Aysha

"Fake it til you make it"

That may work for many. But it hasnt for me. I feel like every day I am faking being ok with life. With being ok with this ..what seems like torturous struggle to stay clean.
he more I stay clean. The more angry I become. The more unhappy I am with myself. My life. Where I am and where I may or may not be going.
Yea..I am grateful for alot. But I am far from happy. And my anger is just festering inside me. I couldnt even tell you what I am angry about. I feel miserable all the time and so low I cant stand it some days.
I am just so tired of pretending like life is good or better now. Because it sure the hell doesnt feel like it.
I am becoming more and more cynical and bitter.
It isnt getting easier. And it never does.
Not inside.
Sure I am happy I am not running like a freak in the streets 24/7 anymore. But like alot of people say..It gets to a point where you begin to wonder whats the point if your just gonna be a miserable angry depressed POS because I cant take reality.
I am not sayin feel sorry for me. I know I am 100% accountable for everything and life is what you make it. But I amtrying so hard to make it how I think it should be. But somehow it just doesnt feel right. I feel like I am acting.
I held on for so long and so hard for weeks. It didnt get easier. It got harder and harder. And I did everything I could think of to get my mind elsewhere. But ultimately I was beaten again. Or I should say I let myself get beat.
I am just at a loss. I really am. Its like blur.
And so here I am as usual feeling stupid and disappointed and raging mad at myself. AGAIN.
Sorry loses its meaning after awhile. What is there to say anymore?
It just doesnt seem to mean **** anymore. None of it.
Words are just words. I obviously cant or really dont want to walk the walk.
I thought I did. And I feel like I do. But history is repeating itself as always.
And its all my fault. I let myself get weak.
I need some serious mental help. I know that.
How do you fix something when you dont even know whats wrong?
How can you justify being unhappy and completely miserable when theres nothing in your life to make you be that way?
I keep slipping further and further everytime I lose.
And the more time I stay clean. The more I become angry with everything.
I am so twisted and backwards.
I just dont know what to do anymore.
I cant get help. I cant help myself. No one else can help me. So WTF do you do then?
Where do you go from there?
I am always going to pick myself back up. But for what?
To start all over again in a couple months?
I am so F'ing tired of myself.
I just want to be happy with being normal. Its not too much to ask for.
So what is the problem here?
I have been an angry person ever since I was little. I always had anger problems. Drugs makes it way worse. And being clean really kicks it in high gear.
It just doesnt make any sense to me.
I shared something the other day on here. Something I have only told a couple other people. And I felt ashamed for sharing it.
I never share the deep dark side of me with anyone really.
I am pretty scary. Things I have done..seen. How could anyone be ok after all that?
I dont share because I know how extreme and dark alot of what I have been through is. And I know most people just cant understand unless they have been that deep.
I know there are lots of people who have right where I have been and even worse. But most havent.
Life in the street is no joke. When you hear about it on the news. Or see it in movies. Experiencing it is on a whole nother level. One that scars your mind for life.
And it all seemed normal then.
Its not normal. Its far from Fing normal.
All those years being out there are catching up with me now. Now that I have to face it and think about it. See it for what it really was. Not just part of daily living like it was then.
People just dont do those things.
Majority of people never even come close to experiencing it. Thank goodnes for that. I wouldnt wish it on anyone.
I am not saying I am special either.
But when it really comes down to it. We are all NOT the same. I dont beleive that for a minute.
I cant keep going on like this. Its wearing me down.
Its wearing me down more now than it ever did when I was on it all day every day.
And when your begging for help and they tell you your not sick enough to get help. Whats that tell you?
Your not worth it.
So go kill yourself or get closer to dieing and losing your fing mind before we will even consider anything,
I am mad. I am bitter. I am pissed the F off.
And I have no freakin idea why!

