D MOM

Hi everyone, Some of you know that my 22 yr old son went into a 3 months inpatient program earlier this year. He came back to our house after the program and stayed for a few weeks. He was a changed person. He was attending AA every day and reading and praying. He said that he knew what he had to do to stay sober each day and that he would do it.

He went back to CA to his old apartment and old friends. He was going to find a job and go back to college this fall. Well, he started college on Monday, but no job. My husband and I have been continued to pay his rent, health insurance and college tuition & books. We were paying for all of this before he got treatment also. Treatment was not covered by insurance so to say the least it cost us a lot of money. We never thought twice about paying for treatment we were so happy that he had decided to get help.

Since he went back to CA he is no longer attending AA. I have not asked him if he is drinking and he has not offered the information. I did ask him how he went from saying "I know what to do to stay sober each day and I will do it" to not attending AA. He said he is doing fine and that he went to a couple of meetings and everyone was older and he didn't feel comfortable. This sounds like what he was saying before treatment. After treatment when he went to AA in our town everyone was older and he said it didn't matter because if you want to get something out of the meeting you will. I suggested that he look in his book and find a meeting for young people. He said he would but he hasn't.

I feel like my husband and I have done everything we can to provide him with the tools he needs to stay sober. He is an adult, he knows what he needs to do and now it's up to him. So the big question. Would I be enabling him to tell him that if I find out he is drinking I am going to cut off all forms of financial support? I love him and will never stop loving him but I don't want to help him financially if his sobriety means more to me than too him. Is this trying to control him? Should I just continue paying and if he gets in trouble again tell him I won't help him out of it? I want to do what is right for him. It would be very hard for me to cut off the financial support but if it's the right thing to do I will.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you, DMOM

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi DMom.

That ultimatum sort of lacks teeth. If he's using he will hide it from you. Unless he gets in trouble with the law, you would need a pretty weird twist of fate to know if your son in another state is drinking unless he tells you.

If his drinking gets him in trouble and you decide not to continue paying for college under that circumstance, I really don't see that as controlling. I see it as not wasting your money. My guess is he hasn't exactly had an A average in his drinking semesters.

Hugs!
Smoke

EmotionalMeg

Hi D mom,
Good to hear from you

Well, since you asked lol...

I am thinking that regardless of whether he is drinking or not, that it seems about time for you to cut some of the "ties" financially. It is a wonderful thing that you paid for his treatment, and that he is choosing to go to college, and you are paying for that too... but where does it end? Are you gonna pay for ALL his education?

I think it is just so important that an A seeking recovery (or any A for that matter) get to the point where he really needs to take responsibilty for himself. If you DIDN'T pay for his treatment, and he didn't get sober, and he DIDN'T go to college because you wouldn't pay - what might have happened? Perhaps he would have hit a rock bottom all on his own, got HIMSELF the help he needs, and got HIMSELF a job, and paid HIS own way thru school... Perhaps not. But whatever it is he cooses to do with his life, it NEEDS to be HIS choice, so that he can own up to the responsibilities.

Sorry to be such a bummer... Hope this helps - I'm thinkin of ya.
Meg

24X7

Hey DMom,

Having teens has really taught me the meaning of the word powerless. My children are younger but I do set boundaries for them. The car has a curfew - they can go out after car curfew if they want but not on my liability. I explained it as "I know you are 18 now but you don't have experience driving when you are exhausted.". Now one is off at college & 2 at home.

The tough part of these years is trying to detach and let them have their own experiences yet trying to be a responsible parent. I give the criteria: 1) if you get in over your head call & I'll come get you - no ?s aked; 2) take a taxi -home - no ?s asked; 3) stay and you own the consequences & I don't have the $ for lawyers.

Seems like you have given your son support & love. The rest is up to him. Set the 'curfew' - you mess up at school or get arrested - I will not support you financially. That's the bottom line. You take care of you and his Higher Power will take care of him. He'll get 'sober' when he's ready not when you or his dad or anyone else wants.

Best to you,
Fellow Mom

EmotionalMeg

Oooops,
I forgot that I was gonna suggest something...
What about if you gave him a time restriction? Something like, I will continue to pay for college (regardless of what he is doing) up until THIS date. At which time, he will have to get a job, get a loan etc. - this way the money is not dependant on his behaviors, and YOU aren't feeling like he's hooking you along...

Meg

Hangin' In

Well, here I am, your twin. I think we were separated at birth, but I'm glad we've been brought back together. You know your story is my story, with a few details just a little different.

I know soberrecovery message board would accommodate my lenthy response (notice I didn't say "ANSWER"....smiles), so I emailed you.