My serenity
I'm growing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
My serenity
I am trying hard to keep it today.
My AH is making it difficult.
He suddenly wants to see the kids EVERYDAY. Our agreement (verbal) is Tuesaday and TH. Lately he has only been coming at night from 5-7 or so. He is angry that he doesn't get to see the kids more. I said he can see them, I just need notice. He is also welcome to come to see them earlier an stay later on TUES. and TH. he chooses those times (he gets his summers off of work). We took the kids bowling together yesterday. He was not sober. He left in a Hissy and didn't even say goodbye to the kids.
As I write this I see that I am setting more boundaries and he is trying to trample them. It doesn't seem so hard when I think of it like that. Especially when I know I need to limit my contact with him for my own peace of mind.
My boundary you can see the kids as long as I have notice and the timing works out. If you do not give notice you do not get to see them.
We also met with our pastor today. Where AH adimately claimed he is no longer drinking (rolleyes). It was a fustrating meeting b/c AH found a "new" person to tell how much he has been working on this. I always feel like I come off as this cold hearted person, but hey tha's none of my business right
I am just not willing to bend when it comes to my serenity and the safety of my kids, bottom line.
I quess I just needed to get that out. It is helpful for me to type it out. I am able to see it in another light and get back to working on me TFL
My AH is making it difficult.
He suddenly wants to see the kids EVERYDAY. Our agreement (verbal) is Tuesaday and TH. Lately he has only been coming at night from 5-7 or so. He is angry that he doesn't get to see the kids more. I said he can see them, I just need notice. He is also welcome to come to see them earlier an stay later on TUES. and TH. he chooses those times (he gets his summers off of work). We took the kids bowling together yesterday. He was not sober. He left in a Hissy and didn't even say goodbye to the kids.
As I write this I see that I am setting more boundaries and he is trying to trample them. It doesn't seem so hard when I think of it like that. Especially when I know I need to limit my contact with him for my own peace of mind.
My boundary you can see the kids as long as I have notice and the timing works out. If you do not give notice you do not get to see them.
We also met with our pastor today. Where AH adimately claimed he is no longer drinking (rolleyes). It was a fustrating meeting b/c AH found a "new" person to tell how much he has been working on this. I always feel like I come off as this cold hearted person, but hey tha's none of my business right
I am just not willing to bend when it comes to my serenity and the safety of my kids, bottom line.I quess I just needed to get that out. It is helpful for me to type it out. I am able to see it in another light and get back to working on me
TFL
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hey--
hang in there -
Is his visitation a legal arrangement or verbal between you 2 only? Have you explored your legal options?
Is he allowed to be around the kids when he is drunk? You said he wasn't sober at the bowling....are your kids up to speed with what's up w/ Dad? If I just could have had the proper name to blame when I was a kid (It's alcoholism!!!) instead of thinking it was my fault, or whichever of us rowdy kids acted up that day's fault, or my mom's fault etc...that things always got tense or warped or explosive.
You're doing great daisy30 - I am just not willing to bend when it comes to my serenity and the safety of my kids, bottom line. That statement really says it all!
peace,
b
hang in there -
Is his visitation a legal arrangement or verbal between you 2 only? Have you explored your legal options?
Is he allowed to be around the kids when he is drunk? You said he wasn't sober at the bowling....are your kids up to speed with what's up w/ Dad? If I just could have had the proper name to blame when I was a kid (It's alcoholism!!!) instead of thinking it was my fault, or whichever of us rowdy kids acted up that day's fault, or my mom's fault etc...that things always got tense or warped or explosive.
You're doing great daisy30 - I am just not willing to bend when it comes to my serenity and the safety of my kids, bottom line. That statement really says it all!
peace,
b
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 108
You seem so strong. It's very cool that you can just let the fact that he lies to your pastor about drinking just roll off your back. That would upset me! I could learn some things from you girly!
I'm growing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Originally Posted by Bernadette 
Hey--
hang in there -
Is his visitation a legal arrangement or verbal between you 2 only? Have you explored your legal options?
