
Why didn't I think I deserved better than that? Part of the reason was I believed what he said, that it was all me, that I was the problem in our marriage.
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Because I keep going back to the IDEA of him and what could have been. I'm 27 years old and I feel like I should have the nice, family version on my happiness. I know I could not have achieved this with him. It took me awhile to realize that. But its so hard to think that I'm nearing 30 and I can't seem to get it right. I keep picking men I need to take care of. I take care of them, and it still doesn't work. I know thats part of my codependent nature. I'm just ranting now lol.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
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Well, not to depress you, but I'm 40 and I still can't get it right either This is what I concentrate on in therapy though, WHY do I pick men that are unavailable to me? WHY am I not attracted to stable men? Etc.
This is what I concentrate on in therapy though, WHY do I pick men that are unavailable to me? WHY am I not attracted to stable men? Etc.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Originally Posted by Still Waters 
Well, not to depress you, but I'm 40 and I still can't get it right either This is what I concentrate on in therapy though, WHY do I pick men that are unavailable to me? WHY am I not attracted to stable men? Etc.
This is what I concentrate on in therapy though, WHY do I pick men that are unavailable to me? WHY am I not attracted to stable men? Etc.To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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Originally Posted by luciddreamrgrl
Because I keep going back to the IDEA of him and what could have been. I'm 27 years old and I feel like I should have the nice, family version on my happiness. I know I could not have achieved this with him. It took me awhile to realize that. But its so hard to think that I'm nearing 30 and I can't seem to get it right. I keep picking men I need to take care of. I take care of them, and it still doesn't work. I know thats part of my codependent nature. I'm just ranting now lol.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Honey, that's what we're here for-to vent to each other, because we've all been there and understand.
I totally understand your sadness. It's been about 10 days since me and the ex broke up, and I've had periods of missing him and breaking down. But what am I missing, really? Am I missing him, as he is now, or am I missing the potential he could be, without the drinking? I think it's the latter...
You're sad that he hasn't been contacting you. But seriously, what would be the benefit of him doing so? Would you go back to him? Is it for some sort of ego boost, or just to know that he misses you? You might want to search your soul to see why his silence is causing you such pain...
For me, I HAD to change my number to avoid getting sucked in. I do miss him, but I'm glad he can't contact me. It is making it easier for me to move on with my life, which I know, KNOW KNOW deep in my heart with no doubt I truly MUST DO, since he couldn't be any further from recovery than he was on July 4th.
I totally understand your sadness. It's been about 10 days since me and the ex broke up, and I've had periods of missing him and breaking down. But what am I missing, really? Am I missing him, as he is now, or am I missing the potential he could be, without the drinking? I think it's the latter...
You're sad that he hasn't been contacting you. But seriously, what would be the benefit of him doing so? Would you go back to him? Is it for some sort of ego boost, or just to know that he misses you? You might want to search your soul to see why his silence is causing you such pain...
For me, I HAD to change my number to avoid getting sucked in. I do miss him, but I'm glad he can't contact me. It is making it easier for me to move on with my life, which I know, KNOW KNOW deep in my heart with no doubt I truly MUST DO, since he couldn't be any further from recovery than he was on July 4th.
Originally Posted by luciddreamrgrl
I woke up this morning with a terrible urge to contact my XABF. Today is day 11 of no contact. I have been doing great up until today. It's strange how the urge just suddenly popped up. I have been having terrible nightmares about him every night. The worst one was dreaming that I was pregnant by him, and then he committed suicide. The feeling of having to raise the baby with no support was terrible.
Then when I woke up, I realized that one of my contact lenses had come out of my eye during the night. This was my last pair. Shouldn't be a big deal right? Well now I can't find my glasses. I broke down into tears over this. Just bawled my eyes out for like 15 minutes. What am I crying over? The contacts? Or my Ex?
I'm going insane. I guess I just had it in my head that he would be trying to break my door down by now. He hasn't. It's over. Really over. I thought I had come to this realization already, but apparently I hadn't. I just can't stop crying. I feel so alone and used. I feel like none of the things I did mattered. I feel like I'm not ever going to be ready to find someone else.
