eimaj

I'm writing on behalf of my boyfriend who is the alcoholic. He hadn't drank regularly in about 6 months now and while I was very impressed with his progress I made a promise to myself I didn't want to be with him anymore if he didn't stick to being sober.

I did something that ticked him off/hurt his feelings. Over the past day he's been regularly drinking and saying that because I did what I did, he has to deal with it and so I have to deal with the fact that he wants to drink.

I don't want to be with him if he's not going to be serious about being sober. This may seem like a obvious question, but I feel like I need the validation right now. Am I right in thinking that it is his choice to drink whether or not I had influence it? What can I do to help him stop or should I just not expect him to stop? I am so unsure.

Thanks for listening/reading to my rant.

Freedom1990

If we had the power to make someone drink, we'd surely have the power to get them sober.

He's quacking, dear. Alcoholics are infamous for turning the tables on us and making us doubt ourselves.

You deserve so much better, as do I.

Yes, it was hard to leave my EXAH, but it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

Jadmack25

I found a quote of a post from ages back, that I had copied so I would not forget it.
I think it answers your question perfectly.

(((Please do not think you are part of the reason we drink, you are not responsible for our disease in any way shape form or fashion, we are sick and we may lay a guilt trip on you saying you did such and such which made me drink!!! That is the disease we have speaking and nothing else.

You are not responsible for us in any way, any thing you do thinking you are helping us (Except for dropping us of at detox/rehab(do not pay for it)) is hurting us and you.

You are responsible only for what you have control over.... YOU!)))

totfit

Find greener pastures.

TrainWreckAgain

You in NO WAY have the power to make him do anything. Unless you tied him down, plugged his nose, put a funnel in his mouth and kept pouring booze into the funnel until he swallowed... you did not make him drink... it was his choice and his choice alone.

Addicts and alcoholics will lie, manipulate, blame and so on... all to be able to justify using their drug(s) of choice. By blaming you, he doesn't have to feel guilty.

When I first joined this site, I would read posts in which people would talk about the alcholoic or adict "quacking." They quack when they are saying things meant to distract you or mislead you... so you don't focus on the real issue, which is that they are using.

And, just as you can't make him drink, you can't make him stop... he has to get to the point where he sees that what he has to lose by continued drinking FAR outweighs what he gains. This is the concept of hitting bottom. The bottom is different for every addict / alcoholic. Some find it quickly, others don't ever find it.

I would encourage you to go to Al Anon meetings. I have been going regularly for about a month now... and learn something important about myself every time I attend....

One thought to carry with you as you think about this... You didn't create it [his drinking], you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

I wish you all the best. Take care of YOURSELF and figure out what is right for you. Read what others say on this site, but always remember, what worked for someone else, and what is right for someone else, may not be right for you. Only you can be the judge of that.

FindingBalance

It is NOT your fault. They use us as their reason because they need to have a reason that is not themselves, and not their addiction. I try to remember that, even now during his sobriety. I fear that I will say something to set him off. After writing this, I must remember this the next time I am PO'd, and want to say how I'm feeling.

Taking5

This implies that he has been drinking some. Since alcoholics are experts at hiding behavior, I am guessing he has drank a lot more than the amount you are aware of/suspect him of.

The first part of this quote is true - he has to deal with it. He has chosen to use alcohol to deal with it. The second part of this quote is also true - if he is going to drink you cannot stop him and you must deal with it. However your choice of how to deal with it can include leaving him forever.

So what do you want to do? Deal with it by putting up with it, or deal with it by cutting him out of your life?

PurpleWilder

If I had the kind of control over things in my life that your boyfriend claims that you have in his, I would have a much better job, a great boyfriend and considerably less cellulite.

You are powerless over his decision to drink. How he handles whatever issue you two had is a choice backed up by a compulsion. I'm sure he drank excessively before you two met - whose fault was it then?

Concentrate on what you feel you need to do and let him do the same.

sandrawg

While he was sober, was he getting help? therapy...AA...anything?

I truly do not believe an alcoholic can stay sober without an AA program. It's the only proven treatment for alcoholism.

Typical alcoholic mentality is to look for an excuse to drink because it allows them to stay in denial about their disease--you ticking him off is a convenient one. An upcoming holiday is the one my exabf used. A bad living situation is another.

See my most recent post where I copied an old chat log between me and him-sooo many excuses to drink. Well, do you go down a fifth of vodka when you get into a fight with a loved one? Of course not. Neither do I.

He hasn't admitted he's powerless against alcohol. Until he does that, he's only toying at sobriety, and it's for you not him, so it will never stick.

You need to decide are you going to stay in that disease with him and tolerate the pain, frustration, and stress it causes? Or do you want something better for yourself?

You're the only one you can control. It's your life, not his.

I say all this cuz I've been there.

**{hugs}}

MeHandle

Okay.

Read "your" above promise to yourself found in quote one. A boundary set to serve yourself? Him? Both of you?

Wise decision. Notice what I didn't copy into the quote.

A feeling understood by the way of similar experience.

Yes, you are thinking right that volunteer consumption of alcohol is always his choice.

My best suggestion: leave him and pray for him.

