Perspective on Receiving Unsolicitated Advice
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Perspective on Receiving Unsolicitated Advice
Hi.
There is something that many here probably have dealt with before and I am confused about how to react/respond.
I keep getting unsolicitated advice about my life, exabf, moving on, where to live, what to do, how to act, how I screwed up by being in a relationship with him...etc... I have NOT asked for any of these opinions and I am not sure why I seem to be such an open target for this stuff. I have made an effort for a while now not to discuss any of this stuff. My father, godmother, uncle and friends ALL have an opinion about what exactly I did wrong and how I need to move forward in their opinion.
Their words are meant from a good place, but I feel like dirt and am moving at my own pace. It is slow, but I am going at my own speed. I try to explain this or say that I didn't ask for an opinion and it is meat with almost anger towards me. Maybe it is just frustration with me by them, but I really don't want more pressure to perform from anyone. I am quite capable of putting enough guilt and pressure on myself.
I have stayed with my Dad for the last 5-6 weeks and in the past 18 hours he has yelled at me for being involved my ex, having student loans and other things. I need to leave here, but don't want to make him angrier with me. I truly have no place to go right now, but staying with him is temporary until I find work. I can maybe bum with friends for a couple of days. Feeling lost right now and don't want to be yelled at again.
I have been living on my own since I was 19 until I graduated in May, and had a job fall through. This is NOT ideal. Any solicited advice?
There is something that many here probably have dealt with before and I am confused about how to react/respond.
I keep getting unsolicitated advice about my life, exabf, moving on, where to live, what to do, how to act, how I screwed up by being in a relationship with him...etc... I have NOT asked for any of these opinions and I am not sure why I seem to be such an open target for this stuff. I have made an effort for a while now not to discuss any of this stuff. My father, godmother, uncle and friends ALL have an opinion about what exactly I did wrong and how I need to move forward in their opinion.
Their words are meant from a good place, but I feel like dirt and am moving at my own pace. It is slow, but I am going at my own speed. I try to explain this or say that I didn't ask for an opinion and it is meat with almost anger towards me. Maybe it is just frustration with me by them, but I really don't want more pressure to perform from anyone. I am quite capable of putting enough guilt and pressure on myself.
I have stayed with my Dad for the last 5-6 weeks and in the past 18 hours he has yelled at me for being involved my ex, having student loans and other things. I need to leave here, but don't want to make him angrier with me. I truly have no place to go right now, but staying with him is temporary until I find work. I can maybe bum with friends for a couple of days. Feeling lost right now and don't want to be yelled at again.
I have been living on my own since I was 19 until I graduated in May, and had a job fall through. This is NOT ideal. Any solicited advice?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Yikes you are surrounded by people with "control" issues! Is this where you picked up your own codie tendencies!!!???
People in my family are so unconscious - they are stuck in thought patterns and speech patterns and they just say sh*t without ever stepping back and REALIZING what it is they are really doing/saying.
So chances are, until they have their consciousness raised, your family will not stop.
You could try the pre-emptive approach: "I'd like to make a statement - I have heard and understood your criticisms of me. YOU think I should not have done X, Y, or Z. I am right now in the process of learning from my mistakes. The past is gone, it cannot be undone. So please from this day forward I would appreciate an encouraging word or two but no more cataloging of my past mistakes. That is my business and I am sure you have your own past regrets that you can chew on instead of mine. Thank You."
Probably won't make a difference.
What's worked well for me w/ my family's toxic talk is just the "Hunh." or "Oh." response. If you can manage to not react it takes all the energy out of it and takes all the reason for it away from them. A few dull responses and then a firm, "I hear you. I'm ready to talk about something else."
Or if you can keep your cool when dad starts yelling maybe find out what's behind it. "Why are you yelling at me? Does it change anything? What's eating you dad? I am not powerful enough to change the past but I am doing the best I can today - is there something on your mind besides MY past mistakes???!!!"
I hope you find a way to regain your independence soon!
Are you going to AlAnon or counseling?
peace & (((hugs)))
b
People in my family are so unconscious - they are stuck in thought patterns and speech patterns and they just say sh*t without ever stepping back and REALIZING what it is they are really doing/saying.
So chances are, until they have their consciousness raised, your family will not stop.