Is he allowed to be around the kids when he is drunk? You said he wasn't sober at the bowling....are your kids up to speed with what's up w/ Dad? If I just could have had the proper name to blame when I was a kid (It's alcoholism!!!) instead of thinking it was my fault, or whichever of us rowdy kids acted up that day's fault, or my mom's fault etc...that things always got tense or warped or explosive.
You're doing great daisy30 - I am just not willing to bend when it comes to my serenity and the safety of my kids, bottom line. That statement really says it all!
peace,
b
hang in there -
Is his visitation a legal arrangement or verbal between you 2 only? Have you explored your legal options?
Is he allowed to be around the kids when he is drunk? You said he wasn't sober at the bowling....are your kids up to speed with what's up w/ Dad? If I just could have had the proper name to blame when I was a kid (It's alcoholism!!!) instead of thinking it was my fault, or whichever of us rowdy kids acted up that day's fault, or my mom's fault etc...that things always got tense or warped or explosive.
You're doing great daisy30 - I am just not willing to bend when it comes to my serenity and the safety of my kids, bottom line. That statement really says it all!
peace,
b
B~ I have not set that boundary yet. I really have been considering it lately though b/c he is showing up to more and more visitations drunk. Or activey drinking during them. I think he mixed something into his Gatorade at bowling. The little ones just turned 2 and 4 so they do not get it yet. My older dd is 12 and yes, I have told her he acts that way b/c of his drinking and it is not her fault.
Older dd and AH were having a conversation that he got mad about when he left. I was really proud of her b/c she stood up for herself. After he left I told her it wasn't her fault and that it was his drinking/alcoholism. She said, "yah I already knew all that"
. I suppose it is time to let the little ones know that daddy is sick and that is why he acts that way.I have filed for a legal seperation so we can spell out the custody/visitation, child support part of it. Our first court date is in Oct.!!! My lawyer is going to try to get a date that is a little sooner.
You seem so strong. It's very cool that you can just let the fact that he lies to your pastor about drinking just roll off your back. That would upset me! I could learn some things from you girly!
I have become this way with A LOT of hard work and self discovery
It is all part of my recovery. Most of the credit is due to all I have learned on this forum and at my al-anon meeting.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Just be sure there is an alcohol clause in your parenting plan. Mine says something like "the father will not consume or be under the influence of alcohol during the time he is with the children".
It ticked him off a little because he "is never taking another drink again". I said to him, "then it shouldn't be a problem, right?" My attorney said even though it would be difficult to enforce because the way our courts are set up, it's better to have it there than not if there is a question he might be drinking.
You really are doing great!!
It ticked him off a little because he "is never taking another drink again". I said to him, "then it shouldn't be a problem, right?" My attorney said even though it would be difficult to enforce because the way our courts are set up, it's better to have it there than not if there is a question he might be drinking.
You really are doing great!!
I'm growing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Thanks blessed I didn't think of that. I will definately have to do it.
How do you follow through with that? If you suspect he is drinking do you cancel the visitation? Do you need some kind of proof of intoxication (like a breathalizer?)? My AH does most of his visitations at my house. They are all supervised by me.
How do you follow through with that? If you suspect he is drinking do you cancel the visitation? Do you need some kind of proof of intoxication (like a breathalizer?)? My AH does most of his visitations at my house. They are all supervised by me.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
I think it's just more of a CYA thing. It would allow you, if you had to, to call the police if you felt like your children were in danger, and have the paperwork to back it up.
A piece of paper probably isn't (okay...leave out the probably) going to keep him from drinking if that's what he is going to do. It just allows you to enforce it because without that clause he can say that alcohol is legal and there is no law that says he can't see his kids if he's had a drink or two.
You'll have to consult with your attorney, but mine insisted on putting it in and I think she's pretty darn smart.
A piece of paper probably isn't (okay...leave out the probably) going to keep him from drinking if that's what he is going to do. It just allows you to enforce it because without that clause he can say that alcohol is legal and there is no law that says he can't see his kids if he's had a drink or two.
You'll have to consult with your attorney, but mine insisted on putting it in and I think she's pretty darn smart.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
There is a statement in my divorce filing that mentions "habitual intoxication". There is also a statment in the final decree about not being permitted to consume alcohol while supervising the children, against both parties. I was fine with it, I'm sober. He was fine with it, he is now sober.
