brokenhalo

i really can't, but i am scared as hell. i am going to try my first meeting in years today, and my nerves are going through the roof. i've been in therapy to address other issues in my life, but haven't been able to own up to my dependency on alcohol. i didn't want to admit the impact its had my sanity, and i certainly didn't want to own up to the mess i made of my exgf's life. this is the hardest thing in the world and i am scared to start this part of the process. i desperately want clarity...clear vision, clear speech, clear thinking, and a clear conscience. there is so much i need to address, and it all seems too daunting to start. i know it can be done, but i can't do it alone anymore, so hello, i'm brokenhalo.

i have some old anabuse i am about to take, but i really don't know how to attend a meeting because my social anxiety has always been controlled with alcohol. i don't know what to expect, and i start shaking when i think about it.

thanks for listening and being here.

Astro

Hopefully, you can expect to be understood, supported, and loved unconditionally by people who are similar, not different. That's been my experience in the last 4 years of attending AA.

It is possible to stay clean and sober, one day at a time. Keep us posted on your progress, glad you're here.

mistycshore

Hi brokenhalo. I hope the meeting goes well for you. Don't let fear stand in your way.

brokenhalo

thank you both for your support. i look forward to interacting here, and i will certainly post about my progress. and i will try to remember to take it one day at a time. thanks again, i appreciate it.

bh

Caria

good luck. its the hardest step i've ever had to take, but for me there was no other choice.

grateful2b

Knowing it can be done is huge...
Yes, it all seems too overwhelming to start and that is why we try to stay in today and do the next right thing and then the next...one day at a time
Welcome, Brokenhalo

tommyk

"i don't know what to expect..."

Pretty much expect everyone at AA to know how you feel.

And expect to leave the AA meeting with some really good feelings and a re-newed sense of hope.

AA has changed me from being a mouse to being a strong person.

Keep coming back.

brokenhalo

thanks again everyone!

this is what i am hoping for:

thanks for all of the encouragement. for the last five years, i have existed as a mouse, but when the guilt and shame hit, i feel almost like a worthless slug, completely incapable of basic tasks for survival. i would drink, lie to my exgf about it, then expect her to rescue me from myself. madness.

Firehazard

Great first step. Way to go:praying

geothinkah

If your experience is like mine, Brokenhalo, you'll be just fine. I felt the same way and have come to really enjoy meetings! Good Luck...

misstep

I haven't ever been to a meeting so I can't help you with that. Just know that the first step will be the hardest, it will only get easier after that. I hope it goes ok, I'll be thinking of you!!

brokenhalo

the meeting is in 45 minutes, and i am already trying to come up with excuses. it's amazing how good i am at self-sabatoge.

brokenhalo

i'm super emotional today about this, and i am worried i am going to shake, stumble over my words, then burst into tears. it really worries me.

Astro

I spent the better part of my life committing my time to drinking and making excuses for my behavior.

I also left behind a huge amount of wreckage.

Nowadays the most important thing in my life is to commit my time to recovery. The longer I do it, the easier it becomes.

You can do this. When I started going to AA meetings I'd grip the chair tightly with both hands, or sit on my hands so I didn't have the urge to run out the door. It worked.

Astro

BTW, you don't have to talk or share if it makes you uncomfortable. Just listen for the similarities rather than the differences. Bring your body, the mind will follow, and remain teachable.

A cruder way we say it is "take the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth". I always hated that saying

brokenhalo

thank you. that helps alot.

grateful2b

BrokenHalo...AA is the one place you can go to to find yourself in everyone else there...
you don't have to say anything about anything if you aren't ready to...just take a chair and take it in.
Everybody knows what you are going through, because they were you at one point....coming in that first day for the first time with all those emotions...
Have a good meeting

Anna

Hi Brokenhalo,

It sounds to me like you're at a point where you know you have a lot of inner work to do. When I was at that point, I felt overwhelmed and scared and I didn't know where to start. One thing that helped me was to be quiet with myself, completely quiet for a few minutes every day. It helped me to reconnect with my spiritual self. And, please know that it is a lifelong journey. You don't need to figure out everything all at once.

brokenhalo

thank you 51anna.

i made it through the meeting, and do believe it's something i can continue going to. it is going to be hard, but i know i can stay sober. without the support of everyone here on my first post, i wouldn't have gone. thank you all for your help today. i will definately be interacting any chance i get. there is hope, and the "one day at a time" saying, is what i need to focus on. thank you all.

bh

Astro

Awesome, you're already an inspiration to other newcomers!