whyamistaying

Please don't judge me and I feel horrible even putting this out there, but I need support.

Yesterday night I found jewelry hidden. It was my parents. I returned the jewelry to my parents. Tonight I asked AH why he had my parents' jewelry. He wouldn't admit it and then said it was a long time ago. Then, finally admitted it was last Thurs when we were swimming at their house.

He hadn't sold anything yet and told me he felt horrible the next day when he saw my dad's initials on one of the rings. That he was going to return it. But he didn't b/c he was there 2 days later.

He has now been out of rehab for 3 months. I asked him when this was going to end. Was this his bottom? He said he doesn't know when his bottom will be and when he will stop, but he won't steal.

So I said, You admit you can't drink beer but you won't do anything about it. He said the only way is to work the steps b/c he is going nowhere fast.

I get the feeling this isn't it though. I need reassurance I was right by not convering it up by just returning the jewelry without my parents knowing, right?

I guess I want to make sure I am doing the right thing. He has 2 DUIs and has a guy who is driving him to work since there are no buses so early. He wants a ride home too so I told him to use his lunch money to pay the driver and he packs his lunch. So he was telling me he doesn't have money for beer and that is why he took it. Not as an excuse, but because he needs to buy beer and no funds to get it. So now I feel guilty that it was b/c of me setting that boundary that he did that.

Please don't judge me or say mean things.

sandrawg

What do you mean "don't say mean things"? What do you consider mean?

Do you consider, asking you why on earth you tolerate this behavior as mean? Cuz I'm sorry, I have to ask it.

I hear so much self-blame in your post, too. Your husband just did somethign really horrible. He STOLE from your parents. And yet, you're blaming yourself?

You said "So now I feel guilty that it was b/c of me setting that boundary that he did that."

Huh??????

You cut off his money for beer. He chose to then, steal to get the money for his beer. Stealing, is wrong. So, how is this your fault? It's well within your right to say, it's my money, you can't have it if you're gonna buy beer with it. No one forced him to steal-it was his choice-but this is typical alcoholic behavior to deflect responsibility for one's own actions onto someone else.

Why you're standing there as a whipping post, letting this guilt and shame pour on your like dirty laundry, I have no idea.

I'm sorry, sweetie, I think your self-esteem has been beaten down to a pulp by living with this man, and I would say, that alone is a good answer to the question you ask with your very screenname, which is "whyamistaying."

whyamistaying

By "mean" I mean I'm not interested in being attacked personally.

Oddly enough, if I gave him $500 it would still lead into trouble. So I know it isn't about the money. I just feel really out there b/c this is uncharted territory for me. I told a friend and she said she would have returned the jewelry after finding out none was missing without telling my parents. I was just feeling "iffy"--not a good word, but it is late and I am tired.

I told my parents everything and returned it and when I found out when he did it, I told them too. They do not want to see him and he is not welcome in their house until he (this is their boundary) apologizes and does 60 days of AA.

I know he needs to get consequences and this would be one. But when asked why I didn't just return it w/out making a fuss to my parents, then it got me wondering if I did the right thing. I know I did the right thing in my heart, I just needed reassurance.

I have a family law atty referral and am going to set up a time to meet with him. The kids and I go swimming over at my parents a lot and we will continue to do so without him.

Crazy4Him

The worst thing you can do is protect him, you did the right thing. I just filed a report with HR because my ex is harassing me at work. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do and makes me sick to my stomach. I understand that feeling of betrayal or feeling like you've done something wrong to reveal their flaws to others. Sometimes I still have second thoughts about the HR thing because I'm still not completely healed over this but I'm done protecting him. I'm also done taking his blame and being his emotional punching bag.

Are you?

I'm sorry but you gotta wake up. Staying with him after he's done something like this only shows him that he can do it again-- and worse. You are teaching him how to treat you.

But, yes, you absolutely did the right thing by telling your parents. He needs to take responsibility for his actions, he is a grown man, not a child. Do not protect him. Not ever! You did the right thing!

Crazy4Him

Not trying to attack you. If I came off hostile that wasn't my intention. I just know when I first started coming here I didn't want to hear the truth either, and that's why I stayed with a man who was no where near worthy of my time for so long. My self esteem was whittled down to nothing. Sugar coating this situation isn't going to help you anymore than it's going to help him. Please try treat your own health with as much thoughtfulness and dedication as you treat his.

Seren

What your husband did was really bad! Is what you did wrong? Well, your folks have their belongings back.....but your husband did not suffer any consequences of his addict actions -- therefore, you have made a classic enabling move. You protected your husband from trouble.

Is it your fault that he has no money for his beer? NO
Is it your fault that he stole from your parents? NO, NO, NO
Is it your fault that he did not suffer the consequences of his thieving actions? Well.....

I'm certainly not ready to "be mean" to you because of this. I'm so sorry for what you are experiencing and I'm sending extra hugs.