However, as a woman who never read her AXH's previous divorce papers (he was married before) I might have been better prepared for the roller coaster ride. His X had the alcohol restriction placed into their divorce papers. I never read his divorce papers until 4 years into the marriage. I was shocked. My rule now, and I share this with my girlfriends:
I won't become intimate in a relationship with a man that has an ex spouse until I have read his divorce agreement. I'm no longer in the fix-em business! I don't have the power to fix someone else's life! I have tested this principle out on a man that thought he would be a terrific date for me and that I needed him in my life. He made every excuse in the book why he wouldn't show me his papers (we were having a friendly chat, not negotiating intimacy
) He said things like: that was a long time ago, that's personal information, I won't be able to find those papers. quack, quack, quack!!
So having something in the divorce papers that flags potential alcoholism can be a safety net for yourself and the next person the A meets. I say that with all sincerity, as I am not flagged as a person with alcohol issues by my own attorney in my divorce papers. Accountablility.
However, as a woman who never read her AXH's previous divorce papers (he was married before) I might have been better prepared for the roller coaster ride. His X had the alcohol restriction placed into their divorce papers. I never read his divorce papers until 4 years into the marriage. I was shocked. My rule now, and I share this with my girlfriends:
I won't become intimate in a relationship with a man that has an ex spouse until I have read his divorce agreement. I'm no longer in the fix-em business! I don't have the power to fix someone else's life! I have tested this principle out on a man that thought he would be a terrific date for me and that I needed him in my life. He made every excuse in the book why he wouldn't show me his papers (we were having a friendly chat, not negotiating intimacy
) He said things like: that was a long time ago, that's personal information, I won't be able to find those papers. quack, quack, quack!!So having something in the divorce papers that flags potential alcoholism can be a safety net for yourself and the next person the A meets. I say that with all sincerity, as I am not flagged as a person with alcohol issues by my own attorney in my divorce papers. Accountablility.
I'm growing
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
I won't become intimate in a relationship with a man that has an ex spouse until I have read his divorce agreement. I'm no longer in the fix-em business! I don't have the power to fix someone else's life! I have tested this principle out on a man that thought he would be a terrific date for me and that I needed him in my life. He made every excuse in the book why he wouldn't show me his papers (we were having a friendly chat, not negotiating intimacy ) He said things like: that was a long time ago, that's personal information, I won't be able to find those papers. quack, quack, quack!!
He totally was like "We all have a past and I don't need to know yours visa versa". I feel really dumb that I still DO NOT know exactly why his first divorce happened (I can guess).
I have been telling people that if I file for divorse It will be under extreme and repeated mental cruelty...as a warning to the next
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
oops, I just noticed the last sentence of my post says
"I am not flagged as a person with alcohol issues..."
it should read:
"I am now flagged as a person with alcohol issues..."
Yeah, I learn things the hard way. If my experience can help another person, I'm glad to share the lesson learned!
Unfortunately, I also learned after finally reading his divorce papers, that his kids child support was to be 25% of his income when his salary increased. He didn't share that part and claimed he didn't know it was in his divorce. 25% before taxes and insurance premiums is totally unheard of, but enforce-able with a good attorney. That is exactly what his ex did, too.
I have a friend from high school that married an older guy. He had 4 previous marriages. I passed on that advise to her. I still don't know if she checked his previous legal responsibilities out, but she was convinced he loved her special and would always provide for her.
"I am not flagged as a person with alcohol issues..."
it should read:
"I am now flagged as a person with alcohol issues..."
Yeah, I learn things the hard way. If my experience can help another person, I'm glad to share the lesson learned!
Unfortunately, I also learned after finally reading his divorce papers, that his kids child support was to be 25% of his income when his salary increased. He didn't share that part and claimed he didn't know it was in his divorce. 25% before taxes and insurance premiums is totally unheard of, but enforce-able with a good attorney. That is exactly what his ex did, too.
I have a friend from high school that married an older guy. He had 4 previous marriages. I passed on that advise to her. I still don't know if she checked his previous legal responsibilities out, but she was convinced he loved her special and would always provide for her.
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