Was I Wrong?
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Was I Wrong?
I wrote abf a letter telling him how I feel. I was kind of brutally honest, but i was honest none-the-less. I told him that I don't believe that he has control over his pills and that I don't believe him when he tells me he does because he lied to me about it in the past. Also, I told him that I don't like how he manipulates people. I hear him do it and he even tells me how good he is at it. I told him that it makes me question what he's telling me. Also, I told him that it makes me question a relationship he had with a woman a couple years ago. I knew something was going on with them. He told me he never cheated, but i did find a text from him to her saying "I miss you more than you know". He claims he was just saying that as a friend. In my opinion, you don't say something like that to a friend. If i miss a friend, I say, hey, we should get together sometime or something like that. Or even just an I miss you is sufficient, right??? This is a woman who he emailed earlier on in our relationship and told her that she's a beautiful woman. I'm sorry, but that is not okay in my book when you're in a relationship.
Also, i told him that he made me believe that he didn't have a problem with alcohol when we first met and then i found out that it was an issue. I don't want the same thing with the pills where I fall for it and then find out there's an issue that he made me believe there wasn't. He is not home right now, but I see notes on my letter where he noted that it was the atmosphere he had a problem with, not the alcohol.
His other notes he made says that I live in a fantasy world and none of my friends cheat. He thinks that is completely unrealistic to have friends who don't cheat. Seriously, is that that crazy? I know many people who have cheated, but none of my close friends have that i'm aware of. I don't think that has me living in a fantasy world. Apparently I am also naive and have an attitude.
So obviously he did not react well to my letter. Now i'm wondering if i shouldn't have bombarded him with everything at once. I just wanted to get it all so he knows where I'm coming from. But obviously he took offense and is now coming back at me with insults. I left the note and was gone with my mom for a couple of hours. When I got home, he wasn't here, but I saw the notes he made on the letter.
I guess it doesn't matter now because what's done is done. I just wanted to bring everything in the open. Guess maybe i went too far. Or should have just talked in person. But it's so hard to talk in person because it always turns into an argument and he throws me off course so i never really say what I feel or else I feel like he doesn't take what I say seriously because he finds a way to minimize how I say I'm feeling.
I'm dreading him coming home. This is not gonna be fun.
Also, i told him that he made me believe that he didn't have a problem with alcohol when we first met and then i found out that it was an issue. I don't want the same thing with the pills where I fall for it and then find out there's an issue that he made me believe there wasn't. He is not home right now, but I see notes on my letter where he noted that it was the atmosphere he had a problem with, not the alcohol.
His other notes he made says that I live in a fantasy world and none of my friends cheat. He thinks that is completely unrealistic to have friends who don't cheat. Seriously, is that that crazy? I know many people who have cheated, but none of my close friends have that i'm aware of. I don't think that has me living in a fantasy world. Apparently I am also naive and have an attitude.
So obviously he did not react well to my letter. Now i'm wondering if i shouldn't have bombarded him with everything at once. I just wanted to get it all so he knows where I'm coming from. But obviously he took offense and is now coming back at me with insults. I left the note and was gone with my mom for a couple of hours. When I got home, he wasn't here, but I saw the notes he made on the letter.
I guess it doesn't matter now because what's done is done. I just wanted to bring everything in the open. Guess maybe i went too far. Or should have just talked in person. But it's so hard to talk in person because it always turns into an argument and he throws me off course so i never really say what I feel or else I feel like he doesn't take what I say seriously because he finds a way to minimize how I say I'm feeling.
I'm dreading him coming home. This is not gonna be fun.
it's a movie, you're the star
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 355
Hey!
Thanks so much for posting this. A few things jumped out at me, so here goes:
Also, I told him that I don't like how he manipulates people. I hear him do it and he even tells me how good he is at it. I told him that it makes me question what he's telling me. Also, I told him that it makes me question a relationship he had with a woman a couple years ago.
Why is it that addicts pride themselves on their manipulation skills? I've encountered many addicts - all of them men by the way - who bragged about their "master techniques" and my immediate response was "uhm, EW that is not attractive at all!" I don't blame you for wanting him to know this either! Besides that fact that he's clearly sick and addicted, he sounds like he's completely mistreating you. Healthy relationships do not consist of anything more than playful jealousy - and by playful jealousy I mean simple remarks to show you genuinely care about your partner and always ends in each of you professing your commitment - this is not playful. He's either lying or he's lying. Either way he's lying
You are completely right to feel that who your boyfriend surrounds himself with completely reflects on who he is, however, a REAL men wouldn't be tempted by he's loser friends if he feels he has something incredible waiting for him at home. My advice involving friends is: they aren't your friends, their his. How would you feel if your boyfriend was constantly nagging you about your choice in friends? Pretty freakin' annoying, right?
