Possible peaceful resolution or am I delusional
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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Possible peaceful resolution or am I delusional
Truly--I told myself I was not going to file until after I talked to AH to see if he wanted to consider a legal separation. I was going to wait until the end of the month because our wedding anniversary is coming up in a week and I thought--OK, filing for divorce right now is really going to pi** him off. Also, I planned on taking a week off work in a couple weeks and we were going to do a small family vacation. I did not want to ruin that. It would be fun for the kids--they already see the distance between me and their Dad.
I got a late start for work this morning--set the wrong alarm last night so woke up 2 hours late. So I was home after AH took the kids to preschool and camp. I was getting ready to leave and AH told me he was going to see the psychiatrist this morning (the guy who gave him the campral). My mouth went off before my brain did and I asked him if he was going to tell the doctor that he is drinking while on campral. This started the usual--I am only drinking one drink a week discussion and I lost it--not is a loud angry way.
It was like the straw that broke the camel's back. I asked him if he really thought I believed that and before he could answer I told him he did not need to--his answer did not matter. I did not think he was ever going to stop. That I saw what he is currently doing is just part of the cycle--drink to extreme excess, cause severe family upheaval, seem remorseful but do nothing, I say I'm done and he says he will go to treatment, he sort of does (takes him 2 months to get in to see the psychiatrist), tells me he is not drinking (and he is not at home), catch him drinking (not looking for it--just walk into some place and see him with drink in hand), more promises, blah, blah, blah.
Then it just popped out--I told him I did not trust him anymore and I did not love him anymore--that the years and years of the continuous cycle had worn me down. I could see in his eyes that he was extremely hurt--and that had not been my intent. I guess in my insanity I thought there would be a nice clean way to make the break.
I was mad at myself instantly for not just letting it go for 2 more weeks so we could get through the anniversary and that week off. But once it was said and I told him all that I felt about how neither of us is happy in our marriage it just turned into this relentless arguing. My aim was not to hurt him. His aim was to show me why this is all my fault and that I am a heartless bit** who can never forgive anyone and that I am not capable of loving anyone. I actually started to feel bad--after all the treatment I have gone through to deal with the crap my mother heaped on my head, I started to feel my self esteem slipping. But then he did something that made me so furious that I calmly told him he was never going to get it.
What did he say? That I never forgave my mom. Sure, she had some problems but I never even tried to forgive her and now she is dead and I still have not forgiven her. Brief history about my mom--she became very serious in her disease around the time I was 12, and then became extremely abusive. I have since found out that abusive parents will often select one child to heap the abuse on and while the other kids will get some--the chosen one will get the brunt of it. I was the chosen one. It was not until my mom died that my siblings found out what my mom had done to me because my aunt told them--because she would call my aunt when she was drunk and tell her what a piece of cra* I was. They had no idea that I lived in that house with her for 6 long years of almost daily verbal abuse about how useless I was (I was a good student, I was in sports, I went to church with my best friend's family--I did NOTHING to deserve her hatred--yet she heaped it upon me relentlessly). I had little self esteem left by the time she was done. I thank God that my best friend’s parents knew what was going one and took me out of the house as much as possible--once even coming over when I called my friend crying and telling my mom to get out of the way, taking me by the hand and walking me out of the house. My mom had not recollection of it.
This is also the mother who told me I would be a horrible mother because I would not take one of the several dogs that she would get and then want to get rid of. This is the mother would even after I left home would call me at college and tell me I was nothing and would never amount to anything. This is the mother who in a drunken state came at me my first trip home from college and my dad had to put himself between us (and I got on the bus the next morning and went back to school). I cannot even remember where I slept that night.
This is also the woman who told my oldest sister during one of her drunken rages that she was sorry she had ever given birth to her because had she not, she would not have been saddled with the horrible life she had. She told her she was sorry she was born.
So AH is telling me that I basically probably "had it coming" because of the way I talked to her when she was drunk. WHAT? OK, then I lost it--but quietly. Fortunately I was able to remember what a pastor had said to me once (strangely the same pastor who married us)--that you can forgive a person--but that does not mean you ever have to accept that what they did to you was OK. That is what I held onto when I told AH that our marriage was never going to work. Did he want a legal separation or a divorce--he had the choice. If he wanted a separation he could still have health insurance. He told me to just forget it. He did not want to be on my insurance because I had to have my own doctors and would never think about changing it to something else if he wanted to see someone else.
