First post...sorry it's very long
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 17
First post...sorry it's very long
Hi,
This is my first post on here, I have recently found the forum and have been reading your stories. I can find lots of similarities with my life – main difference being you all seem much more forceful/capable in trying to change your husbands. I have lived with my husbands heavy drinking ever since I've known him, and apart from occasions (too many) when he has turned nasty and I've complained, cried, not spoken etc I mostly just try to ignore it.
I'm trying to get everything straight in my head so sorry if I am rambling.
We've been together for about 15 years. When we first got together we used to drink together a lot and I didn't think anything of it. I was 25 and still in that college mentality of drinking to have fun. I didn't even consider the fact that he was in his late 30's and maybe most people don't drink this way then. Soon we moved in together and continued drinking. Every Fri/Sat night at least we would be in the pub together drinking, both of us gettting drunk. Though he would carry on drinking when we got home, whilst I would stop.
Over the years this is pretty much how we carried on. Mostly things were ok between us. Every now and again he'd suddenly turn really nasty with me. He's VERY jealous and it was always about me looking at someone/them looking at me etc Never with any basis at all. I always put the nastiness down to the jealousy, though now I see it was the drink that actually made him “flip” so suddenly. Mostly just verbally but he has thrown me around, pushed me etc. Never hit me though (don't know why I'm saying it like that's something good!!). As soon as I could see the signs that he was turning nasty I would be a nervous wreck, walking on egg-shells desperate not to antagonise him. I used to make sure I was never facing other men when we were out, or stare in another direction if one was in front of me! We have never had a social life because I could never be friendly with another man without him thinking something was going on. If anything did upset him he would just drink even more, though like I said it was always a lot.
Anyway, that's all irrelevant now, but at the time I thought his jealousy was the problem. Now I think it was the drink all along.
Fast forward several years and we're now married with 3 young children (oldest is 6). He still drinks excessively, I think it's gradually crept up over the years, but until recently I never used to monitor it so had no real idea how much it was. Meanwhile, once I was pregnant with my first child I gave up drinking completely and now have 3 or 4 glasses of wine per week.
He drinks virtually evey day. Sometimes just 2 beers sometimes huge amounts. I am in the UK and our units are different to yours, but he drinks about 120 of our units – I think about 68 US units per week. Equivalent to about 4 “fifths” of sprits anyway (per week). Though he mostly drinks wine. That's average some weeks a lot more, some less. It's nearly a year since I started monitoring it and that's how much he's drunk in this time. (I'm a bit obsessed with counting it now!). Mostly he's not nasty (and never violent), but I do generally go to bed before he's had too much, and I don't drink much so am always on my guard. Though I do realise it's his mood that changes not really anything I do. He does just flip.
Mostly he is just drunk. Slurring, talking rubbish. Asking me things then not letting me answer, totally dominating any conversation. Just not a nice person to be around. If he comes to bed he stinks of booze, snores, coughs and is still unpleasant to be around. I pretend to be asleep as I don't want him either talking to me or being “affectionate”. He mostly manages to go to work ok (responsible job). Though he has missed occasional days or been late quite often. At weekends he sleeps a lot. We rarely go out as a family – I take the kids out by myself.
He turned nasty the other day, told me to F*** off” called me names etc. I didn't speak to him for a few days until I finally got an apology – almost unheard of. He doesn't even remember what he did. I don't feel any happier and just keep crying. I told him he's a horrible drunk, that I never know when he's going to turn and just try to avoid him. He's hardly drunk anything for the last two days, but I know nothing has changed.
The kids adore their dad. They haven't yet noticed the effect alcohol has on him. Though the oldest does say “he's always drinking beer or sleeping”. Sometimes he's hungover/tired and “snarls” at them sometimes he's still drunk in the mornings and kind of over-exuberant with them.
I dread the time that they start to realise his behaviour isn't normal (or maybe worse to think that it is!!). I hate the idea that one of my daughters could end up living the life I have. I am so lonely in my marriage. I have never confided in any friends about this. My friends are all much more assertive than me and wouldn't understand why I haven't done something about it – given ultimatums etc. I am a door mat. I have a complete phobia about confrontation (in all areas of my life). So somehow I just carry on. I am getting more and more unhappy. His drinking disgusts me. He disgust me a lot of the time. I can't remember when I started feeling like this.
