My Husband Made Out with a Woman in Rehab!

Old 07-03-2009, 10:47 AM
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Angry My Husband Made Out with a Woman in Rehab!

Rehab is an intense environment. My husband was with this certain group of people from 5:00 AM until after midnight every single day and their days were filled with grueling therapy sessions that were very emotionally charged. I realize that in this kind of environment it is almost inevitable you are going to develop strong, intimate bonds with the people who are going through the same experience with you. However, the day my husband called me from rehab and told me he'd become friends with an "amazing girl" named Kerri, my heart sank a little. I knew instantly that he and Kerri were developing more than just a spiritual bond. At the same time, though, I was very understanding about it. After all, he wasn't going to be in rehab forever and I knew any emotions they were feeling for each other at that time were superficial at best.

Well, as I mentioned in my previous post, now that he is home my husband has been spending a lot of time on the phone with his friends from rehab, especially Kerri, and has made several trips out of town to visit with them all again. We finally had "the talk" yesterday during which I gave him an opportunity to come completely clean about everything that has gone on between him and Kerri. My husband and I have always been completely honest with each other about such things in the past, so I was fully confident that if something had happened between them he would tell me. It took a little poking and prodding on my part, but he did finally confess that he and Kerri had kissed during their stay at rehab. He said it only happened once and it was after they had spent several hours talking about their addictions and all their troubles from their pasts and that sort of thing. He said at the end of the conversation they hugged because they'd just shared such an intense experience, and that's when the kiss "sort of just happened." He swears it did not mean anything and swears even further that they have never kissed since that one incident. To be completely honest, I'm not sure that I believe him, but I do give him credit for at least telling me it happened.

You know, it AMAZES me how much my attitude has changed since I've started educating myself about alcoholism and the behaviors of alcoholics. For example, I'm sure many of you just read that last paragraph and thought, "She's crazy! I would have left him in a second!" In the past, I probably would have felt that way. However, as soon as I started having suspicions about Kerri I started searching online for similar stories and suggestions about what to do. I never found anything specific, but what I did find were articles talking about how we as spouses of alcoholics need to learn to set boundaries for ourselves while also practicing Step 3: Turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.

I confess, I am still stuck on Step 3. While I do hold my own understanding of what God is to me, I have never fully turned my life or decisions over to Him. My belief has always been sort of the opposite, actually. I have always believed that God sort of creates certain life situations FOR us and then leaves it up to US to make the right decision and do the right thing. In other words, God has presented me with this situation where my husband is having an emotional and supposedly not-so-physical affair with another woman, so now the ball is in MY court. Do I give my husband an ultimatum and threaten to leave him if he does not stop seeing Kerri and talking to her on the phone? Or do I give him the benefit of the doubt and trust his promise that they are not carrying on a physical relationship? According to Step 3, however, I think what I'm REALLY supposed to do is just not spend any more time worrying myself about it and just tell God that I am putting this situation in His hands and be prepared to accept the outcome.

Now that I think about it, though, aren't Step 3 and my option of giving my husband the benefit of the doubt kind of the same thing? After all, by giving my husband the benefit of the doubt and trusting his promise that he is not carrying on a physical relationship with Kerri, I will ultimately be putting the situation in God's hands because either way I have put the ball in my AH's court and I will need to prepare myself for the outcome. My husband will either continue a platonic relationship with Kerri based upon moral support, or he will betray my trust and overstep my boundaries, which, by the way, I have now clearly explained to him.

Wait, did I just answer my own question? I guess I just didn't realize before that by trusting my husband I am also practicing Step 3. So, that is probably what I will do. Any thoughts?
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Old 07-03-2009, 11:02 AM
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IMHO, you are right that rehab can cause some intense emotions.

But rehab is over now - he is in the real world. If he has plenty of people from rehab other than this girl he can contact, then he has no reason to contact her.
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Old 07-03-2009, 11:10 AM
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At one time in my life, my bar of standards with my EXAH was so low you couldn't limbo under it. That carried well over into my own recovery from drugs/alcohol and more relationships after that marriage.

Today I'm no longer willing to compromise my beliefs and values. To put it simply, I have zero tolerance for BS, and I don't care what the other party offers as an explanation.