I know that if I knew what I knew today had the maturity that I had today I would leave a "boyfriend." (even if I was pregnant)

my experience: I married my "boyfriend" because at 19 I found myself pregnant with his child the week I decided to break-up with him. I was about to leave this boyfriend because I decided what I saw with him would most likely be a path of progressive alcoholism and this is not a life or future I wanted for myself with a partner. At the mature age of 19 I did what I 'thought' was right because I was pregnant , I stayed and married him 3 weeks later.( He was 24, wanted to marry me and make sure the pregnancy was covered by his job's insurance, we were married by my 5th week of pregnancy.) I settled for what I saw as ," I made my bed and now I have to lay in it." Then I hoped for the best and gave my best.

Our 21 year old daughter is a beautiful woman all around. She was a gift, our joy. She married her highschool love at 19. Her and her husband both have college scholarships for their sports, her swimming-him tennis, they both head coach for their sports during summer break, and run their own summer tennis program outside these jobs that her husband entrepreneured . They both walk with the Lord. They both serve in the community when it is possible to set time aside.

3 sons, our gifts and joy followed, imperfect teenagers at present, but they have hearts of character, exemplified by overall behavior.

There obviously were some great years, some with less or little stress from his drinking, a few actually with no stress. Over all most were with more stress then meant for marriage union of a husband and wife and their family, the stresses centered around living with an alcohol abuser.

All 4 ( and in-law son) children want divorce for me and them. They feel sorry for their dad but know that such is the fair consequences to his choices.

We are presently going through divorce process now. I am trying to be patient for it to come to an end. I am beyond ready. But I must wait on the availability of others and times it takes for the process.

I hope you choose what you have control over today, your future in not remaining with a boyfriend who is abusing alcohol. I don't want you to have to wait on what you can't control tomorrow because you remained with alcohol abuse.


* I cried during the writing of this post.


My pleasure. One of the reasons I am on SR is that I can be available to serve someone like you with what I know in hind sight. I hope listening and reading my rant helps.

What you do with this communities accumulated hind sight is yours to decide of course. :-) I have appreciated it during my process.

love tammy
proverbs 20:5

sandrawg

**{Tammy}}

Sorry you're going through this divorce right now, but I think you will be amazed at what the human spirit can survive and emerge stronger from.

eimaj

Thank you all for the experiences. It gets hard trying to figure out what is right for me when I feel like I can't talk to my family or his family about the issues.

This may seem off-topic, but somehow I don't think it's a coincidence that both he and I are together when we both have self esteem issues. Do you guys also notice/have noticed this in your relationships or past relationships with alcoholics?

My next question is about the more immediate future. I had planned to go visit relatives who live far away from me and so I had made plane reservations for tomorrow. I feel like I really want to go to escape this situation, but I also feel like I'm going to need to put it off to show I'm firm with him when I say I don't want to be with him if he's going to drink like this. When I asked him if he wanted me to cancel the trip, he said he didn't care either way. Again, this question may seem obvious to all of you, but it isn't to me...

I'm sorry to those of you who also have or are having sad stories to tell. Thank you again to all of you for all of your insight. Having people out there like you to hear your problems is something I am very thankful for.

MeHandle

It is amazing what can happen in a life's moment, how many lives can be affected and how many peoples lives the evil one want's to destroy.

I can barely believe what has been revealed since the writing of my above response post. Again, a 180 degree turn that brings me to my knees.

At this moment I feel like a Job.

I won't be here for awhile, and I will take all the prayers I can get for the protection of my family and the power of God to carry us through.

Sandrawg, I have lived a life of being amazed of what the human spirit can survive with God. It is the thread that knit my life together, it was the heart of my above response. However, wisdom is found in making the hardest choices upfront instead of on the back end. God doesn't say we have to take the long path to learn/receive wisdom. It just happens to be how us human's choose to do it and with the added imbalance of patterns of abuse or sickness the path can get even longer. Sometimes we don't have a choice, we are offered up to show the power of the human spirit that serves God.

eimaj, please reread all the post we wrote again to answer your new question. A wise sister or brother here may be able to meet you exactly where you are at and will add something more that can help you. You can add to mine that one can be humbled in a matter of minutes when speaking of their children, the lives we have no control over can bring drastic change that have negative affects.

However, I have this hope, always. Whatever the road and however we ended up on it, God works out all things to the good of those who trust him.

I will be more then thankful for all prayers in Jesus name.

In need,
tammy

GiveLove

Not off-topic at all.

For the first 35 years of my life, I was only attracted to people who had some kind of damage. It wasn't on purpose -- it was visceral. I thought it was "fate" or "destiny" What it WAS, in actuality, was my own damaged inner self trying to connect with someone else who would understand my pain, commiserate with me, protect me. I felt comfortable with people who had low self-worth, because I craved someone who understood that part of me....accepted me.

It wasn't until the last ten years or so that I started being comfortable with people who were just, well, normal. They had their moments, for sure, but their lives seemed free of the everyday drama and chaos that I'd lived with (because I'd sought it out).

For me, it was because I'm the child of alcoholics. For others, it may be some other reason. But I don't think it's uncommon, eimaj.

Glad you're here with us!! There is a lot of help, wisdom, and friendship here.