TrainWreckAgain

The past 24 hours have been a big struggle for me... and I feel like I am back-sliding. I apologize for this being lengthy....

I have been involved with my qualifier for 4 years. We have lived together for 2 years. She has been in various treatment centers for 120 days. At the first one, she checked herself out after 3 weeks. Within 24 hours, she relapsed. At center 2, she lasted 5 days. At faciltiy 3, she was there for 2 weeks. On the recommendation of the treatmeant team, she transfered to facility #4 where she has been for the last 60 days.

For the last 30 days, we have been in a mode of No Contact. This period of NC (recommended by her treatment team) started after a massive knock-down / drag out I had with her. She wanted to leave the Treatment Center (against the STRONG recommendation of her treatment team), move into a Sober Living facility and "orchestrate" her own recovery program. Her treatment team stated that "she was in no way ready to move to a less structured Sober Living environment."

I told her that she could check herself out and go to the Sober Living if she wanted to... her choice... but that I would not pay for it (as I have been for the TC). Drawing that 'line in the sand' was hard for me. I did question if I was trying to control her. But I came to the conclusion that if I paid for her Sober Living, I was moving back into the role of being an enabler. If she wanted to go, she could, but that she would have to figure out how to pay for it on her own.

She became incredibly angry, said she didn't know "why she would want to be in a relationship with someone like me"... that she was "putting our relationship on hold"... that I was essentially the scum of the earth... and so on... And (isn't this a great high-tech world we live in) she changed her relationship status on Facebook from "engaged" to "its complicated"...

During this entire time, I have been caring for an providing for her 2 children. For much of the last 2 years, I have been the primary parent for her kids as she slid deeper into her disease.

So the back-sliding.... last night, she contacted me, via text messaging. Her text messages were calm, and not attacking me in any way. There was some stated gratitude for everything I had done. And in the text messages, there was no indication as to if she was still in the mode of "we are through" or if she had any interest in having the relationship continue.

I found myself reading and re-reading the messages trying to discern her state of mind and her thoughts on our relationship.

I understand that she needs to be focused on her recovery, and me on mine... butt it is not easy living in relationship limbo when I am caring for her kids. For a variety of reasons, there are no family members on her side (or the kids father's side) that would be viable guardians of the kids... even if I wanted to let them go.

I am wondering how... when there are kids involved... how do people live in relationship limbo? And how do you detach with love... when you see the damage the disease has cause the children every day? It has robbed them of their mother...

My head just keeps spinning around....

Gypsy Feet

It's late and I have no wisdom for you, just e-hugs and my well wishes. What a wonderful thing you are doing keeping those children safe.

sandrawg

I know-I wish I had some pearls of wisdom for you, too. You are amazing. I'm sure that is small consolation to hear that, with what you're going through. But..those poor kids. They have no one else? My heart goes out to them and you.

**{hugs}}

Could you possibly get temporary custody of them? Would you want to?

MissFixit

HI Train Wreck,

I am sorry for your situation. As she sounds unstable I worry for those kids. They are with you because she currently allows it, right? If she is in and out of "your relationship," then she can take them away if she gets mad/drunk. That is tough situation.

I have no idea what you should do with respect to your relationship, but it sounds like you might consider what you want out of a relationship with her. Caretaking for the kids is great, but is that a temporary thing or a permanent thing? Are the kids young or old?

Hugs

KittyTET

I'm sort of in a relationship "limbo" myself with my AH at the moment, so I hear you. We don't have any human children, but we have three dogs whom we both love dearly. It does make it VERY difficult to completely detach.

I don't really have any words or wisdom or advice, as I am just as confused as you are, but I just wanted you to know that I feel for you and you're not alone. The thought of losing my dogs is killing me, so I can only imagine how you are feeling about turning the care of those children over to someone else, if that is a possibility. As cliche as this is, you have to just keep hoping for the best, living one day at a time. I wish you the best.