searchin

Hi everyone. I'm new to these forums. A woman in my support group (Al-Anon) recommended them to me. This might be a little long, so bear with me. I decided to divorce my alcoholic husband this year after about 10 years of being together (married for 6). During the time we were together we both had our problems, but his were always much worse. I always supported our family (we have a daughter) while he could barely ever hold a job for more than a couple of months. His drinking got so bad he was hospitalized four times, but he would never go to rehab. He did stop drinking on a few occasions, twice for 6-month stretches, but always relapsed. He was an occasional AA attender. I finally left after his mental abuse turned physical. Even when I left the last time though, I told him I would still want to be back with him someday if he was able to stop drinking and seek recovery. He didn't, at least not right away, and I moved on, or so I thought. A man I had known for a long time, but not spoken to for a long time, reconnected with me, and we have started a relationship that has been very good. This sent my husband into a tailspin, which landed him the hospital again, and now he has been sober for about two months, as well as got a new job. And now, of course, he wants me back. He tells me sometimes that he feels he can't live without me, that he may kill himself because his depression is so great. He says he has tried to connect with some women to just be friends with (internet dating sites) but that one of them did an internet search on him and found the TRO I took out against him after the physical abuse and cussed him out. He says no woman will ever want to be with him again because of this. I said, "Hey, why don't you just blame it on me? Say I was crazy and overreacting." I said this because I would like to feel like he can find someone again. I don't want him to be alone forever. And he was never abusive when he wasn't drinking. He is attending AA now as well, but I don't know if he's really "working the program" like he should. Also, and this is the part I REALLY feel guilty about.....I gave him herpes in our marriage. He knew going into the marriage that I had it, this wasn't an infidelity-scenario at all. I was never unfaithful to him in the relationship, and he wasn't to me. I thought, after 9 years of safely not transmitting the virus to him, that I could finally stop worrying about it, but shortly before our separation he finally contracted it. All of this, his mental state, and my worrying about him never again finding a woman who will love him, have me eaten up with guilt inside. I just want to be happy, and I felt like I was finally on my way, thanks to Al-Anon, counseling, and my new relationship. But then I think that maybe things would just be easier if I just succumbed to what he wants and went back to him, at least if he is able to stay sober and keep working for a year. I really don't want to, though. I just feel like it would make me feel less guilty, and the guilt is eating me up inside. He also says that if he is able to stay sober for a couple of years, and if I end up married to my new boyfriend, that he will want joint custody of our daughter after he has "proved himself financially responsible and sober". I don't know that I'll ever want to give that to him. That's another thing that makes me think maybe going back to the relationship, or at least keeping the possibility open, would just be easier. I'm really at my wit's end with the guilt. He tells me all of the time how horrible he thinks it is that I abandoned him because he was "two months late" in finding sobriety, and that he'll never be happy again unless our family is back together. As I stated above, I do go to Al-Anon, and I have a counselor. I'm trying really hard to keep my feelings of guilt and pity at bay and just do for myself and enjoy my life, but it doesn't seem to be completely working.

Is there any advice, or wisdom that anyone can impart about my situation?

cassandra2

Welcome to the boards. So sorry that you are going through this. I have found through my journey of life that when others are doing, saying, or acting in such a way that causes me to feel guilty....they are manipulating me.

Regardless of if alcohol was a factor or not it became too difficult for you to stay in the marriage. That was YOUR choice. We all deserve to live good healthy lives. You do and you decided what was best for you. Guilt creeps in when we feel like things will or could be different. It is what it is.

The only way to know that your husband is really working recovery and changing his life is to watch his actions. Sounds like he is still trying to manipulate you instead of owning up to his portion in your marriage.

You said yourself that you didnt want to consider allowing him to have joint custody. THAT SPEAKS VOLUMES right there. I think that is because we think that once the addict is sober that things will change or be better. I cant answer your question about going back only you can but it sounds like you are merely feeling guilty about leaving. If it isnt because of a real healthy love then I just dont see how going back will make you HAPPY. Give yourself some space and time. Let him work his program.