That is another long story-I have remained in jobs that I do not like for the last 7 years because we need insurance and AH is not employed and will not take a job that he considers below him. So he said fine, just file for divorce, you don't love me anyway and nothing I do is ever going to be enough--just like your mom (WHAT--she never did anything--she died still in denial and left a trail of wreckage behind her). I just walked out. It was like what someone had posted on an earlier thread--I was trying to be clear but surrounded by fog.
Then as I leave AH says he still wants to go to marriage counseling and all I can say is WHY? If I am such a hideous hag who makes your life so unhappy would you want to remain married to me. According to you I am the woman who sucks the life out of everything and everyone around her.
OK, phone just rang at work and it is AH. He tells me he is at the shrink and he is writing out a referral for couple counseling and that it will be based on what is going on with him. All I can think is what is the point of this. Why? I said fine--I will go BUT only if we are both completely and totally honest with the therapist and that means I am going to tell her I do not want to be married to him anymore and that I feel no love for him anymore. He said he still wanted us to go and he would be honest. All I could think of was what another therapist I was seeing had said to me once--couples counseling is not a bad thing--even if you are done with your marriage. She has seen people come in who wanted to remain married but in the end saw that things had gone to far and the marriage was over. She had seen people who came in and both wanted out and in the end remained happily married. I finally said OK--BUT if it becomes extremely apparent that our marriage is over you must accept that and work toward a calm dissolution of the marriage so we both come out alive. He told me I was going into it with failure in mind and I told him no, I was going into it with complete and total honesty in mind.
Am I insane to think that this will help? That we can come out on the other side without an adversarial relationship? I still do not want to live with him and I still do not want our kids to live with him. I do not hate him. I just want a life.
My final word was that I would not wait long for an appointment--like the 2 month wait he accepted to get in to see a psychiatrist. That I and the kids deserved a happy life and I was not willing to squander any more of it.
I think I am doing this not to make him happy--and I don't think I am delusional about that (maybe tomorrow I will think differently). I think I am doing this HOPING that I can come out on the other side (with the kids) in a more peaceful place.
I got a late start for work this morning--set the wrong alarm last night so woke up 2 hours late. So I was home after AH took the kids to preschool and camp. I was getting ready to leave and AH told me he was going to see the psychiatrist this morning (the guy who gave him the campral). My mouth went off before my brain did and I asked him if he was going to tell the doctor that he is drinking while on campral. This started the usual--I am only drinking one drink a week discussion and I lost it--not is a loud angry way.
It was like the straw that broke the camel's back. I asked him if he really thought I believed that and before he could answer I told him he did not need to--his answer did not matter. I did not think he was ever going to stop. That I saw what he is currently doing is just part of the cycle--drink to extreme excess, cause severe family upheaval, seem remorseful but do nothing, I say I'm done and he says he will go to treatment, he sort of does (takes him 2 months to get in to see the psychiatrist), tells me he is not drinking (and he is not at home), catch him drinking (not looking for it--just walk into some place and see him with drink in hand), more promises, blah, blah, blah.
Then it just popped out--I told him I did not trust him anymore and I did not love him anymore--that the years and years of the continuous cycle had worn me down. I could see in his eyes that he was extremely hurt--and that had not been my intent. I guess in my insanity I thought there would be a nice clean way to make the break.
I was mad at myself instantly for not just letting it go for 2 more weeks so we could get through the anniversary and that week off. But once it was said and I told him all that I felt about how neither of us is happy in our marriage it just turned into this relentless arguing. My aim was not to hurt him. His aim was to show me why this is all my fault and that I am a heartless bit** who can never forgive anyone and that I am not capable of loving anyone. I actually started to feel bad--after all the treatment I have gone through to deal with the crap my mother heaped on my head, I started to feel my self esteem slipping. But then he did something that made me so furious that I calmly told him he was never going to get it.