I have been cheated on countless amounts of times, and I honestly 100% feel it has nothing to do with me, it has to do with the men I dated (they were always drunk and high and stupid enough to believe that was an excuse, they were also teenagers) so if your man is cheating, don't take it personally. I completely suggest you making it blatantly clear that if he cheats on you, you leave. I make that a preliminary rule before I enter any relationship, and call me a paranoid bitch but hey, it's important each party is clear on the rules.
You are clearly very bogged down in your relationship with a selfish, unhealthy addict - I'm sure he's charming though! My ultimate suggestion: pick yourself up, dust of the dirt on your shoulder, read up on codependency, check out alanon, and call one of your galpals but DO NOT talk about him any more. You need to focus on your priority: yourself.
You're amazing - don't forget that.
Please feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat, I love playing the role of supportive galpal who knows a thing or two about dating a loser.
Hugs & support,
Rachel
Thanks so much for posting this. A few things jumped out at me, so here goes:
Also, I told him that I don't like how he manipulates people. I hear him do it and he even tells me how good he is at it. I told him that it makes me question what he's telling me. Also, I told him that it makes me question a relationship he had with a woman a couple years ago.
Why is it that addicts pride themselves on their manipulation skills? I've encountered many addicts - all of them men by the way - who bragged about their "master techniques" and my immediate response was "uhm, EW that is not attractive at all!" I don't blame you for wanting him to know this either! Besides that fact that he's clearly sick and addicted, he sounds like he's completely mistreating you. Healthy relationships do not consist of anything more than playful jealousy - and by playful jealousy I mean simple remarks to show you genuinely care about your partner and always ends in each of you professing your commitment - this is not playful. He's either lying or he's lying. Either way he's lying
You are completely right to feel that who your boyfriend surrounds himself with completely reflects on who he is, however, a REAL men wouldn't be tempted by he's loser friends if he feels he has something incredible waiting for him at home. My advice involving friends is: they aren't your friends, their his. How would you feel if your boyfriend was constantly nagging you about your choice in friends? Pretty freakin' annoying, right?
I have been cheated on countless amounts of times, and I honestly 100% feel it has nothing to do with me, it has to do with the men I dated (they were always drunk and high and stupid enough to believe that was an excuse, they were also teenagers) so if your man is cheating, don't take it personally. I completely suggest you making it blatantly clear that if he cheats on you, you leave. I make that a preliminary rule before I enter any relationship, and call me a paranoid bitch but hey, it's important each party is clear on the rules.
You are clearly very bogged down in your relationship with a selfish, unhealthy addict - I'm sure he's charming though! My ultimate suggestion: pick yourself up, dust of the dirt on your shoulder, read up on codependency, check out alanon, and call one of your galpals but DO NOT talk about him any more. You need to focus on your priority: yourself.
You're amazing - don't forget that.
Please feel free to PM me if you ever need to chat, I love playing the role of supportive galpal who knows a thing or two about dating a loser.
Hugs & support,
Rachel
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
There's a saying....say what you mean, but don't say it mean. Sounds like you did that and you had legitimate reasons for wanting to say them in a letter - the arguing and changing the subject is a form of manipulation - he probably knows it and he's using it.
I'm a big believer in following your instincts/feelings and not letting others tell you how you should feel...you feel how you feel...and that's that. You are perfectly entitled to have your own thoughts, your own ideas, and your own opinions. You have reasons that you are concerned - and nothing he says changes that. The fact that you have an issue with pills (and alcohol) makes it an issue - whether or not he agrees with you or tries to talk you out of thinking this - you get to decide what is and isn't ok for you and what's going on isn't ok with you. Hope this makes sense because I'm kind of having a hard time putting my thoughts into words.
So, now that you have expressed yourself to him, what do you hope to come from this letter? I'm only asking because you said you wanted to bring everything out into the open. Now that you did that, have you thought about what all this means to you in your life? There's the saying that you can't change, control, or cure others....doesn't sound like he is ready to change himself - but you get to make choices for yourself and what you want.