HG

Pelican

You are putting your friends here, who care about you, in an akward position. You are asking us for validation of your actions, seeking our approval. If you really wanted our opinion of the situation (theft from your parents) you would have asked as soon as you discovered the situation. You would have been free to "take what you wanted and leave the rest."

You handled the situation the best way you knew how to at the time. Now you are second guessing yourself? Instead of second guessing yourself, and seeking validation; maybe you should ask yourself why you are still obsessing about this situation. You did not steal the jewelry, you did not lie about stealing the jewelry. These are the actions of your AH. He owns this, not you.

After the fact, you are questioning your actions. We can point out from our experience how your involvement in his situation reminds us of codie behavior and how it has failed to improve our own situations. That may seem harsh, but it is honest sharing from people who care about you.

Now that you are aware of the theft, the lying, his addiction, etc., are you willing to acknowledge that you are powerless over his addiction to alcohol?

Are you aware that your children are indeed aware that their dad has a problem and their mom has a problem with dad? The children's grandparents are refusing to allow their dad into their home. They are very aware of a problem! Are you ready to acknowledge they are powerless over his addiction, too?

naive

hi there-

tough spot. i feel you did the right thing informing your parents. afterall, he stole from them and it is their decision how to handle it. they set their boundary: 60 days sober before he might be able to return. it's not your fault. it's between them really.

in the meantime, enjoy the pool with your kids! at least it is now a place you can go and relax without drama.

you might want to take a few steps to protect yourself. if he is going to steal for beer money, it might be wise to take your valuables and put them in a security deposit box or somewhere safe. to be prepared is to be prepared!

take care,
naive

totfit

Get rid of him and move on. That is unless you are willing to tolerate a "lot" more of this behaviour. Sounds as if he is nowhere near ready to change. Might be the best thing for both of you.l

LaTeeDa

Words: I won't steal. I need to work the steps. Quack, quack, quack.

Actions: Two DUI's, 90 days out of rehab and still drinking, and now theft.

When I listened to the words, I got pain, disappointment, and frustration. When I started 'listening' to the actions, I realized that alcoholism is progressive. It only gets worse. The DUI's did not stop him. Rehab did not stop him. Do you really think getting caught stealing will stop him? What will be next? How long are you willing to wait for him to mean what he says?

I told my AH I was going to leave because of his drinking. I told him that for years. I never took any action. When I finally left, he was shocked. He never believed me because all I ever did was talk.

Actions speak louder than words.

L

laurie6781

This is not to be 'mean' to you.

I will not say you did the right thing. Absolutely not.

At this point the right thing was to stop thinking about "your embarrassment", sit down with your folks (who I am sure will support you in every way they can), tell them the whole story of what has been going on and then have said,

"and now he has resorted to stealing. Here is your jewelry back that I found at our house."

Once again, what consequences for his actions?

You know what you need to do for you and the children, and when are you setting up this appointment with the family law attorney?

I am sorry, but you are keeping your children in a situation that is teaching them more negatives every day than positives.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

JenT1968

this lunchtime I read some of the desperate emails i have written to myself over the YEARS. There are some 100 of them I think. They detail my confusion, my despair, my constant struggle to make sense of it all: to reconcile the lies that I was told with the things that I could see and make it all fit in a nice neat, good, healthy relationship.

I spent years trying to reconcile the following logic problem:

He says X, but my experience is Y
X and Y cannot both be True

Whilst also desperately wanting to believe that my husband would not lie to or manipulate me.

The only solution I could come up with therefore was that I was faulty, I was percieving things "wrongly", things were not as I saw them. So I tried to adjust my view of the world, repeatedly to try and reconcile each new insane situation with the words. Finally, I hadn't a clue which way was up.

Reading those posts showed me that I have waited and hoped and believed that my H would stop drinking, endured horrible, horrible situations, whilst trying to raise and protect my children and maintain a relationship with an addict for years. And all that time yo-yo-ing, not trusting my feelings, eventually not recognising or knowing my feelings or the truth: was he an alcoholic? was I a horrible, controlling, over-sensitive, manipulative, unreasonable, shrill, moody, high-maintenence, arrogant, destructive, abusive, uncaring fish-wife* who should get over it and chill.

I forgot how many times he admitted he was an alcoholic, how he cried, how he was depressed, how he asked for help, how he still drank, how he blamed me, how I tried to work on myself by seeing if I was at fault and castigating and berrating myself for things that were not my mistakes, because my reality was significantly distorted. Whirling and worrying and firefighting to the point of exhaustion.

Reading my emails now, I am shocked that I put up with so much, I keep forgetting you see, I can only really see the bad from a distance, as if it happened to someone else. Why did I put up with all of that? How did I put up with all of that? I've had a big old cry for me then.

I don't live with my husband anymore, for me that has been a life-enhancing space to breath. What do you need in order to breath and be still and just get some rest and a chance for some perspective, and hell, some FUN?