What did he say? That I never forgave my mom. Sure, she had some problems but I never even tried to forgive her and now she is dead and I still have not forgiven her. Brief history about my mom--she became very serious in her disease around the time I was 12, and then became extremely abusive. I have since found out that abusive parents will often select one child to heap the abuse on and while the other kids will get some--the chosen one will get the brunt of it. I was the chosen one. It was not until my mom died that my siblings found out what my mom had done to me because my aunt told them--because she would call my aunt when she was drunk and tell her what a piece of cra* I was. They had no idea that I lived in that house with her for 6 long years of almost daily verbal abuse about how useless I was (I was a good student, I was in sports, I went to church with my best friend's family--I did NOTHING to deserve her hatred--yet she heaped it upon me relentlessly). I had little self esteem left by the time she was done. I thank God that my best friend’s parents knew what was going one and took me out of the house as much as possible--once even coming over when I called my friend crying and telling my mom to get out of the way, taking me by the hand and walking me out of the house. My mom had not recollection of it.
This is also the mother who told me I would be a horrible mother because I would not take one of the several dogs that she would get and then want to get rid of. This is the mother would even after I left home would call me at college and tell me I was nothing and would never amount to anything. This is the mother who in a drunken state came at me my first trip home from college and my dad had to put himself between us (and I got on the bus the next morning and went back to school). I cannot even remember where I slept that night.
This is also the woman who told my oldest sister during one of her drunken rages that she was sorry she had ever given birth to her because had she not, she would not have been saddled with the horrible life she had. She told her she was sorry she was born.
So AH is telling me that I basically probably "had it coming" because of the way I talked to her when she was drunk. WHAT? OK, then I lost it--but quietly. Fortunately I was able to remember what a pastor had said to me once (strangely the same pastor who married us)--that you can forgive a person--but that does not mean you ever have to accept that what they did to you was OK. That is what I held onto when I told AH that our marriage was never going to work. Did he want a legal separation or a divorce--he had the choice. If he wanted a separation he could still have health insurance. He told me to just forget it. He did not want to be on my insurance because I had to have my own doctors and would never think about changing it to something else if he wanted to see someone else.
That is another long story-I have remained in jobs that I do not like for the last 7 years because we need insurance and AH is not employed and will not take a job that he considers below him. So he said fine, just file for divorce, you don't love me anyway and nothing I do is ever going to be enough--just like your mom (WHAT--she never did anything--she died still in denial and left a trail of wreckage behind her). I just walked out. It was like what someone had posted on an earlier thread--I was trying to be clear but surrounded by fog.
Then as I leave AH says he still wants to go to marriage counseling and all I can say is WHY? If I am such a hideous hag who makes your life so unhappy would you want to remain married to me. According to you I am the woman who sucks the life out of everything and everyone around her.
OK, phone just rang at work and it is AH. He tells me he is at the shrink and he is writing out a referral for couple counseling and that it will be based on what is going on with him. All I can think is what is the point of this. Why? I said fine--I will go BUT only if we are both completely and totally honest with the therapist and that means I am going to tell her I do not want to be married to him anymore and that I feel no love for him anymore. He said he still wanted us to go and he would be honest. All I could think of was what another therapist I was seeing had said to me once--couples counseling is not a bad thing--even if you are done with your marriage. She has seen people come in who wanted to remain married but in the end saw that things had gone to far and the marriage was over. She had seen people who came in and both wanted out and in the end remained happily married. I finally said OK--BUT if it becomes extremely apparent that our marriage is over you must accept that and work toward a calm dissolution of the marriage so we both come out alive. He told me I was going into it with failure in mind and I told him no, I was going into it with complete and total honesty in mind.
Am I insane to think that this will help? That we can come out on the other side without an adversarial relationship? I still do not want to live with him and I still do not want our kids to live with him. I do not hate him. I just want a life.
My final word was that I would not wait long for an appointment--like the 2 month wait he accepted to get in to see a psychiatrist. That I and the kids deserved a happy life and I was not willing to squander any more of it.
I think I am doing this not to make him happy--and I don't think I am delusional about that (maybe tomorrow I will think differently). I think I am doing this HOPING that I can come out on the other side (with the kids) in a more peaceful place.
Last edited by HoopNinja; 07-10-2009 at 10:30 AM. Reason: Wrote one thing when I meant another--said the same thing twice
mergirl
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Paradise
Posts: 4,161
I think you can continue on with your recovery, setting boundaries, and even leaving him (or making him leave) WHILE you wait for the appointment. The counseling may help you to separate more amicably, or with less damage to the kids, but I personally would not want to wait in the house and act like nothing has happened for week on end. I've been there and it's not pretty!
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