Still in that dark place
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Westland, Pennsylvania
Posts: 247
Still in that dark place
Here it is almost 8 months my son has been dead. I thought I was getting better not thinking of him every minute of my wakeing hours. My husband and I were invited to a wedding of one of his clildhood friends. Even when they were grown they kept in touch. We got to the church and a lot of Jason's friends were their allways asking how we are doing. I just say it is hard. Wedding went good. We went into reciption hall and I cried the whole time I was their.I could see Jason having fun with his friend joking around with everyone. My husband was hungry so I said after he ate we were leaving. As soon as he saw my crying he ask if I wanted to leave I said no I would wait a little. I didn't want anyone seeing me but they did and came over to me to confort me, this day was not about me it was about Jason's friend getting married. I have not overcome my grief yet and I never will. I just don't want to cry when I have to go somewhere. So for all of you dealing with addiction of a loved one anything has to be better than them being dead.
Thanks All for letting me vent yet again.
Maggiemac
Thanks All for letting me vent yet again.
Maggiemac
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((Maggie)))))
I found that grief had a way of socking me hard and taking my breath away just out of the blue. Many times it was situations where other young adults where involved - friends of my daughter's or hobbies she shared or even just catching the hint of a smell I associate with her.
Time takes time...Please be gentle with yourself and don't beat yourself up for crying in public. I understand that too. The first social occassion I went to after my daughter died, I felt as if everyone was watching me and I ended up running out and hiding in the car, crying. But as difficult as that was, it seemed to make the next time a little bit easier.
It is scary sometimes...not a day goes by where my daughter is not in my thoughts, but now most days I don't cry. I get nervous though about trigger days...The 14th is the anniversary of her death and I just want it to be over...I am always afraid I will just fall apart. I know it is so hard on her dad and her sister too and my heart breaks for them.
You are in my thoughts and prayers...No parent should ever have to loose her beloved child. I wish there were words I could say that would comfort. Just know I care and I wish your pain would ease.
I found that grief had a way of socking me hard and taking my breath away just out of the blue. Many times it was situations where other young adults where involved - friends of my daughter's or hobbies she shared or even just catching the hint of a smell I associate with her.
Time takes time...Please be gentle with yourself and don't beat yourself up for crying in public. I understand that too. The first social occassion I went to after my daughter died, I felt as if everyone was watching me and I ended up running out and hiding in the car, crying. But as difficult as that was, it seemed to make the next time a little bit easier.
It is scary sometimes...not a day goes by where my daughter is not in my thoughts, but now most days I don't cry. I get nervous though about trigger days...The 14th is the anniversary of her death and I just want it to be over...I am always afraid I will just fall apart. I know it is so hard on her dad and her sister too and my heart breaks for them.
You are in my thoughts and prayers...No parent should ever have to loose her beloved child. I wish there were words I could say that would comfort. Just know I care and I wish your pain would ease.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Maggie, I have no clue about the pain you will live with the rest of your life but I am sure as the months pass it may become easier for you to see your sons friends and remember the good in him and the memories they share of him. That had to be hard...Smiles, Bonnie
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Missouri
Posts: 80
((((Maggie))))
It will be 6 months on the 30th of this month since my brother died, I think of him all the time, sometimes I sit and look at my door, my brother had a big boisturous (sp) voice, he would just walk in my house and say in that big ole voice what the hell ya doing?
My mom just lost her sister, I said Mom do you think she will tell him when she gets there how much we love him, how much we miss him.
I cry allot still, I want so badly to see him, I feel such a loss, there is no one that can ever take his place. My brothers best friend moved after he died and he just came back to town, when I saw him I just ran to him and cried, I am so happy he has come home.
I tend to ramble but I just want you to know you are not alone, I know that I will never feel the same, I have a 15 year old son, and a wonderful hubby and family, I think they are what keep me moving on, I visit my brother's grave and I talk to him all the time.
