CNMC2C

I've been thinking a lot lately about the term "unique" in regards to codependency and addiction. I didn't quite understand what that whole dynamic really entailed until I started really looking at the part that I played in my past relationship with the A XBF. I didn't quite get at the beginning of my "focusing on myself", what part I had played in the "unique" arena, but I get it now. He was continously telling anyone who would listen how unique he and his problems were, his whole "nobody knows the trouble I've seen" song and dance. I was standing right beside him fixing/cleaning up "the trouble he had seen" and all the while thinking to myself, this poor guy just hasn't had anyone who really believed in him to get him past these troublesome times, good thing I am here to help him. Bingo....there it was...an example of how I thought I was "unique". What I didn't understand then, but completely get now is that I just as whacked out as the A XBF. The Codie/Addict musical chairs that he and I played was beyond insane. Had to share that, since it has taken me a while to "get it"!

It has been over 10 months since I officially went no contact with the A XBF. I am blessed to have a Fur Baby, who knows exactly when it is 7am and immediately lets me know by meowing as loud as he can...every morning. As I was waking up to my daily morning serenade by my Fur Baby, I thought to myself, wow what a beautiful day it's going to be and how peaceful and quite it is. I've been sitting here thinking of how grateful I am to my higher power for getting me out a situation that I just couldn't seem to get myself out of this time last year when I was trying to get the nerve up to leave the A XBF. As much as it hurt, it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. It's no lie, that when you have had enough, you will know. I look back on this time last year and I was so devastated that the man that I loved could be such an uncaring, selfish, evil, manipulative jerk ,that would do anything to get his next drink....no matter what it cost him. Well, I know understand more about the disease of addiction (his version and my version) than I ever thought I would. I now realize what addiciton can cost someone. I look at the A XBF and see all the damage that he has allowed alcohol inflict upon his life and don't really feel sad for him anymore. He has had so many chances to get clean and sober, but always seems to grab onto the vodka bottle for dear life. I look at myself and know that I have come a long way from where I was this time last year. I am more aware of people and myself. I am really trying to focus on keeping my side of the street clean and not engaging in "oh i can fix that" mentality. It's been a long, bumpy, wild ride.....but it was this insane ride that has made me a better person today, as I sit here having coffee, looking at a beautiful, sunny view from my window, with my Fur Baby sitting on my feet

Thanks for letting me share. Hugs to you all!

GiveLove

It IS a beautiful morning, isn't it? I'm doing the same, with dogs instead of cats, about 30 miles west of you

That's a great observation, and really makes me think.

My formula went like this:

1) I've never had someone love me for who and what I am, truly love me unconditionally. I must not really be lovable.

2) Here comes this damaged man, and lo and behold, he loves me! It's destiny! WHoo-hooo! I'm lovable after all!!!

3) He is unique. Nobody understands him. Nobody has ever loved him. Boo hoo.

4) I am unique, I will show him that I'll do what all those other people wouldn't do for him. I will fix him. I will earn this love! It will be like a movie!

5) Oops. Now he's drinking. Now he's lying. Now he's with other women. He must not love me as much as I thought. I will love him MORE. I will do MORE. I will show him how unique I am, how much he should need me.

6) He still doesn't love me no matter what I do. I must not be lovable after all. I'd better stay with him, because nobody else is ever going to care about me. This is the best I can expect.


That pattern took six years and just about killed me. When they talk about "terminally unique," lemme tell ya, it WAS almost terminal for me

Nowadays, I leave the uniqueness to my pug, and instead I work hard on being fair, kind, supportive, smart, and funny -- to ME. And if there's any left over, others can get it too.

Happy morning - hope it doesn't get too hot down there today.

CNMC2C

Holy Moly, GiveLove.....I think we were seperated at birth! Are you my long lost southern sister twin... That formula is scarily the formula that I had/have operated off ....word for word. Scary! Yeah it is going to get hot over here today. I might mysteriously find my way out to the pool for a couple of hours this morning Have a Great Day!

Learn2Live

CNMC2C, thanks very much for sharing. I remember when I got to that point too!!! I know what you mean about "terminal uniqueness" and all that. I also call it "false pride." Also, one of my X'es used to always respond to anything bad that happened in his life that he had a "black cloud following him around." And he was five (5) years clean and sober!!!!

I guess I should warn you to keep your guard up regarding yourself because I fell into my own trap again a few years ago where (because the person was a good friend from childhood, who appeared very close to death) I REALLY wanted to help him and thought I was strong enough. Eventually, that disease and the sickness wore me down and I wound up on the same emotional rollercoaster!

I know it's not his fault, it's entirely MINE because I thought I could help. I am glad to know that he got 4 months clean and sober but I know I hurt him in the process (because of all my ridiculous reactions ) so it helps me a little to think I helped him because maybe when he is ready to stop, he at least will know where to turn to (rehab).

Anyway, I'm glad you reached that place.