I know this thread is pretty pointless. It's just me venting, but at least I can put it on paper. I hurt so bad!
Then when I woke up, I realized that one of my contact lenses had come out of my eye during the night. This was my last pair. Shouldn't be a big deal right? Well now I can't find my glasses. I broke down into tears over this. Just bawled my eyes out for like 15 minutes. What am I crying over? The contacts? Or my Ex?
I'm going insane. I guess I just had it in my head that he would be trying to break my door down by now. He hasn't. It's over. Really over. I thought I had come to this realization already, but apparently I hadn't. I just can't stop crying. I feel so alone and used. I feel like none of the things I did mattered. I feel like I'm not ever going to be ready to find someone else.
I know this thread is pretty pointless. It's just me venting, but at least I can put it on paper. I hurt so bad!
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Babe, I am FORTY-TWO and can't get it right! lol
It's never too late to change...
You know, I can relate to mourning the IDEA of what he could be. I was at the gym and ended up scrolling through some very loving text messages he sent me. That's the ex I LOVE LOVE LOVE and wish could always be there.
Then I scrolled through his text msgs about his drinking-full of excuses, rationalizations and deflection. That ex, I do not miss, and I do not mourn.
Maybe we need some kind of ritual, to accept the impossibility of that first man, the one we wish our exes could be? Like, writing down all of the good qualities he has, minus the drinking, then burning it?
Just a thought.
It's never too late to change...
You know, I can relate to mourning the IDEA of what he could be. I was at the gym and ended up scrolling through some very loving text messages he sent me. That's the ex I LOVE LOVE LOVE and wish could always be there.
Then I scrolled through his text msgs about his drinking-full of excuses, rationalizations and deflection. That ex, I do not miss, and I do not mourn.
Maybe we need some kind of ritual, to accept the impossibility of that first man, the one we wish our exes could be? Like, writing down all of the good qualities he has, minus the drinking, then burning it?
Just a thought.
Originally Posted by luciddreamrgrl
Because I keep going back to the IDEA of him and what could have been. I'm 27 years old and I feel like I should have the nice, family version on my happiness. I know I could not have achieved this with him. It took me awhile to realize that. But its so hard to think that I'm nearing 30 and I can't seem to get it right. I keep picking men I need to take care of. I take care of them, and it still doesn't work. I know thats part of my codependent nature. I'm just ranting now lol.
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Location: Here, Now
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Hey friend and fellow lucid dreamer, it's not the hurt and pain that'll do you in, its the medicating it away. Hang in there, everything comes and goes and comes and goes moment by moment.
Because we’re so caught up in our intellectualizing, our emotions, and our mental constructions, the objects of our concern seems compellingly real for us—and gripping. Furthermore, virtually everyone around us is caught in the same way. Thus we create shared delusions.”—Steve Hagen
Namaste
Because we’re so caught up in our intellectualizing, our emotions, and our mental constructions, the objects of our concern seems compellingly real for us—and gripping. Furthermore, virtually everyone around us is caught in the same way. Thus we create shared delusions.”—Steve Hagen
Namaste
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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I feel like I'm not ever going to be ready to find someone else.
I had to make myself ready, not wait around!! And it took time, and for me, therapy.
One of the things I focused on in therapy after my divorce was why did I have the capacity to pick such good girlfriends but would choose the worst men as partners? And I NEEDED a therapist to help me get to the roots of that stuff, and keep me on track.
It helped me to change my radar alot, and though I live it one day a time, I am now in a really solid relationship with a guy who is my FRIEND! Who has all the qualities of a great friend first and foremost. It didn't mean I had to abandon passion or mad sexual attraction, it just helped me not let that initial attraction blind me to who this person really is...I had to get my priorities in the right order!
Don't beat yourself up...life is full of mysteries, pain, joy, redemption...let yourself feel it all, trust the process, and know that each day more will be revealed. Sorry you are hurting right now. Hope brighter days come soon.
(((((hugs)))))
peace,
b
I had to make myself ready, not wait around!! And it took time, and for me, therapy.