Everyone tells me it takes time, I believe this to be true, I will be thinking of you and praying for you, try to somehow think of him, he would not want you to be sad all the time, but I believe we all heal in our own ways and our own time.
One more thing, I always say I would do it all again to have him back, but my brother for the first time in about 35 years is at peace, he fought that addiction for all of his adult life, he begged for my dads love all his life, which he never got, in and out of prison, hating himself for hurting his family , his kids. Now he doesnt have to feel anymore pain, he is with God in a awesome place, with all of our family and friends who went before him. As much as I miss him and would give just about anything to have him say I love you sis, someday I will hear him say it again, you to will hear your son say it again.
I am so sorry for your pain, I didnt mean to go off on me, it just came pouring out!!!
hugs and love,
sisterofD
It will be 6 months on the 30th of this month since my brother died, I think of him all the time, sometimes I sit and look at my door, my brother had a big boisturous (sp) voice, he would just walk in my house and say in that big ole voice what the hell ya doing?
My mom just lost her sister, I said Mom do you think she will tell him when she gets there how much we love him, how much we miss him.
I cry allot still, I want so badly to see him, I feel such a loss, there is no one that can ever take his place. My brothers best friend moved after he died and he just came back to town, when I saw him I just ran to him and cried, I am so happy he has come home.
I tend to ramble but I just want you to know you are not alone, I know that I will never feel the same, I have a 15 year old son, and a wonderful hubby and family, I think they are what keep me moving on, I visit my brother's grave and I talk to him all the time.
Everyone tells me it takes time, I believe this to be true, I will be thinking of you and praying for you, try to somehow think of him, he would not want you to be sad all the time, but I believe we all heal in our own ways and our own time.
One more thing, I always say I would do it all again to have him back, but my brother for the first time in about 35 years is at peace, he fought that addiction for all of his adult life, he begged for my dads love all his life, which he never got, in and out of prison, hating himself for hurting his family , his kids. Now he doesnt have to feel anymore pain, he is with God in a awesome place, with all of our family and friends who went before him. As much as I miss him and would give just about anything to have him say I love you sis, someday I will hear him say it again, you to will hear your son say it again.
I am so sorry for your pain, I didnt mean to go off on me, it just came pouring out!!!
hugs and love,
sisterofD
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: CA
Posts: 32
I know how you are feeling. It will be 15 months on Wed since my son died from a heroin OD. Just today i started crying again. A couple of weeks ago his first ever girl friend called me on his b-day just to let me know she was thinking of him and asking how I was doing. I was so touched by her phone call. I got emotional thinking that someone else was remembering Ryan also.
Although I would love to have him back, I would want him back the way he used to be years ago and not the way he was on drugs. I know God loved him too much to leave him suffering as a drug addict. But I do miss him terribly and I know my life has changed forever.
Although I would love to have him back, I would want him back the way he used to be years ago and not the way he was on drugs. I know God loved him too much to leave him suffering as a drug addict. But I do miss him terribly and I know my life has changed forever.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Big huge hugs to all those here who have lost loved ones to the horrible disease of addiction. 
I cannot imagine the pain you feel, but my prayers go out for each of you.
Maggie, it will become less hard as time goes by, but in the meantime know that it's okay to cry, people understand and can comfort you.
Hugs
I cannot imagine the pain you feel, but my prayers go out for each of you.
Maggie, it will become less hard as time goes by, but in the meantime know that it's okay to cry, people understand and can comfort you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: columbia maryland
Posts: 13
My mother's (sister's) heart just breaks for all of you. I feel like on any particular day I could join you in that dark place and no matter how many times you try to "prelive" it, I'm quite certain there is no preparing for the reality. Is there any advice you all can give about what you think you might have done differently that would have actually made a difference? I have always felt that my bottom line with my son was trying to keep him alive no matter what else was going on but I realize that it is really out of my hands.
