sandrawg

I think one of the reasons I was pretty firm about leaving my xabf this time, is because I was remembering my sister's experience.

My sister has had 3 marriages-all to alcoholics.

I have no idea why, or what the family dynamic is there, that may have led her to keep choosing alcoholics. My parents were considerably older when they had me, so maybe they had issues when they were younger...I think my dad may have been a drinker but the word "alcoholic" was never spoken when I was around, and all I know is my parents were great-really wonderful to me. My dad never drank when I was a kid.

Anyway, my sister's first marriage was horrible. Her exh beat his kids (her stepchildren). My niece whom she gave birth to with this man was eventually molested by him. I, unfortunately, was subjected to their toxic environment as a child, when my parents would drag me to their house to visit. I remember one night, my brother-in-law slumped over on the couch, in a drunken haze. He pulled out his..ahem..and just peed all over the rug, right in front of me.

I didn't really understand what that was about, but I knew it was a bad scene.

She finally divorced him, only to end up with another alcoholic. She was with him for 15 yrs. Lots of drama... I lived far away at this point so wasn't really subjected to that madness, but I heard a lot of stories and rumors from others in the family.

That marriage ended when my sister's husband, drunk of course, pulled out a razor and tried to slit his wrists right in front of her. THe ambulance took him right to the psych ward, and he ended up in rehab. Now she's 58, obese, unhappy, unhealthy, resentful...having wasted all those years with these guys.

I remember all these toxic marriages in my family causing a lot of drama as a kid, such that I guess that kind of thing became normal.

Maybe on some level, this example served as a cautionary tale.

I love my xabf, but I'm 42. I dont have 15 years to waste on someone who won't get help. So maybe we can learn from other's experiences--I hope I can move forward a little wiser and more careful in the future.

luciddreamrgrl

Hi sandra

I don't have anything in my past to compare to that. My real father was an alcoholic but my mom divorced him while I was young and I haven't talked to him in over 10 years.

But I can say that I am always learning from the people on this board. I don't know if this sounds rude or not, but I look at some of the other situations with people who are married to alcoholics and I think, not for me! Every day gets easier and easier now that I am realizing that I made the right choice. I'm so glad you are too! I haven't been posting much but I always read the boards every day for inspiration. I've been so proud of your confidence in moving forward.

sandrawg

Thanks so much, sweetie! And I am proud of you for staying strong.

Yeah, I feel I have to get on here every day-every day, I get a little stronger with help from everyone on here, and you're right, I feel the same way-my heart goes out to the people married to alcoholics, but I also think when I read how stuck they seem to be, that I dodged a bullet.

GiveLove

So sorry to hear about your sis, sandrawg.

My sister would have suffered the same fate if she hadn't died in her 30's. She had already married three successive alcoholics, although none of them were molesters, they were all jerks. She'd started to drink herself, and then took up heroin, and it was all over. In and out of rehab, etc etc., falling deeper and deeper in debt, pawning everything for drugs, losing jobs.......and then, finally, taking her own life because she couldn't see how to escape the trap she'd set for herself.

And she wasn't a street junkie type, either. She was well-educated and a terrific person, a highly paid RN who worked in the maternity ward of a great hospital. It blew apart all of my prejudices about what an addict/alcoholic looked like. She was also a raging codependent, and I got to see what happens when you let someone else's life become more important than your own.

It had the same effect on me, but I have to tell you that it took quite a few years for it to "take' with me -- I'm delighted when people like you get it almost right away and say, "Nope, not gonna go there." Wish I'd been a little bit wiser and sought a support group sooner - it might have helped me avoid a few of those stumbling-around years.

Thanks for this - it does my heart good to see how well you're doing, in spite of the pain.

sandrawg

I'm sorry for what you went through with your sister, Givelove. There is nothing sadder than to watch someone you love destroy themselves. And everyone has the means within their power to turn their lives around-not that it's easy, but it kind of reminds me of the guy in that book/movie "Into the Wild." He died from something totally preventable--he went into the wild unprepared, and didn't have to die, because as it turns out, he really wasn't that far from civilization, he just didn't know it.

The only good thing that comes out of seeing someone suffer is the lesson those of us who are left get out of it. Maybe your sister inadvertently saved you-I think mine did.