*apologies to the noble women of fishing families everywhere

JenT1968

just to be clear, I read your post to mean that you HAVE told your parents. You didn't cover up for him, but a friend now has you second guessing yourself because they said you should have returned it without them knowing.

Am I right?

If so I do think you did the right thing. Not that my opinion matters: yours does. Your parents deserve to know that someone stole from them, and they have put a good boundary in place.

Being in the thick of this madness hurts and I wish you some peace and happiness.

benham

What would you have done if you found some random guy on the street with what looked like your parents' jewelry, and you knew without a doubt that it belonged to your parents? I don't know about you, but I would call the police immediately! Theft has taken place!
There are a lot of things that I know my wife would NEVER do, but an alcoholic would do them without blinking an eye. My wife is a good person, but I have no qualms about calling the police on my alcoholic.

I personally don't like the idea of boundaries. For me, it puts my focus on my wife and what she is/isn't doing. At the risk of giving the same thing a different name, I call my things "internal guidelines". I think to myself, "What would a healthy person do if a stranger did the exact same action that my alcoholic wife just committed?" For me, the focus is back on me and how I will respond and not checking to see if she crosses a boundary or not. I put the "stranger scenario" at the beginning so you could see an example of what I think a healthy person would do in that situation.
Don't beat yourself up! You are learning how to deal with a recovering alcoholic who may or may not be actually recovering. Guess what, who cares? How are you doing in your recovery? Focus on yourself and let him make whatever choices he wants. He is a thinking, breathing human being and has the free will to do whatever. You are also a worthy human being that can respond to his actions like a healthy person would!

WWHPD - What Would your Higher Power Do?
WWHPD - What Would a Healthy Person Do?


Act as if you are a healthy person, and you will find it easier and easier to be healthy.

whyamistaying

That is exactly how I feel. Thank you for saying it better. It is like your heart and gut tell you and you "know" it is right, but then there is a part of you that is still in denial. You don't want to believe this is happening. The man you married. I was trying to grasp at straws.

whyamistaying

Seroiusly asking, how did I enable him though? I didn't tell my dad not to file a police report. I told my dad if he wasn't going to confront him that I was going to. My dad said he wanted to give AH the benefit of the doubt that it happened before rehab.

I guess I should have had AH return it, but when I found it I just knew I had to keep it safe.

whyamistaying

About the being "mean" part. There was an incident a couple of days ago on here where someone attacked me. I am sorry if it came off as don't tell me the truth or experiences.

My feelings were raw and still are. I am married to a thief. I can't believe I am married to a thief. I am trash. I am in tears over this. And tears don't solve this problem. The life I thought I had I don't. I know this isn't good. I don't want to believe it. I know I am powerless over alcohol. I know my parents are. I know I can't control him. I can only control myself. I know this. I really do.

I am embarassed that everyone knows this. That I married to a "loser".

So I am codependent for staying? I mean that question sincerely? I think I am seeing that now. I thought I was doing good, but not good enough. So I need to kick him out b/c he stole from my parents.

Legally, there is a problem with kicking him out first. I need to file paperwork first for divorce before kicking him out. Last time I kicked him out (the week before rehab), his mother was trying to get him to transfer property he owns out of his name so I don't get it. So if I kick him out without paperwork, he will go to her house. She will then start having him sign over deeds to the 2 properties that are in his name. I have already consulted with an atty about this part.

I worry about the kids and obviously his standards are low. What will stop him if he gets visitation and meets a new person with lower standards and my kids are around that?

Okay, so I need to kick him out or I am being codependent? Is that the consensus? I do value everyone's opinion here.

whyamistaying

Yes, I did tell my parents. With his first DUI I didn't tell them. When he got his second DUI about 6 months later, I told them. I told them everything. That was in 2/09. I found the jewelry and told my parents. I told where I found it and gave my keys back to their house. Last night after talking to AH, I called my dad and told him when AH says he stole it and that he says he didn't sell anything. That is when my dad set the boundary.

sandrawg

I've read your posts-I don't get the sense anyone here is attacking you personally. I've been on this forum long enough to know, no one here is mean like that.

You may be interpreting concerned criticism of your actions as "mean."

I have to ask you..do you love yourself??

Do you care about your own wellbeing?

Do you know what the effects of the stress of your lifestyle with this man must be doing ot your health, whether you recognize it or not?

I posted something about self-love. Please read it.

I decided this morning, it boils down to self-love for me. I love myself WAY too much to keep dealing with the stress my xabf's behavior was causing me.

I want and deserve a much better life. I sure hope you come to that point, too. A better life maybe not for you, if you can't see your own worth, then maybe for your kids...???

Seren

My apologies madam, I misread this sentence to be that you HAD returned the jewelry without your parents knowing......

I do hope your husband finds true recovery soon!

Hugs and prayers, HG