Dad hurting mom
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Join Date: Mar 2009
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Dad hurting mom
I live 1500 miles away from my two sisters and my parents. I've lived away for 10 years. I think subconsciously I did not want to hear/see the drama that revolves around my dad and his alcoholism but never admitted that, but now I realize I did it to protect myself.
Dad had a very complicated surgery to remove cancerous tissue from his esophagus. He currently has an open wound the size of a dinner plate on his abdomen which needs daily dressing changing. He can drive himself alone, and he is not in much pain, but his hole in his chest is disgusting (I've seen pictures). It will need a skin graph.
Anyway, dad is an a$$hole. He's mean to my mom and now mean to his daughters. He's always been mean to her (now I know why my first husband was an emotional abuser!).
I just heard from my sister that dad THREW my mom against a wall. Evidently she was asking my dad about his retirement money, which he hides from her 100%. He's very paranoid and thinks everyone is out to get him. Even more so since this surgery (maybe a 12" hole in your belly does that to you).
Mom, who is NOT a drinker, proceeds to get drunk then drive around aimlessly while balling her eyes out. She called my youngest sister who told her to pull over and she will come get her (like 1.5 hour drive). She ended up going to my middle sister's apartment who lives near by. She's very embarrassed and won't talk about it any more. Acts like it's all fine and even went back home. I just heard of this on the phone. I guess it happened 2 weeks ago. Dad hurt himself and opened his wound by throwing her.
So I want to help my mom. I imagine she is too scared to leave because of the unknown. She's 58 and works PT so she has very little money. She could go back to 40 hours/week. She could get an apartment in town. At worst live with her mother who has a spare room, but that would be the ultimate low.
What can I do to help her? Email her? Help her sort out her fears? Offer to pay for counseling sessions? (She was going since her work provided 3 free sessions.) Give her names of lawyers? Pay her lawyer's retainer free?
I am positive she will not go to a shelter. She is PT caretaker of her grandson.
My younger sister and I are so angry with hatred at dad. The middle, like usually, is in denial and has her head in the sand. She's even marrying a guy like my dad and repeating patterns she cannot see (she's the one with the child).
Dad had a very complicated surgery to remove cancerous tissue from his esophagus. He currently has an open wound the size of a dinner plate on his abdomen which needs daily dressing changing. He can drive himself alone, and he is not in much pain, but his hole in his chest is disgusting (I've seen pictures). It will need a skin graph.
Anyway, dad is an a$$hole. He's mean to my mom and now mean to his daughters. He's always been mean to her (now I know why my first husband was an emotional abuser!).
I just heard from my sister that dad THREW my mom against a wall. Evidently she was asking my dad about his retirement money, which he hides from her 100%. He's very paranoid and thinks everyone is out to get him. Even more so since this surgery (maybe a 12" hole in your belly does that to you).
Mom, who is NOT a drinker, proceeds to get drunk then drive around aimlessly while balling her eyes out. She called my youngest sister who told her to pull over and she will come get her (like 1.5 hour drive). She ended up going to my middle sister's apartment who lives near by. She's very embarrassed and won't talk about it any more. Acts like it's all fine and even went back home. I just heard of this on the phone. I guess it happened 2 weeks ago. Dad hurt himself and opened his wound by throwing her.
So I want to help my mom. I imagine she is too scared to leave because of the unknown. She's 58 and works PT so she has very little money. She could go back to 40 hours/week. She could get an apartment in town. At worst live with her mother who has a spare room, but that would be the ultimate low.
What can I do to help her? Email her? Help her sort out her fears? Offer to pay for counseling sessions? (She was going since her work provided 3 free sessions.) Give her names of lawyers? Pay her lawyer's retainer free?
I am positive she will not go to a shelter. She is PT caretaker of her grandson.
My younger sister and I are so angry with hatred at dad. The middle, like usually, is in denial and has her head in the sand. She's even marrying a guy like my dad and repeating patterns she cannot see (she's the one with the child).
Last edited by sienna76; 07-09-2009 at 09:30 AM.
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Sienna,
I can only say what I would do, and it may not be appropriate for you.
I would call her and have an honest discussion about how she feels, whether she wants to continue like this, whether she truly IS afraid, etc. I would not expect any miracles. Codependency and its denial can be incredibly deep. I would make suggestions, being as encouraging and positive as I can (i.e. you'll help her find and set up her own, small, wonderful apartment, etc.). I'd offer any sort of help she might need (that you can offer) to get away.
And then I would let her make her own choices. That's the hardest part.
If she wants to stay, then she has not yet hit her bottom. Know that you can't accelerate this process....it happens to all of us on our own timetable.
But offering your help, and even more than that, offering your loving, unbiased, non-angry understanding and love, will benefit you both, no matter what she decides. Have your hatred, but be careful of venting it to your mom. It may backfire on you (we see it all the time on these boards...people turn right around and start defending their poor, poor abuser)
You may also want to give her the link to our Friends & Family of Alcoholics forum. There is a lot of good support and tenderness there, and lots of good ideas as well. It may be what gives her the confidence to leave.
Take good care of yourself, Sienna. Like my mentor says, "Ask for what you need, and offer what you can."
I can only say what I would do, and it may not be appropriate for you.
I would call her and have an honest discussion about how she feels, whether she wants to continue like this, whether she truly IS afraid, etc. I would not expect any miracles. Codependency and its denial can be incredibly deep. I would make suggestions, being as encouraging and positive as I can (i.e. you'll help her find and set up her own, small, wonderful apartment, etc.). I'd offer any sort of help she might need (that you can offer) to get away.
And then I would let her make her own choices. That's the hardest part.
If she wants to stay, then she has not yet hit her bottom. Know that you can't accelerate this process....it happens to all of us on our own timetable.