There are times I think why can't I just carry on ignoring it. So long as he's not nasty that's mostly what I do. Is it me who's got the wrong attitude in letting it bother me? That's what he thinks. If drinking makes him happy what right have I to stop him? It's my fault if I let it make me unhappy? I don't know. He sees it as he goes to work, he earns money, he does some stuff round the house...so what it if he enjoys his “pop”.
My children are by far the most important things in my life. Until very recently I thought I could NEVER leave him. I couldn't break their hearts, and I couldn't do it to him. Now I sometimes think I could. My head goes round and round in circles. Maybe if I was more assertive I would give him an ultimatum, make him stop drinking and keep the family together. Sometimes I'm not sure if my feelings have gone beyond that anyway. Then other times I get little glimmers of how I used to feel about him. Round and round it all goes. If I did leave him, could I trust him alone with the kids? At least I am always there at the moment. I am so tired of always being responsible.
Sorry, I am definitely rambling.
I am not even convinced that he is an alcoholic. He has given up completely for several weeks at a time (when he's been dieting). He doesn't seem to have any of the physical symptoms of alcoholism. He's quite fit (plays a lot of squash), though also quite overweight.
I'm not sure what else to say. I don't know what I'm looking for here. Just wanted to get some of this off my chest. Feel so dragged down by it all at the moment.
If you've managed to read this far – thank-you.
This is my first post on here, I have recently found the forum and have been reading your stories. I can find lots of similarities with my life – main difference being you all seem much more forceful/capable in trying to change your husbands. I have lived with my husbands heavy drinking ever since I've known him, and apart from occasions (too many) when he has turned nasty and I've complained, cried, not spoken etc I mostly just try to ignore it.
I'm trying to get everything straight in my head so sorry if I am rambling.
We've been together for about 15 years. When we first got together we used to drink together a lot and I didn't think anything of it. I was 25 and still in that college mentality of drinking to have fun. I didn't even consider the fact that he was in his late 30's and maybe most people don't drink this way then. Soon we moved in together and continued drinking. Every Fri/Sat night at least we would be in the pub together drinking, both of us gettting drunk. Though he would carry on drinking when we got home, whilst I would stop.
Over the years this is pretty much how we carried on. Mostly things were ok between us. Every now and again he'd suddenly turn really nasty with me. He's VERY jealous and it was always about me looking at someone/them looking at me etc Never with any basis at all. I always put the nastiness down to the jealousy, though now I see it was the drink that actually made him “flip” so suddenly. Mostly just verbally but he has thrown me around, pushed me etc. Never hit me though (don't know why I'm saying it like that's something good!!). As soon as I could see the signs that he was turning nasty I would be a nervous wreck, walking on egg-shells desperate not to antagonise him. I used to make sure I was never facing other men when we were out, or stare in another direction if one was in front of me! We have never had a social life because I could never be friendly with another man without him thinking something was going on. If anything did upset him he would just drink even more, though like I said it was always a lot.
Anyway, that's all irrelevant now, but at the time I thought his jealousy was the problem. Now I think it was the drink all along.
Fast forward several years and we're now married with 3 young children (oldest is 6). He still drinks excessively, I think it's gradually crept up over the years, but until recently I never used to monitor it so had no real idea how much it was. Meanwhile, once I was pregnant with my first child I gave up drinking completely and now have 3 or 4 glasses of wine per week.
He drinks virtually evey day. Sometimes just 2 beers sometimes huge amounts. I am in the UK and our units are different to yours, but he drinks about 120 of our units – I think about 68 US units per week. Equivalent to about 4 “fifths” of sprits anyway (per week). Though he mostly drinks wine. That's average some weeks a lot more, some less. It's nearly a year since I started monitoring it and that's how much he's drunk in this time. (I'm a bit obsessed with counting it now!). Mostly he's not nasty (and never violent), but I do generally go to bed before he's had too much, and I don't drink much so am always on my guard. Though I do realise it's his mood that changes not really anything I do. He does just flip.
Mostly he is just drunk. Slurring, talking rubbish. Asking me things then not letting me answer, totally dominating any conversation. Just not a nice person to be around. If he comes to bed he stinks of booze, snores, coughs and is still unpleasant to be around. I pretend to be asleep as I don't want him either talking to me or being “affectionate”. He mostly manages to go to work ok (responsible job). Though he has missed occasional days or been late quite often. At weekends he sleeps a lot. We rarely go out as a family – I take the kids out by myself.
He turned nasty the other day, told me to F*** off” called me names etc. I didn't speak to him for a few days until I finally got an apology – almost unheard of. He doesn't even remember what he did. I don't feel any happier and just keep crying. I told him he's a horrible drunk, that I never know when he's going to turn and just try to avoid him. He's hardly drunk anything for the last two days, but I know nothing has changed.
