I hurt so bad, but now I see the light
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 108
I hurt so bad, but now I see the light
I broke my "no contact" pact today. I texted him like an idiot after a really depressing dream I had about him. I don't know whats wrong with me. I just keep telling myself, If I show him that I love him, it will make him realize that he needs help. Grrrrrrr! The buck stops here. NO MORE CONTACT! Even if he contacts me, I will not answer back. I'm making a promise to myself from here on foward that I will move on with my life. I will live for only me and my child. I realize now that I can't change him! I'm going to work the steps now.
Anyways, to make a long story short, he ended up telling me that he went to see a therapist and joined a "support group". He told me that each and everyone one of them, including the therapist, told him that since I left him once, I would leave him again. They all agreed that it was not the right thing for me to do and that I should have supported him through his recovery. He also began telling me that, even if he got help, he could never be with me again because he would always be "waiting for me to find something else I don't like and then just leave again". He said he couldn't live that way.
I feel horrible. Not guilty, just sad that someone would be so cruel. Once again, everything is blamed on me with absolutely no personal responsibility. He knows how much I still love him and miss him and he's totally using it against me. I feel sick that I allowed this to happen by breaking my no contact policy after 4 long days of success.
Again, from this day forward, I swear to not contact him. I will move forward, not backwards. I'm going to buy "codependent no more" tomorrow.
Anyways, to make a long story short, he ended up telling me that he went to see a therapist and joined a "support group". He told me that each and everyone one of them, including the therapist, told him that since I left him once, I would leave him again. They all agreed that it was not the right thing for me to do and that I should have supported him through his recovery. He also began telling me that, even if he got help, he could never be with me again because he would always be "waiting for me to find something else I don't like and then just leave again". He said he couldn't live that way.
I feel horrible. Not guilty, just sad that someone would be so cruel. Once again, everything is blamed on me with absolutely no personal responsibility. He knows how much I still love him and miss him and he's totally using it against me. I feel sick that I allowed this to happen by breaking my no contact policy after 4 long days of success.
Again, from this day forward, I swear to not contact him. I will move forward, not backwards. I'm going to buy "codependent no more" tomorrow.
To thine own self be true
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 756
Originally Posted by luciddreamrgrl 
I broke my "no contact" pact today. I texted him like an idiot after a really depressing dream I had about him. I don't know whats wrong with me. I just keep telling myself, If I show him that I love him, it will make him realize that he needs help. Grrrrrrr! The buck stops here. NO MORE CONTACT! Even if he contacts me, I will not answer back. I'm making a promise to myself from here on foward that I will move on with my life. I will live for only me and my child. I realize now that I can't change him! I'm going to work the steps now.
Anyways, to make a long story short, he ended up telling me that he went to see a therapist and joined a "support group". He told me that each and everyone one of them, including the therapist, told him that since I left him once, I would leave him again. They all agreed that it was not the right thing for me to do and that I should have supported him through his recovery. He also began telling me that, even if he got help, he could never be with me again because he would always be "waiting for me to find something else I don't like and then just leave again". He said he couldn't live that way.
I feel horrible. Not guilty, just sad that someone would be so cruel. Once again, everything is blamed on me with absolutely no personal responsibility. He knows how much I still love him and miss him and he's totally using it against me. I feel sick that I allowed this to happen by breaking my no contact policy after 4 long days of success.
Again, from this day forward, I swear to not contact him. I will move forward, not backwards. I'm going to buy "codependent no more" tomorrow.
Anyways, to make a long story short, he ended up telling me that he went to see a therapist and joined a "support group". He told me that each and everyone one of them, including the therapist, told him that since I left him once, I would leave him again. They all agreed that it was not the right thing for me to do and that I should have supported him through his recovery. He also began telling me that, even if he got help, he could never be with me again because he would always be "waiting for me to find something else I don't like and then just leave again". He said he couldn't live that way.
I feel horrible. Not guilty, just sad that someone would be so cruel. Once again, everything is blamed on me with absolutely no personal responsibility. He knows how much I still love him and miss him and he's totally using it against me. I feel sick that I allowed this to happen by breaking my no contact policy after 4 long days of success.
Again, from this day forward, I swear to not contact him. I will move forward, not backwards. I'm going to buy "codependent no more" tomorrow.
It's a great book. I am halfway through it now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Hey lucid,
If you consider the positive side of this, his manipulation of the situation to blame and hurt you is just what you needed to remind you why no contact is the healthy way at this point.
A trick I learned here is to play the scenario all the way through and try to work through the potential outcomes before I take action. If I engage my ABF in an argument because I'm angered by him, I have to think of what my motives could be in it. Would I really accomplish anything, or would I just end up banging my head against a brink wall and end up the bad guy.
Make a plan for the next time you feel the need to contact him. He's your drug of choice and you need an alternative to fill that void. A certain activity. A sponsor you call. A meeting you can go to. A song to listen to that reminds you of why you're here and not with him, whatever it takes.
