californiapoppy

I've relapsed. I've been toying with the idea of not saying so, however I think my chances of quitting for good are better if I'm honest and accountable to someone. And since today I feel REALLY rotten, I do very much want to quit for good. It sure didn't seem that important when I drank the first glass of wine though. I let myself get hungry, thirsty, tired, too hot, and a little uptight. Of course I know better, but it didn't matter then. I also had banished artificial sweeteners from my shelves so there were no diet soft drinks to turn to, though at that point I probably would not even have tried to substitute. This morning I went shopping and bought some and lots of frut juices too. Now if anyone has any tough love they want to throw my way, I'm actually craving to be chastised, at least for the moment.

bohemianzen

hugs poppy. i know how you feel - i've relapsed too and it sure isn't a good thing for me either.
i hope you get to feeling better as the day wears on. my first day back was yesterday - i feel like such a failure but i have to begin again regardless... it's our life we are talking about here. hang in there -- good plan about the fruit juice- i'm drinking water right now. i'm going to try and get as much good liquid in me as i can today (water, fruit juice, etc)
take care of yourself

californiapoppy

thank you

I love that cat, looks like I feel today !

Dee74

I'm sorry you relapsed poppy - but I'm glad you 'owned up'.
I think this where SR works best

I guess I'll ask it....what are you going to do differently 'to quit for good'?
D

californiapoppy

You shouldn't have asked, because I don't think I'll do anything differently. I have to make sure I don't get hungry, thirsty or tired, and if that does happen I'll have to find it in me to drink water. I'm hoping not drinking will become as much a habit as drinking was.

Dee74

I don't mind asking, as long as you don't mind me saying that doing something over again that plainly didn't work doesn't seem very logical.

People do get hungry angry thirsty and tired...whatever - you will be tempted again CP.
I hope you tweak it a bit.

They're a good bunch here - pick their brains

D

lunarise

Poppy~

Im not the punishing kind either. You know what you did and why you did you it. You know better now so you can do better next time. Be kind to your body. I think the best thing we can do to prevent relapse is to be very self aware. Keep checking in with yourself and often. Self care takes practice and patience.

:ghug3

californiapoppy

Ahhh, but it was working until it didn't. I'll be tempted again and again, that I know, but I will try picking the brains of the good bunch here, I was avoiding most forums, but I should probably read more on recovery, that will certainly help some.

mistycshore

Sorry, Poppy. I there with you. got plowed yesterday.

I just made an appointment with doc. I thought I might get in in a couple days, but they want me there in an hour. Yikes. I'm pretty sure they'll confirm my diagnosis of alcoholic neuropathy. and then I don't know what will happen.

californiapoppy

OH misty, I'm sorry too, for both of us, but we'll lick it, just crawl back up on the wagon and this time we'll hang on! Let me know what the doctor says, and what you plan on doing.

siamcat

Punish no, but, every (EVERY) slip is an opportunity to learn for the future. What did the Russians do after the Nazi drive to Moscow?* They didn't give up, berate themselves for their weaknesses, they allowed the natural impetus to run out, relied on their treacherous winter to stop the advance, and turned right around in the campaigns of '42 and used the German tactics (your AV's tactics) against them, they still lost many battles afterwards, but eventually it led to the encirclement of the sixth army at Stalingrad and the turning point in the war. So, how can you use YOUR AV's tactics against it? How can you learn from this invasion into your rationality? How can you encircle their army next time? Trap it starving in the tumultuous city of your mind and eventually send it off to your psychic Siberia to work for YOU? Learn learn LEARN from this poppy! This won't be your last battle, you may lose some more along the way, but, as long as you are aware and willing to learn from each battle, take on the tactics and use them against your AV, you will, (I promise), eventually win this war! ((((CaliforniaPoppy))))

*pardon my compulsive historical analogies > big dork here

californiapoppy

Well, I'm not going to wait for winter, but that would definitely help. Thanks for the encouragement, just one little thing, what's AV? (I don't do abbreviations and I can't read sms messages, now who's the dork?) I'll have to ponder what happened a little longer before I can figure out how to learn from my errors.