You could try the pre-emptive approach: "I'd like to make a statement - I have heard and understood your criticisms of me. YOU think I should not have done X, Y, or Z. I am right now in the process of learning from my mistakes. The past is gone, it cannot be undone. So please from this day forward I would appreciate an encouraging word or two but no more cataloging of my past mistakes. That is my business and I am sure you have your own past regrets that you can chew on instead of mine. Thank You."
Probably won't make a difference.
What's worked well for me w/ my family's toxic talk is just the "Hunh." or "Oh." response. If you can manage to not react it takes all the energy out of it and takes all the reason for it away from them. A few dull responses and then a firm, "I hear you. I'm ready to talk about something else."
Or if you can keep your cool when dad starts yelling maybe find out what's behind it. "Why are you yelling at me? Does it change anything? What's eating you dad? I am not powerful enough to change the past but I am doing the best I can today - is there something on your mind besides MY past mistakes???!!!"
I hope you find a way to regain your independence soon!
Are you going to AlAnon or counseling?
peace & (((hugs)))
b
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
LET IT GO ...
would it be possible to let it just go in one ear and out the other and then just say "Thank You" and walk away??
As for "past sins" can you just say "yeah, I'm sorry about that" and walk away??
just some thoughts - not sure how realistic they are!
Hand in there! Things get diferent!
BLue
would it be possible to let it just go in one ear and out the other and then just say "Thank You" and walk away??
As for "past sins" can you just say "yeah, I'm sorry about that" and walk away??
just some thoughts - not sure how realistic they are!
Hand in there! Things get diferent!
BLue
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi.
Thanks, Bernadette. Yes, this is where I learned "codie" behavior. I was in fear as I kid most of the time and I never really knew why until I came back here. I cannot meet expectations. I am a let down. Others fail and I hold my tongue, but heaven forbid I should do something wrong and its you are this... you are that... it is exhausting. It is why I moved away.
Dad was great about telling me to stay here. I was truly surprised by his support. I think maybe my welcome has worn out and rather than saying that, he is picking me apart. I left a couple weeks ago to stay with my mom (Not a great idea as she has emotional issues that are another bag. Dad's feelings were hurt that I went there and he told me to move back here, so I did. Things were okay until this past week.)
The stress being here now is intense to say the least. I am trying to stay focused on my goals, but being berated for being with my ex knocked me over.
No therapist now. Unitl I work, I cannot afford it.
Thanks, Bernadette. Yes, this is where I learned "codie" behavior. I was in fear as I kid most of the time and I never really knew why until I came back here. I cannot meet expectations. I am a let down. Others fail and I hold my tongue, but heaven forbid I should do something wrong and its you are this... you are that... it is exhausting. It is why I moved away.
Dad was great about telling me to stay here. I was truly surprised by his support. I think maybe my welcome has worn out and rather than saying that, he is picking me apart. I left a couple weeks ago to stay with my mom (Not a great idea as she has emotional issues that are another bag. Dad's feelings were hurt that I went there and he told me to move back here, so I did. Things were okay until this past week.)
The stress being here now is intense to say the least. I am trying to stay focused on my goals, but being berated for being with my ex knocked me over.
No therapist now. Unitl I work, I cannot afford it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Thank you.
Let it go is great idea. However, my father is treating me like a 10 year old all of the sudden and not discussing things with him is not an option. The only way out is to leave. It is his house. I understand that. I am not doing what he wants and am staying in his house, so he gets to call the shots.
I desperately NEED a job and am getting rejected right and left. I had an easier time finding work when I was 21 and had a high school diploma. I have 10 years of managment experience and an MBA and now I couldn't pay someone to hire me.
Let it go is great idea. However, my father is treating me like a 10 year old all of the sudden and not discussing things with him is not an option. The only way out is to leave. It is his house. I understand that. I am not doing what he wants and am staying in his house, so he gets to call the shots.
I desperately NEED a job and am getting rejected right and left. I had an easier time finding work when I was 21 and had a high school diploma. I have 10 years of managment experience and an MBA and now I couldn't pay someone to hire me.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
It sounds as though your father is just as frustrated at your situation as you are. Unfortunately, he is expressing it in the worst way by aiming his frustration right at you.