But offering your help, and even more than that, offering your loving, unbiased, non-angry understanding and love, will benefit you both, no matter what she decides. Have your hatred, but be careful of venting it to your mom. It may backfire on you (we see it all the time on these boards...people turn right around and start defending their poor, poor abuser)
You may also want to give her the link to our Friends & Family of Alcoholics forum. There is a lot of good support and tenderness there, and lots of good ideas as well. It may be what gives her the confidence to leave.
Take good care of yourself, Sienna. Like my mentor says, "Ask for what you need, and offer what you can."
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Thank you GiveLove. You are always so kind and compassionate.
I am glad that someone else agrees that I can say something at least to her (rather than stay in silence). You reminded that she hasn't hit her bottom yet to get out. I haven't vented to her about dad yet, but it's a good reminded to just help her within my limits to do what she wants and keep that part to myself for now.
I am glad that someone else agrees that I can say something at least to her (rather than stay in silence). You reminded that she hasn't hit her bottom yet to get out. I haven't vented to her about dad yet, but it's a good reminded to just help her within my limits to do what she wants and keep that part to myself for now.
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Thanks, Sienna. The recovery program part of me always says, "detach, detach, let them hit bottom, etc. etc." And so that part of my brain always pipes up and says "Stay out of it - it's not your life."
But I have to live with the REST of me, which knows that people like your mom can sometimes find their way to healing if other people shine their light on them. So I see nothing wrong with expressing your feelings and offering your support, as long as you don't have expectations that she will change -- or even that she will accept them.
Do it for you, because it is the finest part of our humanity. And give yourself a hug for being a compassionate human being, then hope for the best. Wishing you luck and sending you hugs
But I have to live with the REST of me, which knows that people like your mom can sometimes find their way to healing if other people shine their light on them. So I see nothing wrong with expressing your feelings and offering your support, as long as you don't have expectations that she will change -- or even that she will accept them.
Do it for you, because it is the finest part of our humanity. And give yourself a hug for being a compassionate human being, then hope for the best. Wishing you luck and sending you hugs
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GL always has the best posts. She's just wonderful and caring.
Let me add to this post a little with a different angle.
If your dad is hiding money, she can simply hire a private detective to find out where it is. It would be well worth knowing in case something happened to him.
Is she in his will? Where would all this money go if he died? These are things I would be scared of not knowing.
Anyway, if you have a loving talk with her, maybe she wouldn't feel alone and scared.
Living with a's is a nightmare.
Let me add to this post a little with a different angle.
If your dad is hiding money, she can simply hire a private detective to find out where it is. It would be well worth knowing in case something happened to him.
Is she in his will? Where would all this money go if he died? These are things I would be scared of not knowing.
Anyway, if you have a loving talk with her, maybe she wouldn't feel alone and scared.
Living with a's is a nightmare.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 37
I find it interesting that my dad is obsessed with his retirement fund as well, but I and my mother long ago realized it was a control thing. As my mom slowly begins to divorce him he spins more out of control because of it (he knows she is entitled to a big chunk).
I'm currently donig an ethnographic study on a friend in recovery. His rock bottom was his mom finally telling him no and he is forever greatful for it. However, to this day, when he tells her that (over 10 years clean and sober) she apologizes, "I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry." He laughs, "She'll never get it." She is forever a co-dependant.
I'm currently donig an ethnographic study on a friend in recovery. His rock bottom was his mom finally telling him no and he is forever greatful for it. However, to this day, when he tells her that (over 10 years clean and sober) she apologizes, "I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry." He laughs, "She'll never get it." She is forever a co-dependant.
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Apparently he had only about $75,000 in his retirement or pension (not sure which) and he spent it all on bills he had racking up. My mom has NO IDEA what he even has (retirement, savings, pension) because he refuses to tell her anything. She also has no idea if he has a will or if he's put her in it. This is how secretive my dad is. My mom is very worried about how she'll live when he's gone. I think his plan was to spend it all before he dies anyway. He's even said it outloud.
We are trying to get her to see a lawyer to see what her rights are if she divorces. He keeps saying, "You'll never get a cent from me!" in his empty threats and she believes it. But I am not sure if Indiana is a 50/50 no fault state. I know my state is.
I guess she could hire a PD, is that what they even do? How do you even find one? What would they cost? This can't be the only way of her finding out what he has account wise, is it?
This is how they've lived their entire marriage - my mom in the dark about money and if she wants to know she is put in her place.
We are trying to get her to see a lawyer to see what her rights are if she divorces. He keeps saying, "You'll never get a cent from me!" in his empty threats and she believes it. But I am not sure if Indiana is a 50/50 no fault state. I know my state is.
I guess she could hire a PD, is that what they even do? How do you even find one? What would they cost? This can't be the only way of her finding out what he has account wise, is it?
This is how they've lived their entire marriage - my mom in the dark about money and if she wants to know she is put in her place.
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Sienna, here's about.com's page on Indiana 50/50 divorce law:
Indiana Divorce Laws - Indiana State Divorce Laws
Your mom would definitely want to verify all of that with an attorney...it's just fyi.
She may be able to force him to surrender half of these "secret" assets before he spends them all, and a court may order him to pay maintenance.
You can't make her pursue any of this, of course, but it's a very serious matter to be left penniless by an abusive, vindictive spouse, so I hope she acts. It must be very frustrating to you.
Indiana Divorce Laws - Indiana State Divorce Laws
Your mom would definitely want to verify all of that with an attorney...it's just fyi.
She may be able to force him to surrender half of these "secret" assets before he spends them all, and a court may order him to pay maintenance.
You can't make her pursue any of this, of course, but it's a very serious matter to be left penniless by an abusive, vindictive spouse, so I hope she acts. It must be very frustrating to you.
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