Step 3 isn't a passive, 'sit back and accept whatever is thrown at me' kind of step for me.

Step 3 allows me to recognize that small quiet voice within that lets me know when my boundaries have been clearly crossed, and I can take corrective action on my part.
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Old 07-03-2009, 11:11 AM
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I also wanted to add that yes, rehab was also very intense for me. However, I was there because I was dying, and I was desperate for a new way to live, not to find a kissing partner.
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Old 07-03-2009, 11:32 AM
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Hi Kitty, I have a similar situation, since my ABF of over 14years started counseling (or before) he started what he says is a non "sexual relationship" with a much younger female, I am not so sure its platonic or moral support, I have been worrying myself sick over it and I have come to the conclusion that I do have to trust God to guide me thru this whole thing....its so hard because lies sound like truth and truth sounds like lies sometimes.............Just believe in him and know that you did answer your own question.
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Old 07-03-2009, 11:33 AM
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I don't know. I would think the same way you are. I would trust him, believe that the relationship is only what he told me it was. Let him know how I feel about it, of course.

But another part of me would want to tell him no more contact. But then I'd wonder if it's because I don't trust him or if it is my own insecurity that is causing me to expect such a thing.

You say that he goes out of town to spend time with her and these other folks from rehab. Is it your own insecurity that causes you to feel the way you do or do you really just not trust him yet (which IMO you have every right not to at this point)? Think about it and decide how it is you feel. Tell him you feel this way and ask him if he'd be willing to invite them over to your home for a day. They can sit and talk, do whatever it is they do there here at home. Maybe once you see how he interacts with her you'll have a better feeling about it and you can take it from there.
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Old 07-03-2009, 11:58 AM
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Hi Kitty,

it's interesting isn't it, that it's rarely a consideration that the spouse of the alcoholic will go through changes and life altering ups and downs once rehab. has ended. It's not as easy as quitting drinking to solve the alcohol problem.

I went to an all women's rehab for 21 days so I can't speak about relationships between the sexes, but I can tell you that there are bonds that are formed while there and we did keep in touch afterward. The communication slowed up after a few months as everyone was finding their land legs and moving on in their lives as *non drinkers* and some simply disappeared. I believe it's natural because everyone came to rehab. very raw feeling and vulnerable and the vulnerability remains for awhile so you are right, everyone *gets* each other. (Or so we think) It's a happy yet confusing time.

That said, while I can see how your husband and his fellow rehab friend felt, they did share a kiss. I'm not suggesting that there is more to the story, but his relationship on a go forward basis with her even in a group may not be the healthiest path for them to pursue, or out of respect to you. I think a boundary has been crossed on your husbands end with you as well as between the two of them.

You sound like a truly supportive, loving and understanding woman and I commend you for this. I'm watching out for you when I say this to you.

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Old 07-03-2009, 12:04 PM
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My STBXAH met a 'friend' on-line that he started hanging out with. He swore she was just a friend and I, like a fool, trusted him completely. I didn't lose a minute's sleep over it (after all, he was an alcoholic with a phobia about washing more than once a week). Hah. I judged him by what I (or the man he used to be) would do in that situation rather than what the man he had turned into would do. Just before he left he told me he was 'in love' with her - all the while swearing nothing was actually going on. 2 months after moving into his own place, she moved in with him. I'm still trying to let go of the anger I feel towards him. I trusted him far too much - I will never trust anyone that completely again. And I think that's a good thing!

Infidelity, acted on or not, was/is my deal breaker. Only you can say how much you can tolerate.
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Old 07-03-2009, 12:42 PM
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Are you welcome to meet this woman, to participate in the social times they share together?

All marriages are different. My husband and I have friends in common, plus he has some that are "his" and I have some that are "mine." But we are always welcome to meet & mingle (we often just choose not to). In our marriage, if there were private conversations and meetings and vague "out of town gatherings" at which one or the other was not welcome -- especially if it involved someone of the opposite sex, and especially-especially if it involved someone of the opposite sex with whom my partner had admitted emotionally intimacy -- that would not be acceptable.

You may be quite comfortable with this. But it's not something my husband or I would be comfortable with, regardless of the intent of step 3. I turn my life over to the care of God as I know him -- but I use the eyes and ears that He gave me to know all the facts.

