It wasn't as hard as I had imagined - "leaving"

Old 07-11-2009, 06:43 PM
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It wasn't as hard as I had imagined - "leaving"

Had some "thinking time" today while I was out picking raspberries. I do a lot of thinking when I'm busy with activities like this, and by myself. Being married to my XAH for 27+ years, I have lots of memories, and he came to mind in the raspberry patch - I suppose as he use to help pick them sometimes.

It occurred to me that all the worry I had done about "leaving the marriage, how I was going to make it, raise my kids, and keep the household together" wasn't as hard as I had imagined it would be. I worried about how my kids would feel without their dad around on a daily basis, how the holidays would be around home without him in the picture.. thinking about the times that he was OK, I tend to remember the good. In the back of my mind, I remember the bad very well, and at times it creeps into my nightmares.

I am still working my way though my own codependent issues obviously - or I wouldn't be reading and posting on this site. But all in all, I feel pretty happy about my situation. The final decision was the right one, and it wasn't nearly as difficult as I thought it would be. I had to have lots of time up front of "NO CONTACT" to make it work and I knew that from past breakups that in order for me to stand firm "NO MORE CHANCES", it had to be that way.

I've seen my X a few times, (not intentionally) and am happy to say that I have felt NOTHING! No feelings for him at all. I was amazed at that... after spending 27 years with someone, how I could feel nothing!

So, for those of you that are struggling with the same worries - I say: It's not as hard as you have imagined it. There IS life after living with an alcoholic. I'm discovering each day, just how great it is to be free of those burdens!
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Old 07-11-2009, 07:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Trying2survive View Post
I was amazed at that... after spending 27 years with someone, how I could feel nothing!
22 years for me and the same. I look at him and think he's a stranger. He really is a stranger because I have changed so much I'm not looking at him through the same lens. Not that I'm so evolved....I just have no interest in keeping the drama alive, and there is no him without the drama.

My life, after 7 short weeks of living apart from him, is starting to find balance. It is easier than I ever would have dreamed of as well. And you're right about the no contact. I thought I HAD to have contact because we have 4 kids. What I have discovered is that when that contact wasn't initiated by me he became very frustrated and for a while tried to get me hooked. When I refused to respond other than the bare minimum with no emotion, just the facts, he lost interest. It's been 4 days now of absolutely no contact...no voice mails, no texts, no surprise visits. Sadly, he has no interest in seeing his kids (3 of the 4 anyway) unless I initiate it. But I have stopped that too. His choices, his consequences. And he's losing out on some pretty precious time with some of the most fantasic kids I have ever known.
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Old 07-11-2009, 07:09 PM
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Thank you for sharing your story. It really helped me, and I am happy to say that besides the financial worries, I am making so much progress and am excited about the many choices I have to live out the rest of my life without the burden of dragging someone through life. Blessings for posting this, the intention of helping others see a light at the end of the tunnel did not go unnoticed!
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Old 07-11-2009, 08:03 PM
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I had the same feeling when I made the final decision to leave my ex. For me, like for so many others, I completely lost myself and my health in the end, so when I decided to live and let go of him I thought it was going to be worse and more dreadful than hanging on to him. What surprised me is that I became a completely different person. I began to eat again and started to feel hopeful about what was in front of me. It's like someone took the black rain cloud and put it somewhere else and I got the sunshine!

It's so hard to see when you're in it! I don't regret my choices because I am in an amazing place now, but I wish I would have heard when someone told me life was going to be better without him so long ago. LaTeeDa posted something wonderful about "The Bridge" I think it was called. It kept me going during the last final break. I crossed a bridge to a better life although he wanted to stay on the opposite side. It feels good to know that I made the right decision for myself.

Thanks for your post!
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Old 07-11-2009, 08:08 PM
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Your post made me think back a bit

Before my relationship with my AH I was in a relationship with my older dd father. He was an Addict (I don't think I knew it at the time though, really). I was a lot younger and things were very black and white for me. He was choosing partying, etc over us. I simply told him one morning I will give you one last chance. These are the things I need to see _____, _____,_____. With in 24 hours he had blown us off and gone out to feed his addictions. When he came home that morning @ 6AM, I simply said. That was your last chance. He asked for another. I replied, "I cannot live my life on one more chances". I never looked back or quesioned it. I knew I was doing right by myself and my child.

Fast fwd. to my relationship with my AH. I had a very, very hard time leaving. I was essentially LIVING in "one more chance" land. I already knew how tough if was to be a single mom. I had done it for 5-6 years before I met him. I was tired. I now had 3 kids. I wanted to leave him when I was pg. with the 3rd. It took me till the baby was 20 months old to actually do it. And you know what IT IS WAY BETTER THAN I THOUGHT. Not having a front row seat to the chaos is wonderful. Is it more work??? yes. But some how thing don't feel so hard. I think b/c I am focusing on the kids and myself. The negativity, guilt, and drama aren't there anymore. So it frees up a lot of my energy and mind space.