The kids adore their dad. They haven't yet noticed the effect alcohol has on him. Though the oldest does say “he's always drinking beer or sleeping”. Sometimes he's hungover/tired and “snarls” at them sometimes he's still drunk in the mornings and kind of over-exuberant with them.
I dread the time that they start to realise his behaviour isn't normal (or maybe worse to think that it is!!). I hate the idea that one of my daughters could end up living the life I have. I am so lonely in my marriage. I have never confided in any friends about this. My friends are all much more assertive than me and wouldn't understand why I haven't done something about it – given ultimatums etc. I am a door mat. I have a complete phobia about confrontation (in all areas of my life). So somehow I just carry on. I am getting more and more unhappy. His drinking disgusts me. He disgust me a lot of the time. I can't remember when I started feeling like this.
There are times I think why can't I just carry on ignoring it. So long as he's not nasty that's mostly what I do. Is it me who's got the wrong attitude in letting it bother me? That's what he thinks. If drinking makes him happy what right have I to stop him? It's my fault if I let it make me unhappy? I don't know. He sees it as he goes to work, he earns money, he does some stuff round the house...so what it if he enjoys his “pop”.
My children are by far the most important things in my life. Until very recently I thought I could NEVER leave him. I couldn't break their hearts, and I couldn't do it to him. Now I sometimes think I could. My head goes round and round in circles. Maybe if I was more assertive I would give him an ultimatum, make him stop drinking and keep the family together. Sometimes I'm not sure if my feelings have gone beyond that anyway. Then other times I get little glimmers of how I used to feel about him. Round and round it all goes. If I did leave him, could I trust him alone with the kids? At least I am always there at the moment. I am so tired of always being responsible.
Sorry, I am definitely rambling.
I am not even convinced that he is an alcoholic. He has given up completely for several weeks at a time (when he's been dieting). He doesn't seem to have any of the physical symptoms of alcoholism. He's quite fit (plays a lot of squash), though also quite overweight.
I'm not sure what else to say. I don't know what I'm looking for here. Just wanted to get some of this off my chest. Feel so dragged down by it all at the moment.
If you've managed to read this far – thank-you.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
(((Mary))) Welcome! I hope you'll keep reading and posting here - this site has really helped me a lot.
You sound so down in our post. Do you think you may have depression? A visit to your GP might help if you do.
Have you read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie? Its a great book with good solid advice on how to make life better for yourself.
More posters will be on their way to offer their experience and wisdom.
Take care of yourself. :ghug
You sound so down in our post. Do you think you may have depression? A visit to your GP might help if you do.
Have you read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie? Its a great book with good solid advice on how to make life better for yourself.
More posters will be on their way to offer their experience and wisdom.
Take care of yourself. :ghug
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Mary, welcome.
I'm glad you could get this off your chest -- that was my "first step" too: to admit, out loud, that my life had gotten out of control and that I was (for the most part) very unhappy in my relationship.
I too would suggest starting by reading the book that bookwyrm mentions. It helped me a great deal. I would also carefully read the "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum. Learning all we can about all of alcoholism's ugly faces is important education. If there are Al-Anon meetings near you (free and available to friends/family of alcoholics) those too can be invaluable sources of support as you work through this.
You say that we sound capable. Well, I can tell you that NONE of us sounded that way when we first arrived through SR's door. The vast majority of the people you see as forceful were desperately lost, confused, broken, and sad when they arrived.
It is a good place to work through your feelings, gather advice, try new ways of looking at things/reacting to things, and grow your spirit.
As an adult child of alcoholics, I have to warn you: don't think for a minute that your kids aren't being affected "yet" by your husband's alcoholism. In my case and in the cases of many others, that "adoring my dad" was simply me tiptoeing around, being the good and happy daughter, trying to love him into paying more attention to me than to his current drink. It took me twenty years to begin to overcome the damage that had been done to me as a child.
You deserve a happy life, Mary, and so do your children. I'm glad you've come here...I think you'll find good help here.
I'm glad you could get this off your chest -- that was my "first step" too: to admit, out loud, that my life had gotten out of control and that I was (for the most part) very unhappy in my relationship.
I too would suggest starting by reading the book that bookwyrm mentions. It helped me a great deal. I would also carefully read the "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum. Learning all we can about all of alcoholism's ugly faces is important education. If there are Al-Anon meetings near you (free and available to friends/family of alcoholics) those too can be invaluable sources of support as you work through this.
