The things that put it all into percpective
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
The things that put it all into percpective
My uncle just passed away about a half hour ago.
He was my grams brother. She didnt get to see him awake before he passed. She spent last week down in TX and the ICU of the hospital just looking at him laying in the bed with tubes in his throat.
They pulled the plug around 1pm and he finally went tonight.
I listened in on the phone call. I went in there to see if she was ok and she said she had to call a couple people first and then she could cry.
I know I wouldnt in a lifetime have even a fraction of that strength.
I have been struggling for a few days now. And it has gotten more intense as the days go by. I was thinking of doing some things that would most definately betray trust. And it would be down right disrespectful had I done it.
I have held on so tight these past few days. And honestly. I thought I was gone today. And I just knew tomorrow was over with. I was gonna lose it.
My first experience with death was my grandfather in 2003. At the peak of my addiction. OMG..I was off the hook and going down fast.
I will never forget that night he passed. Things that cant be explained happened that night. And I will never forget it. I made amends with a man I thought I hated without ever sayin a word. And for that I am so very thankful.
I was a hot mess when he left. I wasnt there for my gram. And I really kicked it into high gear when he was gone.
Now if I were to have gone and got high like I have been obsessing about. I wouldnt have been here. At the same time. I would have done something so untrustworthy so I could get high. And with all that in play. I would be one sorry ass excuse of a human being.
I dont think if I ever was in a place like I was when my gramps passed again. And even more so when my grams passes. I could never ever forgive myself.
I do not follow the whole God way. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I have never held out this long ever. Maybe there is a reason for that. And now my obsession has passed. Not completely. But enough to where I am completely positive that it isnt happening any time soon. Not now..Not tomorrow.
Its sad that it takes something that extreme as death to put me back in reality and thinking right. And even more so that it takes death to stop me dead in my tracks.
There is no more questioning whether I am gonna give or not. I had my answer as soon as I heard the news.
I feel sick with myself for even considering going at a time like this.
And I def need to stop being so critical of my grams. I have been a real ass to her for awhile now. I get short with her and she aggravates me. And she really isnt doing anything. Just being older. I get mad at her elderly ways alot. I would seriously hurt anyone else for doing that.
The struggle is over now. I hate it was beat down by this. But I am so glad I was here. And not there.
Thx everyone for sticking by me. I can never express my gratitude for this board and all of you enough.
He was my grams brother. She didnt get to see him awake before he passed. She spent last week down in TX and the ICU of the hospital just looking at him laying in the bed with tubes in his throat.
They pulled the plug around 1pm and he finally went tonight.
I listened in on the phone call. I went in there to see if she was ok and she said she had to call a couple people first and then she could cry.
I know I wouldnt in a lifetime have even a fraction of that strength.
I have been struggling for a few days now. And it has gotten more intense as the days go by. I was thinking of doing some things that would most definately betray trust. And it would be down right disrespectful had I done it.
I have held on so tight these past few days. And honestly. I thought I was gone today. And I just knew tomorrow was over with. I was gonna lose it.
My first experience with death was my grandfather in 2003. At the peak of my addiction. OMG..I was off the hook and going down fast.
I will never forget that night he passed. Things that cant be explained happened that night. And I will never forget it. I made amends with a man I thought I hated without ever sayin a word. And for that I am so very thankful.
I was a hot mess when he left. I wasnt there for my gram. And I really kicked it into high gear when he was gone.
Now if I were to have gone and got high like I have been obsessing about. I wouldnt have been here. At the same time. I would have done something so untrustworthy so I could get high. And with all that in play. I would be one sorry ass excuse of a human being.
I dont think if I ever was in a place like I was when my gramps passed again. And even more so when my grams passes. I could never ever forgive myself.
I do not follow the whole God way. But I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I have never held out this long ever. Maybe there is a reason for that. And now my obsession has passed. Not completely. But enough to where I am completely positive that it isnt happening any time soon. Not now..Not tomorrow.
Its sad that it takes something that extreme as death to put me back in reality and thinking right. And even more so that it takes death to stop me dead in my tracks.
There is no more questioning whether I am gonna give or not. I had my answer as soon as I heard the news.
I feel sick with myself for even considering going at a time like this.
And I def need to stop being so critical of my grams. I have been a real ass to her for awhile now. I get short with her and she aggravates me. And she really isnt doing anything. Just being older. I get mad at her elderly ways alot. I would seriously hurt anyone else for doing that.
The struggle is over now. I hate it was beat down by this. But I am so glad I was here. And not there.
Thx everyone for sticking by me. I can never express my gratitude for this board and all of you enough.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: On my way
Posts: 173
So sorry for your loss...usually death is an excuse to give in and be excused for it....but in this case--it was a reason not to give in!
I lost my dad pretty unexpectedly in 12/07---this lead me into a pretty deep hole at first, but at the same time it kept me sober for 9 months---I felt like I was way too selfish to let myself indulge and take the easy way through...so I tried to be strong and tough it out....I never addressed my saddness, and tried just not to think about death at all...I couldn't handle it----this ultimately lead to another downfall....
