My ego has taken a nosedive...
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
My ego has taken a nosedive...
I bumped into someone today that actually knows the woman my ex-ABF hooked up with after he left me 2 months ago. She sounds like a superwoman in a way. She runs ultra-marathons, teaches, is a vet, and just sounds like a hell of a person on paper. But she has also been described to me as "that psycho vet" and didn't seem to have any trouble inviting my BF over for a sleep over when I know she knew about me. Plus having her own boyfriend in another state. That doesn't speak class.
It makes me feel like absolute ****, when I shouldn't be! I have 2 bachelor degrees, that I paid for and never took out a loan! I excel myself in 2 outdoor sports that I'm proud to be part of. I have a rewarding successful career that is one to proud of. I own my own house, that I bought myself. I'm financially sound and self sufficient.
He actually meet her through a group he is involved with, one that I'm actually somewhat a part of, and it kills me now thinking of them doing all that stuff together that we once did. He himself, dropped out of college (which is amazing he ever got into college! He almost flunked out of high school) and has never had a job more than bartending or construction. He makes mostly minimum wage most of the year.
I hate feeling this way, and I know it's all his stuff and not a reflection of me, but it has triggered my co-dependant crazies and I'm so angry this got thrown in my face. It makes me feel inferior and just damn beneath them. I just feel like I'm never going to get over this! My stupid co-dependency has kicked in and just set me off with self-loathing and feeling that he moved on to something better than me.
I wish I could just forget and erase the whole damn thing. Being involved with an alcoholic is just about the most painful thing that I have done in my life!
Any pep talks out there?
It makes me feel like absolute ****, when I shouldn't be! I have 2 bachelor degrees, that I paid for and never took out a loan! I excel myself in 2 outdoor sports that I'm proud to be part of. I have a rewarding successful career that is one to proud of. I own my own house, that I bought myself. I'm financially sound and self sufficient.
He actually meet her through a group he is involved with, one that I'm actually somewhat a part of, and it kills me now thinking of them doing all that stuff together that we once did. He himself, dropped out of college (which is amazing he ever got into college! He almost flunked out of high school) and has never had a job more than bartending or construction. He makes mostly minimum wage most of the year.
I hate feeling this way, and I know it's all his stuff and not a reflection of me, but it has triggered my co-dependant crazies and I'm so angry this got thrown in my face. It makes me feel inferior and just damn beneath them. I just feel like I'm never going to get over this! My stupid co-dependency has kicked in and just set me off with self-loathing and feeling that he moved on to something better than me.
I wish I could just forget and erase the whole damn thing. Being involved with an alcoholic is just about the most painful thing that I have done in my life!
Any pep talks out there?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
For me, EGO = Edging God Out. When I have a good conscious contact with my higher power, I don't feel it necessary to compare my insides with someone else's outsides. That is a losing proposition, for sure!
I am a child of God, uniquely me with my own talents and strengths.
Life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I choose to handle it.
:ghug :ghug
I am a child of God, uniquely me with my own talents and strengths.
Life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I choose to handle it.
:ghug :ghug
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
"Living well is the best revenge." -- George Herbert
Alcoholic ex-boyfriend + psycho-vet.
Can't say that that really sounds to me like an equation that's likely to add up to long-term health and happiness.
Just off the top of my head, I'd have to say that you might find it helpful, in terms of improving your self-esteem, to 1) focus on what's inside -- who and how you are as a person, as opposed to your material accomplishments and possessions; and to 2) stop comparing yourself to others....especially to others' "outsides."
Way too often I see people trying to gather as much praise/recognition/etc... and as many possessions as they can in the attempt to make up for what they feel is lacking inside....I don't know as that ever works. In fact, what seems to happen is that, the more they get and the less it fills up their perceived inner lack, the more obsessed they become about getting still more. It's like it never occurs to people that, if piling up the "outside" accomplishments and possessions is not working, maybe it's not the right thing to be doing in the first place and just doing more of it is not going to make it the right thing or make it work. (Sounds a lot like alcoholism/addiction, doesn't it?) Afterall, You can never get enough of what you don't truly need.