I always think about that Carrol O'Conner ad from way back when he says get between your kids and drugs no matter what it takes. It can't really be done though can it no matter how hard you try? We are just unwilling passengers on a runaway train it seems like most days.
My prayers that your pains will ease and peace will fill your hearts and you will be reunited in perfection with your lost ones when it is your turn to put down your burden of life.
I always think about that Carrol O'Conner ad from way back when he says get between your kids and drugs no matter what it takes. It can't really be done though can it no matter how hard you try? We are just unwilling passengers on a runaway train it seems like most days.
My prayers that your pains will ease and peace will fill your hearts and you will be reunited in perfection with your lost ones when it is your turn to put down your burden of life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
Your words brought tears to my eyes...
I wish there were words to ease your pain....(I keep deleting each phrase I write because all are inadequate )
You are in my prayers...I'm heading off to church soon....Please know Jason will be remembered
I wish there were words to ease your pain....(I keep deleting each phrase I write because all are inadequate )
You are in my prayers...I'm heading off to church soon....Please know Jason will be remembered
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Maggie i cannot possibly understand your pain and hope i never have tp. But i was also at a wedding this weekend. My neice got married. Inside the reception hall they had set up a photo section mostly dedicated to her siblings and cousins. We had a tradition where every year the cousins would all take a photo together so you can see them growing up together - there were five of them in most of the photos and then when my daughter was born it went up to six. As i looked at the photos i held back the tears because with these six children one was deceased (by an accident) and my own son is in jail. These six children so young and full of hope in all those photos yet only four were at the wedding.
So even though I cant understand the depths of your pain i do understand how it feels to be at a celebration that you wish you were sharing with your son and him not being there. These are the times that we live for but somehow that emptiness comes in because someone is missing. There is a part of me that felt that it wasnt fair to be happy when my son was sitting in a jail cell but i knew that he was where he was because of his choices not mine and so i did enjoy it - even if i did have to slip away a few times to shed a tear. I know that this was also hard for my brother's family to not have one of their family there - someone they just always assumed would be at their wedding but who was not by no fault of her own.
We missed them both that day but still found the joy in the wedding. Right now i'm shedding tears for you because i had 1/100th of the feeling you must have had at your wedding and i cannot bear how hard it would have been had I been in your shoes. but i am proud of you for going and for making it as long as you could. You will never forget him or the pain but it will get easier. Please try to focus on the good times and the good things your son was and not his death.
So even though I cant understand the depths of your pain i do understand how it feels to be at a celebration that you wish you were sharing with your son and him not being there. These are the times that we live for but somehow that emptiness comes in because someone is missing. There is a part of me that felt that it wasnt fair to be happy when my son was sitting in a jail cell but i knew that he was where he was because of his choices not mine and so i did enjoy it - even if i did have to slip away a few times to shed a tear. I know that this was also hard for my brother's family to not have one of their family there - someone they just always assumed would be at their wedding but who was not by no fault of her own.
We missed them both that day but still found the joy in the wedding. Right now i'm shedding tears for you because i had 1/100th of the feeling you must have had at your wedding and i cannot bear how hard it would have been had I been in your shoes. but i am proud of you for going and for making it as long as you could. You will never forget him or the pain but it will get easier. Please try to focus on the good times and the good things your son was and not his death.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Antioch, Ca.
Posts: 158
Maggie,:sorry
You have never been far from my thoughts. I was hoping your summer was eventful.
Each and everyone of us, would be just like you had we lost our own. And thank you for re-inforcing that anything is better than what you are facing right now. My thoughts and prayers are with you:praying
You have never been far from my thoughts. I was hoping your summer was eventful.