(not looking for answers to those questions....just putting them out there to think about)
I'm a big believer in following your instincts/feelings and not letting others tell you how you should feel...you feel how you feel...and that's that. You are perfectly entitled to have your own thoughts, your own ideas, and your own opinions. You have reasons that you are concerned - and nothing he says changes that. The fact that you have an issue with pills (and alcohol) makes it an issue - whether or not he agrees with you or tries to talk you out of thinking this - you get to decide what is and isn't ok for you and what's going on isn't ok with you. Hope this makes sense because I'm kind of having a hard time putting my thoughts into words.
So, now that you have expressed yourself to him, what do you hope to come from this letter? I'm only asking because you said you wanted to bring everything out into the open. Now that you did that, have you thought about what all this means to you in your life? There's the saying that you can't change, control, or cure others....doesn't sound like he is ready to change himself - but you get to make choices for yourself and what you want.
(not looking for answers to those questions....just putting them out there to think about)
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Forgot to mention that at the end of the letter I did say that this situation is very hard on me because i don't know how to fix things.... or even if we CAN fix things. That was part of the point in the letter... to let him know that this is not an easy fix and that it is really a very complex issue...
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
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Sweetie I have no more possible answers, solutions, or suggestions for you.
Maybe go back and read some of your old threads. Nothing changes if nothing changes. He continues to manipulate and you continue to ride the roller coaster.
You are correct, you CANNOT FIX ANYTHING, the relationship, him, etc. The only thing you can fix is yourself.
Hopefully someone will have something new to share with you, I only have the same old message.
Oh, BTW, exactly why do you stay???
Love and hugs,
Maybe go back and read some of your old threads. Nothing changes if nothing changes. He continues to manipulate and you continue to ride the roller coaster.
You are correct, you CANNOT FIX ANYTHING, the relationship, him, etc. The only thing you can fix is yourself.
Hopefully someone will have something new to share with you, I only have the same old message.
Oh, BTW, exactly why do you stay???
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
I think trying to change goes with trying to control and the three Cs that I meant above are: You didn't CAUSE it. You can't CONTROL it. You can't CURE it.
Yep - and in my experience it doesn't get any easier - and if the addict is still using it usually gets worse.
I really like what bubblegum says here:
Forgot to mention that at the end of the letter I did say that this situation is very hard on me because i don't know how to fix things.... or even if we CAN fix things. That was part of the point in the letter... to let him know that this is not an easy fix and that it is really a very complex issue...
I really like what bubblegum says here:
......... read up on codependency, check out alanon, and call one of your galpals ......... You need to focus on your priority: yourself.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by justtired 
I wrote abf a letter telling him how I feel. I was kind of brutally honest, but i was honest none-the-less. I told him that
Also, i told him that
. Apparently I am also naive and have an attitude.
But it's so hard to talk in person because it always turns into an argument and he throws me off course so i never really say what I feel or else I feel like he doesn't take what I say seriously because he finds a way to minimize how I say I'm feeling.
Also, i told him that
. Apparently I am also naive and have an attitude.
But it's so hard to talk in person because it always turns into an argument and he throws me off course so i never really say what I feel or else I feel like he doesn't take what I say seriously because he finds a way to minimize how I say I'm feeling.
I wrote a letter...
I told him...
I also told him....
I have an attitude.....
Talking turns into an argument.....
He finds a way to minimize my feelings........
See.... when in a unhealthy relationship, (particuarly one who deals with a person who is an addit), there is no way of having the conversation. SO, we write letters, or leave notes..... or send a text.
Regardless of our method of 'telling' or 'letting them know', it never works. I have yet to hear of the time a letter, or anything else sent a magic lightbulb flashing on in their brain.... they never read it and say, "oh my, you are right, I'm wrong, and I'm sorry, and I'll change."
NEVER!!
Furthermore, if they do, it's usually b.s., manipulations when they think that they are 'loosing' you..........
Bottom line is you have to realize that all the talking, writing, etc, in the world is not going to 'change' anything. You are choosing to stay in this relationship-- with that you HAVE to accept this is 'as good as it gets', and then decide how you feel about that.
Only you will know if this is good enough for you.....
Because sweets, if we had a script that we could give them, the magic letter of sorts that would 'change' things, or at a minimum have them 'understand' our pain and discontent, we would all be running to the local photo copier and handing them out to our loved ones.
Ya know what I'm sayin?
