How Do You Improve Self Esteem?

Old 07-08-2009, 10:41 AM
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How Do You Improve Self Esteem?

This question seems to be at the root of many issues on this board. People struggling to love themselves enough to get out of bad situations or not enter them in the first place.

So, how do you improve self esteem, self worth, self love and self confidence????
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Old 07-08-2009, 10:54 AM
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What a good question, I wish I knew. Sometimes I think I have improved... I have been working hard on doing things for myself. Funny (read as sad) that I have guilt feelings about doing things for myself that I would totally support if another person said they were doing _____ fill in the blank for themselves.

I have been telling myself that it will get easier if I just keep taking care of me.

I look forward to the responses you get to your question.
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Old 07-08-2009, 11:00 AM
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Thanks! Sandrawg stated something similar, so her post might answer this question too.

I too find that being independent brings a sense of self confidence that I didn't know I had.

When life gets hard(er) how do you get back up on that horse? i.e. when self esteem is depleted? I see people who live through so much and they seem to handle mishaps with grace, courage and determination. I wish that I could be in that mode more often. For me it is a state that I go in and out of, not a permanent state of being. I too am interested in what others write.
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Old 07-08-2009, 11:02 AM
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I think this is an excellent question too. I know my self esteem needs to improve. But when I look back 3 years ago and compare myself to that I have improved. Going through this struggle has actually improved my SE, because I began to figure out who I am. I also try to focus on what I do well...I do a few things very well and am proud of that. I acknowledge when I try something that is hard for me, and give myself a pat on the back. I remember that my HP does not create junk...therefore I am special.

I look forward to all the responses.
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Old 07-08-2009, 07:29 PM
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I believe that we get so caught up in the tornado of their addictions, that we spin around with them for so long that we become worn out, and lose ourselves, and our self esteem to their addiction.
It's like the aa and alanon slogan says, "My life became unmanagable".

So, where do you go to get a new and improved self esteem?
Why you step out of the tornado, that's how. You start believing you're better than the addiction.
You make up your mind that you no longer want chaos and despair, you want peace and happiness, then you do what ever it is you have to do to get it.
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Old 07-08-2009, 08:33 PM
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Stepping out of the tornado was only part of it for me. A big part, sure, but only the beginning.

I worked with a counselor who helped me set goals that I could accomplish. He literally sat me down and asked:
What would make you feel proud of yourself if you did them?
What specific things would make you feel like you were a strong, confident, self-sufficient woman if you did them?
What do you admire in other women -- or are jealous of -- and wish that you yourself had?
When you get old, and you look back on your life, what do you want to be SURE you accomplished in the time you had here?

He helped me to set up concrete goals, with small, measurable steps to get to them. The rationale was that putting my mind to something I was passionate about, and then attaining it, would build my self-esteem one small block at a time.

I didn't believe it would work. I thought my self esteem would take much more than that to build.

I was wrong. I wanted things like a home of my own, a degree in a field I was crazy about, an art form I'd gotten good enough at to sell my work, the ability to donate a needed skill to my community, the strength to say "no, I don't want that" to anyone in my life and follow through, and many more small (and big) things.

And the more I chalked these things up, the more I looked at myself in the mirror and felt respect. It was like that line in the Walt Whitman poem that says, "I am larger, better than I thought. I did not know I held so much goodness." (Song of the Open Road, from Leaves of Grass)

And again, at the risk of sounding like a broken record here, Martha Beck's book (audio set, really) of The Joy Diet was a day-to-day road map for me to do this, and it's one I still use several times a year to stay on track with maintaining healthy self-esteem.

Do you have a counselor, missfixit? Can you put them to work on this specific issue -- with concrete suggestions for working on it, not just philosophy? Made all the difference in the world with me -- ALL the difference.

((((( MissFixit )))))

p.s. -- staying away from all people who sought to break down my self-esteem to build themselves up -- everyone, including family -- was a fundamental part of this too. They all had to learn how to knock that off, or they were out. Starting with my X.
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Old 07-08-2009, 08:36 PM
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Good question!

I believe it has to do with HP, when you realize you were given the gift of life, and you are loved regardless of all your mistakes.

When you stop conditioning the love you give yourself.

I also flirt with sanity and health, then step out, then step in.. I wish I could make sanity my permanent residence!
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Old 07-08-2009, 09:03 PM
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Well, I didn't go about it in quite the organized, planned out way that GL did, but essentially it was the same.