Next time you give in to temptation and contact him, which you still might do down the road, he may take a completely differet tack with you and beg for forgiveness, talk about his successes in therapy, and lure you back into the drama. An action plan for yourself will keep you out of harms way and from feeling this way in the future.
You are strong, you can do this, have faith in yourself.
My best to you.
Alice
If you consider the positive side of this, his manipulation of the situation to blame and hurt you is just what you needed to remind you why no contact is the healthy way at this point.
A trick I learned here is to play the scenario all the way through and try to work through the potential outcomes before I take action. If I engage my ABF in an argument because I'm angered by him, I have to think of what my motives could be in it. Would I really accomplish anything, or would I just end up banging my head against a brink wall and end up the bad guy.
Make a plan for the next time you feel the need to contact him. He's your drug of choice and you need an alternative to fill that void. A certain activity. A sponsor you call. A meeting you can go to. A song to listen to that reminds you of why you're here and not with him, whatever it takes.
Next time you give in to temptation and contact him, which you still might do down the road, he may take a completely differet tack with you and beg for forgiveness, talk about his successes in therapy, and lure you back into the drama. An action plan for yourself will keep you out of harms way and from feeling this way in the future.
You are strong, you can do this, have faith in yourself.
My best to you.
Alice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 108
sweets,
Yes, I can't wait to get the book. I have heard from everyone on here how good it is.
Alice,
Thats exactly what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid if he begs me back I will give in. I'm trying to hold on to his cruelty as a determining factor. I'm so weak sometimes. Love is my drug of choice and I can't seem to grasp the rewards my choices will bring me. I've said it before, I'm addicted to love. But I will try and make a plan. Thank you for the advice.
Yes, I can't wait to get the book. I have heard from everyone on here how good it is.
Alice,
Thats exactly what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid if he begs me back I will give in. I'm trying to hold on to his cruelty as a determining factor. I'm so weak sometimes. Love is my drug of choice and I can't seem to grasp the rewards my choices will bring me. I've said it before, I'm addicted to love. But I will try and make a plan. Thank you for the advice.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Sounds like you're getting stronger. It may not feel like it. but you are!
Once it's all behind you, and the anger is gone, your eyes will be open and you will then see how right you are, and how much better off you are.
Once it's all behind you, and the anger is gone, your eyes will be open and you will then see how right you are, and how much better off you are.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 34
Oh, my goodness. I feel like I just read an excerpt from my own diary! I can't tell you how much I understand where you are right now... this very moment. Thank you for sharing. It's nice to know I am not the only one.
T.
T.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 29
i feel you! God, do i feel you! my ex, (it has been only 5 days of no contact), cannot stop apologizing via text and email. and, he has now called me twice. my phone rejects him, but i cannot reject the text messages. ugh. it is so hard to not respond.
until, i remember the ugliness. the depravity. and i get disgusted. sometimes i get sad about "what could have been." but, what WAS, in reality, is an unstable alcoholic that will never ever be close to what i want and deserve in my life. what helps me is thinking about what i want in a relationship. then i look at him and what we were. they will never ever meet. trying to turn off the heart and listen to the brain is the only thing i can do when i am feeling sad and weak.
his blaming you for leaving (adding authority to it with the therapist: i doubt that is true) is so manipulative and guilt laden. he knows your buttons!
continue to value yourself and love yourself. don't be mad at yourself for contacting him and for feeling sad. you are learning.
-Lisa
ps. the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. these are wise wise words in these situations.
until, i remember the ugliness. the depravity. and i get disgusted. sometimes i get sad about "what could have been." but, what WAS, in reality, is an unstable alcoholic that will never ever be close to what i want and deserve in my life. what helps me is thinking about what i want in a relationship. then i look at him and what we were. they will never ever meet. trying to turn off the heart and listen to the brain is the only thing i can do when i am feeling sad and weak.
his blaming you for leaving (adding authority to it with the therapist: i doubt that is true) is so manipulative and guilt laden. he knows your buttons!
continue to value yourself and love yourself. don't be mad at yourself for contacting him and for feeling sad. you are learning.
-Lisa
ps. the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. these are wise wise words in these situations.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
Originally Posted by luciddreamrgrl
I broke my "no contact" pact today. I texted him like an idiot after a really depressing dream I had about him. I don't know whats wrong with me.
Be gentle with yourself, you are doing just fine!
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: California
Posts: 131
He is using a tactic that I have experience. He is quoting an authority (his therapist) and you have no way of confirming anything that he is attributing to the authority.
Just remember, addicts lie. They lie all the time. NOTHING they say can be taken at face value.
My AGF regularly 'quoted' her therapist as saying "you [meaining me] are dangerous" and "my therapist says that I don't need to be here." I got the chance to talk with the therapist (and yes, I had a release) and of course the therapist denied saying any of that. She said to me, "Until to day, I had never met you or talked to you. How could I possible have an informed opinion about your relative mental health or sanity?"