suki44883

Oh, Trish...I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad. You are the most honest person I've ever seen. You come here and pour out your feelings and never hold back. I admire you so much for that. Chiy, have you considered seeing a therapist or going to your doctor and telling him/her what's going on? Several years ago I felt just like you are explaining. I was so freaking ANGRY at everything and nothing at all. There was no reason for the anger. My life was going okay, no particular problems, I was just so Angry all the time and I couldn't talk myself out of it. I tried and tried to tell myself that I had no reason for all that anger and that I needed to just snap out of it. Every day, I'd tell myself that, going in to the office I'd talk to myself and tell myself that I could make it a good day and to just smile and not get upset. Well, that would last until I walked into the office and someone said good morning. I wanted to rip their head off! I was so miserable. I hated everyone and then felt so guilty for feeling that way. I finally went to my doctor and told her how I was feeling. She told me that sometimes, depression comes across as anger and started me on anti-depressants. To be honest, I felt better just after having told someone how I was feeling. Turns out the anti-depressants were exactly what I needed. After I had been on them for a couple of weeks, people told me I was like a different person. I was so much more easy going and didn't feel all that anger. Now, I'm not saying that you need ADs, but it is possible. If you are depressed (which wouldn't be at all unusual after all you've been through), you can't just talk yourself out of it. I don't know if you'd even be willing to try it, but I thought I'd throw it out there since what you are describing is almost exactly the way I felt. I hope you aren't offended because that's the last thing I'd want. I just wish there was something I could do to help you.

Heaja13

I don't have any answers for you but I understand what it feels like to be angry. Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad! Of course I have good days and bad days but most of those days it seems like I'm angry and if were to ask me why i wouldn't know what to tell you.

Unlike what you said, I have plenty of reasons to be angry but regardless I never have a pinpointed reason for being that way....

tommyk

Been going to any meetings?

Been making phone calls?

Hanging out with clean/sober people?

Keep coming back.

bohemianzen

i'm so sorry chi -- i wish i could fix it for you. i don't have any magic words to say, i wish i did. maybe your body is detoxing itself of all the crap you've had in your life...and it's taking a long time to get it out and it's not coming out all pretty or perfect.....i don't know. i'm sure that i am in for some junk like that (i've stuffed everything down all my life and when i do speak up the reactions i get make me feel like a nothing) all i can do is send my support for you and lots of take care of yourself in whatever ways that you can.

MycoolFitz

Well sobriety is the first step and the base from which all else may stand but it isn't the only thing. If sobriety was the answer to suffering, misery, pain, anger, grief, discontent, craving, fear, hate, jealousy, greed, etc. etc. All non-addicted people would experience Nirvana, and recovering people too. The truth is life happens with and without recovery. I'm fortunate to be an addict/alcohol/depressive/anxiety disordered PSTD experiencing here today dead tomorrow human. What can I say? I do sobriety, I see my therapist, take my meds, get up in the morning, do stuff go to bed at night. Sometimes, especially when active I felt like this:

In very many cases he knows quite clearly that he is destroying himself, that for him liquor is poison that he actually hates being drunk, and even dislikes the taste of liquor. And yet he drinks. For, dislike it as he may, the experience of not being drunk is worse. It gives him the ‘horrors’ for he stands face to face with the unveiled, basic insecurity of the world. Herein lies the crux of the matter. To stand face to face with insecurity is still not to understand it. To understand it, you must not face it but be it,”
-Alan Watts-

or

"Feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back…Those events and people in our lives who trigger our unresolved issues could be regarded as good news. We don’t have to go hunting for anything. We don’t need to try to create situations in which we reach our limit. They occur all by themselves, with clockwork regularity…Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We use all kinds of ways to escape—all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. We feel we must soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain."—Pema Chodron

However,I also believe this:

"To stay with that shakiness—to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge—that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic—this is the spiritual path. Getting the knack of catching ourselves, of gently and compassionately catching ourselves, is the path of the warrior. We catch ourselves one zillion times as once again, whether we like it or not, we harden into resentment, bitterness, righteous indignation—harden in any way, even into a sense of relief, a sense of inspiration."—Pema Chodron

