Alaia

My ex-abf is in jail due to a relapse which violated the terms of his probation. He had 7 months clean. He's been in for 3 weeks now. His family isn't speaking to him and he hasn't had contact with me or his ex and son because we only have cell phones and he can only make collect calls. His unit has visits tonight. I was thinking of maybe going to see him, just for a little bit. I have conflicting emotions about doing this though. Part of me wants to just let him sit there all alone and let him think about what he's done, but I have read some books that say an addict needs support to get better. Relapse is part of recovery and obviously he has a lot of work to do still but I don't like the idea of him sitting there all alone with no contact from anyone. I mean he probally feels pretty bad about himself right now. I am confused.

Callie

Tough one - I'd probably go, but keep my distance. How long is he in for? Is anyone else going (family)?

Chino

I have learned not to do anything when I have conflicting emotions. When I take the time to process the emotions, resolution/solution soon presents itself.

Alaia

I don't know how long his is in for. No one is speaking to him and def not visiting him. I know he has court again on the 15th but that's it. He is not the type for jail, I mean I know his decisions and his addiction led him there and it might just be the best thing for him right now, but his ex was at court (they have a child together) and she said he looked like he was gonna cry when they took him away. He's been there for 3 weeks alone with no contact from anyone (I know cause I have talked to his family and his ex) and he can't call anyone cause we all have cell phones. He could call his parents but they weren't speaking before all this happened anyways so his mom figures he wouldn't dare. He must be feeling pretty bad about himself as if he is a faliure and he has low self esteem.

laurie6781

You asked ...................................... YES, YES, YES

And this is your problem how?

He is suffering THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS.

You can feel bad for him from a distance. I would bet if you do go, the MANIPULATION and the POOR ME's will start the minute he sees you, along with THE HANG DOG LOOK, to SUCK YOU IN one more time.

I thought you wanted to stay off the roller coaster?

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Alaia

I do Laurie...that's why I posted this before I actually made a decision to get in the car and go visit tonight. I am too nice of a person and I feel bad that he is there all alone, but he put himself there. I shouldn't feel guilty that no one else wants anything to do with him, but I do. Going there would send the wrong message and would suck me back in. It's so hard for me to walk away though. I know if it was me I would want someone to come visit. But he needs to learn his actions have consequences. It doesn't make me feel any better about it but I guess sometimes the hardest thing for us to do is the best.

cmc

Is that really such a bad thing? My son needed to 'feel like a failure' to find the motivation needed to learn how to be a 'success.' How he felt had nothing to do with me.

I also try to use the 'when in doubt, don't' as a rule of thumb- because that conflict within is usually my HP trying to tell me something. I don't like to move forward until I'm sure.

riaerif

He's there because his actions put him there. I dealt with this same situation with my mom and I made the wrong decisions. I went to see her because I was so worried about what she needed from me.

The truth is, if she really needed anything but her drugs, she wouldn't have been there in the first place. If you go there out of guilt or out of a sense of doing what you think is best for him and not you, you're going to do more harm than good.

Maybe he needs to cry. Maybe he needs to see that his actions come with consequences and he can't just screw up time and time again and still have everyone screwing themselves over emotionally just so HE feels better.

I know I should have handled my situation TOTALLY differently than I did, but that's me. You need to really think about this and I agree that if you're conflicted and you really don't know, then don't do anything. It's better to figure things out and be solid in how you feel about things than make missteps now and try to figure out how to disentangle yourself more from the addict later.

Good luck with this. There is no easy way to heal when you want to save someone you love from a bad influence and the bad influence is them. It's a battle you'll never win and shouldn't have to fight to begin with.

Alaia

ok thanks guys. I'm not going to go. I don't feel good anyways (I have been sick for 3 weeks with mono) and I should just stay home with my pugs and watch a movie. I've still got a lot to learn but I am grateful you are all here to help guide me when I am confused. Thank you again.

outtolunch

Is this the same guy who stole money and your car?

Is this the same guy that you got a restraining order on?

Is this the same guy who told you lies to cover up lies?

Is this the same guy you have been sending money, food and boots to?

Is this the same guy who has an ex with another child he he not supporting who also had/ has some sort of relationship with a girl he met in rehab?

And now he's back in jail and probably feeling a little blue cause he's not the kind of guy who does well facing the consequeunces of his choices and behavior.

Relapse is a part of addiction, not recovery. He's not done with drugs, yet.

Going to see him in jail has a lot more to do with you, and your own needs than it has anything to do with him. You deserve to treat yourself better than you have been doing.

Alaia

Thank you for your post. Your 100% right and I am glad you put it down like that for me. Yes, I deserve to stay home and rest. Yes, part of me wants to see him and make sure he's ok and to cheer him up and see his face and talk to him...but that's not the right decision and it will most likely cause more harm than good.

Impurrfect

((Alaia))

I'm glad you've decided not to go. I just wanted to add this. I'm not the kind of person who "does jail" either. However, I went there a few times when I was using. Dad/stepmom came to visit me a couple of times, but generally I was on my own.

He is being fed, he has a place to sleep; therefore he is "okay". They tell us that they don't WANT us to be comfortable in jail...they want us to not like it, so we don't want to come back!

Remember, we A's are very, very resourceful. We can survive just about anywhere, including jail. Concentrate on taking care of you, sweetie.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Alaia

So I didn't go...I stuck to my guns, went home from work, watched a movie with my babies (pugs) and went to sleep. I have always had a hard time letting go of anything in my life...no matter what it is. I don't know why I have such a hard time with this or why I would even want to hold on to something I am not getting anything from except pain, anger and sadness. I don't need to be in a relationship to feel good about myself. I am independent and can hold my own, I have a roof over my head, clothes in my closet and food in the fridge, all by my own doing. So why is it so hard to let go and walk away?