So, what's good about you as a person?
How would you like to be able to become better?
How would you be looking at and feeling differently about this entire situation if you were focused on that rather than on how they look and what you imagine about what's going on with them just from their outsides?
Give your energy and your attention to yourself...I'd be willing to bet you will feel a lot better.
freya
Alcoholic ex-boyfriend + psycho-vet.
Can't say that that really sounds to me like an equation that's likely to add up to long-term health and happiness.
Just off the top of my head, I'd have to say that you might find it helpful, in terms of improving your self-esteem, to 1) focus on what's inside -- who and how you are as a person, as opposed to your material accomplishments and possessions; and to 2) stop comparing yourself to others....especially to others' "outsides."
Way too often I see people trying to gather as much praise/recognition/etc... and as many possessions as they can in the attempt to make up for what they feel is lacking inside....I don't know as that ever works. In fact, what seems to happen is that, the more they get and the less it fills up their perceived inner lack, the more obsessed they become about getting still more. It's like it never occurs to people that, if piling up the "outside" accomplishments and possessions is not working, maybe it's not the right thing to be doing in the first place and just doing more of it is not going to make it the right thing or make it work. (Sounds a lot like alcoholism/addiction, doesn't it?) Afterall, You can never get enough of what you don't truly need.
So, what's good about you as a person?
How would you like to be able to become better?
How would you be looking at and feeling differently about this entire situation if you were focused on that rather than on how they look and what you imagine about what's going on with them just from their outsides?
Give your energy and your attention to yourself...I'd be willing to bet you will feel a lot better.
freya
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hi there BS08, and pleased to "meet" you.
That other chick is _not_ a super-woman. She's a super sick-chick. Take it from a guy who's met his share of those.
You, on the other hand, sound like a dream come true. You sound strong, self-sufficient, independent and quite stable.
Now you know the kind of woman your ex-ABF is equal to. No offense intended, but _he_ is the one that sounds far beneath you. Have you seen this thread?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ink-about.html
Mike
That other chick is _not_ a super-woman. She's a super sick-chick. Take it from a guy who's met his share of those.
You, on the other hand, sound like a dream come true. You sound strong, self-sufficient, independent and quite stable.
Now you know the kind of woman your ex-ABF is equal to. No offense intended, but _he_ is the one that sounds far beneath you. Have you seen this thread?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ink-about.html
Mike
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
You broke the No contact rule, BS08! No contact means any trigger or any common friend that may feed you a line... ANY line about x and his "superwonderful new life" ( :beerchug: ) . Put all those friendships on hold if need be. It sucks I know, its like "losing" other people not only x, but you've got to do anything it takes to heal.
Many people love gossip and have NO TACT
a "friend" told me non chalantly about the new gf, and how they both had their Facebooks full of lovely messages and pictures and how they had went to the same beach we went (the first time I saw Mr Hyde, was he trying to 'erase bad memories' and make it all good again??) all in the same 5 min. conversation while I was at work and needless to say I was a crying mess for weeks... My life is much better without talking to this "friend", sorry but if she broke up with someone I would not be telling her all I see and all I know about her ex. She knew I was having a really hard time. It was like VENOM. My bar has raised in regards to friendship too. I like to think what I would do if roles were reversed and not accept anything less.
If he is still drinking dear BS08, it's all you need to know. You are not in for another cycle of enabling and abuse. Of course things need to be "wonderful" at first, how is he going to catch another prey without acting? not exactly by saying "hey i am in the rebound but never really faced any emotion, just drowned it, can you please come along to drive me home when i can't and be my punching bag and provide sex when i feel the urge and distract me and drink with me so i can feel good about myself?"
I also compared myself to the new enabler a lot of times, I think for ex's to be with someone else right away hurt us women in very primitive levels.
Just remember all he did, all the bad things, and know he is the same person regardless of who he is with. He did NOT suddenly became SOBER and perfect. He is the same addict you knew. Or worse.
I hope you take care of yourself this weekend, it will get better! but stay with the NC!!