Stop beating your head against the wall. Just put down the pen... unless you want to write to yourself, or a friend who will truely empathise and validate what you feel. For an addict.... you can lead them to water, but you can't make em drink.
hugs lovey..... I've been where you are a hundred times. If I had a dollar for every 'conversation', 'letter', 'text', etc. i've had -- i'd be retired!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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Justtired......I am so sorry for what you are going through. Like the saying goes been there done that.....
What Cessy had to say is GOLD. She is so right on the money with that. And so are you when you talked about whenever you do start a converstation it ends in an agruement or he throws you off and you don't get to EXPLAIN yourself better...THAT IS WHAT I CALL THE HAMSTER WHEEL of being in a relationship with an addict......
I would like to add on to what Cess had to say.
Not only will the letters, converstations, texts, notes etc NOT WORK but in fact make things worse for US.
We as Codies truly do think that we have what I call "magical words". What I mean is that we honestly think that we have such power that we will actually sit down and work out in our heads "well if I say this then POOF he will get it"!!!! Am I right? We think we can still CONTROL the addict with our magical words.
NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
How does it make things worse? Lets break this down with what is going on in a codie head. We sit there and think up these wonderful things we are gonna say. BEING TOTALLY HONEST (like we are the ones that have trouble with honesty) us codies usually like to say that we are being honest when we have conversatations with people about our feelings. I am gonna write such and such this wonderful magical thinking letter and BAM he is gonna get it and then he will get help and we will live happily ever after........Can anyone relate to that magical thinking????
Then we spend all of that time (ususally in our heads) and put all of that ENERGY into "fixing" our addict then we get MAD because they dont respond the way WE want them to. They REFUSE to see it OUR way. So now here again WE are left with these raw hurt emotions. But we keep buying into the magical thinking theory. We keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. And then sit here and ask ourselves what we did wrong.....Not remembering that it really isnt about US its THEM.
ITS MADDNESS.
So after all of that how many times are you going to get on the hamster wheel and keep going round and round? I got on that wheel so many times and each time kept expecting something different to happen. Finally you just get to a point where you pass getting on. You will get there. Just have faith and trust yourself to know that you will know when its time to pass.....
What Cessy had to say is GOLD. She is so right on the money with that. And so are you when you talked about whenever you do start a converstation it ends in an agruement or he throws you off and you don't get to EXPLAIN yourself better...THAT IS WHAT I CALL THE HAMSTER WHEEL of being in a relationship with an addict......
I would like to add on to what Cess had to say.
Not only will the letters, converstations, texts, notes etc NOT WORK but in fact make things worse for US.
We as Codies truly do think that we have what I call "magical words". What I mean is that we honestly think that we have such power that we will actually sit down and work out in our heads "well if I say this then POOF he will get it"!!!! Am I right? We think we can still CONTROL the addict with our magical words.
NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
How does it make things worse? Lets break this down with what is going on in a codie head. We sit there and think up these wonderful things we are gonna say. BEING TOTALLY HONEST (like we are the ones that have trouble with honesty) us codies usually like to say that we are being honest when we have conversatations with people about our feelings. I am gonna write such and such this wonderful magical thinking letter and BAM he is gonna get it and then he will get help and we will live happily ever after........Can anyone relate to that magical thinking????
Then we spend all of that time (ususally in our heads) and put all of that ENERGY into "fixing" our addict then we get MAD because they dont respond the way WE want them to. They REFUSE to see it OUR way. So now here again WE are left with these raw hurt emotions. But we keep buying into the magical thinking theory. We keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. And then sit here and ask ourselves what we did wrong.....Not remembering that it really isnt about US its THEM.
ITS MADDNESS.
So after all of that how many times are you going to get on the hamster wheel and keep going round and round? I got on that wheel so many times and each time kept expecting something different to happen. Finally you just get to a point where you pass getting on. You will get there. Just have faith and trust yourself to know that you will know when its time to pass.....
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
If I'm going to write a letter and actually give it to someone, I'd better have zero expectations of the other person's reactions. I've created a lot of pain for myself in thinking I can make someone understand something they have no desire to understand.