As far as having enough money, etc. I have been turning it over to my HP (God) and he has been providing me exactly what I need. It is truely amazing.

Thanks for your post and making me think

Last edited by Daisy30; 07-11-2009 at 08:27 PM.
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Old 07-11-2009, 08:50 PM
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Daisy......your post reminded me. Things are easier, and it seems so opposite of what I expected. STBXAH got really ticked off that he would come over after he moved out and the house was clean. When he was here I couldn't get a darn thing done. Now, being a single parent of 4, I manage to get up and make my bed every morning (something I never did), keep the house picked up, dishes done, laundry caught up, bills paid, meals planned weekly with grocery shopping according to the ads to save money, yard mowed and weeded, and on and on......no wonder he's a little miffed.

When I look at all I am doing now I should be exhausted. I have more energy than ever. I know I was depressed, and who wouldn't be. Now I have moments of sadness, anger, hurt. I feel those feelings instead of stuffing them and move on to the next task at hand. As painful as it was to leave, for me it's been a fraction of the pain I felt staying.
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Old 07-12-2009, 01:53 AM
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Well said! Same with my ex.

I'm realizing that, 1 week after our break-up. I think about how I felt kicked in the gut when he was willing to let me go just so he could go to the bar on July 4th, and it felt just like the time he said he wouldn't quit coke to save our relationship the FIRST time I broke up with him, and another time when he said he had to "run with the pack", and broke up with me.

Now that we're broken up FOR GOOD, I'm so glad I am never letting myself end up in a situation where I'll feel that way again.

Originally Posted by blessed4x View Post
I just have no interest in keeping the drama alive, and there is no him without the drama.
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Old 07-12-2009, 01:57 AM
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The pain of using must be worse than the pain of being clean for the addict to recover.

For us codies, the pain of staying must outweigh the pain of leaving, and if we look at our situation rationally, without the denial and all of that, I think everyone would realize how much easier it is to go.

I haven't met anyone so far, either in my personal life or in AA, who said that their life AFTER living with the alcoholic was WORSE than their struggles with him/her before they left. In fact, they talk about how much better it is! You only have to take care of ONE person as opposed to TWO, and that's just one reason why.

Originally Posted by blessed4x View Post
When I look at all I am doing now I should be exhausted. I have more energy than ever. I know I was depressed, and who wouldn't be. Now I have moments of sadness, anger, hurt. I feel those feelings instead of stuffing them and move on to the next task at hand. As painful as it was to leave, for me it's been a fraction of the pain I felt staying.
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Old 07-12-2009, 12:19 PM
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You're right. It's not as hard as we think. It's only as hard as we make it.
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Old 07-13-2009, 02:29 AM
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Humans can always construct way worse scenarios in their heads due to fear, than what could ever possibly happen.

I went through the whole "I won't find anyone else who loves me" fear with my exabf. Well, how on earth could I even say that he TRULY loves me? He can't love himself, and he sure seems to love his "mind eraser" cocktails a lot more.
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Old 07-13-2009, 10:31 AM
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This thread is helping me so much and is so timely. Fear has left me stuck for years, but I think the fear of staying is finally now worse than the fear of leaving. I keep giving "one more chance." I'm always back to the verbally abusive situation with AH and fear of when the next shoe will drop. It has been waaay worse as time goes on. My AH is a severe/chronic A. Besides the fear of verbal fights, I'm in constant fear of him hurting himself (for good reason) because of two knee injuries, two broken legs, broken foot, weeks of inability to walk, bumps on the head, scabs on the knee, etc. Last night was more injuries, scabs and scratches on the knees. Well, this time he can kiss his own owies....I kicked him out of the house and meant it. Funny, I didn't even shed a tear while he call me a fat ***** etc. Instead, I thought about coming home to a peaceful place after he leaves. I'm willing to take the financial consequences if he's gone because I see the results of his impulsive financial consequences if he stays. Divorce doesn't seem like such a dirty word or such a failure anymore because HE had the chance to make our marriage a success but chose alcohol instead. Thanks again.
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Old 07-13-2009, 01:28 PM
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Thanks so much for this thread.

I don't even know where to start. I have been afraid of being the one to go. I remember the pleading... the promises.... the quacking that went on last time and I don't want to face it. The truth is that I face the rollercoaster on a daily basis. Yes its better this week after the melt down, but for how long? That is the peace you all have, no more rollercoaster.

I keep taking little steps forward.... but I still have the fear. Of what?
The paper work?, the renewed pleading and promises?, Am I living on one more chance?.... Cr@p!!! I am.

This is sick but, I keep telling myself ,"The next time he does Blah Blah Blah I will leave." but I haven't been able to do it yet. Maybe I am just stewing here, but I am very happy to read that you all are doing well. It gives me hope.
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Old 07-13-2009, 06:43 PM
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This thread was incredibly inspiring for me. Thank you for posting. If you can happily move on after 27 years of marriage, then I can move on after 2 measly years. It's so hard, but hopefully one day it will get easier.
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