I hope you are ok--hang in there---death is natural, it's hard to accept...but now I realize I need to make the most of my short time I have, and not waste anymore of it being unhappy with myself and the life I am living---thinking of you
I lost my dad pretty unexpectedly in 12/07---this lead me into a pretty deep hole at first, but at the same time it kept me sober for 9 months---I felt like I was way too selfish to let myself indulge and take the easy way through...so I tried to be strong and tough it out....I never addressed my saddness, and tried just not to think about death at all...I couldn't handle it----this ultimately lead to another downfall....
I hope you are ok--hang in there---death is natural, it's hard to accept...but now I realize I need to make the most of my short time I have, and not waste anymore of it being unhappy with myself and the life I am living---thinking of you
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 271
((chiy))
I was talking to my doc this week about depression and he asked if I felt suicidal. I answered, "Not in a long time." He asked how long and I had to really think about it. Not since I watched my kid brother take his last breath. Those kind of reality checks are powerful and long-lasting.
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss but I'm very happy to hear that the struggle is over for you now.
I was talking to my doc this week about depression and he asked if I felt suicidal. I answered, "Not in a long time." He asked how long and I had to really think about it. Not since I watched my kid brother take his last breath. Those kind of reality checks are powerful and long-lasting.
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss but I'm very happy to hear that the struggle is over for you now.
where the light is
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 2,763
Sorry for your loss.
This is one of the big reasons why my sobriety is so precious - to always be there for my loved ones. It's just so nice that you are there to support your Grandmother.
Take good care of yourself.
This is one of the big reasons why my sobriety is so precious - to always be there for my loved ones. It's just so nice that you are there to support your Grandmother.
Take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: On my way
Posts: 173
Originally Posted by gravity 
Sorry for your loss.
This is one of the big reasons why my sobriety is so precious - to always be there for my loved ones. It's just so nice that you are there to support your Grandmother.
Take good care of yourself.
This is one of the big reasons why my sobriety is so precious - to always be there for my loved ones. It's just so nice that you are there to support your Grandmother.
Take good care of yourself.
"This is one of the big reasons why my sobriety is so precious - to always be there for my loved ones."
User
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 116
I'm so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you & to your grandmother.
I know you're upset with yourself for coming so close to making a huge mistake, but you didn't. And for that, you should be very proud of yourself.
I know you're upset with yourself for coming so close to making a huge mistake, but you didn't. And for that, you should be very proud of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
I'm sorry for your loss and your grandmother's as well. What you wrote up there makes so much sense, I hope you hold on to what you wrote up there.
Maybe you don't believe in the whole God thing, I don't either but I do believe that things will come to us after we sweat it out, the other side is better.
So glad you're still here. :ghug3
Maybe you don't believe in the whole God thing, I don't either but I do believe that things will come to us after we sweat it out, the other side is better.
So glad you're still here. :ghug3
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
I'm sorry for your loss but proud of you for not caving in to the urges. I always like reading what you have to say. You are very wise, whether you know it or not, and i always get something good from your posts.:ghug2
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Thx everyone.
I feel like crap today. I have a Dr appt in about 20 mins.
Then I have to go get my check and pay that ticket. It is due today. And I have already gone in front of the judge and asked for an extension 3 times. This is it for it.
I dont have anyone to go with me. But I feel confident right now. But that could all change at the drop of a hat. It has before.
But I know I will make it.
I appreciate all of you and your wishes. Its sorta silent around here today. Hopefully that will change as the day goes on.
See yall when I get back. And I will be back!!
I feel like crap today. I have a Dr appt in about 20 mins.
Then I have to go get my check and pay that ticket. It is due today. And I have already gone in front of the judge and asked for an extension 3 times. This is it for it.
I dont have anyone to go with me. But I feel confident right now. But that could all change at the drop of a hat. It has before.
But I know I will make it.
I appreciate all of you and your wishes. Its sorta silent around here today. Hopefully that will change as the day goes on.
See yall when I get back. And I will be back!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Trish)))- sometimes I just have to keep repeating "do the right thing" to myself. I figure, whatever works, right?
I can't be with ya in person, but I'm with ya in spirit, okay?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I can't be with ya in person, but I'm with ya in spirit, okay?
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Made it!!
You all have no idea how hard this has been for me. I have never in my life held on this long.
But I did it. My Dr made me feel even more assured that I didnt want to do it.
He told me he sees that I am determined. He liked the Hangin around the Barber shop long enough you'll get a haircut saying. He said he never heard it before but he liked it.
I am still not completely in the clear. As much as I keep tellin myself and doin affirmations and all that. That farkin AV is pretty dam loud.
Anyway. I made it thus far.
I think I am goin to take my gram to see my other aunt and her sister tomorrow afetr work. Its a 2 hr drive. But we havent seen them in awhile and I know she could use it right now.
You all have no idea how hard this has been for me. I have never in my life held on this long.
But I did it. My Dr made me feel even more assured that I didnt want to do it.
He told me he sees that I am determined. He liked the Hangin around the Barber shop long enough you'll get a haircut saying. He said he never heard it before but he liked it.
I am still not completely in the clear. As much as I keep tellin myself and doin affirmations and all that. That farkin AV is pretty dam loud.
Anyway. I made it thus far.
I think I am goin to take my gram to see my other aunt and her sister tomorrow afetr work. Its a 2 hr drive. But we havent seen them in awhile and I know she could use it right now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Scottish Borders
Posts: 32
I get short with her and she aggravates me. And she really isnt doing anything. Just being older. I get mad at her elderly ways alot. I would seriously hurt anyone else for doing that.
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