ilikehimalot

Hi...I met my boyfriend almost a year ago in october, we started dating and he was acting like he was using(I had a brother who was a heroin addict years ago and know about addiction meeting etc from other family and friends.I contacted his family without even knowing them after 3 months of his on and off cocaine and drinking,he had not been in contact with them over 7 months and they were thrilled to know that he was alive.I found out that he had been in rehab twice before from them,I went with him to meet his parents and talk about him going back.3 days later he went to a rehab and is still there (just received his 6 month coin this past sat)He lost everything but his car while in there(he was already going through a divorce)as his wife was cheating on him the last time he was in rehab.well things were going as well as they could being in a relationship with someone who is getting help,I would go up every weekend and he was able to come home a few times for overnight stays,we talked every day on the phone numerous times and he always told me how much he missed me and how he likes me a lot(we never use the love word)as I had lost my fiance 4 years ago to sudden cardiac arrest and just though if we stay in the like you alot stage we would be safe.He was suppossed to be coming home this week after a 6 month stay there (he asked me if he could move in with me and I figured we were almost living together before he went away for 3 months so of couse I was happy )well he started acting distant to me and for a few days didnt call me and when I called him he would say he would call back or no answer ,this went on for 3 days and then I decided to look at the phone bill to see who he was talking with because he wasent speaking to his family as well(we have become very close)well I found a number that he was calling and texting non stop for 2 weeks and confronted him on it and he said it was his roommates friend boring his phone,told me he would never cheat and he was so scared about leaving his controlled atmosphere and thats why he was distant and told me how crazy he was about me and how everything was gonna be just find and then didnt call again for 2 days.I called the number and spoke to the women who ended up telling me that she met him at the rehab that he is at and that she left last week(when all the phone calls began)she said that she didnt know he had a girlfriend etc (all lies)even after she told me she saw me visiting,holding hands and kissing and that he told her we were just friends and I was a great support)she also told me that he was going to a sober house and they had plans to go to meetings together when he leaves the rehab this week.well I tried calling him and he wouldnt anser and the phone was beeping cause he was on the phone with her.I shut his phone off immediately and never heard from him for a week untill his mom and I called his sponser who had no idea he wasent talking to anyone and had shut everyone out except this girl that he was calling non step and texting non stop(he would send her the same exact text as me and pictures of flowers he took every morning)so he ends up calling me and telling me he is calling from his sponsers phone and his sponser is standing with him and proceeds to tell me hes sorry he lied and hasent called,starts off by lying and saying I was preasuring him to move in (not true at all)but figured he was saying that so his sponser would think that and I even said if your calling to be honsest why are you saying that you know thats not true and he says yea and tells me he felt like I was drifting apart in his heart and he needed to be alone hes fighting for his life and cant come back to this area and needs to go to a sober house.I said well I have been by your side for all this time and why now after your 6 month stay is done would you not want me in your life im confused he says i dont know and then tells me hes not with that girl and he dosent know why he did that,tells me sobriety is his number one and he has to worry about him(thats what we have been doing all this time)I told him i dont understand last week when we all went out to dinner and spent the day with his parents he was like a glow worm and his parents even said it wouldnt let go of my hand and when we left after a minute text me telling me he misses me already,I said so did you use me for 6 months and he said no my feelings are real,I am crazy about you but I need to do this alone.That was a week ago sunday and I never heard from him again.He did call his parents and ask them to come see him get his 6 month coin and never even mentioned me..We are all sick over this can someone tell me what to do?

ilikehimalot

He is going to a sober house on friday his parents have to drop off his car its all set up through the rehab he is currently in.Thank you for responding ...I am so confused

ilikehimalot

No I have not being doing much of anything except focusing on him.I guess I was used for 6 months and that really hurts.I cant believe that you would just go from everything to nothing (our relationship) I know I didnt do anything wrong but how can he just act like im nothing? I wouldnt treat any human being like that,especially after 6 months of ??? I feel like he is no better then day one other then he hasent used.The lies ,cheating,etc.Dont you think he owes me a REAL explanation for his actions? Do you think I will ever hear from him again?Was I just a support for him ?If so why no longer am I needed?Im going to my first al-anon meeting tommorrow (today) 7.30 pm in years and I cant wait.I feel lost and scared and such aniexty over this.I dont do drugs and I used to have an occasional drink maybe 5-6 glasses of wine a year,not into it and once I met him I said no alchol even allowed in my home,hoping to help him/

Taking5

Please use paragraphs, it is a lot easier to read and understand.