This life's the trip I got, I might as well go down tilting at windmills, it'll eventually take care of itself. After all, its only life, we all get over it.Namaste

Zencat

I needed help to get my brain chemistry balanced first and then after 18 months of being in addiction treatment and seeing a very skilled therapist along with a wise psychiatrist it started to come together. Before that I couldn't fake a thing...not with my mind flipping out of control all over the place. But I have been been in addiction treatment as well as mental health treatment for well over 12 years. I relapse, the meds stop working or I'm sober and I relapse with my mental illness...up down all all around. Yet I have persisted in treatment through it all. Not easy to have slogged through it all but well worth it as of today. Yes today...all my suffering has come to some resolution...and I thank my dogged determination to get here...along with all the resourcefulness I fought tooth and nail and struggled to muster, enlist others to help me in my cause, persist, persist, persist...to get where I'm at today...I demanded wellness in the face of overwhelming odds...helping others heard me and helped me help myself.

My wish for you is...to be forceful in getting the help you so rightly deserve and never give up come hell or high water.

Dee74

(((Trish)))

you probably wont want to hear this but truth was it took me most of a year to feel routinely normal, and comfortable in my skin as a sober guy.

I didn't like it at the time, but looking back now, I abused myself for a long time - longer than some of my friends lived. That kind of damage just doesn't sort itself out in a month.

We're used to instant gratification - it's pretty ironic that this process takes as long as it takes.

Of course it's not just physical repair and resetting going on - I reckon most of us have a few emotional scars as well. They sometimes take even longer to heal.

It was a good few months before I stopped being freaked by the unfamiliarity of feeling...happy. It was longer still until I realised I deserved to feel that way.

Its hard for us to take things on faith but trust me - I wouldn't BS - things do come right...stay the distance, keep right with the plan, and things do, and will, settle.

I reckon Suki and Zen do have a point tho - if you feel like this is too much? it may be an underlying medical problem - Ithink it never hurts to see a dr or some kind of professional if you're unsure

Lean on us Trish - you're not alone
D

littlefish

Are you sure you can't find help? I found a therapist at my addiction outpatient center. She is a lifesaver. She helped me understand why I became so angry after I got sober.

You are not alone in finding yourself with uncontrollable and negative emotions in recovery. In many cases, and I hear this all the time in the rooms, it is because the booze helped us stuff the emotions. They were always there, but we kept them...bottled up. (Excuse the pun!)
I know booze isn't your DOC but I can imagine the dynamics are similar.
As a couple of the old timers here have mentioned: getting sober/clean started a sometimes painful process of self-discovery. It's painful, but the reward is self-acceptance in the end.

One of the first times I ever visited SR I was gobsmacked by a thread about accepting "not being normal". I never really thought about it like that. But, in the process of recovery I have, number one, had to accept that I am actually not normal. My childhood was far too damaging for me to ever dream of being normal.
But, number two, despite realizing I'll never be normal, I can be healthy. I look around at healthy normies and sure, I feel jealous. I can tell they have the confidence, the self-love, the nurtured child within I do not have. But, as my therapist points out, I can reach that place of emotional health...I just have more hoops to jump through to get there.
Sorry chiy, I am going to beat my little drum again: you can find help in this process, but you need to go out and seek it.

ChameleonBoy

There are people here at SR who are have double digit years of sobriety. They know how to stay sober. PM them and ask them how to stay sober, listen to what they tell you and then do it. You don't have to fake anything, just follow directions. I'm not trying to be harsh Chiynita, just keeping it simple.

four812

hey trish....i read your words and felt your pain from my perspective. of course there is nothing that I can do...especially many miles away and just tapping on a computer.

i can relate to the anger. i've got it. for me it continues to come in waves....and it also gets mixed in with boredom/apathy. it is these two things that have led me back over and over again.
\
I wish I could drop off "pema chodron" cd for you to listen to. it has been so helpful for me sometimes. I aint out of the woods, and perhaps will never be completely, but I'm working on this anger too.

thanks...love ya
and i always appreciate your posts and your honesty.

