What do I do?
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
What do I do?
My 28 yr old AS left a message on my work voicemail yesterday that he got admitted to a local hospital's Mental Illness and Chemical Dependency program.
He had talked to me about it the day before. In that discussion he said I just want to know if when I am done with the program (something about the initial part only being 10 days,) would it be okay if I asked you for the money to see the new Harry Potter movie? (Real commitment huh?!?!) My response was, I'm not gonna talk about that now. (I didn't scream NO, laugh and walk away . . . like I should have.)
I had also spoke to a social worker he has been working with that said if I talked to my son I should encourage him to be open to this program (not this paticular program necessarily, just a program.)
So, here are all the things running through my head:
- Call the 'program' and 1. see if he's really there 2. talk to anyone who will listen to let them know he needs more than 10 days 3. ask anyone who will answer what their program is about 4. ask anyone who will answer if they have "family" counseling.
- Call the social worker to see if my AS is telling the truth about the program and ask him if he will be involved in any part of it.
- Call the number my son left to contact him, talk to him and encourage him to stay longer than 10 days, explain to him in no uncertain terms I will not be his source of income in 10 days or whatever (Have I said this clearly enough? In the right way so he understands? Do I have to? Does he think if he is seeking "recovery" I will support him financially? Do I have to specifically state I will not?)
- Do nothing - no call to him at the number he left, no call to the program and no call to the social worker. Just go on with my day . . . work, go to NarAnon tonight and pray for my AS.
Joan
He had talked to me about it the day before. In that discussion he said I just want to know if when I am done with the program (something about the initial part only being 10 days,) would it be okay if I asked you for the money to see the new Harry Potter movie? (Real commitment huh?!?!) My response was, I'm not gonna talk about that now. (I didn't scream NO, laugh and walk away . . . like I should have.)
I had also spoke to a social worker he has been working with that said if I talked to my son I should encourage him to be open to this program (not this paticular program necessarily, just a program.)
So, here are all the things running through my head:
- Call the 'program' and 1. see if he's really there 2. talk to anyone who will listen to let them know he needs more than 10 days 3. ask anyone who will answer what their program is about 4. ask anyone who will answer if they have "family" counseling.
- Call the social worker to see if my AS is telling the truth about the program and ask him if he will be involved in any part of it.
- Call the number my son left to contact him, talk to him and encourage him to stay longer than 10 days, explain to him in no uncertain terms I will not be his source of income in 10 days or whatever (Have I said this clearly enough? In the right way so he understands? Do I have to? Does he think if he is seeking "recovery" I will support him financially? Do I have to specifically state I will not?)
- Do nothing - no call to him at the number he left, no call to the program and no call to the social worker. Just go on with my day . . . work, go to NarAnon tonight and pray for my AS.
Joan
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Um...Yeah the last one, no call to him at the number he left, no call to the program and no call to the social worker. Just go on with your day....work, go to naranon tonight and PRAY...not just for your addicted son, but for the serenity to accept this thing you cannot change. Hand it over Sister. God's got us.
Love,
KJ
Love,
KJ
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((joan))
praying for you honey - so that you will know what is the best, healthiest and most recovery oriented decision to make for YOU.
Remember the best thing that we can do for our A is to take care of ourselves and let them learn to take care of themselves.
HUGS to you!!
Rita
praying for you honey - so that you will know what is the best, healthiest and most recovery oriented decision to make for YOU.
Remember the best thing that we can do for our A is to take care of ourselves and let them learn to take care of themselves.
HUGS to you!!
Rita
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Thanks, I guess I need to get the thoughts out AND see the reinforcement that "do nothing" is the right thing to do.
I didn't jump up and down for joy when he left the message about the program. I shouldn't be awfulizing, but I already felt he was there for the wrong reasons and just like everything else, there will be a reason it isn't the "right" thing for him. Now, putting all that aside . . . I put my son in HP hands and pray that he finds whatever it is he is looking for or needs to be happy. It is God's will be done, not mine. I put my life in HP hands and pray he takes over the management of my life.
