HP shoved me!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
HP shoved me!
So I get a call from ABF on Friday at the end of the work day. He tells me he has been laid off from his job. Downsizing.
You may recall that our housing is provided by his employer.
Needless to say I was speechless. Not a common occurrance for chatty Cathy like me.
I've been working my buns off to get my income high enough to support myself and my zoo of animals with the thought that I could leave him here and move on.
It would seem HP has decided I've waited long enough. See what happens when you stand at the water's edge dipping your toe in for too long. Eventually, someone comes along and shoves you in. UGH...SPLASH!
At first, as anyone would be, ABF was in shock. He was resolved that he would have to put his nose to the grindstone to get a new job. Didn't want me to be worried, blah blah.
True to form, I started pulling job listings for him and looking for places to live....he got drunk and came home five hours later. Nice.
Finally the ugly conversation that I had dreaded having and questioned how to accomplish (If I had to even do it at all) has begun. He's getting the jist that I'm looking at this as a make it or break it opportunity. Nothing changes if nothing changes, and don't think they count just a change in zip code.
I've stood my ground with him...no job...no cohabitation. No promises of finding work when we get there. Been there done that. He didn't.
All day he seemed to understand and want to really work at us staying together, get a job, a nice place, etc, but by evening, he had a six pack of attitude and things started becoming my fault. I was able to diffuse the issue and he agreed to discuss things more tomorrow.
Not only have I been given a shove by HP but it's a shove into a rapidly moving current. I am on a very fast track here and my head is really spinning.
I made the decision to stop trying to swim back upstream and I started making plans for me. I'll be activating my bailout plans (long ago plotted out with friends).
I'm trying to stay calm, keep focusing on the next right decision, and not let my fear of the unknown make me crazy.
BUT...
I'm terrified!!
Any encouragement, or support, or bright ideas would be a blessing.
Alice
You may recall that our housing is provided by his employer.
Needless to say I was speechless. Not a common occurrance for chatty Cathy like me.
I've been working my buns off to get my income high enough to support myself and my zoo of animals with the thought that I could leave him here and move on.
It would seem HP has decided I've waited long enough. See what happens when you stand at the water's edge dipping your toe in for too long. Eventually, someone comes along and shoves you in. UGH...SPLASH!
At first, as anyone would be, ABF was in shock. He was resolved that he would have to put his nose to the grindstone to get a new job. Didn't want me to be worried, blah blah.
True to form, I started pulling job listings for him and looking for places to live....he got drunk and came home five hours later. Nice.
Finally the ugly conversation that I had dreaded having and questioned how to accomplish (If I had to even do it at all) has begun. He's getting the jist that I'm looking at this as a make it or break it opportunity. Nothing changes if nothing changes, and don't think they count just a change in zip code.
I've stood my ground with him...no job...no cohabitation. No promises of finding work when we get there. Been there done that. He didn't.
All day he seemed to understand and want to really work at us staying together, get a job, a nice place, etc, but by evening, he had a six pack of attitude and things started becoming my fault. I was able to diffuse the issue and he agreed to discuss things more tomorrow.
Not only have I been given a shove by HP but it's a shove into a rapidly moving current. I am on a very fast track here and my head is really spinning.
I made the decision to stop trying to swim back upstream and I started making plans for me. I'll be activating my bailout plans (long ago plotted out with friends).
I'm trying to stay calm, keep focusing on the next right decision, and not let my fear of the unknown make me crazy.
BUT...
I'm terrified!!
Any encouragement, or support, or bright ideas would be a blessing.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
alice-
surrender the problem to your HP...
it seems like an opportunity, actually. i found it almost tragically funny the reaction each of you had...you started looking for his job and he got a six pack...
it might be a good opportunity to get your own place, as you'll have to move anyway...
good luck, whatever you decide.
naive
surrender the problem to your HP...
it seems like an opportunity, actually. i found it almost tragically funny the reaction each of you had...you started looking for his job and he got a six pack...
it might be a good opportunity to get your own place, as you'll have to move anyway...
good luck, whatever you decide.
naive
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Alice, you can do this!
The unknown is terrifying - I try and focus on one day at a time (some times one hour at a time) and not look too hard at the future - it just makes me crazy. Easier said than done sometimes but I can usually find things to distract me. Keeping busy helps - so stop the job hunting and start the house hunting!
The unknown is terrifying - I try and focus on one day at a time (some times one hour at a time) and not look too hard at the future - it just makes me crazy. Easier said than done sometimes but I can usually find things to distract me. Keeping busy helps - so stop the job hunting and start the house hunting!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Alice,
HP shoved me when in the course of one week, I learned that I was developing irreversible stress-related illnesses AND my XABF was drinking, drugging, and propositioning teenaged boys on the internet. Among other things. I had no idea what I was going to do.
If I were there, the first thing I'd ask you to do is set aside some time several times a day to just breathe. Deep breath - a count of four inhaling, hold it for two, release it for seven. Every hour on the hour, if you can swing it.