Aysha

I had a huge month long binge in the beginning of March. I lost my job again. My father stoppped talking to me again over it. My whole family was in Florida at the time for 10 days. I had let 2 dealers use my van for almost 3 weeks. I did evry and any thing I could to get help. I went to the rehab and they turned me away because my insurance said I didnt fit criteria. So I went to the ,ental place. Same thing. Outpatient is what they told me. My problem needs alot more help than OP can offer me. Like I said then. I needed to be locked away so I couldnt do whatever I felt like soing whenever I felt like doing it. I tried for weeks to get help. And they told me I wasnt sick enough.
Even when I did try to kill myself. They discharged me after 7 days in the rehab because I just want as bad off as they thought I should be. Now how much worse do you have to be than stabbing yourself 7 times in the stomach and eating over 250 pills and drinking clorox and windex and slashing both wrists? I had to have emergency surgery to repair damage to my intestines from the stabs. Stomach pumped. I was in the hospital for 5 days recovering. Insurance companies dont give a ****.
I often wonder how some people that go to 6 month rehabs do it. How do they get that kind of treatment? Whether it be private or medcaid.
I am going to look into some addiction therapy or something along those lines. This anger and miserable state of mind isnt just from drug use. I have felt like that since I was a kid. I was always getting into confrontations and wanting to fight all the time. It is just way worse now.
But I have to keep trying. I can never give up. But something has to change. I am not quite sure what it is yet.
I dont know. There are alot of fears I have. I project to much and I guess I do have alot of resentments from my past. Maybe it isnt me pretending to be ok clean. Maybe its really me pretending that I dont have any issues deeper than the drugs. Maybe they are right when they tell me I had a screwed up childhood. But I dont see it that way. My gram gave me everything I could ever hope for. She has always been there for me and loves me unconditionally without judgment. My family is very forgiving and will do anything they can for me. They wont go as far as my gram does. But they still try to understand.
But I did have alot of things happen to me when Iw as growing up. My mom disappearing when I was 5. My dad always drunk and in prison when I was little. I was spoiled and always got my way with my gram. And still do to this day. Well not as much really. I was molested twice. Once by my great grandfather. Grew up in a house with two alcoholics. My grandfather was very emotionally and verbally abusive. I had way too much freedom growing up so I started doing things at a very young age. Sex and drugs when I was 12. Thats insane.
Now I get all mental over my grams dieing some day. Me never making her proud. Her never seeing me make it. What will happen to me when shes gone. Will me and my father ever have a relationship? Am I ever going to get a decent job and quit losing them left and right over drugs? Will I ever be able to take care of myself. and survive?
I do have alot of fears for future.
Anyway. I know this isnt a therapy board. So i am going to stop.
Thx everyone for listening.

suki44883

(((Trish))) Sounds like you could be suffering from PTSD. Therapy can help tremendously with this. I'm so glad to hear you are considering it.

BKP

The biggest thing to overcome is me, myself. Remember this when things get stressed out and people are going insane and it seems like life is nothing to live for. You do have something to live for the next day has to be better than today (esp if today really sucked)

1. my brain is being a *******
2. my body is being a jerk
3. people around me are setting me off.
4. you, do something for you to please you (please keep it legal )

vegibean

Trish :ghug3

I wish I knew what to say to you. I totally understand your feelings but I do hope that you'll stay here and hold on. I KNOW life sucks sometimes but you are so worth it to stay on the path. I know everyone just wants to see you make it.

I hope it's getting better for you..........

kwigers

chiynita,

It sounds to me like you are exactly where you need to be! Angry, frustrated and pissed off is absolutely NORMAL! Why else would most of us have ever decided to surrender?!

Most of us got so friggin pissed off and sick and tired of being sick and tired that we finally gave in and surrendered to the program, or to something greater than ourselves, in order to stop what we were doing that continually to kept us in that state of recycling **** in our lives! (sound familiar?)