I didn't jump up and down for joy when he left the message about the program. I shouldn't be awfulizing, but I already felt he was there for the wrong reasons and just like everything else, there will be a reason it isn't the "right" thing for him. Now, putting all that aside . . . I put my son in HP hands and pray that he finds whatever it is he is looking for or needs to be happy. It is God's will be done, not mine. I put my life in HP hands and pray he takes over the management of my life.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
JMF: I don't know you and don't know the whole story with your son. But my take is mostly like everybody else's but a little different.
This is a possible crisis in your son's life that you could be willing to have an ongoing conversation about. He may be calling you for help after the 10 days (his form of help would probably be to live with you or hit you up for money). You know he needs more time in rehab, and you could have phone numbers for those places ready. There are places that will take in a 28 YO at no cost (Teen Challenge, Salvation Army) whose programs last for 6 months or longer. Perhaps sometime in the next 10 days your son would give permission for you to talk to his social worker so you can put your heads together and find out what other options are out there for this son of yours.
You see, what i've found is that there is a cycle to the addict's life. Right now your son is in a desperate, scared phase such that he is willing to admit defeat and accept help in a rehab. But the next phase is one where he finds a solution to his problems on his own (he cuts back on his use, he finds an enabler who will let him stay in their home, he finds a job albeit a crummy job, etc). Life will get better for him. Then it will be months (years!) before he hits that phase he's in now of admitting defeat -- only then he will have done that much more damage to his brain with the lifestyle and he will have more social problems than he did before. So my take is to try and intersect in the phase such as your son is in - not to take over and control but rather to influence. Because in the phase of denial, the ego is too puffed up to be able to influence at all.
You are his parent, and everybody needs a parent who knows how to give advice in the right amount and at the right time.
just my take. hope it helps..
This is a possible crisis in your son's life that you could be willing to have an ongoing conversation about. He may be calling you for help after the 10 days (his form of help would probably be to live with you or hit you up for money). You know he needs more time in rehab, and you could have phone numbers for those places ready. There are places that will take in a 28 YO at no cost (Teen Challenge, Salvation Army) whose programs last for 6 months or longer. Perhaps sometime in the next 10 days your son would give permission for you to talk to his social worker so you can put your heads together and find out what other options are out there for this son of yours.
You see, what i've found is that there is a cycle to the addict's life. Right now your son is in a desperate, scared phase such that he is willing to admit defeat and accept help in a rehab. But the next phase is one where he finds a solution to his problems on his own (he cuts back on his use, he finds an enabler who will let him stay in their home, he finds a job albeit a crummy job, etc). Life will get better for him. Then it will be months (years!) before he hits that phase he's in now of admitting defeat -- only then he will have done that much more damage to his brain with the lifestyle and he will have more social problems than he did before. So my take is to try and intersect in the phase such as your son is in - not to take over and control but rather to influence. Because in the phase of denial, the ego is too puffed up to be able to influence at all.
You are his parent, and everybody needs a parent who knows how to give advice in the right amount and at the right time.
just my take. hope it helps..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
He called me.
He called me today. I spoke with him for a few minutes.
I said I didn't think 10 days was very long, he said it is out of his hands and the counselors, psychiatrist, psychologist, etc. make the decision. He said their preliminary plan was for him to leave inpatient next Tuesday and he told them that was too soon. (He hates being homless and living from shelter to shelter. Who wouldn't?!?) They are starting him on Suboxone - that scares the crap out of me, but it isn't is my control - is it?!?!
I also said I could no longer be the bank.
I do appreciate the other options to think about Sojourner, thanks.
I said I didn't think 10 days was very long, he said it is out of his hands and the counselors, psychiatrist, psychologist, etc. make the decision. He said their preliminary plan was for him to leave inpatient next Tuesday and he told them that was too soon. (He hates being homless and living from shelter to shelter. Who wouldn't?!?) They are starting him on Suboxone - that scares the crap out of me, but it isn't is my control - is it?!?!
I also said I could no longer be the bank.
I do appreciate the other options to think about Sojourner, thanks.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
I gotta tell you Sojourner, they give them those options at the 10-day treatment facility. They have more information for the addict there then a parent ever has. Hands off of your son's treatment, program, recovery. He is a grown 28-year-old man. The only thing you can do for him at this "stage" (or any other "stage" of a grown and perfectly able man's life) is to pray for his recovery and turn it over to God.