Then I'd start doing the math again of living on your own with your creatures. There are endless off-the-beaten track ways of making that work. I escaped one boyfriend when I drove by a beaten-up little white house with a yard where no one ever seemed to be. I offered to fix it up if the landlord would let me and my dogs live there for $500.00/month, and he was glad to have a tenant without having to do a lot of work. There ARE situations like this around, so don't lose hope....just keep your eyes wide open to the images that your HP is trying to send you.
You can do this. You are a strong, brilliant woman with a vision of how you want your life to be. Let yourself be scared for a few minutes a day, but with the rest of the time, try to stay focused on your personal vision of freedom and serenity, and how to get there.
Sending you hugs and strength --
HP shoved me when in the course of one week, I learned that I was developing irreversible stress-related illnesses AND my XABF was drinking, drugging, and propositioning teenaged boys on the internet. Among other things. I had no idea what I was going to do.
If I were there, the first thing I'd ask you to do is set aside some time several times a day to just breathe. Deep breath - a count of four inhaling, hold it for two, release it for seven. Every hour on the hour, if you can swing it.
Then I'd start doing the math again of living on your own with your creatures. There are endless off-the-beaten track ways of making that work. I escaped one boyfriend when I drove by a beaten-up little white house with a yard where no one ever seemed to be. I offered to fix it up if the landlord would let me and my dogs live there for $500.00/month, and he was glad to have a tenant without having to do a lot of work. There ARE situations like this around, so don't lose hope....just keep your eyes wide open to the images that your HP is trying to send you.
You can do this. You are a strong, brilliant woman with a vision of how you want your life to be. Let yourself be scared for a few minutes a day, but with the rest of the time, try to stay focused on your personal vision of freedom and serenity, and how to get there.
Sending you hugs and strength --
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Thank you all for the words of encouragement!!
I did my usual chores this morning. It is comforting to keep as much of my regular routine going that I can.
I saw ABF on the computer this morning but so far no forward movement since yesterday.
I ran errands and came back to find he hadn't done anything but a load of laundry. Oh well.
I got him to sit down to talk more with me. I told him that I have made arragements with a friend for temporary housing if I don't find a place in time but that I have several listings I've started contacting folks about. I also have the word out with friends and found a couple "off the beaten path" spots to consider. Good progress in 40+ hrs.
I have a general idea of where I am going to end up because it's near family and friends. A good support system is going to be a blessing.
He looked stricken. He asked about why I thought we should split up. I told him that I didn't see a reason for us to stay together aside from not separating any of the pets and for sharing expenses. There hasn't been a romantic relationship between us in years. I was surprised when he did not object.
Before anything else could happen he was gone drinking in his truck for a few hours. I spent the time alone packing and washing curtains etc. I did make a point of packing our things in separate boxes with our names on them. Codependent behavior, I'm sure, but I found it easier to sort my things from his that way.
He has come home intoxicated and has started throwing random things in the trash. Says he is still trying to get past the shock. (And I'm having a ball?) I'm trying to quiet him down before he throws out my grandmother's crystal. I set him to sorting through his old books so some can go to goodwill. Deep breath in, long breath out, right?
At the end of our conversation, he expressed concern about finding a job and finding housing for himself. I told him of another job listing that might interest him that included an apartment. He looked stricken again.
We have a common enemy in the employer that laid him off to grip about and for now that is giving us unity in an otherwise adversarily time. I'm saying my prayers that it stays amicable for both our sakes. Fighting just saps energy.
Well, I've got to see what he's tossed out in case anything needs rescueing.
Thank you all again for your support, I can use all I can get right now.
Alice
I did my usual chores this morning. It is comforting to keep as much of my regular routine going that I can.
I saw ABF on the computer this morning but so far no forward movement since yesterday.
I ran errands and came back to find he hadn't done anything but a load of laundry. Oh well.
I got him to sit down to talk more with me. I told him that I have made arragements with a friend for temporary housing if I don't find a place in time but that I have several listings I've started contacting folks about. I also have the word out with friends and found a couple "off the beaten path" spots to consider. Good progress in 40+ hrs.
I have a general idea of where I am going to end up because it's near family and friends. A good support system is going to be a blessing.
He looked stricken. He asked about why I thought we should split up. I told him that I didn't see a reason for us to stay together aside from not separating any of the pets and for sharing expenses. There hasn't been a romantic relationship between us in years. I was surprised when he did not object.
Before anything else could happen he was gone drinking in his truck for a few hours. I spent the time alone packing and washing curtains etc. I did make a point of packing our things in separate boxes with our names on them. Codependent behavior, I'm sure, but I found it easier to sort my things from his that way.
He has come home intoxicated and has started throwing random things in the trash. Says he is still trying to get past the shock. (And I'm having a ball?) I'm trying to quiet him down before he throws out my grandmother's crystal. I set him to sorting through his old books so some can go to goodwill. Deep breath in, long breath out, right?
At the end of our conversation, he expressed concern about finding a job and finding housing for himself. I told him of another job listing that might interest him that included an apartment. He looked stricken again.
We have a common enemy in the employer that laid him off to grip about and for now that is giving us unity in an otherwise adversarily time. I'm saying my prayers that it stays amicable for both our sakes. Fighting just saps energy.