In my opinion, when there is transparency, there can be trust.

I wish you and yours the best in your recovery programs!
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Old 07-03-2009, 01:44 PM
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I agree asking all of them (or just her) over for coffee, and see his reaction, would give you a good pointer on what is really going on. Although for me "a kiss that just happened" is a deal breaker. No brownie points for "honesty", right now I am just tired of mind games. I have not made myself respected for a while, sorry I am no longer in for more heartbreak. You are either there 100% or you are no longer welcome.

What if you go on vacation and accidentally kiss someone? And you say "oh we shared some bad times, it just happened" then you talk a lot and spend time with the man away from your husband. Would he be OK with that????

Only my 2 cents...
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Old 07-03-2009, 02:06 PM
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What if you go on vacation and accidentally kiss someone? And you say "oh we shared some bad times, it just happened" then you talk a lot and spend time with the man away from your husband. Would he be OK with that????
Definitely agree with that
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Old 07-04-2009, 04:21 AM
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Thank you, everyone, for your responses. I truly appreciate your feedback. I hear you, I really do. I AM insecure and I do think that meeting these people, especially Kerri, would help me tremendously. I wasn't invited on my AH's first trip back to see them, but that was only because their activities were mostly group meetings. I WAS invited on the second trip to go to a concert with them, but I couldn't go because I had a wedding to photograph. We are actually thinking of driving there today (July 4th), but I also learned last night that Kerri is out of town. Boo!

Anyway, I'm going to keep trusting my AH and I agree with you who said that these friendships may fizzle out after a while. I will just try to be patient and see what happens.
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Old 07-04-2009, 05:49 AM
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Kitty,

Hi.

Please take care of yourself regardless of what your husband chooses to do.

Miss
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Old 07-04-2009, 11:06 AM
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Cool

"...practicing Step 3: Turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him.
I confess, I am still stuck on Step 3. While I do hold my own understanding of what God is to me, I have never fully turned my life or decisions over to Him..."

Before you go turning your will and life over to anything, go check out the wording of Step 3 again. Even though many, if not most, folks actually do say a pray regarding turning their will and lives over, the step actually says.....: MADE A DECISION to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand Him. (note, the step never goes so far as to say actually turn ones will and life over.....at this point in the steps, and for me and many of my friends, it was the actual working of the rest of the steps that was the turning over part....)

You have some interesting takes on the turning over part, but you seem to see it as turning your husband and/or his actions over, but I believe the turning over part should be about one's self and not others.....just my ES&H regarding the working of the steps.....something toi think about.


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Old 07-04-2009, 11:04 PM
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I wont underestimate relationships brought together under extreme duress. Sometimes more often than not a deep communication evolves through therapy. This intensity is unfounded in a normal husband and wife relationship. There is an extrema vulnerability going on in therapy. Its a prime time to connect with another on a level never experienced my most.

I believe that after therapy sessions would be a good time to interject your presence and your concerns with all parties present. Let it be known you are there as much as anybody else in this healing process. In other words let your presence be largely known...continually.
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Old 07-05-2009, 05:13 PM
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Thank you, Zencat. I'm glad you have the same understanding about how these types of relationships. I am just going with my gut at this point that whatever feelings they may have developed for each other during rehab are bound to fizzle out now that they're "back in the real world." My husband is an extremely intelligent man, which is why I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that he, too, will realize that the boudaries that were crossed by him during that time were just a mistake. I would hate to throw away an otherwise fantastic 15-year relationship based solely on a decision he made while he was not of sound mind, to put it mildly. My husband was also not a cheater before he went into rehab, which is another reason why I have chosen to trust him. As a matter of fact, I feel better and better about that decision every day. We just spent the entire weekend together and had some really great talks. I am very optimistic.
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Old 07-10-2009, 07:56 AM
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Hi everyone, I have been looking at these boards for going on a year. Kitty you are living my life from the beggining...He went to rehab and met a woman spent all his time with her they let them go off by them selves , when he got home he joked about having a GF on e-mail...so I started reading his e-mail and he would go outside and call this girl, he was going to meet her and his rehab buddies, when I read that I called his sponser and talked to him about this emotional affair...then I went off on him....ya he said they were only friends but the e-mails were love letters ...and I gave him a choice....me or her..I never had trust issues before, but now I do...it has almost been a year and I check everything I can check of his...If I see another girl he is out the door....AA is helping but there are woman that just want to cling at AA.. so now he is trying to prove to me that he is not 13th stepping anywhere...and I haven't made up my mind to stay or leave yet...They say I will know when...I held back for a few months because they said don't upset the A...but I have learned that is ********, you can't hold it all in..as you can see I am still angry but am getting over some of it...as I am still with him..The first few months out of rehab is HELL to go through...and you are right they don't post enough of after rehab... sorry it is so long..but I could write a book on here lol
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Old 07-10-2009, 08:14 AM
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I have a simple rule that I apply to myself. If my SO were hear, reading what I am writing, seeing what I am doing, listening to the conversation, would I be doing it? Would I give a woman a passionate kiss in front of my SO? No. Therefore, I wouldn't do it.