It is really hard to say if he is serious or not, about either you or his recovery. A sober house is a great stepping stone if he is serious. But I agree with cynical, are you taking care of yourself? You cannot let your life revolve around him.

ilikehimalot

Im sorry Im new to all this posting just joined tonight to see if someone could help
I havent really been doing all that well you know im very upset and confused but I guess thats normal
I just feel that as a human being alone he should repect me to be honest about whats really happening
His sponser told his mom he needs to do this alone????????
His parents are bringing him his car this week as he is leaving for a sober house on friday,How long does a sober house let you go to get a job etc?
He can live at a sober house the rest of his life?
He is 40 years young and I like him a real lot

TrainWreckAgain

First of all, welcome to SR. There are many wonderful people here. I have learned so much from the collective wisdom and experience represented here.

One of the hardest lessons for all of use to learn... I know it was for me... is that the alcoholic / addict is going to do whatever it is they are going to do... and there is NOTHING we can do about it.

The other sad truth is that alcoholics and addicts lie. They lie constantly... to themselves and everyone around them. One of the key aspects of recovery is for the addict to learn to live in the truth. It appears, from what you have written, that he is being dishonest with you, his family and his sponsor. That makes me doubt that he has made real progress in his recovery. I may be wrong... and lack of progress to date does not mean no progress in the future.

In some ways, his sponsor is correct. He does have to do this alone. Alone in the sense that he has to CHANGE the way he deals with the world and HIS relationship with drugs and alcohol. You can't make him change. You can't do the work for him. You can't wave a magic wand and all of a suddent he is going to get it.

I really struggled with this as it related to my AGF. Part of me spins out wondering what is going on. Does she still love me? Is she having an affair with someone she met in rehab? Why doesn't she get it? and on and on...

In the end, none of that fretting, wondering and worrying does anything for me. It just makes me crazy.

There are 4 possible outcomes:

1. She fails in her attempts to get and stay sober... in which case, I have reached the conclusion that our relationship is over (by MY choice, independent of what she may say or want).

2. She is successful on her recovery journey and SHE decides she (for whatever reason) that she no longer wants to be with me. In which case, our relationship if over.

3. She is successful on her recovery journey and SHE decides she wants to still be in a relationship with me. And then it will be MY choice if we stay together.

4. I decided that I have had enough, and just end the relationship.

None of this means I love her or don't love her.

Outcomes 1, 3 and 4 require ME to be very clear on what I want and need in a relationship... and what I am willing to live with and what I won't.

My best advice would be to focus on yourself. Al Anon has been very helpful for me in that regard.

There is the saying in Al Anon, I didn't create it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. I say this to myself probably 15 times a day.

Again, welcome.

ilikehimalot

He has been going through this for the last 3 years,was previously living at the rehab he is in now twice both times for 30 days...

This current time he has been there for 6 months and has become an extended guest(working as a moniter for free room and board)

His mother only spoke to the sponser after I called him because I wanted him to be aware of what wasent happening no contact from him and the sponser had no idee

He also told the mother he was not supposed to be talking to her

Thank you for all your posts.I guess I will never know,I just hope and pray that he stays sober.

ilikehimalot

I didn’t realize he was almost a middle-aged man…so he’s probably been at this for a while? I also find it very odd that his sponsor is talking to his mommy. But, he is right, he does need to do this alone…well…with the support of other recovering addicts and professionals in the field of addiction and recovery


How come he need to do this alone now???Thats what I dont understand??? why was it okay for me to be with him for the 6 month stay in rehab??

ilikehimalot

Train wreck
Did you wife ever tell you she needed to do this on her own and not have any contact with you after that point?Its been over a week and went from everyday for 6 months to nothing?

TrainWreckAgain

Yes. She did 30 days ago. Being honest, it was hard, but an enormous relief. I was getting 10-20 calls / texts a day... ranging from the "I love you and I want to marry you" to the "I hate you, how could you possibly do this to me." And, my personal favorite, "you are way sicker than I am and my therapist says I should end it with you." Many days... I would get all of those... in a random order.

I am sad you are going through this.

Freedom1990

I like what Dr. Phil says about the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. 3 years of this nonsense, and he's back at it again. What does his track record tell you?

I'm sorry for your pain, but you deserve someone who is honest, open, and respectful. He doesn't qualify on any of those accounts.

:ghug2

ilikehimalot

Thank you all for caring and sharing with me...I am waiting as my heart is beating extra fast from aniety for my 7.30 alanon meeting..I havent been to one in over 10 years ..
His mom is comming with me,
Does anyone know how to change the time on this website or shall I say correct it?Its always hours behind and I would like to attend some on line meetings and chats
I went out today for the first time in a week and had a break down in the pet store,I hate to see anyone,all I do is cry and think about everything.
I am praying to god to please help me make it through this...I feel hopeless

kj3880

Welcome! I'm sorry that you are having a heart breaking experience. Most of us have been through a painful breakup. May I ask you some questions that have nothing to do with the guy so we can know you a bit?

