wow, I wrote this ages ago, re: loving oneself
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wow, I wrote this ages ago, re: loving oneself
So funny-well not ha ha funny, but...I wrote this MySpace blog ages ago. LOng before I realized my axbf had a problem.
It's a little long, but I dug it up to post it, thinking that sharing my thoughts might be helpful to someone??
______
"In order to love others, you must first love yourself."
My ex-husband used to tell me this all the time.
I'm wondering--do you believe it? And what does it mean to you?
I do believe it. In my opinion, if you love yourself above all others,
love will naturally flow to you. And there are many reasons why:
1) if you don't love yourself, then you don't see yourself as
inherently love-able. Therefore, if someone does love you, you are
unable to accept their love. You may not trust that they really do
care for you. Therefore, every gesture, every act of love they bestow
upon you - you will be fundamentally unable to accept it. This causes
a lot of pain to the other person.
2) If you don't love yourself, then you don't think you deserve to be
treated well. If you believe you don't deserve to be treated well,
then you will tolerate abuse, manipulation, torture, and truly painful
relationships. You will not be an advocate for yourself in any
relationship. You will not be able to set boundaries. You will not be
able to communicate to the other person your wants and needs.
Therefore, your wants and needs will never be met. Your life will be
a wasted one of unhappiness and pain. That pain will be transferred to
others.
3) If you don't love yourself, you're more likely to engage in
self-destructive, self-sabotaging behavior.
Don't be fooled-just because something is SELF-destructive doesn't
mean it's not also OTHER-destructive.
When you hurt yourself, you hurt every single person who loves you.
Ever watch the A&E show Intervention?
Every show, a group of therapists and addiction specialists guide the
family and friends of someone who's suffering from some addiction or
self-sabotaging behavior to perform an intevention to convince the
person to get help. Cokeheads...dope
fiends...alcoholics...anorexics...anyone who's destroying themselves
with drugs or harmful behavior could be the focus of any particular
episode.
The show is eye-opening--it shines a bright light on the unspeakable
pain that families and friends endure as they watch their loved one
basically commit suicide right before their eyes. The intervention is
usually a last-ditch, desperate attempt to get the addict/alcoholic in
the family to seek help.
Alcoholics and addicts may seem like weak people. But I spent a lot of
time going to AA meetings when I was dating a recovering alcoholic,
just to be supportive, and I met a lot of them. They are some of the
strongest people I know. Sometimes it takes amazing strength to endure
what they have, and to get clean.
Alcoholism and addiction are not character problems-they're brain
problems. If you've ever seen drug experiments on rats and mice,
you'll understand this. When researchers give mice or rats addictive
substances, the animals will forego everything--food, nurturing,
companionship-in pursuit of the addictive substance. Nothing stops
them. Not malnourishment. Not illness. They will seek and consume that
substance until they are dead.
Some people can take a bump of coke, or drink a lot of beer, and never
get addicted. It's an odd quirk of nature. Addicts are just wired
differently--some of them drank their first beer when they were just
kids. They were just experimenting-they weren't trying to escape from
anything or drown their sorrows. But because of the fate of their
genetic dispositions, their drug or alcohol use gradually became a
problem.
It may not even be an obvious addiction. There are alcoholics who
don't drink every day-they may only binge drink from time to time.
Alcoholism is often called a "progressive" disease, though. It can
progress from a few beers here and there, to binge drinking, to
eventually, daily drinking in isolation - the type that's often hidden
due to the social stigma of the disease. One thing AA teaches about
alcoholism is that, if left untreated, it eventually progresses to
mortality.
Some people seem to be able to drink, or do coke or even heroin on a
purely occasional basis, but when pressured to quit, they realize they
can't. How do you define an alcoholic or addict? Specifically, if
someone can't quit for any lengthy period of time...if they feel they
"need" the drug...or if someone is risking losing their job, their
health, or their relationships to get high-that's a sign of a serious
problem.
When you love an addict, it's one of the most frustrating, painful
experiences. I've talked to spouses and significant others of addicts
and alcoholics at AA meetings. Loving an addict does a number on you.
An addict may not be a bad person. But to keep getting the drug and/or
to hide their addiction, he/she will become a different person.
Addicts lie..manipulate...twist and distort reality. Like hurricanes,
they leave a wake of destruction in their path.
It is not easy to love an addict. You sometimes think you're going
crazy. You question reality. People become "codependent", as they
desperately try to rescue the addict/alcoholic. They cover for the
addict's negligent behavior and lies. They clean up the addict's
messes, often at the expense of their own health, social life,
activities, and responsibilities.
You can try compassion. You can try anger. Many people who love
addicts try both--many have done anything and would do anything to try
to get help for the addict. But here's what I learned in AA. You
cannot "save" an addict who does not want to be saved, especially if
he does not even acknowledge his problem. In AA, they say "denial is
not just a river in Egypt." I've often thought that addiction is
worse than cancer, because when someone has cancer, nobody can deny
it.