Keep attending your meetings keep reading and posting here....Good luck....

searchin

Just to clarify....he already has "joint" custody--meaning, he sees our daughter on weekends and sometimes during the week. But I have more time with her. He is telling me that if I get remarried he will want to have her at least 50% of the time, and that is what I don't want to happen.

I appreciate your words of encouragment and wisdom.

Pelican

Hey Searchin,

Welcome to the SR family. You are carrying around a lot of guilt that doesn't belong to you. You didn't force your AH to drink, you didn't force him to abuse you, you didn't cause his lack of financial support for the family. He is trying to manipulate you by placing blame and guilt where it doesn't belong. We call that quacking. It's just noise he is making.

You are taking care of yourself and your daughter. Good on you! It sounds like you are making some positive steps for your healthy future. You know we learn in Al anon and in AA to take things "One Day at a Time". So don't worry about the future (marriages and custody). Just keep working on yourself and making progress, and before you know it, you will have the strength and tools to deal with life as it happens!

There is some excellent wisdom in the sticky posts at the top of Friends and Family forum. Read and post as much as you need.

blessed4x

Welcome searchin!!! My divorce was final last Thursday, but I just found out today. I know completely about the guilt, the second guessing, the "what ifs". Mine also started going to AA a few months ago, however I would not venture so far as to say he's in recovery. That's his business, and between him and his HP, but he's pulled an awful lot of manipulative stuff recently as well. I think putting the kids in the middle is about the lowest form of manipulation a person can use....and mine is there too.


I had to learn that much of the time I was operating out of fear. Fear of the unknown and awfulizing every possible outcome. I became kinder, softer, and VERY focused on my path out of the insanity. I do care about my XAH. Golly, we were married for 22 years, and we had 4 kids together (went through the adoption of 2 of them). I care deeply about him. I care so much that I had to do the most loving thing I could for him and our children and set us both free. I've told him many times that together we are just too sick. We feed on each others illness. Now, seperately, we both have a chance at a sane life. I'm running full speed toward mine, and I pray he will too.

That's just my ESH, for what it's worth......we all have our own unique stories. Last week my counselor told me that God is a god of happy endings. I sure hope that yours ends happily ever after. Let go of your guilt, embrace that which is good and brings you peace.

Daisy30

Welcome glad you are here. Lot's of wisdom already spoken here.

Someone here once said, "When you have one foot in the past and the other in the future, you are pissing all over today".

I say enjoy right where you are. Are you enjoying things with this new relationship and your child? Keep the focus where it needs to be, on you and your child.

Keep posting!

Rella927

Alway's one of my favorite lines Daisy!

Welcome to SR Searchin Sorry that you are going through all of this-

I do believe IMHO feeling guilty is a natural feeling to feel in this situation but, try hard not to stay focused on it. Remember as mentioned above you did not cause this to happen. Focus on the good in your life now and that precious child of yours. Take care of you and your child as you move forward and know that it is ok to feel happy and travel forward.

Sometimes we cannot always take some people along with us as we move forward in our lives, we can only take the lesson that was given to us from the relationship and forgive them and wish them serenity in their own lives.

Keep us posted! Glad that you are here with us!

Daisy30

WOW! I really needed to hear that today

Learn2Live

Author Iyanla Vanzant has a nice saying, something like this:

People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

hadenoughnow

I was married to an A for 16 years.

Being with you won't keep him sober or alive (the "I will kill myself if you don't come back" is manipulation).

It's ok to leave and not go back.

It's ok to move on.

It's ok to be happy without him.

I'ts ok to let him own his problems.

You have already set a precendent with visitation, the court is unlikely to change that (unless he has lots of $$$ to spend on lawyers).

Lily

I have never lived with an A. (I was the addict) but I did hear a great saying one time from a very respected Pastor Chuck Smith of CCCM. "If you don't know what to do, don't do anything at all." Maybe you should take a step back from all relationships and see what how God can work.....?

blessings! Sheila

sandrawg

He's laying the guilt on thick like margarine, don't you think? I dunno but from what I know about the program, that kind of behavior doesn't jive with someone who's seriously working it.