All this calling around, and suggesting and "putting your head together' with the social worker is not your job as a parent of an addict. You must get out of the way and let him go. If he chooses to do another round of research out there in the field with a codie g/f, that is what he will do. You twitching about the edges of his life will only annoy him and drive you crazy. He has two good hands and access to a phone book, same as you do. Stay out of it for your own sanity.
If you discourage him from going on Suboxone, he will use that as a reason to go back out. ***It won't be true, but he will still use that for the reason, sorry to tell you, being an addict myself. And a codie.
Just to give you a bit of hope, I recovered just fine on a suboxone program coupled with daily NA meetings, step work, a network of recovering friends, and the help of a wonderful sponsor. It was a good experience for me, and I now have over a year clean. We do recover! But not because my Mom wanted me to, because I was done!
Let him do what he needs to do to get done. I'm sorry you're hurting.
Love,
KJ
All this calling around, and suggesting and "putting your head together' with the social worker is not your job as a parent of an addict. You must get out of the way and let him go. If he chooses to do another round of research out there in the field with a codie g/f, that is what he will do. You twitching about the edges of his life will only annoy him and drive you crazy. He has two good hands and access to a phone book, same as you do. Stay out of it for your own sanity.
If you discourage him from going on Suboxone, he will use that as a reason to go back out. ***It won't be true, but he will still use that for the reason, sorry to tell you, being an addict myself. And a codie.
Just to give you a bit of hope, I recovered just fine on a suboxone program coupled with daily NA meetings, step work, a network of recovering friends, and the help of a wonderful sponsor. It was a good experience for me, and I now have over a year clean. We do recover! But not because my Mom wanted me to, because I was done!
Let him do what he needs to do to get done. I'm sorry you're hurting.
Love,
KJ
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Joan. I have also worn myself to pieces worrying whether or not this, that, or the other thing was "right" or was going to "work" or otherwise met my criteria for what I believed my ex needed. What I know is, the more I would talk, the more ammunition I would give him in the end. Sometimes it's best to just do nothing, think nothing, and say nothing.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
kj: you make some very good points.
Maybe another way i can say it is this: That this is a good opportunity, if the son calls the mom asking for help, for the mom to find out what the advice is from the treatment facility/social worker and get on board with that - another voice to echo what the facility is saying. Divide and conquer is a technique that works well for addicts, and so the antidote to that is to capitalize on these situations to let the addict know that "divide and conquer" isn't going to work any more. It is a more proactive approach on the part of the people whom the addict used to "use" in the past. A three-cord rope is not easily broken.
If the son is serious about recovery or not, he'll find a way to accomplish his goals whether mom is involved or not.
Maybe another way i can say it is this: That this is a good opportunity, if the son calls the mom asking for help, for the mom to find out what the advice is from the treatment facility/social worker and get on board with that - another voice to echo what the facility is saying. Divide and conquer is a technique that works well for addicts, and so the antidote to that is to capitalize on these situations to let the addict know that "divide and conquer" isn't going to work any more. It is a more proactive approach on the part of the people whom the addict used to "use" in the past. A three-cord rope is not easily broken.
If the son is serious about recovery or not, he'll find a way to accomplish his goals whether mom is involved or not.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by outtolunch 
Oh Lordy.....money for a Harry Potter Movie....
That's right up there with the 30 something man-child who asked his dad for money for an ice cream.
That's right up there with the 30 something man-child who asked his dad for money for an ice cream.
Sorry to hear about your version of the man-child.....he is a big boy, and if he agrees to go on suboxone, then so be it.
I'm praying for your peace and serenity and sanity during this time!!!!
Hugs, HG
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Location: Upstate New York
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Originally Posted by JMFburns
- Do nothing - no call to him at the number he left, no call to the program and no call to the social worker. Just go on with my day . . . work, go to NarAnon tonight and pray for my AS.
...and with all of the time and energy you would be spending doing any of the others, why not give yourself some kind of fun, de-stressing treat??????...a movie, a dinner out with friends, a spa-day, whatever you really enjoy and is most likely to keep your mind off of his problems!
freya
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