There is nothing anyone can do but the addict himself, and not until
he/she is ready. The addict has to want to get clean, for himself-to
be healthy. For the addict, it can take an ENORMOUS amount of
self-love to shirk the drug/alcohol monkey's death grip off his back.
If the self-love isn't there, the addict is told in AA to "fake it til
you make it." Believe it..believe that you deserve a healthy,
fulfilling, positive life, and it can come true.
But addiction is a powerful, terrible cycle of self-hatred.
Self-hatred leads to drug/alcohol use...the damages caused by
excessive drug/alcohol use leads to shame and more self-hatred...which
leads to more drinking and using...without help, this cycle is
impossible to escape.
As for the codependent...
The philosophy in AA and in other addiction circles is for
codependents to detach from the untreated addict, for their own
health, and hopefully for the good of the addict. It can be so painful
and difficult for someone who loves an addict to do this, though. It
feels like abandonment. But often, it's the only choice, for the
health of all parties involved.
The idea of detachment is to let the addict experience the
consequences of their actions, because the painful consequences of
using have to be greater than the perceived painful consequences of
getting clean. Often, the only thing that works is to let the addict
"hit bottom"...to withdraw attention...to kick them out of the
home...to refuse to clean up their messes...maybe even ultimately to
let go...as painful and hard as it may be, so they can experience the
harmful consequences of their behavior, which leads them to seek help.
During the intervention, family members are encouraged to tell the
addict, "If you don't accept this offer of help, I will have no choice
but to break all contact with you."
Sometimes the stories on Intervention end on a positive note. The
intervention subject goes to rehab and eventually stays clean...they
try to rebuild the pieces of their shattered lives and experience joy
and closeness with their loved ones again. Because ultimately, this is
all the family and friends want--they want the addict to get clean,
not for them, but for himself.
Sometimes the addict is so full of self-loathing and so bent on
destruction, that the family has no choice. They have to walk away
with broken hearts and broken dreams and unfulfilled hopes.
What is love?
I think true love means investing everything--being willing to
sacrifice anything, other than your self (because you have to love
yourself first and foremost)-for the health and well-being of the one
you love, even if that sometimes means detaching..walking away from
them...even ultimately sacrificing your relationship with that person.
Because alcoholism and addictive are so destructive, walking away can
be an act of of both self-love and love for the addict.
It's a little long, but I dug it up to post it, thinking that sharing my thoughts might be helpful to someone??
______
"In order to love others, you must first love yourself."
My ex-husband used to tell me this all the time.
I'm wondering--do you believe it? And what does it mean to you?
I do believe it. In my opinion, if you love yourself above all others,
love will naturally flow to you. And there are many reasons why:
1) if you don't love yourself, then you don't see yourself as
inherently love-able. Therefore, if someone does love you, you are
unable to accept their love. You may not trust that they really do
care for you. Therefore, every gesture, every act of love they bestow
upon you - you will be fundamentally unable to accept it. This causes
a lot of pain to the other person.
2) If you don't love yourself, then you don't think you deserve to be
treated well. If you believe you don't deserve to be treated well,
then you will tolerate abuse, manipulation, torture, and truly painful
relationships. You will not be an advocate for yourself in any
relationship. You will not be able to set boundaries. You will not be
able to communicate to the other person your wants and needs.
Therefore, your wants and needs will never be met. Your life will be
a wasted one of unhappiness and pain. That pain will be transferred to
others.
3) If you don't love yourself, you're more likely to engage in
self-destructive, self-sabotaging behavior.
Don't be fooled-just because something is SELF-destructive doesn't
mean it's not also OTHER-destructive.
When you hurt yourself, you hurt every single person who loves you.
Ever watch the A&E show Intervention?
Every show, a group of therapists and addiction specialists guide the
family and friends of someone who's suffering from some addiction or
self-sabotaging behavior to perform an intevention to convince the
person to get help. Cokeheads...dope
fiends...alcoholics...anorexics...anyone who's destroying themselves
with drugs or harmful behavior could be the focus of any particular
episode.
The show is eye-opening--it shines a bright light on the unspeakable
pain that families and friends endure as they watch their loved one
basically commit suicide right before their eyes. The intervention is
usually a last-ditch, desperate attempt to get the addict/alcoholic in
the family to seek help.
Alcoholics and addicts may seem like weak people. But I spent a lot of
time going to AA meetings when I was dating a recovering alcoholic,
just to be supportive, and I met a lot of them. They are some of the
strongest people I know. Sometimes it takes amazing strength to endure
what they have, and to get clean.
