Learning how

Maybe we can never be happy. Those were the words spoken to me last night. Maybe we can't.
I have slowly come to the place where I am doing everything to keep the household running. This is a place I have been in many many times in the past 25 years.
I ... work full time,(and maybe the thats part of the problem, my back is killing from work.) I am the primary income, I carry insurance for myself and kid, I do all the house work, most of the yard work, shoping, banking, etc etc.. I asked for help. Please mow the lawns I have so much to do. We have 3. He mowed 1, and came in saying that he can't mow the lawn with the lawn mower we have as he doesn't "enjoy" using the lawn mower.... didn't I say I would mow the lawns? Blah Blah Blah.... I mowed to other 2 later in the week. It's a stupid thing, mowing the lawns.... but thats not what I'm really upset about it's that I asked for help and got a bad time in response.

So last night I just lost it.... I gave him a ride to get tires for his pickup in the morning , I was late picking him up... I lost my sunglasses and was looking for them. He complained at me all the way across town. He got to work 30 min early. No harm no foul but I made him wait on me for like 20 min. and he was mad. It put me in to sort of a depression.... not these two events but many many events over the last couple or months sort of topped off with these recent events. Its hard to detach when someone is in the car ranting at me. He seems to be nice, polite to other people (fixing things for a person he knows in AA and her Mom, he's nice to AA people) but likes to put me down in front of other people, and is rude to me, but then puts it back on me.....

So now he wants to know if I'm going into menopause and thats why I am so moody. He's been blaming that for like 5 years now... and I'm 47 and no. The point, I guess, of that is that its all my problem. He says I'm Moody, he picks up my mood and it makes him down and thats why he's rude to me.... WHAT ???? I don't communicate with him... In a nut shell it's all me, maybe it is me in that I put out what I want or need, he continues doing what he does... occasionally wraping himself the cloak of AA talking about how he is trying to change.... BUT NOT CHANGING. I guess it is my problem because I continue to engage in this dance. CR@P!!! I know better.

Here's the question in my head after this long rant.... How much effort do I need to keep putting into this? I'm not happy. My youngest leaves for college in August so I will be here alone with this husband person that I don't enjoy being with. I am feeling depressed about the thought.....I have to stay in the here and now. Why do I feel guilty that I don't want to work on this any more? (Maybe that is the real question)

And no he's not drinking..... then it would be easy..er.. line crossed.

Thanks for the place to vent.... I feel better.... I felt better after loosing it last night too.... he says he will change ..... if I had a nickle for each time he's said that...... Any way, this is long, I must focus, get out the hulla hoop, stand in the center I am responsible for the area inside the hoop and only the area in the hoop. I am not going to sit here and be depressed, or line my ducks up to respond to anything he may do or say when he comes home.
Step one.... I'm not sure but I think I need to stop over thinking this I am happy I have somewhere I can get it out sort of like this little guy now I can move on.

Wascally Wabbit

One thing I found is even tho they don't drink, the behavior is still there.
You're doing everything to keep things running in the house. What is he doing?
You ask for help, you NEED help, and you get asked if you're going thru menopause?
This is pure manipulation. Try to get you to feel bad for him.

He said maybe you two can't be happy? Well, maybe YOU can. A's always try to drag others down with them.

Cynay

Good question... not easy to answer but you are the only person who can answer that one. You talked a bit about his bottom..... Tell me, where is your bottom and what lengths will you go to ... to make yourself happy?

TakingCharge999

Hi learning how! oh there have been 3 alcoholics I have known that are the KINDEST PEOPLE EVER ... with total strangers, behind close doors its hell. one was my doctor, he was a neighbor, you would think he was the kindest person on Earth well years later it turned out he hit his wife many times, the screams would wake up their closest neighbors.

Anyway, from all of what you have written........... it seems you are OK with all that....... and you are the strong pillar of the house.

As some others say around here.. "what are you getting out from this relationship?"

blessed4x

(((Learning How))).....all I'm gonna say tonight is thank you for reminding me why I filed for a divorce and got out of the insanity.