Doing things that I never thought I could. Jump starting my car when I left the door ajar and the battery went dead. Putting a new shower head in my bathroom. Changing the locks on my doors. Splitting kindling for the woodstove. Signing up for classes--ballroom dancing, creative writing, how to start a business. I could probably list hundreds of things I've done over the past three years that I never thought I would or could do. This year, me and the kids installed a paver patio in the backyard. Whew, what a project! But, it's also the little things like eating healthy and remembering to drink enough water every day.

In short, I would say it's a combination of taking care of myself, and pushing myself to do things that seem tough or scary. I still get anxiety when I contemplate a new project that I've never done before. But, I've learned to "feel the fear and do it anyway." It's an amazing feeling when it's done!

L

P.S. I like to call it 'self-worth' just because it seems less superficial to me than 'esteem.'
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Old 07-08-2009, 10:18 PM
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What a great bunch of answers.... I agree with all of them.

I originally worked on general (not relationship related) self-esteem issues in my early 20s in therapy (I'm now 45), and one thing that really helped me, though it sounds simple, was to locate myself properly on the spectrum of humanity -- to stop comparing myself to others in a really skewed and unrealistic and ever so f--ked up way. Everyone else was great, perfect, and I was just this little piece of dust, right? Oh my god, I was awful, so awful that if I was late paying a bill or lost a library book I felt roughly in the league of a murderer (thanks, crazy family upbringing).

My first step toward self-love was to start viewing others with more objectivity. Soon I began to see that despite my shortcomings and failures (which I had exaggerated beyond all belief, like I didn't get into an Ivy League college so I was scum, etc.; because of course the flip side of low self-esteem is a strange narcissism ) I did deserve to be included in humankind. In some areas I was average (which was okay!); in some I was below average, and in some I was clearly above average. Internalizing that lesson allowed me to feel a part of the brotherhood of man and not alienated or ashamed anymore. After that, I could feel regret at failure, but it could no longer make me feel unworthy.

I knew in my heart what I liked about myself, and I think we all do, though many of us are afraid to say it or own it.

Also, I admire Eleanor Roosevelt's advice especially as she was someone who began life with HORRIBLE self-esteem: "You must do the thing you think you cannot do." Challenging yourself by pushing your comfort zone and risking failure.

On the more superficial level, I firmly believe in buying new makeup and working out and getting manicures. It ALWAYS makes you feel better to invest in YOU.
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Old 07-09-2009, 03:53 AM
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Wow. It seems like eveyone here has that issue or has dealt with it.

On paper I sound great, but my self worth (I agree with LTD that the term self worth is more substantive) is shaky. There are many people in the world I don't give a .... about what they think of me, but the chosen few whom I love (family, the ex at one time) I get dependent on what they think of me to define my value as a person. Intellectually I see this, but only after emotionally going through the wringer.

This was not such a problem in life when I wasn't around my family. However, I do think I replaced family's approval/love of me with my ex's love/approval of me. Ex is gone and family disapproves of me, so I am left feeling unworthy of love and this causes lowered self worth. Ahh, the ligthbulb goes off.

I am interested in what others do to improve their self worth and how they maintain it.
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Old 07-09-2009, 04:34 AM
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I was raised a Catholic, became an athiest after having had religion shoved down my throat for years, returned to church on Sundays once I was pregnant and getting abused by my AH, went to Al-Anon and came to believe in a higher power that was not 'up there' somewhere but had a direct interest in ME. Journalling about Step 2 and 3 helped me a great deal with my self esteem. I see my HP as a parent who gives me unconditional love even when my choices are poor, or I make mistakes.
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Old 07-09-2009, 06:28 AM
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For me, I find that self-esteem/self-worth is inextricably linked with self-trust. Much like we are always saying to look at the A's actions not his words, I find the same to be true of myself. I might believe and say I love myself, but my actions need to be in line with that thinking for it to count for squat. I earn my self-trust by:

- enforcing my boundaries (lets me know I am "safe" with me)
- taking good care of myself: physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, environmentally, and spiritually (lets me know I will be "good" to me)
- honoring my commitments to myself (lets me know I can rely on me)

It's funny, I could be so mad at my ex for not doing these things for me, but not at myself for often failing to do them. What madness!!

at2
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Old 07-09-2009, 06:33 AM
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Missfixit, I'm interested in what you said about "family disapproves of me". Are you talking about your family or your Ex's? And if it is yours, why do you think they disapprove of you? (it doesn't have to be true or rational) And are you 100% sure this is true?