Alcoholism and addiction are not character problems-they're brain
problems. If you've ever seen drug experiments on rats and mice,
you'll understand this. When researchers give mice or rats addictive
substances, the animals will forego everything--food, nurturing,
companionship-in pursuit of the addictive substance. Nothing stops
them. Not malnourishment. Not illness. They will seek and consume that
substance until they are dead.
Some people can take a bump of coke, or drink a lot of beer, and never
get addicted. It's an odd quirk of nature. Addicts are just wired
differently--some of them drank their first beer when they were just
kids. They were just experimenting-they weren't trying to escape from
anything or drown their sorrows. But because of the fate of their
genetic dispositions, their drug or alcohol use gradually became a
problem.
It may not even be an obvious addiction. There are alcoholics who
don't drink every day-they may only binge drink from time to time.
Alcoholism is often called a "progressive" disease, though. It can
progress from a few beers here and there, to binge drinking, to
eventually, daily drinking in isolation - the type that's often hidden
due to the social stigma of the disease. One thing AA teaches about
alcoholism is that, if left untreated, it eventually progresses to
mortality.
Some people seem to be able to drink, or do coke or even heroin on a
purely occasional basis, but when pressured to quit, they realize they
can't. How do you define an alcoholic or addict? Specifically, if
someone can't quit for any lengthy period of time...if they feel they
"need" the drug...or if someone is risking losing their job, their
health, or their relationships to get high-that's a sign of a serious
problem.
When you love an addict, it's one of the most frustrating, painful
experiences. I've talked to spouses and significant others of addicts
and alcoholics at AA meetings. Loving an addict does a number on you.
An addict may not be a bad person. But to keep getting the drug and/or
to hide their addiction, he/she will become a different person.
Addicts lie..manipulate...twist and distort reality. Like hurricanes,
they leave a wake of destruction in their path.
It is not easy to love an addict. You sometimes think you're going
crazy. You question reality. People become "codependent", as they
desperately try to rescue the addict/alcoholic. They cover for the
addict's negligent behavior and lies. They clean up the addict's
messes, often at the expense of their own health, social life,
activities, and responsibilities.
You can try compassion. You can try anger. Many people who love
addicts try both--many have done anything and would do anything to try
to get help for the addict. But here's what I learned in AA. You
cannot "save" an addict who does not want to be saved, especially if
he does not even acknowledge his problem. In AA, they say "denial is
not just a river in Egypt." I've often thought that addiction is
worse than cancer, because when someone has cancer, nobody can deny
it.
There is nothing anyone can do but the addict himself, and not until
he/she is ready. The addict has to want to get clean, for himself-to
be healthy. For the addict, it can take an ENORMOUS amount of
self-love to shirk the drug/alcohol monkey's death grip off his back.
If the self-love isn't there, the addict is told in AA to "fake it til
you make it." Believe it..believe that you deserve a healthy,
fulfilling, positive life, and it can come true.
But addiction is a powerful, terrible cycle of self-hatred.
Self-hatred leads to drug/alcohol use...the damages caused by
excessive drug/alcohol use leads to shame and more self-hatred...which
leads to more drinking and using...without help, this cycle is
impossible to escape.
As for the codependent...
The philosophy in AA and in other addiction circles is for
codependents to detach from the untreated addict, for their own
health, and hopefully for the good of the addict. It can be so painful
and difficult for someone who loves an addict to do this, though. It
feels like abandonment. But often, it's the only choice, for the
health of all parties involved.
The idea of detachment is to let the addict experience the
consequences of their actions, because the painful consequences of
using have to be greater than the perceived painful consequences of
getting clean. Often, the only thing that works is to let the addict
"hit bottom"...to withdraw attention...to kick them out of the
home...to refuse to clean up their messes...maybe even ultimately to
let go...as painful and hard as it may be, so they can experience the
harmful consequences of their behavior, which leads them to seek help.
During the intervention, family members are encouraged to tell the
addict, "If you don't accept this offer of help, I will have no choice
but to break all contact with you."
Sometimes the stories on Intervention end on a positive note. The
intervention subject goes to rehab and eventually stays clean...they
try to rebuild the pieces of their shattered lives and experience joy
and closeness with their loved ones again. Because ultimately, this is
all the family and friends want--they want the addict to get clean,
not for them, but for himself.
Sometimes the addict is so full of self-loathing and so bent on
destruction, that the family has no choice. They have to walk away
with broken hearts and broken dreams and unfulfilled hopes.
What is love?
I think true love means investing everything--being willing to
sacrifice anything, other than your self (because you have to love
yourself first and foremost)-for the health and well-being of the one
you love, even if that sometimes means detaching..walking away from
them...even ultimately sacrificing your relationship with that person.
Because alcoholism and addictive are so destructive, walking away can
be an act of of both self-love and love for the addict.
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