Gypsy Feet

I have been trying to come up with a concise description of where I am, and how I came to belong on this forum. It's hard! My husband and I both drank heavily when we met, and all the way through our marriage. I maintained a steady numb, with the rare once a year "black out and wake up in the the bath tub". He had every-weekend binges, black outs, broken bones, puke on yourself, potty training lapses, a ride or two home in a police car, and the occasional bar beat down. There were several ugly incidents per year for ten years. In the early days, we used a drug or 3 together as well.

The flip side

We were also the best of friends. He worked so that I could go to school, because he believed I was destined for greatness. We attended soccer games, water polo matches and swim meets every weekend, hung over or not. He moved me to the city I wanted to live in and paid the bills as I brought home horses, goats, stray dogs, stray kids, and anything else that needed "saving". He tried to give me everything I needed to be happy, and I was all that he needed.

When the last of our children was a senior in high school and prepping to leave the nest, I had a major melt down. I became severely depressed, he and I weren't speaking at all. 4 or 5 years ago I asked for a divorce, he bought me out of the house at my request and I left.

A year later I moved back in (finances). We have a studio apartment built into the garage that I moved into. We gave it a half a$$ed 2nd try, both of us still boozing hard, but I never felt married. I moved out for another year, and ended up back here sept 08. Sometime during the first year I filed for divorce, but acting as my own attorney I failed and it never went through.

So I live in my sort-of-ex's garage. Neither of us wears a ring, both of us are listed as "single" on facebook. We have been intimate off and on through this, not any more. I have told him for the last 2 years I don't have it in me (to be married to him), I think maybe he finally gets it.

I quit drinking dec 08. A week later when he saw I was serious, he quit as well. So now I work on my codependent issues and learn how to cope without using booze. I live in the garage because until I get a promotion at work to full time, I can't afford my own place. Neither of us joined AA, neither of us had much trouble quitting. We go to the gym together, babysit my nephew together BUT

He is not "working" on anything. He is almost 100% dependent on me for his entertainment and well being. And I can't wait to leave. And I think he knows this.

Now you are all up to speed and I am falling asleep at the keyboard, whew that was long winded (and that was the short version!!)

GiveLove

Thanks, Lisa. Wow, what a wild ride you've been on. Sending up prayers and best wishes for both your continued sobriety (way to go ) and your promotion. (BTW, I like your new name better, being of the gypsy feet type myself....)

Astro

Wow Lisa, that is quite a story! It makes me smile to know that some couples can stay friendly and supportive. That certainly wasn't the case with my ex and I (and the guy she had an affair with), it's more like World War III between us.

So if I understood correctly, for the last 3 or 4 years you've had a roof over your head, even though it's your ex's garage? Hmmm, maybe God's doing for you what you can't do for yourself? All your needs were being met, while you were drinking and as your recovery began. That's pretty cool that you had a safe place to live, even though the circumstances might've been awkward.

Whether you leave or stay, whether he chooses to work on his recovery or not, it's all part of the journey, the path, the plan for your life. You've got a great story to share, I'm sure in the future it'll inspire other newcomers to recovery.

Gypsy Feet

yes, the last time I moved back I was in really bad shape. I had moved in with my grand father who had late stage alzheimer's and was able to keep him at home until he died. It was a year long amazing, brutally hard, inspiring, terrifying, life changing experience and I am so grateful to have been able to be there for him. He was really sick, but he died in his bed in the home he lived in since before I was born.

My (ex)husband tells me when I came back I was drinking more than he had seen before. I never saw it. I would go into my hot tub for 3/4 hours a night to read and drink and lose myself. I am grateful to my (ex) for being here for me.

When I first found this site and started picking up some of the tools, I began fledgling newbie "prayers" asking for a HP to lead me back to a happy marriage with this man. Apparently that was my will=) It is clear to me now my path leads away from this house again. I have a fair amount of sadness that I will hurt him by leaving yet again (this will be the third time), but I can't live my life just to keep him safe, even if I know he would do the same for me if he could.

Astro

I've come to learn that our prayers are always answered, just not always the way we want. Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it's no, and most of the time it's let me show you something better.

Your HP has a plan for you and your ex. I hope that as your recovery progresses, you'll be able to kick back, put your feet up, and watch that plan unfold.

PS: I prayed for my marriage to be put back together countless times, got pissed and cursed God when He didn't do what I wanted. 4 years later I'm engaged to a woman who works a strong program of recovery in CoDA. So I guess God really did show me something better

Gypsy Feet

Haha astro, thats one of the reasons I have known it was over for a long time. When we were happily married he was the only man on the planet. Now I have a whee bit of a crush on someone else. I won't act on it while I am living here, but I am reminded there is a whole world waiting for me outside this garage!

luciddreamrgrl

I feel you on this gypsy. Isn't it interesting the way things work sometimes? I have this type of relationship with my X non alcoholic husband. We have a child together and although we have gone through some tough times, we have always remained friends. Each time we break up with whoever we're with, we cling to each other. We hang out, we do the unspeakable things for a message board lol. But eventually we both move on and find other people. Sometimes we're happy and sometimes we're not. I know, and he knows, that we will never live together again or be married again. Whats the harm in having someone to help comfort you in the dark times? I have also felt ready to "get out", as you put it. It get's old after awhile when there is no real love there anymore.

I could have written that quote myself. I always feel my ex husband is going to be hurt by me moving on. But I lay down ground rules before hand, so that he knows when I'm ready to move on and find true love, I warned him ahead of time lol. Maybe if this happens in the future, you can just explicitly tell him that this is for comfort only. On both his and your parts. If he can't handle that, then just don't go there! Know what I mean?

Gypsy Feet

I have told him, many times. Part of him acknowledges it, part of him likes having his meals prepared and someone to chat about how his work day went.

Gypsy Feet

I needed some me time this weekend and I went out of town. The (ex) was invited but didn't want to come. I came home to an empty 12 pack of beer. I was wondering how long his "sobriety" would last if it was just following my lead. I feel for him a bit, but we all have to find our own way.

josie46

Wow, what a story. I comment you both for not drinking. Sounds like there is some co-dependent issues as well. I wish you well on your recovery. And as you said, there is other life beyond the garage!

Josie