ChameleonBoy

Alcohol from day one has been, is and will always be nothing more then a smoke screen and mirrors for me. I never wanted to deal with the real problems within myself. I had no clue how to deal with them and when I discovered alcohol I found I no longer had to deal with them. With out understanding it at all I found my smoke screen and mirrors. I was incapable of understanding what was going on inside of me so I would numb myself with alcohol because you see, as much as I wanted to understand what was going on, I simply couldn't figure it out and so I needed the smoke screen and mirrors to hide me from myself.

I wanted help, I wanted people to understand something was wrong but I was incapable of expressing what I myself could not understand so with time I found putting alcohol out there for you to look at created created a smoke screen for you, so you wouldn't see the real me. Alcohol has become a diversion to catch everyone's attention while I once again attempt to escape from me. Many "problems" have come along with my alcoholism. Lost jobs, treatment centers, hospitals, courts, jails, a broken home. None of these "problems" have addressed the real issue within me. They have only become apart of what alcohol has always been which is exactly why none of them have been reason enough for me to stop using alcohol for what it is.

Smoke screen and mirrors.

hopeful999

Hi... thanks for the post. After 8 days being sober, I'm starting to realize why I drank. It wasn't just one reason, it was a lot of reasons. But it's all becoming clear to me. While you are actively drinking, none of it makes sense and you just drink to numb the feelings.

I drank because my life was stressful. I drank because I wanted to be perfect and I was not. I drank to fill a void that was left after my divorce and a break up after that. I also drank because alcohol is a powerful addictive drug ...

I'm starting to figure things out for myself now. And to know the real me, not the drunken, partying wild me.

Thanks for the nice post.

ChameleonBoy

This my 8th day since I last drank too hopeful999. :ghug3 Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

ex D-Boy

thats a real deep post CB. glad your doing some serious soul searching and looking into the issues that led to the alcohol.

I too can relate to using as a diversion to catch others attention. I never had much self-worth and often felt that since I was miserable and my family didnt really like me I mine as well use drugs so I get atleast a little shred of pleasure out of this life. I dont have to say that my life today is a complete 180 from the thoughts I had before and while using drugs.

Congrats on the week+ sober man, keep it up, im rootin for ya.