siamcat

AV is your Addictive Voice. It's the voice that convinces you that drinking is a GREAT idea right now! It's the voice the justifies drinking every time you do it. It's the voice that gives you excuses, holds your hand all the way to the liquor store, tells you this is what you NEED and it's familiar and comfortable and 'hey, we DESERVE a drink today right poppy? we are doing great being sober, we should have a treat, it's ok it's ok it's ok, no one will hate you, you won't hate yourself, it's just ONE or two glasses right? it's just a little relaxation right?' In other words, it's that lieing b*tch in your head, the one who tells you she's your friend whilst scheming behind your back, the one who has a bag of tricks up her sleeve for every new tactic you learn to fight her, she's the one you must learn to stategize against, separate from your SV (Sober Voice) so that you can more clearly distinguish between the two, she's the one you must learn to distract yourself from when she starts screaming and demanding really funking loudly and obnoxiously! And she will get more and more desperate to stay alive the harder and more successfully you fight her Poppy. She will use every trick in the book to stay alive, she needs alcohol to stay alive, it's her food, she lives through hurting YOU, through compromising your health and your sanity and distorting your rationality. She's the girl who takes over when you drink. Stop her, we'll help you, write out what you were feeling and thinking before you drank, and we can distract you from her together here, once you distinguish who is who, it becomes easier to fight, imo. ((((poppy)))) Be soft with yourself today, slips can be helpful if you learn from them, take it as a lesson not a failure.

siamcat

Oh and the pondering thing, yes, ponder ponder away, i know hangover days suck like that, but, I really think it's helpful just to write an account of it IMMEDIATELY so that you capture all the emotions and false logic that led up to it. The emotional attachments you give to certain AV excuses is especially important I think. Anyway, what I do, is write down immediately all that I can while it's fresh, and then try to leave it completely for a day or two, just be done with it, knowing it's there for my scrutinization when I'm ready.

Zencat

No harsh love form me as well...just support and concern. Maybe bookmark the SMART Recovery (SR) Tool Chest and Homework for easy reference. I find the SR tools to be very helpful when a urge to drug hits.

Each day is a new beginning. I think its helpful to look at life that way in general.

californiapoppy

I think I found something Dee, relapse preventive self talk. That would have helped, because as you suggested, I will definitely run into those triggers again I'll start preparing that.

jamdls

Ok, shame on you! 3 lashes with a wet noodle~!

Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and start moving forward. People talk about 'triggers' but heck every drunk I've ever known, myself included, everything was a trigger-good days bad days happy times sad times heck breathing was a trigger. If you want to stop then you stop, yes many need professional detox but after that it is up to you and you alone. When you relapse the person you are hurting is yourself, why let alcohol or your DOC win? they are in-animate objects and hopefully you are not.

Gypsy Feet

just hugs from me poppy. Your one of my favorites around here, so I am sooper glad you didn't fall off the deep end and ditch us forever.

be good to yourself, you are wonderful.

p.s. Do you think maybe the cold showers, giving up sweetners and quitting booze all at the same time makes it harder? I'd go nuts if I couldnt have my diet dr. pepper

OceanBound

Thank you for sharing, poppy. Please don't beat yourself up. Many of us relapsed or at least considered relapsing. Learn from it and move forward. And if artificial sweeteners help you now, go for it. Better than booze for sure. What I discovered for myself is sugar-free cranberry juice with sparkling water makes me feel better about not picking up liquor. So create new non-drinking routines for the situations when you normally drank before.

Good luck!
OB
:ghug3

Aysha

I am a chronic relapser so I really have nothing magnifisent to say.
I only dole out the toughness when someone points fingers everywhere but at themselves. But I never do it in a mean way.
And you havent done that. So no tough comments from me either.

All I can add is just keep trying. Learn everything you can from it.
And I agree with Dee. You have to do something different. Or you will more than likely come up with the same results.
It is rare for anyone to make it just by idling and not changing something.
Just hang in there and always try again.