You are actually in that place on the edge of the fence, the edge of grace-you can either go back and walk the circle of **** you've been walking, keep doing what you have done in the past and keep getting what you have gotten, or you can do something differently!

Ego never wants to let go of the pattern it has been in, and when you try to change ego steps in and the chatter in the head gets crazy loud! I think of it as my ego having a temper tantrum, that's all that is! Ego always wants me to see the negative **** everywhere I look. If there's not something in front of me, then it will bring stuff up from the past simply to have me regurgitate it over and over and over again and again, until I am so pissed I decide to give in to ego wanting me to use again, to do what I have always done. It is a temper tantrum - that's all!

How to get a break from the ego tantrum is to get yourself out of your head, quit listening to ego throwing a fit! In other words, stop listening to your thoughts! They will lie and make up **** all the time! Think about a kid throwing a temper tantrum, that kid knows that if he or she carries on long enough, the mom or dad will give in- so does your ego! Are YOU really mad, or is it your ego thats pissed off? Is it your ego that does not want you to feel better, to be free from your addictions?
Get into the moment!

Into your body! Breath is life, when you pay attention to your breath you can enter into your body, and begin to feel and explore your senses. What are you FEELING (not the ******** your ego is feeding you) what is your sense of touch and feel experiencing? There is a difference between mind and body! Get out of your mind and into your body, and you will find a vacation, a resort waiting for you that is peaceful and calm! What is your sense of smell smelling RIGHT NOW? Get into your breath, and you five senses, and explore what it is to be YOU in this moment, and you will experience some relief from your mind, your ego ********!

My suggestion is to spend the next five or ten minutes in the moment and then re-write your morning, from a place of presence! Out of the stories your ego is making up for your to regurgitate!

Much love and light to you!!!
~Cheryl

Emily2002

------------------------------------

It took a while to find someone I really connected with, but the therapy was so worth it. It's one thing to write stuff down here and to go round and round with it in our own heads as far as what we should or shouldn't be doing, but another thing entirely to be able to verbalize it, to cry about it, to hear spoken feedback and to be able to blurt out feelings there on the spot. So much of what I learned during those sessions made sense...

You've been through hell over the years and I'm so thankful that the part of you that's here -- sharing and helping -- survived. Nurture that part.

You're so worth it.

As far as cost is concerned -- I've found that many therapists offer sliding scales. The system's failed you in the past when it's come to getting admitted into an inpatient/long term rehab program -- but maybe social services might be able to recommend some ongoing outpatient options?



:ghug3

Tazman53

Trish have you thought about trying another way then your way?

My way damn near killed me and I was not out on the streets.

Why not go to some NA meetings and ask some of the folks there how they got help?

What do you have to lose?

What can it hurt goiing to a couple of NA meetings and asking some of the folks with years of being clean and sober where they got help and how?

I can assure you that a lot of the folks there who have been clean and sober for some time could point you in the direction of therapist, programs & rehabs that can help you.

We all want to be able to do it our way, but we reach the point where it is a choice, either we continue to try and do it our way and die, or we ask for help from others who have found a way to stay clean, sober and living life and do it thier way surrendering to the fact that our way does not work. This is what I had to do, admit that my way did not work and I was going to either die or do something that worked for others.

Bamboozle

Councelling, chiy. Please. Wherever you have to go to get someone to take you seriously...there has to be something somewhere...and even if insurance can't cover it in my opinion it is worth it to pay out of pocket as a last resort. That's what I'm doing now. I go anywhere from once a week to every other week...whatever I can afford.

stone

Hi Trish, I understand the frustration. Obviously I can't know if you need therapy, meds, NA or all 3 or something else. I can only suggest trying anything, anything different. One thing about NA is it is free. I know you don't like NA and I didn't like AA much, I spent 2 years in and out of it, fighting it really. But I am glad I stuck around because I feel like I am getting some benefit from it now. And during those 2 years at least it got me out of the house and meeting new people...something I don't like to do.
I would also really encourage you to follow through with your interest in Buddhism.