Still Waters

My situation was slightly different, I think I'm "terminally naive". I didn't want to fix him 'cause I thought he was fixed (based on what he told me). Would "terminally stupid" work?

Gypsy Feet

I just thought since we were "perfect" for each other in every other way, that out weighed the bs. The problem is that alcoholism is progressive, and the bs gets heavier and heavier. I figured I would never find a man as compatible with me again, and now I don't care, because I am happy just being with me.

lovtolaff

Doesn't it feel GOOD to be looking BACK on it and not LIVING it???

lovtolaff

I too lived by these 2 things - and it makes me want to kick my own a$$ these days!! lol

When I stop and think about the path of destruction that he has probably left from Florida to Ohio back to Florida back up to Virginia (me) - I can only shake my head in disbelief. Wonder how many women thought THEY understood him??

Yuck.

CNMC2C

It was amazing the truths that appeared once the smoke cleared, and I was willing to actually listen to what had really been going on with the A XBF for the last 3 years (that includes the 2 years prior to him meeting me). He has left a trail of destruction that is insane. I didn't even know that he had been married twice before he met me until after we split in September (knew about ex-wife #2, but not #1). He is now on wife #3 as of this past January. I should win the award for burying my head in the sand with my eyelids taped shut, mouth wired shut, and ears plugged, so that I could never ask anyone about his past and see or hear the truths that I wasn't willing to face about him. The codie police should have put my behind in codie jail a long time ago

Learn2Live

We shouldn't be so hard on ourselves because, think about it, they are SO observant from the start (like hawks): they hear every word, notice every emotion. They become masters at giving us exactly what we want at exactly the right time, telling us what we want to hear, doing exactly what we need. That hooks us and makes us think that they ARE perfect for us! We are so happy and hopeful and dream our dreams, but then...things start changing.

But don't fool yourself, they DO have feelings. One guy I know in Recovery explained it to me this way when I asked him why my XA+ABF would even BOTHER trying to be in a relationship with me if he was just going to behave this way; he said: "I'm sure he DID want to have a loving, committed relationship with you, but he JUST CAN'T DO IT." I understand that now. Just two months ago I didn't.

So don't berate and beat yourself up too much. You're only human. I really don't think they do it on purpose. I'm sure he loved you, just as I'm sure mine loved me. But they're just so sick that they can't function the way we do. We can't expect them to, really, any more than we can expect a person suffering from cancer to heal themselves. And trust me, "our" Alcoholics and Addicts ARE suffering. I have a lot of compassion because my Dad is so alcoholic and near death, and I loved my last A+ABF since I was a child. I think I am just at this place in my life where I have truly accepted and I just feel so sorry for them all. I hope one day my Higher Power (God) will wipe all this sickness, and all of our tears, away forever.

Elpis

Wow CNMC2C! Thank you so much for the reminder that I should be thankful not to be in my relationship any longer. Even when it seems like life is going bad I need to remember HP is taking care of my best needs. Lately I have been concentrating on the loss of the person I loved and what is making him choose alcohol and someone else over me. I need to replace those thoughts with memories of staying up all night waiting and calling him because I was scared he wouldn't make it home, the trips to pick him up from emergency rooms, the smell in our bedroom the next day as he slept off the alcohol, the tears I cried while in the relationship...I could go on and on. As I lay her with my dog (the best thing I got out of our relationship!) I am glad it will be my alarm that wakes me up not a drunk stumbling in at 5am or later. I need to continue to change the thinking I had of how I was the only one really "helping" him to I can only actually help MYSELF! I look forward to a new day tomorrow!

bookwyrm

Thank you for this reminder. Sometimes it is easy to just demonise those that hurt you. It helped me cope in the immediate crisis I was in. There is a time and place for our anger - without mine I would probably never have gotten through to where I am now - but there comes a point when you have to realise the depth of the tragedy that is alcoholism.

My STBXAH is suffering. I think that he did love me in his own way but, because of his alcoholism and own codie issues, just isn't capable of having a normal loving relationship. This doesn't mean I should martyr myself and sacrifice my own life and happiness to him - I finally realised had to get out. But it does mean that I can now try and let go a lot of the anger I held towards him and become more compassionate for him. Tricky line for a codie like me to not cross into 'helping' though! I can see he is in so much pain and know that I cannot do anything to help. All I can do is try and stay out of the firing line and protect myself. He just has no control when talking to me - he can't help himself say the things he says! Knowing this takes some of the sting out of his words. I hope that one day he will get the help he needs. I know though that I won't be around to see it.

Learn2Live

Hey bookwrm. I am so sorry you are going through this too. Your post reminds of my Dad and all the emotions I have gone thru in my life watching him slowly but surely kill himself. It is very difficult to stand by and watch someone you love so much do this to themselves. It is the primary reason I do not want to be "romantically" involved with an alcoholic or otherwise addicted person. If only now I can build the necessary healthy personal boundaries that will keep unhealthy people out of my life to begin with.