Aysha

I kept thinking last night about how desperate it feels when I get high. How that desperation for another hit has driven me to do some really twisted and unspeakable things. Desperation is just a feeling. But as humans we often act on feelings. Thats what moves us. Right?
But we can learn not to act on feelings alone. It is hard. But is possible.
So today I was thinking. How desperate am I to stay clean? Am I as desperate to stay clean as I was to get that next hit? I like to think so.
It doesnt have that same intensity as when getting high. But it is still desperation none the less.
So I am thinking. If I take that same desperate feeling I had when using to get money and drugs. Maybe I can use that same feeling to get and stay clean.
I dont know how well that will work. But its worth a try.
All I know is that I am seriously so sick and tired of starting over. Hating myself. Feeling guilty and just doing nothing and going nowhere.
Every day I go to work cleaning hotel rooms..alot of times after some disgusting people. I think how much I hate that job. And my mind goes to ways of getting out of it. Thats where school comes in.
I live in an upper class region. Homes start at 250k around here. Most are 400k and up. Anyone in the capital district will tell you that where I live is just a whole different level of people and everything. We use to say everyone was stuck up here when I was a teenager.
But I see alot of Mercedes driving around. And nice brand new SUV's and sports cars. Even teenagers have brand new rides.
There is this one model of Benz I see alot. And I really like it. I saw a convertible one a month or so ago and it was black and chrome. It was beautiful. I just imagined myself owning one. And then to see the houses aorund here will amke anyone dream big.
I am happy tha t I have what I have. And all of it isnt material possessions. I am so grateful everyday for my grams and my family and my lil cousins. And that some how..as much **** as we have been through. We always come out a little better than ok. That is priceless.
So yea..I am very desperate to be a better person. To do something with my life. Toi have that career and house and car. But it will all start with the undieing desperation to stay clean.
And to show my grams I can do it. To make her proud. I dont care if I ever have anything else. I just want her to be proud of me.
She whispered in my ear last night after we heard her brother died. She whispered.." I love you so much. I dont ever want to lose you. Not you. "
I feel the same way. But I want her to be proud of me as well as love me unconditionally.
Anyway..I really get goin when I think out loud..I know. I am done ..Thx.

Impurrfect

(((Trish)))

It really does take what it takes. I think what Grams whispered in your ear was precious and something to hold onto forever.

I hope you are done, because I love you, my friend, and I don't want to lose you to that **** or worry about you when you're out there. I know there are good things coming for you, it just takes time.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

tommyk

I can't put a price on my recovery of over 15 years now.

Would I drink & drug again if...

... it would put me behind the wheel of a Mercedes?

... enable me to have a big house in the right neigborhood?

Nope.

And yes... desperation is a fine motivator.

Aysha

I just want to add that I do not live in a 250k house. I dont even live in a house. I live in a single wide trailer that we pay rent on. I drive a beat up 98 Ford Windstar minivan. That cost more to fix the dam brakes last week than what I payed for the van itself.
I work maybe 20 -25 hrs a week right now cause business is really slow.
I didnt mention all that stuff as a sole reason to motivate me or any one.
I was just saying that seeing things like that all around me makes me think of ways to improve myself. Not only financially. But most importantly within myself. I will never own anything if I keep going on that drug path. I am lucky I own a vehicle at all to be honest. And if it werent for my dad. I wouldnt even have that.
The Benz and the houses really have nothing to do with it. It was just an example.

I would be homeless and hungry if thats what it took for me to not die an active user and hold on to my family.

keithj

I think it will work great. I think it's almost a requirement for recovery. A friend of mine makes the mental picture of falling off the back of an ocean liner at sea at night. And noone sees you fall overboard. When that moment happens, you don't care who is throwing the life preserver or what shape it is. You're going to grab it and swim your *ss off.

"We, in our turn, sought the same escape with all the desperation of drowning men."

least

I too was at the "drowning man" stage when I realized I had to stop drinking. My life was a mess, worthless, and I wanted to die. My desperation motivated me more than all the nagging and worrying from my daughter. I wanted to die but I DIDN'T really want to die. So I HAD to take steps to reverse my downward spiral. I guess I'm so thickheaded that it had to come to that desperate place before I was willing to save myself.

Bamboozle

I think that's an awesome approach...turning what could be a negative into a positive. You're onto something good, chiy.