twistedruby

I can only drop in here and there to check any replies...so please don't think I'm rude if I don't come back to reply right away.

Too long a story for now but my AH's drinking has slacked off a bit, however he has been very depressed and angry for many years now.
He refuses to go get help and just talk to someone.
Knows his anti-depressant isn't working anymore but won't make an appt. with his Dr. to change it.
When he sees our family Dr.....he apparently says everything is fine.....

(I tried this last Wed. to bring our Dr. up to speed as much as I could in 15 - 20 minutes.....but he doesn't grasp the gravity of the situation.
AH recently lost his Harley .....long story, but a cousin of his who owns a bike shop did something I could never do to a relative of mine.
The Harley is now sold to someone else.)


I am so sick of watching him self-destruct in slow motion .
Our financial situation isn't the usual.
He has no income by choice....should be getting disability from the Army but won't pursue it.
I pay the bills with my income.
Our house is from my divorce from my ex.
No kids.

I don't want AH to leave.....I just want him to get help and feel better about himself....and also go to AA.
His self esteem is in the dirt and self-loathing is off the scale for disastrous financial decisions he's made in the past.
It is destroying me to see this....I don't feel like I have a life at all.
And that also makes me very angry.
Our house is a domestic disaster.....all I can guess is that is how my anger has come out over the last several years....not re: cleanliness....just clutter and Stuff everywhere.
Not an excuse...just an explanation.

Oh God...there is so much more than this.......

I think being a survivor is partly genetic.
My immediate family is gone.
Parents passed on in 2000 and 2002, but my one sibling was killed instantly by a drunk driver in 2003.
He never married and had no kids.
I got help from a victim advocate at MADD at the time.....and it made a huge difference in dealing with that.
(MADD has changed since then.....they have skeletonized it)

My point is I do NOT understand AH marinating in misery by choice for so long....

And it has made me VERY ANGRY at him for refusing to do anything that would help his attitude....or drinking...which has oddly dropped off some....but he still needs AA.

Me taking anger management won't change him any....but I thought it would help me to control my reaction to everything.

I wondered if anyone here has taken it and found that it helped them to deal more rationally with a situation instead of wanting to smack AH/AW/ABF/AGF in the head with a shovel.


Yeah...that should be funny.....but not so much right now.

I'm 56 and my blood pressure doesn't need this Crap.

naive

hi twistedruby-

i haven't taken anger management, but i do find much help from alanon and also a therapist. have you tried these?

sandrawg

I don't think it's just anger management you need. This sounds like classic codependency. You might want to check out Melody Beattie's books.

I just broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend, and while it hurts like the devil, it was becoming impossible for me to stay in this relationship and maintain my self-respect, as he kept breaking promises and trampling on my boundaries. Plus, I got tired of the drama that living with an alcoholic brings.

I got to the point where I've had to change my phone number, and block his email.

I also know that leaving him is probably the best thing I could do for him, because deep down inside he might finally face that he has a problem and that it ruined our relationship. So many alcoholics latch onto codependents because they know they can "coast" and not have to get off the duff and get help. MEanwhile, the codependent's life can be ruined because he/she is constantly focused on the alcoholic and his/her problems--problems paying the bills, problems keeping a job...etc. THe codie cleans up the alcoholic's messes.

There is a lot of good help on this forum-I suggest you stick around and read about others' experiences--so many are similar to yours. It might help.

Seren

Hi Ruby,

Yeah, I dated a man for a while who is a Vietnam Vet.....He lives in depression and goes from being completely involved in group sessions and taking his meds to holing himself up in his apartment talking about dying. There was absolutely nothing I could do to help him. It was beyond my abilities--I couldn't be his counselor nor his entire reason for being.

So.....I had to break up with him.

I'm not saying this is what you need to do.....but if you have made yourself clear to him about what you want and need and if he cannot provide those things, then you need to decide what it is that will make your life peaceful and happy. You will, sadly, never be able to make him do what you want him to do......but you can decide what you want to do.

Hugs and prayers for brighter days ahead!!! HG

kv816

I've always heard that anger management wasn't worth going to. Everyone I've talked to about it says that we get angry regardless of the situation, even if they aren't related. Almost a flashback in a sense. That you may drop something on the floor and get strike crazing mad not because you dropped it but because you suddenly remembered something someone said to you years earlier. I hope that makes sense. But I was always told that it's not so much learning to control your anger in situations but learning why you're angry and facing and dealing with those issues.

I personally am not big on the whole sit on a couch in a barely lit room and talk about everything that comes to mind. Sure it helps, but it's just not for me. I haven't found a counselor that I'm comfortable with yet.

Find what your comfortable with and go from there; even if it just means being alone with yourself for awhile. I keep a list every night--these are the things I did that I think I could have handled differently. I try really hard to think before I act and get better with it everyday. But there's usually a time or two that I'll act and then realize I shoulda acted differently. Might help you too. Just a thought.

Good luck and stay strong!!!

Freedom1990

My anger management came through working the 12 steps of Alanon, and refusing to have an active alcoholic in my home anymore.

twistedruby

Thanks for the feedback.
I have the book, Co-dependant no more...
Couldn't leave it out in the open....haven't finished it.

A friend of mine recommended anger management years ago for AH...but it was what she said about it that made me think about taking it myself recently.
Maybe it is only as good as the person/people running that particular course in that location.

I forgot to mention last night that he threw everything away that has Harley Davidson on it.....didn't give them away....Threw them away.
I guess if I lost a Harley, I wouldn't want to see a reminder everywhere either.
His mom was thinking it meant suicide and I said I thought that was when people gave things away to other people...not threw them in the trash.

(I have it all bagged up and stored. He hasn't asked about the stuff when he saw it wasn't in the trash anymore.)

He crawled into a black hole of depression when he lost his job in 2001 over a technicality. (Alcohol not a factor)

My AH is also on meds for high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes.
With insurance the 6 meds a day that he takes cost over $350. a month.
I can't have him out there with no money for meds.
He has ZERO income.
I can set up a credit balance at our pharmacy so he could go pick them up himself.

About 1/4 of his truck is financed. I pay that bill....so yes, I pay for the diesel, too.


I can't be the one who physically leaves where we live.
It is my house from my divorce from ex in 1984 - clear title in my name only.
"Separate property" in Texas.

Muddies things up a bit...no ?




Gotta go....thank you.....back later.