One of the things I focused on in therapy after my divorce was why did I have the capacity to pick such good girlfriends but would choose the worst men as partners? And I NEEDED a therapist to help me get to the roots of that stuff, and keep me on track.
It helped me to change my radar alot, and though I live it one day a time, I am now in a really solid relationship with a guy who is my FRIEND! Who has all the qualities of a great friend first and foremost. It didn't mean I had to abandon passion or mad sexual attraction, it just helped me not let that initial attraction blind me to who this person really is...I had to get my priorities in the right order!
Don't beat yourself up...life is full of mysteries, pain, joy, redemption...let yourself feel it all, trust the process, and know that each day more will be revealed. Sorry you are hurting right now. Hope brighter days come soon.
(((((hugs)))))
peace,
b
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Thanks everyone.
I know 27 is still young. I guess I have unrealistic expectations for what my life should have been right now. I am feeling much better thanks to all of you. The urge to contact him passed a few hours ago. I feel like I'm back on track. Thank god for this place!
I know 27 is still young. I guess I have unrealistic expectations for what my life should have been right now. I am feeling much better thanks to all of you. The urge to contact him passed a few hours ago. I feel like I'm back on track. Thank god for this place!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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Hey Lucid.
I've noticed that most people at around age 27 to 30 start to want to settle down and build toward a better future with a partner. Whereas in your younger 20s, you don't really care or think about that stuff cause you're too busy having fun. I think it's normal at your age to be thinking about what you want in life, and it's normal at that age to think perhaps you would like to settle down and get married or whatever, at least be in a committed relationship. At least you tried with this guy. Some people don't even have the ability to walk out of their own house, much less try to get into a nice relationship.
Sometimes it helps me to think that I just made a bad relationship choice. I know it's really hard to have that mindset right now but as I'm going through the same "no-contact" thing as you are, I also know that it naturally takes a person a couple months to get over a heartbreak like this, regardless of whether or not anyone was an alcoholic or addict.
I think sometimes we are way too hard on ourselves. I'm certain you did the best you could do for your relationship. Of course there's no one to blame but it's generally accepted that people who are alcoholics and drug addicts aren't able to maintain the kind of relationship those of us who aren't alcoholic or addicted would like to have.
It's heartbreaking to fall in love with someone who is not ready to be more committed to us than to their addictions.
I've noticed that most people at around age 27 to 30 start to want to settle down and build toward a better future with a partner. Whereas in your younger 20s, you don't really care or think about that stuff cause you're too busy having fun. I think it's normal at your age to be thinking about what you want in life, and it's normal at that age to think perhaps you would like to settle down and get married or whatever, at least be in a committed relationship. At least you tried with this guy. Some people don't even have the ability to walk out of their own house, much less try to get into a nice relationship.
Sometimes it helps me to think that I just made a bad relationship choice. I know it's really hard to have that mindset right now but as I'm going through the same "no-contact" thing as you are, I also know that it naturally takes a person a couple months to get over a heartbreak like this, regardless of whether or not anyone was an alcoholic or addict.
I think sometimes we are way too hard on ourselves. I'm certain you did the best you could do for your relationship. Of course there's no one to blame but it's generally accepted that people who are alcoholics and drug addicts aren't able to maintain the kind of relationship those of us who aren't alcoholic or addicted would like to have.
It's heartbreaking to fall in love with someone who is not ready to be more committed to us than to their addictions.
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It may hurt, but I personally think that was helpful for you. I remember a day or two after I put my wife into rehab I was in the bathroom and the towel rack fell. I cried for at least ten minutes as if the towel bar fell on my foot or something. My brain decided that was my breaking point, even though its a 5 second fix. That cry helped me finally begin the process of coming to grips with the reality of the situation. I am very thankful for that cry now, but of course I wasn't right after it.
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I'm sorry you're feeling so crummy. Someone told me that when your'e going through these ordeals, it's like being 'pulled through the knothole'. This implies to me that it is so tough and it hurts but there's something totally different waiting on the other side. I am sure that's true for all of us. Keep strong!
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