AA encourages accepting responsibility. He is still stuck in deflecting mode. Please don't buy into it.

SailorKaren

Permit me, searchin, to encourage you with some excerpts from your post. I too have struggled with feelings of guilt and shame with the way my last relationship ended, and my comments are as much for me as they are for you.
Isn't it amazing how we will remain devoted to a partner who has this level of dysfunction. To be sure, our devotion can be excessive and dysfunctional in its own right, but I think it is a testament to our extraordinary capacity to love another in times of trouble. You have a great gift.
OK, right there, he broke your marriage vows and betrayed your sacred promise to each other. You could even argue that his mental abuse was enough. But he escalated from that and became violent. From that moment on, you were in a "dead marriage walking." He put the ball totally in your court, to do as you would choose in the face of his decision to end the relationship. Here is what you decided:
Would it have been any different if he had smashed his car into a light pole and been killed? You would have moved on. And look at what you created for yourself:
Way to go! You are demonstrating excellent care for yourself and your daughter.
No, he sent himself into a tailspin by choosing to drink and to continue abusing himself. Then he chose to seek recovery by getting sober and getting a new job. Good for him. Really. But the marriage is still over, and you decided to move on. Those are the facts, and they are indeed sad ones. You are under no obligation to undo your choice to move on. He has the choice to move on as well, and make no mistake, he will face consequences for the choices he made to hurt you. Those are also the facts, and they are also sad ones. Letting him experience those consequences is another great gift you can give him. You do not owe him a reprieve from that.
For me, when I am experiencing shame, it is a very uncomfortable emotion that makes me feel like an intense spotlight is shining on me, and everyone is staring at me and thinking I am defective in some way. Guilt is exactly the same, with the additional thought that I have done something wrong as well. When I am feeling intense guilt or shame, I have a tendency to want to blame others, because that will move the spotlight off me and onto another. Blame is a coping strategy, but not a cure. I think your husband is feeling a lot of shame right now. See how he feels defective in that no woman will want to be with him? And watch his coping strategy of blame kick in:
He is so desperate to escape the painful experience of shame, that he twists the facts to say that you abandoned him, and that his happiness is your responsibility. Driven by shame as he is, he can spot it in you in an instant, and he is causing you to feel shame in a moment of your weakness. He knows how uncomfortable shame will make you feel, and he is in effect torturing you. It is the act of a coward. You have the right to feel angry about this. Feel some of the anger and let the energy of it move you forward and away from him. He is entitled to seek healing and relief from his shame in a healthy and constructive way. You are not obligated to be a part of that. In fact, you may not be well suited to do so. It will require professional or specialized intervention, like what you are getting from your counseling.
Oh searchin, I have to pause a moment to blot my tears as I feel the depths of your emotion...... searchin, this is so not your fault. searchin, your love and faithfulness shine like a jewel. searchin, you are a beautiful soul, doing your very best with a virus you did not ask for. I don't know how he got it, but it was not because you gave it to him by choice. He may have received it from you, but he made a choice with full knowledge of the risks. searchin, you need not blame yourself. Abandon that strategy and send an extra measure of love and compassion to your feelings of guilt, and let them fade in the confidence that you are not in some way defective, but are in fact a special and valuable woman, full of gifts with willingness to love and share with those around you. Love for yourself, and pride in your wonderful accomplishments are the way through guilt and shame, not a strategy like this:
I know, deeply, how painful the guilt can be. Don't try to avoid its intensity by taking an action you may later regret. Try to feel it fully and explore its deepest origins. Talk it through with your counselor and others you feel will support you unconditionally in this work. Turn it on its head and look for something to take pride in how you acted. Here's some examples:
Healing the shame that binds us is perhaps the most difficult thing we will ever face in our lives. Stay with it and wait for the miracle. I assure you it is there, and it will transform you forever. Please keep posting and share in the love and support we have for you.