I truly hope that you will get to the point you realize you do deserve so much better, and you take that big scarey leap into a future full of wonderful things for you, sans active addiction in your life. :ghug2
I truly hope that you will get to the point you realize you do deserve so much better, and you take that big scarey leap into a future full of wonderful things for you, sans active addiction in your life. :ghug2
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by cessy68
Hey JT
Regardless of our method of 'telling' or 'letting them know', it never works. I have yet to hear of the time a letter, or anything else sent a magic lightbulb flashing on in their brain.... they never read it and say, "oh my, you are right, I'm wrong, and I'm sorry, and I'll change."
Regardless of our method of 'telling' or 'letting them know', it never works. I have yet to hear of the time a letter, or anything else sent a magic lightbulb flashing on in their brain.... they never read it and say, "oh my, you are right, I'm wrong, and I'm sorry, and I'll change."
I am SOOOO guilty of this!!!!
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Thanks everyone. You know, the sad thing is that I don't want to MAKE abf DO anything. Really all I want is for him to understand how I feel. Which I guess is really a futile attempt seeing as he's not going to understand how it hurts me if he can't see there's an issue. But you know what, it still made me feel better just getting it out in the open. Weird thing though... when abf came back last night he made no mention at all of the comments he had made on the letter. So that means one of two things:
1) He was angry when he read the letter and responded in anger, only to calm down later and have a calm conversation
2) What he wrote down was how he REALLY felt, but he told me what I wanted to hear.
When he came home, he talked calmly about what I had said in the letter and told me how much he loves me and would do anything for me.
It's a very hard thing to accept that you can't believe the words coming out of the mouth of someone you have always trusted. For 8 years I trusted him and now I can't. That transition is a hard one to make. It's very hard to force your brain (and heart) to accept that this person is no longer the person you could trust. And maybe he never really was the person I thought he was. I know that I should probably leave. I knew a few months ago in the back of my head and in my gut that I should leave. Emotionally I haven't been ready but you know what, I've learned A LOT in the meantime about myself. This is a hard and painful lesson, but definitely one worth learning.
I don't know you guys. This is hard. Thanks for allowing me to vent once again.
1) He was angry when he read the letter and responded in anger, only to calm down later and have a calm conversation
2) What he wrote down was how he REALLY felt, but he told me what I wanted to hear.
When he came home, he talked calmly about what I had said in the letter and told me how much he loves me and would do anything for me.
It's a very hard thing to accept that you can't believe the words coming out of the mouth of someone you have always trusted. For 8 years I trusted him and now I can't. That transition is a hard one to make. It's very hard to force your brain (and heart) to accept that this person is no longer the person you could trust. And maybe he never really was the person I thought he was. I know that I should probably leave. I knew a few months ago in the back of my head and in my gut that I should leave. Emotionally I haven't been ready but you know what, I've learned A LOT in the meantime about myself. This is a hard and painful lesson, but definitely one worth learning.
I don't know you guys. This is hard. Thanks for allowing me to vent once again.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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Originally Posted by justtired
Really all I want is for him to understand how I feel.
I also second what Freedom said about our expectations. If you do something with even a tiny bit of expectation you are setting yourself up big time. One thing I am learning to do when I get in that mode is to ask myself what my motives are. Usually when I answer with...I want them to understand, I want them to change their mind...I want I want I want......That translates into EXPECTING.
We are all a work in progress.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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"So obviously he did not react well to my letter. Now i'm wondering if i shouldn't have bombarded him with everything at once. I just wanted to get it all so he knows where I'm coming from."
Don't feel bad if he can't handle the truth. It's good you're getting it all out, for your own well-being but I doubt very seriously he will ever CARE where you are coming from, except for what it will get HIM.
Don't feel bad if he can't handle the truth. It's good you're getting it all out, for your own well-being but I doubt very seriously he will ever CARE where you are coming from, except for what it will get HIM.
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
As an afterthought... why do I still question sometimes if he is an addict?
People don't pee themselves from drinking too much if they are not an alcoholic. People do not go through withdrawal from alcohol if they are not an alcoholic.
People don't lose control over their lives by abusing a med if they are not an addict. People who aren't addicts don't have a problem taking their meds as prescribed.
Right?
I get so mad at myself because I still question. It's like I need constant proof that there is a problem. Sort of the "out of sight out of mind" thing. Why do I always question myself and how do I learn to trust my own instincts?
People don't pee themselves from drinking too much if they are not an alcoholic. People do not go through withdrawal from alcohol if they are not an alcoholic.
People don't lose control over their lives by abusing a med if they are not an addict. People who aren't addicts don't have a problem taking their meds as prescribed.
Right?
