Watchful

Hello to everyone on this forum. I have been hanging around for a while, reading, while deciding if I want to post or not. I know by now not to ask if I have a problem, I can only decide that for myself. However, I guesss I am wondering if anyone here has experienced similar thoughts/behaviors around alcohol.

I drank for the first time at age 14, I stole a bottle of champagne from my parents. Got very sick, but this did not deter me.

At 15, I moved onto drugs. The progression went something like: pot, LSD, ecstasy, cocaine, and of course the occasional prescription painkiller or anti-anxiety drug thrown in ther as well.

When I turned 21, I started binge drinking. I think I finally stopped abusing drugs around age 23. I have been sick more times than I can count. I have done extremely embarrassing things or got very sad, philosophical and weepy. My most embarrassing moment was being wheeled (in a wheelchair)out of Pleasure Island in Orlando after repeatedly puking all down the front of my dress while in a bathroom stall. I was conscious, but couldn't move. I begged them to take me to the ER but no one would. That was about 7 or 8 years ago.

Since then, I have continued to drink. When I get a hangover, it is extremely unpleasant, so I decided to concentrate on "not getting drunk" instead of stopping altogether.

I am complulsive about alcohol. No way can I leave a beer in the fridge for a week. If it is in the house, and it is something I like, I will drink it.

My father was an alcoholic and committed suicide when I was 18. Three years later, his father died. He was an alcoholic as well and had had his license revoked for DUI. He died from a heart attack, alone in a roach-infested apartment. My brother is an alcoholic and crack addict. He is currently not using drugs, but drinks and hides it from his girlfriend. My mother's family has no history of addiction or mental health problems.

I rationalize by saying all of my friends drink, my already pathetic social life will suffer further. No one I talk really thinks I have a problem with drinking. True, now I will drink 1-3 beers when I do drink. I can usually go about a week or two without a beer.

Given all this, it seems pretty freaking obvious that quitting would be a perfectly rational and healthy thing for me to do. So why can't I just do it?

Thoughts? Thanks in advance!

Wolfchild

Hello and welcome to the SR community.

There's a big difference between "can't" and "won't".
Why not go to an A.A. meeting today and ask for help?

i hope that you recover the Hope that you have lost.

joedris

Well, you've got all the symptoms os alcoholism, and a family history of the disease doesn't help. I'd suggest you try AA for a while. About your "bottom" - only you can tell when you reach it. But as you're in a pretty deep hole now, I wouldn't be grabbing a shovel. Reach for a ladder instead.

Philly

Welcome watchful. Are you being honest with this statement. If you have 1-3 beers occasionly when you drink and can go a week or two without drinking you probably learned your lesson. But then why are you here? For me I was carried by my son from a wine festival. Did I learn my lesson? Noooo I continued to drink a few more years. It gets worse. I have almost a year sober and wish I saw the red flags sooner. You are lucky to have found this site, keep reading and posting.

KenL

Welcome to SR. You ask why you can't just stop drinking. Some scientific studies imply that alcoholism is genetic. Also, drinking creates molecular changes in brain chemistry that make some people want to drink more. Check out the book Beyond the Influence. It will give you lots of information for the answers you seek.

Sometimes it's easier though to just know that the problem exists and that steps should be taken in order to deal with it.

NewBeginning010

Welcome to SR, there are a lot of good people here to help you through this.

You have to want to quit & be ready to completely & fully surrender yourself to alcohol & put all of your efforts into your recovery.

Stay close to SR & keep posting.

Here is a great place to start as to what is happening to you:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html (Excerpts from "Under The Influence")

There is also an Alcoholism forum here Alcoholism - http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/alcoholism/

12-step-support
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-support/


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Firehazard

It's not the last drink that kills us, it's the first

luckedog

"The FIRST thing to do when you find yourself ina hole is QUIT DIGGING"

I know it sounds simple but it is true!!

geothinkah

rightonac

I have a similar affliction. I have no trouble moderating my drinking when in social occasions or generally. But I will always eventually find an occasion to tie one on.

It makes it hard for me, knowing that the first beer will not lead to an automatic drunken state. I have to remember that the daily beer will lead to intoxicatin two weeks later.

Watchful

You're absolutely right. Why won't I? I am ambivalent, and I'm scared about what I'll be facing.

Watchful

Well, there will be occasions when I overdo it, then I spend the whole day lying on the couch, with my head pounding and my stomach turning, berating myself for my stupidity. (The last time I got really drunk was a couple of months ago) I probably could keep it to 1-3 at a time, the problem is that I think about it and worry about it constantly. I crave alcohol as well. It seems that the only answer is to stop.

Watchful

Yes, it makes it easier to rationalize my drinking. But you're right, eventually there comes a day when I choose not to stop at one, or three. It's like if I allow alcohol in my life, even a little, it will force its way back in eventually.

monkey1

Welcome Watchful. You've gotten some good responses already so I won't repeat them, but do think about attending AA. You seem to have some good insight into your situation, try to take your own advice and stop altogether. Good luck! Keep reading and posting here.

Dee74

DShea's right - lots of great advice here already so I'll just say welcome
Hope to see you around

D

CarolD

I sure hope you find your way into a healthy sober future.
Welcome....

Rusty Zipper

watch i have never met a rational alky yet...

oh, we might think were rational when were still booze'n it up...

and when we stop, our alcoholism trys to make the irrational, rational...

good wishes on your journey watch...

rz

Watchful

Just wanted to say thanks for the replies, suggestions and support. I do plan on sticking around here, though right now I will probably be soaking up and asking for advice rather than giving too much. I also plan on at least TRYING an AA meeting and seeing how it feels for me.

kj3880

If you do try an AA meeting (great idea!) try to remember to look for the similarities between you and the people sharing their stories, not the differences. And try to get there a bit early and stay a bit late so you can have a chance to meet people. We love newcomers!
KJ