Your family also sounds like mine in the control department. I have had to pull back from my family considerably due to the same control. Unsoliticited advice was given over everything in my life no matter how miniscule, and when I opened up about my ABF's alcohol addiction, it only got worse. As though his alcohol abuse turned me into a helpless two-year-old. And their anger when I didn't heed their advice was frustrating beyond words.
Maybe appealing to his desire to support you in getting back on your feet would help. When he gets a critical tone and starts gearing up for a rant, maybe telling him what you could use in the way of support from him would give him a direction to focus himself. For instance, "Dad, I know you're upset about what has happened, so am I. Your support is invaluable and what I really need now to move on from this mess. To do that, I need a job. Can you give me help with that?" Set him to work brainstorming job ideas, gathering want ads, whatever. It's possible he wants to fix this all for you and can't and just needs something to grasp onto that helps him to help you. (Very Jerry MacGuire).
I know this puts his feelings in your way and makes you somehow responsible to reconcile them, but if you are stuck where you are for now, it may help make things liveable.
Best to you.
Alice
Your family also sounds like mine in the control department. I have had to pull back from my family considerably due to the same control. Unsoliticited advice was given over everything in my life no matter how miniscule, and when I opened up about my ABF's alcohol addiction, it only got worse. As though his alcohol abuse turned me into a helpless two-year-old. And their anger when I didn't heed their advice was frustrating beyond words.
Maybe appealing to his desire to support you in getting back on your feet would help. When he gets a critical tone and starts gearing up for a rant, maybe telling him what you could use in the way of support from him would give him a direction to focus himself. For instance, "Dad, I know you're upset about what has happened, so am I. Your support is invaluable and what I really need now to move on from this mess. To do that, I need a job. Can you give me help with that?" Set him to work brainstorming job ideas, gathering want ads, whatever. It's possible he wants to fix this all for you and can't and just needs something to grasp onto that helps him to help you. (Very Jerry MacGuire).
I know this puts his feelings in your way and makes you somehow responsible to reconcile them, but if you are stuck where you are for now, it may help make things liveable.
Best to you.
Alice
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Miss!
I sent you a PM.
Remember networking is one of the best ways to find a job, remind your fellow university students, teachers, previous colleagues that you are in the look and ask them to ask around their own circles...
Perhaps the "open heart" approach is worth a shot.. I have tried it with people that seem heartless (my dad's wife) and she responded VERY WELL. Maybe your dad only needs reassurance you are doing your best to find a job and to learn from past mistakes. Something like "I have been independent since 19 and now its only a matter of time until I leave again, I wouldn't want to be angry with you, I appreciate your help now... is my staying here making you angry or something else? I made mistakes in the past but I am learning, I know you are angry because you care about me and want to see me with a good man but please do not re-hash that any more as it doesn't help me focus on the job hunting and i need to be OK"
I agree he is your dad and it is his house but that does not give him the right to treat you badly..
Just my two cents, as usual it is all much easier in writing.
All the best!!
I sent you a PM.
Remember networking is one of the best ways to find a job, remind your fellow university students, teachers, previous colleagues that you are in the look and ask them to ask around their own circles...
Perhaps the "open heart" approach is worth a shot.. I have tried it with people that seem heartless (my dad's wife) and she responded VERY WELL. Maybe your dad only needs reassurance you are doing your best to find a job and to learn from past mistakes. Something like "I have been independent since 19 and now its only a matter of time until I leave again, I wouldn't want to be angry with you, I appreciate your help now... is my staying here making you angry or something else? I made mistakes in the past but I am learning, I know you are angry because you care about me and want to see me with a good man but please do not re-hash that any more as it doesn't help me focus on the job hunting and i need to be OK"
I agree he is your dad and it is his house but that does not give him the right to treat you badly..
Just my two cents, as usual it is all much easier in writing.
All the best!!
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 07-06-2009 at 10:15 AM.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi missfixit-
you know, sometimes life has a way of delivering the answer to our prayers, in very unexpected ways. so, the root of your codie ways (and hence your relationship with xABF) has it's root in your family relationships.
and now, you find those issues resurfacing as you stay with your father.
might be an opportunity.
naive
you know, sometimes life has a way of delivering the answer to our prayers, in very unexpected ways. so, the root of your codie ways (and hence your relationship with xABF) has it's root in your family relationships.
and now, you find those issues resurfacing as you stay with your father.
might be an opportunity.
naive
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