My STBXAH (No....I'm STILL not divorced, but should be tomorrow) isn't drinking either, but still our behavior, even when we are briefly together, is crazymaking. I couldn't do it with 4 kids still at home, and with your youngest leaving I can't imagine how you must feel like running for the hills.

Ultimately you have to decide what is best for you. I can tell you from my experience that I have so much more peace now that I am "changing the things I can". People are amazed that I am so calm and serene in the midst of what has been described by even my attorney as a very difficult divorce. It's difficult because STBXAH is doing his level best to make it that way. I can find calm in the middle of this storm because my life with an A was so much more chaotic.

coyote21

You just described this last 11 yr marriage I've been blessed to be out of for around 2 years. At least the last several years of it. It feels sooooo good to be out of that misery.

I will gladly take exactly 50% responsibility for the suckiness of that union. When I was in the thick of it like you are I never dreamed I'd get out alive. The life force was literally being sucked out of me daily. But here I am...gratefully single.

I remember my Mom telling me years ago....after getting out of an alcoholic marriage, that she believed she was done with men. Not in a mean or spiteful, or hateful way, just kind of "matter of factly". She was about my age (56) and now I kind of get it. My "need to breed" has begun to wain, thankfully and I don't know if I feel like making the compromises necessary to sustain a romantic relation ship any longer.

One of my favorite quotes I learned on SR by Abraham Lincoln goes something like "Most men are about as happy as they decide to be". I have found that to be true.

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug
Coyote

olinda1

Learning How,

What you describe is a recipe for major depression -- a "partner' who believes he is entitled to take but not give, whose sense of entitlement, lack of fairness and compassion are breathtaking. Guarantee you that it won't get much better. When a man is that f---d up, even his most sincere effort and desire to "change" is going to only make a small incremental difference, and when it's starting out as bad as this, that won't be enough.

Hope you will decide to leave and seek a true partnership, with mutual respect and love. But whatever you do, be good to yourself. Your soul gets worn down dealing with this day to day slighting of you as a person.

sandrawg

Wow, the whole question he asked, turning things around on you, about "are you on menopause" - that smacks to me of verbal abuse.

I was with a man who verbally abused me for a year (coincidentally, he was a recovering alcoholic). One day he called to tell me about this hot woman he met and had given his email address. When I got mad, cuz we were SUPPOSEDLY in a committed rel'ship, he asked "are you PMS'ing?"

NO of course I wasn't-I was upset over his disrespectful behavior, but it was as if didn't do anythign wrong. Throughout our rel'ship, he never did ANYTHING wrong. It was maddening and i'm so glad I got out. Verbal abuse and mind manipulation can do as much damage as physical abuse.

Learning how

I haven't been able to get back to look at this until yesterday eve. Thanks so much for the support.

I really need to put myself first.

In my head I get this but when things flair up I sort of just hold on for the ride and wait for things to settle down. Its taken me a long to time to ask for help when I am overwhelmed. I have to admit too that after years of hearing the quacking I often can't tell what is real. I read a book about verbal abuse and I am aware that this is what happens in my home. Its awful to say.

I am thinking that when my son leaves I will be here with just my AH and I don't like the idea very much. We did have about a month when we separated about 5 years ago (he stoped drinking at that time) but he just begged, and worked and worked until I gave in and let him come back. I think it was a mistake....

Things are better this week, but.... I've been here before.

Bernadette

with this husband person that I don't enjoy being with.

Learning I know this is not a funny situation but I felt like I could hear your voice saying "this husband person" and I got the giggles and I thought: she just answered her question right there!

Things are better this week, but.... I've been here before.
Well we all know nothing changes if nothing changes. He may change, he may not. What are you willing to LIVE WITH? You, on the other hand, have the power to change in big ways or small - all your choice.

The past is gone. You are free in this moment.

Easy does it and try to find some way to meditate and get away from the weary verbal abuse, and listen for the small voice inside you telling you which way to turn.

peace,
b