It is just quacking... to get make you feel guilty and to get you to let him get what he wants...
Just remember, addicts lie. They lie all the time. NOTHING they say can be taken at face value.
My AGF regularly 'quoted' her therapist as saying "you [meaining me] are dangerous" and "my therapist says that I don't need to be here." I got the chance to talk with the therapist (and yes, I had a release) and of course the therapist denied saying any of that. She said to me, "Until to day, I had never met you or talked to you. How could I possible have an informed opinion about your relative mental health or sanity?"
It is just quacking... to get make you feel guilty and to get you to let him get what he wants...
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Love is my drug of choice
GOOD, if that sentence is true then you'll be finding what love really is, what it means, how its shown and creating space for it every single day of your life!!!!
NC rules, it gets easier with time.
GOOD, if that sentence is true then you'll be finding what love really is, what it means, how its shown and creating space for it every single day of your life!!!!
NC rules, it gets easier with time.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 63
I found this thread useful to me, too, because it's good to remember - as one of you said - that we are addicted to our Alcoholic Partners as they are to their alcohol. It seems madness to have such a strong pull towards them when the world they offer us is so terrible!
I am so struck by whatever the "support group" he attends has said about you and the decisions that you have made. Firstly, I wonder about his honesty. My husband made up stuff in order to make me feel to blame and responsible. He was actually advised NOT to stay with me and so on - which made me feel like his stress/anxiety led to his drinking and I was the cause of his stress/anxiety/problems/drinking. If it is true what they said about me - it makes me quite angry towards alcoholics (who end up counselling and leading these rehab groups) because once again they are not allowing the alcoholic to accept any responsibility. Support is fine, but alcoholics have to accept responsibility and stop blaming everyone and everything else - and it is the one thing they struggle to do. I think the other advice here is great, and I can't add to it - but I can say that I relate so much to how you're feeling and what you've experienced.
I am so struck by whatever the "support group" he attends has said about you and the decisions that you have made. Firstly, I wonder about his honesty. My husband made up stuff in order to make me feel to blame and responsible. He was actually advised NOT to stay with me and so on - which made me feel like his stress/anxiety led to his drinking and I was the cause of his stress/anxiety/problems/drinking. If it is true what they said about me - it makes me quite angry towards alcoholics (who end up counselling and leading these rehab groups) because once again they are not allowing the alcoholic to accept any responsibility. Support is fine, but alcoholics have to accept responsibility and stop blaming everyone and everything else - and it is the one thing they struggle to do. I think the other advice here is great, and I can't add to it - but I can say that I relate so much to how you're feeling and what you've experienced.
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
I would wonder if anything he said about the therapist/support group was true too. When my XABF was in a recovery home (court ordered) we met with the counselor's an hour before visitation. The one counselor was recovering (20 years sober). He said he tried the same thing on his wife when she left him but it wasn't true. When I said that I had considered leaving he told me to follow up on it. Don't let him convince me that my leaving was wrong or showed that I didn't love him or so on and so forth. He said it took him awhile to realize that what she did was right and it was when he did that it really helped him see the light.
He'll do or say anything to get you back (just like you'd do or say anything to get him back--sober). You gotta stay strong. I used to defend myself with his statements like that (that whatever was my fault). I don't want to fight anymore. I feel so much better without him then I did with him (even though I still hope for the best for him and still wonder, still fear for him). But I don't want to fight anymore. I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's not my fault. Or I'm sorry you feel that way but I won't be a part of it. That's all I need to say to him.
He'll do or say anything to get you back (just like you'd do or say anything to get him back--sober). You gotta stay strong. I used to defend myself with his statements like that (that whatever was my fault). I don't want to fight anymore. I feel so much better without him then I did with him (even though I still hope for the best for him and still wonder, still fear for him). But I don't want to fight anymore. I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's not my fault. Or I'm sorry you feel that way but I won't be a part of it. That's all I need to say to him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Tampa, Florida
Posts: 108
Than yoy all so much for sharing. It's really good to know that I'm not the only one to have this problem. I'm doing it to myself. That's the sad part. I'm contacting him! He is so much better at playing the game. I just don't have it in me to do this. I for the life of me don't understand how someone could say these things to someone they supposedly loved. I could never be this mean and hateful.
I feel better today thanks to all your support. My thought is that if he did see a therapist or support group, it was not for alcohlism support. If it was they would be telling him that he needs to own up to his problems. Not blame them on others. I think that he's lying completely. It's obvious there is no hope of having a meaningful relationship wit him and I'm now seeing his true colors.
Thanks again everyone.
I feel better today thanks to all your support. My thought is that if he did see a therapist or support group, it was not for alcohlism support. If it was they would be telling him that he needs to own up to his problems. Not blame them on others. I think that he's lying completely. It's obvious there is no hope of having a meaningful relationship wit him and I'm now seeing his true colors.
Thanks again everyone.
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