I cannot be around people who disapprove of me -- I KNOW I'm a good person, and I'm not interested in subjecting myself to anyone's small-minded judgment any more. I could not thrive in an environment like that, constantly battling, which is why I live far away from my family of origin. And why I've constructed my own "family of preference" where I live. That helps my self-worth a lot.........getting out of the poison.
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Old 07-09-2009, 03:06 PM
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Hey Give Love,

The disaproval by family is that I never seem to make the "right" choices. The result is either being ignored or harshly criticized for whatever the given choice is. For example where to work, where to live, whom to date (Dad actually loved the ex until last fall and now keeps asking what is wrong with me to have dated him. Didn't I respect or love myself???? Uh, guess not. Thanks). My choice for going to school was a waste of time, my choice of cosmetics are too costly, blah blah blah.

If I EVER returned that criticism then watch out, beacuse my Dad is ready to fight. Did I mention that I am the oldest of two daughters raised alone by my father who had PTSD and MAJOR anger issues from Vietnam? He is actually a nice and intelligent man to others, but at home he can be scary. With all that I love him very much and appreciate all that he has done for me...strange, contradictions, yes.

I feel/can see that I have moved from feeling abused by my ex to feeling abused by my father. Not physically, but mentally/verbally/emotionally. I see it and have tried to call him out on it. Bad idea. I see it as the root of many of my self esteem issues as a child (and now as an adult), but know that I am the one in control of that. He is not. Distance helps in our relationship and right now there is very little. He observes and criticizes me each day...????
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Old 07-09-2009, 03:12 PM
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My heart is just breaking for you, because it is JUST like what I went through when I was younger. I didn't see until much, much later how much damage that had done to me. And I'm so glad you're here talking it out.

How much longer do you have to be there? Do you have to be there at all, or is it just easier/cheaper? Do you depend on them financially? Any way you can get out from under that weight, so that your decisions are your decisions, and to heck with them?

I hate for someone nice like you -- or anyone else, really -- to suffer as I did.

You cannot change him. But you can get away from him, and you can do it in a way that preserves the good parts of your relationship.
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Old 07-09-2009, 03:25 PM
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Probably the thing I did that had the single highest impact on my self esteem was an exercise where I had to do something nice for random people (including those close to me) for thirty days, once a day, and if I get caught it doesn't count.

It was easy to do nice things for people, not "getting caught" or telling anyone nearly broke my brain and indelibly changed me forever and gave me a much clearer picture of what I did and why, and what my motives were for "being nice" to people.

How it was explained to me was if I wanted good self esteem, I needed to do "esteemable acts' but before I could do those, I needed to learn what that really meant, "esteemable acts' that I derive a gain from aren't esteemable.

It really made a vast difference.

PS I also agree with GL, the other thing I need to do is stay away from people that tear me down, because eventually I believe them.
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Old 07-09-2009, 03:43 PM
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Thanks.

I am sorry that you had to experience something like this too. It stinks. I read about the kids of A's and all that does to their self worth and I feel like it isn't just A parents that do that. Dad has the anger and hurtful words of an active A and mom has the emotional childlike quality of and active A. A behaviors without the A!

I don't have to be here at all. It is the cheapest thing right now. I hopefully will be out within the next month. Although, I fear saying that as "each time I think I am out, they pull me back in (The Godfather)."
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Old 07-09-2009, 03:45 PM
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Start small. Volunteer your time and talents to a local organization to help people that need help. (we're all pretty experienced in the giving department) - Our part of the country had a flood a few years back, and needed people to fill sandbags and help with debris clean up... stuff like that can be of such great medicine for us with fragile self-esteem.

By helping others, you feel good about yourself.

Set yourself some goals, and tackle them. It's a great feeling, like La Tee Dah said.
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Old 07-09-2009, 04:56 PM
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Gosh. Thanks for all the responses. I really didn't mean this post to be about me, but rather everyone's tactics for building self worth.

Volunteerism sounds like a good thing to do even if it starts out small.
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Old 07-09-2009, 05:47 PM
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But part of building self-worth IS removing ourselves from the constant beatdown of people telling us daily we're unfit, unworthy, etc. So yours was a great example of how one might build self-worth by stopping the constant waterboarding of emotional abuse. Volunteering helped me a lot as well
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