where I am at......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 59
where I am at......
I have some days that are wonderful. I feel great, I feel human, I feel alive. But it only lasts about a day and than I am back to the dark abyss I call my life.
I am tired, I am tired of so many things. I am tired of life. I am tired of asking for help and not getting it. I am tired of being told that I can’t do this alone and than being left to do it all alone.
I want so much to be happy, to not need to turn to anything other than my family and friends to make me feel better when I am sad, mad or whatever.
I want to be a better mother, a better wife, friend, person. But I don’t know how to do that. All I feel like I know is how to do is to hate myself. I hate myself for so many things. I seem to never be able to find something good about myself, I can always find the bad stuff though.
How many times do I have to try and reach out for help and find no one there…..
I know it gets hard before it gets better but I don’t know if I can do it. I just want someone to hold my hand. I want someone who is going to stand beside me and hold me up when I can’t hold myself up. I want someone to help me to learn how to do that on my own. I want too much…..
I feel more unworthy now than I did at my worst, I feel more like hurting myself than I ever have…..
I can’t do this alone…..and I don’t know how much longer I can try……
I am tired, I am tired of so many things. I am tired of life. I am tired of asking for help and not getting it. I am tired of being told that I can’t do this alone and than being left to do it all alone.
I want so much to be happy, to not need to turn to anything other than my family and friends to make me feel better when I am sad, mad or whatever.
I want to be a better mother, a better wife, friend, person. But I don’t know how to do that. All I feel like I know is how to do is to hate myself. I hate myself for so many things. I seem to never be able to find something good about myself, I can always find the bad stuff though.
How many times do I have to try and reach out for help and find no one there…..
I know it gets hard before it gets better but I don’t know if I can do it. I just want someone to hold my hand. I want someone who is going to stand beside me and hold me up when I can’t hold myself up. I want someone to help me to learn how to do that on my own. I want too much…..
I feel more unworthy now than I did at my worst, I feel more like hurting myself than I ever have…..
I can’t do this alone…..and I don’t know how much longer I can try……
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,448
Cevin,
You are not alone on this journey. I have been where you are, hating myself, not caring about myself or my future, just exisiting. Know that you can do this. Believe in yourself. Make one small change in your life, just one. It will have a ripple effect and you will feel better. Try writing in a Gratitude Journal and find at least one thing that you can be positive about every day.
Cevin, you can't find all the answers at once. Just take small steps. Do one thing to make you feel better about yourself each day. Be proud of yourself for any positive changes that you make. You can do this!
You are not alone on this journey. I have been where you are, hating myself, not caring about myself or my future, just exisiting. Know that you can do this. Believe in yourself. Make one small change in your life, just one. It will have a ripple effect and you will feel better. Try writing in a Gratitude Journal and find at least one thing that you can be positive about every day.
Cevin, you can't find all the answers at once. Just take small steps. Do one thing to make you feel better about yourself each day. Be proud of yourself for any positive changes that you make. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Tahoe CA
Posts: 1,098
cevin - I understand your post.
For today, I allowed myself a picnic just me and a friend. I always talk myself out of doing something that would end the isolation I put myself in.
Today I did not. I tried every way that I could think of to talk myself out of going. In the end I did not.
I want everything you note in your post. If I don't put myself out there, if I don't go beyond my comfort zone, I will just not get there.
I did that today. I think it was the first day in a long time, I just did something different and fun for me. Although, getting there, ya would have thought I was dying.
It has taken a long time, lot's of relapses and lot's of doing things my own way to finally stop and listen to people that have way more recovery then I do. Now I'm trying to do as suggested. It really isn't easy at all. But the rewards are great.
Hope you keep on reading and posting on this board. If you choose to follow suggestions despite what your best thinking tells you, as I have done...the relief is great.
For today, I allowed myself a picnic just me and a friend. I always talk myself out of doing something that would end the isolation I put myself in.
Today I did not. I tried every way that I could think of to talk myself out of going. In the end I did not.
I want everything you note in your post. If I don't put myself out there, if I don't go beyond my comfort zone, I will just not get there.
I did that today. I think it was the first day in a long time, I just did something different and fun for me. Although, getting there, ya would have thought I was dying.
It has taken a long time, lot's of relapses and lot's of doing things my own way to finally stop and listen to people that have way more recovery then I do. Now I'm trying to do as suggested. It really isn't easy at all. But the rewards are great.
Hope you keep on reading and posting on this board. If you choose to follow suggestions despite what your best thinking tells you, as I have done...the relief is great.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Take some time to care about yourself, this is a good video for your current situation
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7dtL...eature=related
Downloadable Dhamma Talks, Essays, and Books by Thanissaro Bhikkhu of Metta Forest Monastery (Wat Metta)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7dtL...eature=related
Downloadable Dhamma Talks, Essays, and Books by Thanissaro Bhikkhu of Metta Forest Monastery (Wat Metta)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by cevin 
I feel more like hurting myself than I ever have…..