I get so mad at myself because I still question. It's like I need constant proof that there is a problem. Sort of the "out of sight out of mind" thing. Why do I always question myself and how do I learn to trust my own instincts?
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Originally Posted by justtired
As an afterthought... why do I still question sometimes if he is an addict?
Why do I always question myself and how do I learn to trust my own instincts?
Why do I always question myself and how do I learn to trust my own instincts?
You question yourself because you are fighting yourself. We all have the answers we seek in life. Its whether or not we choose to listen to that gut or just pass it off as being nothing.
The other day I wanted to have a conversation with someone and all day I felt unsettled. I felt like the approach I was gonna use was somehow off. A voice said wait to talk to this person and the opportunity will present itself. Well being the GREAT magical thinker that I am I decided to NOT listen to MY OWN advice and went ahead and approached the person. It backfired. Nothing was accomplished. I should have listened to the voice. That was my gut giving me the answer that I was seeking but I turned the volume down.
Getting to know yourself and that voice will help you alot in life. I found that going through this ride of addiction that was the one part of me that I lost because I was so wrapped up in someone else instead of being wrapped up in myself. Its coming back slowly. I am starting to recognize the voice and maybe not listening to it but I am learning how to again....
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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why do I still question sometimes if he is an addict?Because it is VERY difficult to reconcile in your head the disparity between his behavior and his words (and what YOU want from him). When someone lies to you constantly (and lies are many things, like telling half-truths, or withholding important information), it becomes very confusing. They also are very good at distracting you from the truth. Not only that, you don't WANT him to be an addict. You see the good him. You see the "real" him. And because you love him. Not only that, you probably are living in more of a reality than he is and you just can't comprehend that someone would live that way.
And you're right, people don't do those things when they are not an alcoholic.
"People don't pee themselves from drinking too much if they are not an alcoholic." THAT WAS VERY FUNNY! LMAO!
Right? RIGHT!
I get so mad at myself because I still question. It's like I need constant proof that there is a problem. Sort of the "out of sight out of mind" thing. Why do I always question myself and how do I learn to trust my own instincts?
Many many years ago (1997), when I first asked myself this question, I put it in my phone: "Trust Ur Instincts!" I said it constantly to myself, and drilled it into my head, everytime I became confused. It helps when you get away from them awhile, because you start to go back to normal. Then, when you get to be around the person again, you can see and feel how they are treating you
Going to Al-Anon helps because the more you go, the more you realize, we are all talking about the SAME person, the SAME disease. So you start to be able to understand how this disease affects the addict, and then you are able to separate yourself from the disease in your conscious mind.
When you turn your attention away from him and start focusing on YOUR life and YOUR needs (he's out of sight out of mind), you get a little peace and feel comfortable. You're not focusing on him because you can't do that ALL the time. Then they will create chaos and confusion and that's when you see all these signs that he IS an addict. Sooner or later, you come to realize, this is not a partnership because you can't trust him to take care of himself while you are trying to take care of yourself. Not only that, but he makes your life more difficult.
Anyway, that's how I understand it for myself.
And you're right, people don't do those things when they are not an alcoholic.
"People don't pee themselves from drinking too much if they are not an alcoholic." THAT WAS VERY FUNNY! LMAO!
Right? RIGHT!
I get so mad at myself because I still question. It's like I need constant proof that there is a problem. Sort of the "out of sight out of mind" thing. Why do I always question myself and how do I learn to trust my own instincts?
Many many years ago (1997), when I first asked myself this question, I put it in my phone: "Trust Ur Instincts!" I said it constantly to myself, and drilled it into my head, everytime I became confused. It helps when you get away from them awhile, because you start to go back to normal. Then, when you get to be around the person again, you can see and feel how they are treating you
Going to Al-Anon helps because the more you go, the more you realize, we are all talking about the SAME person, the SAME disease. So you start to be able to understand how this disease affects the addict, and then you are able to separate yourself from the disease in your conscious mind.When you turn your attention away from him and start focusing on YOUR life and YOUR needs (he's out of sight out of mind), you get a little peace and feel comfortable. You're not focusing on him because you can't do that ALL the time. Then they will create chaos and confusion and that's when you see all these signs that he IS an addict. Sooner or later, you come to realize, this is not a partnership because you can't trust him to take care of himself while you are trying to take care of yourself. Not only that, but he makes your life more difficult.
Anyway, that's how I understand it for myself.
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