Each and everyone of us, would be just like you had we lost our own. And thank you for re-inforcing that anything is better than what you are facing right now. My thoughts and prayers are with you:praying
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i have no idea how hard this is for you. i know it has got to b terrible. i do know your son was a child of God & he is in a better place than the suffering he was in. my prayers are for you & all the parents that have lost there children to this terrible disease.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((Maggie))) (((all who have lost a loved one))
Someone told me once that during grief there are a certain number of tears that need to be shed. We do some of that during those first days, then again on the anniversaries, and special occassions... and sometimes, just out of the blue.
Each tear brings a bit more release which can, after time, feel like comfort and each time of tears is further and further apart. Grief, like most things, is not an event, but a process. Thank you for the reminder that those of us stilling mired in the pain of addiction DO have something for which we can be grateful.
(((Hugs)))))
Someone told me once that during grief there are a certain number of tears that need to be shed. We do some of that during those first days, then again on the anniversaries, and special occassions... and sometimes, just out of the blue.
Each tear brings a bit more release which can, after time, feel like comfort and each time of tears is further and further apart. Grief, like most things, is not an event, but a process. Thank you for the reminder that those of us stilling mired in the pain of addiction DO have something for which we can be grateful.
(((Hugs)))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Maggie, I will always understand your grief. I like you, am the mother of my one and only son. I refused to let him be an addict. I physically ripped him out of drug dens. I couldn't stand the thought of him being an addict. The bottom line is, even though I never gave up on him. And I gave him the toughest of tough love, the truth is that it wasn't up to me, and I couldn't save him. It was up to him. Do not blame yourself in anyway. There wasn't really anything you could do. You tried with him, and I know it. Jason was an adult. Just like my son is. I couldn't do a thing to stop him from using. I tried.
Jason is part of God's plan, and God called him for a reason. There is nothing anyone can say or do, to take you from that dark place. You have experienced the ultimate in heart break and sorrow. Losing your only child, is the worst pain in life. No mother should have to bear that kind of sorrow. Especially you Maggie. Your a wonderful mom, and Jason knows it too. I do know that in time your pain will be easier to deal with. I have spoken to many mothers who have lost children. It takes time Maggie. The first 2 years are very rough. For now, it's an open wound. You need to grieve, and cry. It's only normal. We are all here for you. You can count on us to help you get through this dark and painful time in your life. Just remember, Jason had a heart of gold, and he loved you so much. I know he did. I can see it in his eyes when I look at his pictures, and I know the kind of mom you are. Jason wouldn't want you to suffer and be in pain. Try to take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. Do it for Jason. It's what he would want for you. I pray for you every day. And I know you pray for Joseph and I. Jason wants you to be happy.
But, grieve if you must, and don't worry about what everyone else is thinking. Everyone understands your loss, and expects nothing less from you. My heart breaks for you Maggie. I am praying that GOD lifts this sorrow from your shoulders, and puts his healing hands on you.
Jason is part of God's plan, and God called him for a reason. There is nothing anyone can say or do, to take you from that dark place. You have experienced the ultimate in heart break and sorrow. Losing your only child, is the worst pain in life. No mother should have to bear that kind of sorrow. Especially you Maggie. Your a wonderful mom, and Jason knows it too. I do know that in time your pain will be easier to deal with. I have spoken to many mothers who have lost children. It takes time Maggie. The first 2 years are very rough. For now, it's an open wound. You need to grieve, and cry. It's only normal. We are all here for you. You can count on us to help you get through this dark and painful time in your life. Just remember, Jason had a heart of gold, and he loved you so much. I know he did. I can see it in his eyes when I look at his pictures, and I know the kind of mom you are. Jason wouldn't want you to suffer and be in pain. Try to take care of yourself. Be good to yourself. Do it for Jason. It's what he would want for you. I pray for you every day. And I know you pray for Joseph and I. Jason wants you to be happy.
But, grieve if you must, and don't worry about what everyone else is thinking. Everyone understands your loss, and expects nothing less from you. My heart breaks for you Maggie. I am praying that GOD lifts this sorrow from your shoulders, and puts his healing hands on you.
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