I can’t do this alone…..and I don’t know how much longer I can try……
Please clarify what you mean, I am worried about you
Mark
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
Cevin I am glad you posted, but sorry you are having such negative thoughts. I have had the same problem with negative thinking and being really negative against myself. I have to really, really make a concerted effort to turn my thoughts around. You can do it. You are a wife, a mother, a friend, and a woman that deserves to know that you are everything you can be in this moment. You will become what you want to be in the future. No one is perfect.
Have you ever talked with a doctor about depression. You sound so much like me when I was found to have depression. I was tired, I was overly self critical, and I lost interest in the world. I definitely had depression according to my doctor and I was put on medication. It helped me so much and I really started to look at the world with a different pair of eyes. It may not be your case, but it might be worth exploring.
Have you ever talked with a doctor about depression. You sound so much like me when I was found to have depression. I was tired, I was overly self critical, and I lost interest in the world. I definitely had depression according to my doctor and I was put on medication. It helped me so much and I really started to look at the world with a different pair of eyes. It may not be your case, but it might be worth exploring.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Cubile75
Cevin... I don't like the sound of that... Are you going to hurt yourself? If you think you might, get help NOW... go to the ER, talk to somebody close...
Please clarify what you mean, I am worried about you
Mark
Please clarify what you mean, I am worried about you
Mark
Thanks everyone for your encouragement. It helps. I just wish that I had support like this in real life. I think that is what hurts the most.
I went to an AA meeting last night. My husband is out of town. I told him that I had a friend come to watch my son so I could go and he was like whatever. Tonight when I talked to him, he didn't ask how it went. Maybe he forgot....I take it as he doesn't care.
I have only told a few people about what is going on. One is a lady at work. Since last night I have just been really down, trying hard not to drink. Anyone could tell that something wasn't right with me this morning. But instead of going to my office or hers, she asks me how things are in front of other people. Like I am going say...."Well, I think that having a drink would be great! I think I am a worthless piece of shyte. And how you today?"
My other friend who said that he would sponser me, doesn't really ever ask me how I am. I have told him that I need alot of support and he hows that I don't have alot and I would think that as a friend, which we were first, that he would just sometimes call me and ask how I am. But I guess I am asking too much. I know that I am the one that needs help and I need to ask. But I have, so many times......Sometimes I just want someone to show that they care.....It feels like a one-sided friendship....and I don't think that is healthy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Horselover
Have you ever talked with a doctor about depression. You sound so much like me when I was found to have depression. I was tired, I was overly self critical, and I lost interest in the world. I definitely had depression according to my doctor and I was put on medication. It helped me so much and I really started to look at the world with a different pair of eyes. It may not be your case, but it might be worth exploring.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 331
I feel what you are saying. Remember all the crap, nonsense and actions you did drunk is not who you are now. This was the hardest thing for me to realize, i got emotional, sad, angry this is normal. You are going through some head busting sh@t right now. Come on in here, someone is always helping you get to the next step. Next move. Next place. You got to take the bag off your face to breathe right? I have dealt with disapointment over and over again. Remeber their are 1,000,000 people in China that don't give a sh@t. So let some of the small stuff go and talk with us about it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by cevin
I am tired of asking for help and not getting it. I am tired of being told that I can’t do this alone and than being left to do it all alone.
That sounds like it sucks. The first active move I made in overcoming alcoholism was making a single phone call and asking for help. I couldn't stay sober, and that was the sum total extent of my willingness. I called a guy in whom the problem had been solved. He walked me through AA's 12 steps, I had a spiritual awakening, and I recovered.
If that holds any interest for you, make that phone call today. Don't wait.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 45
Cevin, it sounds to me like there are lots of good things about you. You're trying to become a better person! That is definitely a good thing. You care about your family and friends, another good thing. You want to be a good mother, a very very good thing. Your marriage is important to you and you want to be a wife.
Cevin, you have a lot going for you!! What can I do to help you get to where you want to be?
Cevin, you have a lot going for you!! What can I do to help you get to where you want to be?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
i know how you feel............and this is what i did..
i walked back into AA when yet again life got so unbearable without a drink.
id been out again...and again.....and again.....and i wished for the end.
i spoke to a guy that told me he knew how i felt......he told me he was blessed with 21 years without a drink.
he told me about the program of recovery......outlined in the big book of alcoholics anonymous.
"what that book that someone briefly reads at the beginning ...taking up valuable time ..better used for me to dump my endless woes?"
but what did i have to lose....no alot
we went through the steps together........over some time.
things started to feel worthwhile......my negativity dwindled.
and i stopped grinding my teeth........my wife started to smile.
it felt like a steam valve had been opened......and sobriety birthdays would creep up and surprise me.
life took on new meaning.......my thinking changed.......and i began to realize how ill id been.....and how self absorbed id become.
id like to say it was a breeze........but at times it was dam uncomfortable.
i started to share at meetings that i had found a solution to my inability to cope without a drink......
before i knew it ...i had a sponsee and i passed what id learnt onto him.
and i had the pleasure of watching that sparkle come back in his eyes.....
now we go fishing together ...take our books and have a great time.
lifes good today without a drink....
i walked back into AA when yet again life got so unbearable without a drink.
id been out again...and again.....and again.....and i wished for the end.
i spoke to a guy that told me he knew how i felt......he told me he was blessed with 21 years without a drink.
he told me about the program of recovery......outlined in the big book of alcoholics anonymous.