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 119
BS08,
Your post took me back to January of this year when I was so embarassed, frustrated, and hurt that the A XBF had married a lady that he hardly knew a few months after our split, who according to some of our mutual friends is fantastic person. I immediatley started comparing myself to his new enabler...oops...I mean wife........and imagining the A XBF and his new wife's wonderful life that I made up in my mind and it drove me bonkers. I had a long talk with my psychologist about the news that I had recieved and thoughts that I had been having and she really helped me realize what Freya, DesertEyes, and TakingCharge999 have communicated to you in their replies. Doing individual therapy has made a huge difference in my life. My psychologist has helped me realize that when anyone starts telling me anything about the A XBF, I have a choice to listen or not listen. I'm still working on that, but am getting better at opting out of those converstaions. She has also helped me learn how to live in reality and not turn to my imaginary, creative thinking which has a tendancy to keep my focus anywhere but on myself. In those moments where my imaginary, creative thinking starts going wild, I have to pull myself back into reality and get a grip on the real truth. You know the truth, don't let yourself or anyone else manipulate you into believing otherwise.
Your post took me back to January of this year when I was so embarassed, frustrated, and hurt that the A XBF had married a lady that he hardly knew a few months after our split, who according to some of our mutual friends is fantastic person. I immediatley started comparing myself to his new enabler...oops...I mean wife........and imagining the A XBF and his new wife's wonderful life that I made up in my mind and it drove me bonkers. I had a long talk with my psychologist about the news that I had recieved and thoughts that I had been having and she really helped me realize what Freya, DesertEyes, and TakingCharge999 have communicated to you in their replies. Doing individual therapy has made a huge difference in my life. My psychologist has helped me realize that when anyone starts telling me anything about the A XBF, I have a choice to listen or not listen. I'm still working on that, but am getting better at opting out of those converstaions. She has also helped me learn how to live in reality and not turn to my imaginary, creative thinking which has a tendancy to keep my focus anywhere but on myself. In those moments where my imaginary, creative thinking starts going wild, I have to pull myself back into reality and get a grip on the real truth. You know the truth, don't let yourself or anyone else manipulate you into believing otherwise.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
Thanks folks.
Don't know if I mentioned it, but it wasn't any one I knew that told me about her. It was a random person I bumped into that knows her. Didn't ask for the info, but it just kinda got thrown in my lap. Didn't want to display all my baggage out to a stranger, so had to fain ignorance to who she was. Listening to him talk about her, though , just triggered my crazies.
I know too, I have to look at as how he treated me, and it has nothing to do with her. She has no power unless he give it to her, and they have no power unless I give it to them. It's a hard thing to do. One friend I talked to about it stated that maybe he changed and cleaned up, and I said no way. Not possible. If he had changed at all he would do right by me and act in kind and decent way. People aren't replacable and you don't tell people you love them and sleep with someone else, especially if they have a boyfriend!
The whole situation sucks and I'm sick of it. I think I'm going to need to give my therapist a call. I think my problem, like you said, is that fantasy thinking. I need to learn to keep in reality, and not dream it's something else.
Thanks guys...
Don't know if I mentioned it, but it wasn't any one I knew that told me about her. It was a random person I bumped into that knows her. Didn't ask for the info, but it just kinda got thrown in my lap. Didn't want to display all my baggage out to a stranger, so had to fain ignorance to who she was. Listening to him talk about her, though , just triggered my crazies.
I know too, I have to look at as how he treated me, and it has nothing to do with her. She has no power unless he give it to her, and they have no power unless I give it to them. It's a hard thing to do. One friend I talked to about it stated that maybe he changed and cleaned up, and I said no way. Not possible. If he had changed at all he would do right by me and act in kind and decent way. People aren't replacable and you don't tell people you love them and sleep with someone else, especially if they have a boyfriend!
The whole situation sucks and I'm sick of it. I think I'm going to need to give my therapist a call. I think my problem, like you said, is that fantasy thinking. I need to learn to keep in reality, and not dream it's something else.
Thanks guys...
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