Well, I've got to see what he's tossed out in case anything needs rescueing.
Thank you all again for your support, I can use all I can get right now.
Alice
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
((((((alice))))) I know how hard this can be. I have been exactly where you are. You can do this. Remember, when the quacking starts, those are just words and not actions. It won't be easy at first, but it will be a whole lot better REAL soon!!!!! Keep your eye on the prize. (((())))
ETA: My HP had to shove me too
ETA: My HP had to shove me too
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice 
It would seem HP has decided I've waited long enough. See what happens when you stand at the water's edge dipping your toe in for too long. Eventually, someone comes along and shoves you in. UGH...SPLASH!
Just like you, I would dip my toe in for too long. Whenever it came to making changes in my life, big and positive changes, I would become paralyzed, and then...the shove.
I have no doubt HP has wondrous things in store for you, and you always have us here at SR to lean on.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I got some more packing underway and had a great chat with my best friend. We talked about fears of the unknown and questioned why we should be afraid in the first place because for the very reason that they are the unknown, we cannot assume they are negative things.
The unknown I fear could be something glorious!
I got some more packing underway and had a great chat with my best friend. We talked about fears of the unknown and questioned why we should be afraid in the first place because for the very reason that they are the unknown, we cannot assume they are negative things.
The unknown I fear could be something glorious!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I got some more packing underway and had a great chat with my best friend. We talked about fears of the unknown and questioned why we should be afraid in the first place because for the very reason that they are the unknown, we cannot assume they are negative things.
The unknown I fear could be something glorious!
I got some more packing underway and had a great chat with my best friend. We talked about fears of the unknown and questioned why we should be afraid in the first place because for the very reason that they are the unknown, we cannot assume they are negative things.
The unknown I fear could be something glorious!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 108
Alice *hugs*
Packing was the hardest thing for me when I left. I kept coming across things that were meaningful. Should I take this picture? Should I leave him that even though it was mine? I left so many things that were mine, just because I felt that it was my decision to leave, so I shouldn't leave him without the necessities. I left the microwave, the toaster, the Wii, among other things that were mine.
It's funny how our HP helps when we feel helpless. I got offered my place 2 weeks before I left. At first I told her I didn't want it. I wasn't ready to leave. Cheap rent, daycare fees reduced, company, close to my family. What was wrong with me? Then she said she was going to rent it to someone else if I didn't take it. I felt I had to make a decision and I did. I decided to take it. If it hadn't been for her offering me one last time, I wouldn't be where I am. I give thanks to my HP for all of this. HP knew what was right for me, but that I just needed a little push. I feel he knew you needed it too.
Good luck to you and keep letting us know how it goes.
Packing was the hardest thing for me when I left. I kept coming across things that were meaningful. Should I take this picture? Should I leave him that even though it was mine? I left so many things that were mine, just because I felt that it was my decision to leave, so I shouldn't leave him without the necessities. I left the microwave, the toaster, the Wii, among other things that were mine.
It's funny how our HP helps when we feel helpless. I got offered my place 2 weeks before I left. At first I told her I didn't want it. I wasn't ready to leave. Cheap rent, daycare fees reduced, company, close to my family. What was wrong with me? Then she said she was going to rent it to someone else if I didn't take it. I felt I had to make a decision and I did. I decided to take it. If it hadn't been for her offering me one last time, I wouldn't be where I am. I give thanks to my HP for all of this. HP knew what was right for me, but that I just needed a little push. I feel he knew you needed it too.
Good luck to you and keep letting us know how it goes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Thanks luciddreamrgirl!
I was packing at every opportunity today. I find I start packing and I can't stop putting things in boxes.
The only thing that seems to take me out of the pack, pack, pack mode is when I see something that belongs to ABF. I have labeled all the boxes with his name or mine (he has so few boxes in comparison), and I realize just how few things are going into his boxes. Then I start to feel badly about separating our belongings, which means separating us.
I'm actually thankful that my time for this is so short. I just don't have any time to agonize over things. I have had little opportunity to analyze things which is my way. I am an "paralysis by analysis" kind of girl.
Thank you for reminding me that HP has the master plan. I have to have faith this is how is needs to be. Thanks also for reminding me that I'm not alone in wanting to give away some of my things to him possibly out of guilt.
Alice
I was packing at every opportunity today. I find I start packing and I can't stop putting things in boxes.
The only thing that seems to take me out of the pack, pack, pack mode is when I see something that belongs to ABF. I have labeled all the boxes with his name or mine (he has so few boxes in comparison), and I realize just how few things are going into his boxes. Then I start to feel badly about separating our belongings, which means separating us.
I'm actually thankful that my time for this is so short. I just don't have any time to agonize over things. I have had little opportunity to analyze things which is my way. I am an "paralysis by analysis" kind of girl.
Thank you for reminding me that HP has the master plan. I have to have faith this is how is needs to be. Thanks also for reminding me that I'm not alone in wanting to give away some of my things to him possibly out of guilt.
Alice
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