"what that book that someone briefly reads at the beginning ...taking up valuable time ..better used for me to dump my endless woes?"
but what did i have to lose....no alot
we went through the steps together........over some time.
things started to feel worthwhile......my negativity dwindled.
and i stopped grinding my teeth........my wife started to smile.
it felt like a steam valve had been opened......and sobriety birthdays would creep up and surprise me.
life took on new meaning.......my thinking changed.......and i began to realize how ill id been.....and how self absorbed id become.
id like to say it was a breeze........but at times it was dam uncomfortable.
i started to share at meetings that i had found a solution to my inability to cope without a drink......
before i knew it ...i had a sponsee and i passed what id learnt onto him.
and i had the pleasure of watching that sparkle come back in his eyes.....
now we go fishing together ...take our books and have a great time.
lifes good today without a drink....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 59
I got a call today from Mental Health and it is going to take 4 - 6 months before I can get into see someone. That wasnt what I wanted to hear. Although the girl I talked to said to call her anytime if I need to.
So, today is a week without having a drink. I feel good about that. Since I have no one else to share that with, I am sharing it with you guys!!
I am going to see if i can find someone to watch my son one night this week so I can go to another meeting. Hopefully I can go on Thursday night.
So, today is a week without having a drink. I feel good about that. Since I have no one else to share that with, I am sharing it with you guys!!
I am going to see if i can find someone to watch my son one night this week so I can go to another meeting. Hopefully I can go on Thursday night.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Originally Posted by cevin
I got a call today from Mental Health and it is going to take 4 - 6 months before I can get into see someone. That wasnt what I wanted to hear. Although the girl I talked to said to call her anytime if I need to.
So, today is a week without having a drink. I feel good about that. Since I have no one else to share that with, I am sharing it with you guys!!
I am going to see if i can find someone to watch my son one night this week so I can go to another meeting. Hopefully I can go on Thursday night.
So, today is a week without having a drink. I feel good about that. Since I have no one else to share that with, I am sharing it with you guys!!
I am going to see if i can find someone to watch my son one night this week so I can go to another meeting. Hopefully I can go on Thursday night.
that first week can be a tough one. Stay close to SR & keep posting. You can do this!Take Care,
NB
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Rural OK
Posts: 329
Cevin, There are people on this post that can become closer and more helpful than someone living close to you! There are people that GENUINLY care what happens to you!
I tell you this by experience! I am on the road to recovery today because of the love and support I get here. I live out on a 1,100 acre ranch in the middle of nowhere with no real friends (except my wife) close to me. I don’t have anyone I can confide in near me ,that is why this site is A life saver to me!!--Keep posting give them a chance to help- you won’t be disappointed!!
I tell you this by experience! I am on the road to recovery today because of the love and support I get here. I live out on a 1,100 acre ranch in the middle of nowhere with no real friends (except my wife) close to me. I don’t have anyone I can confide in near me ,that is why this site is A life saver to me!!--Keep posting give them a chance to help- you won’t be disappointed!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Alberta, Canada
Posts: 542
Dear Cevin, ((((((((((HUGS!!!)))))))))))
Wow! I'm so sorry I wasn't on last night and therefore didn't see your post. You have done SO WELL to have a week Sober already especially considering how sad and alone you feel. WE ALL CARE Cevin!! I see your online right now and I'm so glad! MORE Big Hugs to you! I'm also in Canada and who knows - maybe were neighbors?!
I'm also in AA and for someone who "Swore" they'd NEVER go to AA I couldn't have made a better choice!! Not sure where you are in Canada, but if one meeting didn't do it for you TRY another please...I mean a different Meeting...with different people. That can make ALL the difference in the world. They are still people like you and me and nothing says "they're all a shining example of what AA is all about"!
Hope to read more from you soon!
Love Pancake xo
Wow! I'm so sorry I wasn't on last night and therefore didn't see your post. You have done SO WELL to have a week Sober already especially considering how sad and alone you feel. WE ALL CARE Cevin!! I see your online right now and I'm so glad! MORE Big Hugs to you! I'm also in Canada and who knows - maybe were neighbors?!
I'm also in AA and for someone who "Swore" they'd NEVER go to AA I couldn't have made a better choice!! Not sure where you are in Canada, but if one meeting didn't do it for you TRY another please...I mean a different Meeting...with different people. That can make ALL the difference in the world. They are still people like you and me and nothing says "they're all a shining example of what AA is all about"!
Hope to read more from you soon!
Love Pancake xo
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