About how old are you?
What do you like to do in your spare time? Any hobbies? Do you like to read? Watch movies?
Do you have any girlfriends that are close to you?
Do you belong to any clubs or organizations?
Are you close to your own family?
Do you have a career you like?
What is a goal you have for your future?

Thanks,
KJ
PS: the time on the website is different then your time as it originates in another time zone then yours.

ilikehimalot

I am 42
I like to spend time going to dog friendly places with my jack russell
I dont like tv or movies anything to do with outside although lately nothing
I really have lost all contact with friends after I lost my fiance 4 years ago to sudden cardiac arrest at 36 years young nothing to do with addiction
No clubs or organazations
Im not to close to my family although we have been trying?
I love my job i just sold my business and work for the new owners
my goal used to be to a happy ending...
I have my own place nice cars and no bills I would trade everything I have to just be able to smile again

kj3880

OK, well this gives us something to work with. You are close to my age. I also love spending time with my dog, I have a labrador retriever.

It's interesting to see you had your own business, that's always been a dream of mine. And you sound like you have created a wonderful life for yourself.

It sounds like you are a bit disconnected socially at this time, though, and that can make it hard to go through a loss like this one. The grieving process is difficult to face alone. Would you be open to going to alanon/naranon or something like that to reconnect or make some new friends? It could be the start of something really good for you.

I'm a very shy (in person, not on line) woman, and I don't make friends easily. So meetings have been key for me in my recovery. I love all the new friends and the activities we do together. It is like that for many people in 12-step programs.
:ghug3
Just something to consider.

Love,
KJ

Freedom1990

I'm not much of a 'socializer' myself outside of my friends in 12 step programs. I have several dogs/cats, and they are my second set of kids. I've learned a lot from them like enjoying the simpler things in life, living in the moment, and don't sweat the small stuff. They are unconditional love on four legs.

I think if you start back to Alanon on a regular basis, you will find yourself starting to heal. Even though I'm long divorced from my EXAH (who is now deceased) and I have distanced myself from my 31 year old AD, I will always need Alanon.

:ghug2

rayofsunshine

Welcome to SR Ilikehimalot.... this post was a real eye opener for me when I first found SR... . (its a sticky post at the top of the forum... theres lots of good info there... be sure to read the stickies when you have time... the more you know about addiction, the better decisions you'll be able to make). Keep reading and posting... there's lots of knowledge, support and encouragement here.

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________


Have A Great 24
-jon

jerect

Hi and welcome to SR,

While reading your post I saw a huge red flag.

Do you see a pattern here? He cheated on his wife in rehab so of course he would do the same to you.

He has no respect for himself, there is no way in heck that he will have respect for you or any one else. He can't be honest with you about what is happening because he is not being honest with himself. You can't give away something that you do not have.. Does that make since?

I did the same thing for the first year after I found out my AH was using.. I wasted an entire year of my life that I can never get back focusing on my AH. STOP! right now, TODAY, stop focusing on him and put the focus back on you and only you.

Take it from me, be grateful the guy did not move in with you. If I were you I would cut my losses and run for the hills. You owe this man nothing. Your relationship is already tainted with the lies, the drugs, and the cheating.. I assure you he will repeat these same behaviors over and over and over again. You deserve so much better then that.

You will never get one because he has no idea the wreckage he has caused you or his family.

Sounds like his parents are great enablers. Most people living in a sober living house do not have access to cars.

The sober living house that I'm familiar with gives you two weeks to find a job.. If you haven not found a job, do not comply with their rules, or are caught using drugs.. you are out in the streets or at the nearest homeless shelter.

I know what you are going through is tough and it's so hard not to take it personally.. start taking care of you and start your healing process. If it were me, I would not answer his calls, I would not text him, give him money (cause he is going to ask) or give him a place to live.. the best thing that you can do for him is to let him face the consequences of what he has done. As long as he has enablers, he is going to keep on doing the same things that he is doing now.. in and out of rehabs, strings of women in rehabs, wash rinse and repeat.. break the cycle now and work on having a healthy relationship with yourself.

outtolunch

Sounds like you have cared for an addict or alcoholic before, given your experience with Alanon.

Does it make the most sense to attend meetings with his mom? Sometimes we do this sort of thing to maintain a connection with someone who has moved on and left us behind.

outtolunch

Why do his parents have to drop off his car?
Who pays the insurance on this car?
Who maintains the car and puts fuel in its tank?

Sounds like someone has been enabling this man child for a long time.

It was good to hear that you cancelled his cell phone.