Having said that, I have come to understand that addiction is also a disease of selfishness. The addict does not think about how their actions affect others. That selfishness does not go away the moment they enter rehab. In many ways, recovery in the early stages tells them to be selfish... to place their recovery in front of everything else. The first 7 steps are in many ways all inward looking. It isn't until step 8 that they confront the impact of their actions on the world.

I also read somewhere that for people in recovery, having starting a romantic relationship is a way of reducing the need to have a relationship with your Higher Power. It makes the person feel loved / special... but is simple outside validation... not an acceptance (from a Christian POV), that you are loved, simply because you are a child of God.
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Old 07-10-2009, 08:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Lcounts View Post
Hi everyone, I have been looking at these boards for going on a year. Kitty you are living my life from the beggining...He went to rehab and met a woman spent all his time with her they let them go off by them selves , when he got home he joked about having a GF on e-mail...so I started reading his e-mail and he would go outside and call this girl, he was going to meet her and his rehab buddies, when I read that I called his sponser and talked to him about this emotional affair...then I went off on him....ya he said they were only friends but the e-mails were love letters ...and I gave him a choice....me or her..I never had trust issues before, but now I do...it has almost been a year and I check everything I can check of his...If I see another girl he is out the door....AA is helping but there are woman that just want to cling at AA.. so now he is trying to prove to me that he is not 13th stepping anywhere...and I haven't made up my mind to stay or leave yet...They say I will know when...I held back for a few months because they said don't upset the A...but I have learned that is ********, you can't hold it all in..as you can see I am still angry but am getting over some of it...as I am still with him..The first few months out of rehab is HELL to go through...and you are right they don't post enough of after rehab... sorry it is so long..but I could write a book on here lol
Wow! Your situation IS a lot like mine. Well, I don't know if you've read my other thread, "How Quickly the Tables Can Turn", but I have finally left my husband. It's very complicated, but it's all in that thread if you are interested. I just wanted you to know that what you said is absolutely right, when it's time to leave you just know. I woke up Monday morning of this week and something just said, "Pack." I had not premeditated this move. I had no plans of where to go or anything like that. I wasn't even sure if I REALLY wanted to leave at that point, but I went with my gut and I packed. I loaded up the car, still undecided about what I was actually going to do, but by the end of the day it became very clear to me that my gut knew something at that point that my brain hadn't figured out yet. I do feel like I'm making the right decision, even though it is hard as hell. I hope your gut leads you in the right direction, too. Trust it. Our instincts happen for a reason.
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Old 07-10-2009, 09:30 AM
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Yes I have read that thread....It has helped me alot...I have met a few of the AA members and club members of my A's and am able to talk to them..they swear that he has not cheated, that most men are too druged for it to work....I am still waiting for the story of rehab and what happen there..so i will still be snopping at everything...not trusting until I can get this out of my head...i want my marrage to work..I have seen the changes through out the year some good some bad...he is not working his steps and his new sponser is a leach...but with the help of other A's that I know that have been sober for 22 yrs or more they are spending more time with him....but only time will tell...I know this is hard for you...I was told to wait a year to make a discision and I am just about there..my prayers are with you huggsss
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