You say that we sound capable. Well, I can tell you that NONE of us sounded that way when we first arrived through SR's door. The vast majority of the people you see as forceful were desperately lost, confused, broken, and sad when they arrived.
It is a good place to work through your feelings, gather advice, try new ways of looking at things/reacting to things, and grow your spirit.
As an adult child of alcoholics, I have to warn you: don't think for a minute that your kids aren't being affected "yet" by your husband's alcoholism. In my case and in the cases of many others, that "adoring my dad" was simply me tiptoeing around, being the good and happy daughter, trying to love him into paying more attention to me than to his current drink. It took me twenty years to begin to overcome the damage that had been done to me as a child.
You deserve a happy life, Mary, and so do your children. I'm glad you've come here...I think you'll find good help here.
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
Welcome, for me leaving was the only option I had for my kids. In no way shape or form did I want them around their Dad no matter how much they loved him, he was a saftey issue, I could not leave my children in his hands, when I did the worst happened and that was it!
Like Givelove said, some of us sound strong, well put together, but when I got here I was a wreck, close to suicide. This place changed my life, so did Allanon, I'm not on here as much any more but I value SR the people here have always given me sound advice, and remember it is advice and our own personal experiance.
Good luck, and reach out here we welcome you.
Like Givelove said, some of us sound strong, well put together, but when I got here I was a wreck, close to suicide. This place changed my life, so did Allanon, I'm not on here as much any more but I value SR the people here have always given me sound advice, and remember it is advice and our own personal experiance.
Good luck, and reach out here we welcome you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Hi Mary and also welcome. As GiveLove says, we all come here not in the best shape. I know I did not and I am still working on it.
Some of the things you spoke of rang true with me too--especially the "how much is this impacting the kids" My children are 4 and 8. The 8 year old already has noticed how much Daddy drinks and sometimes is afraid to go to restaurants with him because he might get drunk and embarass him. AH also gets very nasty when drunk or when confronted with his drinking and the impact it has on the family. I think he has very much gone into the stage GiveLove talks about--can I be good enough so my Dad will love me or so he won't get mad or so he won't drink.
Yesterday was an enlightening day for me. My older son actually asked me yesterday--why won't Daddy stop drinking for me and my brother so we can have a better life. Why is he always so mad at you. I hate when you get into arguments (and we are because I am trying to get the separation/divorce proceedings going and he does have to participate since we have children). Yesterday he told our older son that I hate him and that what I think is just wrong.
Also, yesterday the 4 year old son who adores Daddy told me that sometimes Daddy gets really mad and scares him.
I have been trying to leave for the last 6 months but that foolish codie behavior crops up--maybe this time, maybe this time. As I read your post I sit here with a realtors card in my hand. I know it is time to leave. The lovely thing is that our 12 year anniversary is in a couple weeks so I feel hesitant about leaving now because that would be misconstrued as me twisting the knife.
The one thing I have learned from AH is that I cannot control him. I told my son his too--nothing he is doing is making his Dad drink and he can do nothing to stop his Dad from drinking.
I too worry about my children growing up in this environment because I also grew up with an alcoholic and it took a long time (and I am still working on it) to heal. I don't want my kids to have to do that. Also, I do not ever want them to think what their Dad is doing is normal and OK.
Some of the things you spoke of rang true with me too--especially the "how much is this impacting the kids" My children are 4 and 8. The 8 year old already has noticed how much Daddy drinks and sometimes is afraid to go to restaurants with him because he might get drunk and embarass him. AH also gets very nasty when drunk or when confronted with his drinking and the impact it has on the family. I think he has very much gone into the stage GiveLove talks about--can I be good enough so my Dad will love me or so he won't get mad or so he won't drink.
Yesterday was an enlightening day for me. My older son actually asked me yesterday--why won't Daddy stop drinking for me and my brother so we can have a better life. Why is he always so mad at you. I hate when you get into arguments (and we are because I am trying to get the separation/divorce proceedings going and he does have to participate since we have children). Yesterday he told our older son that I hate him and that what I think is just wrong.
Also, yesterday the 4 year old son who adores Daddy told me that sometimes Daddy gets really mad and scares him.
I have been trying to leave for the last 6 months but that foolish codie behavior crops up--maybe this time, maybe this time. As I read your post I sit here with a realtors card in my hand. I know it is time to leave. The lovely thing is that our 12 year anniversary is in a couple weeks so I feel hesitant about leaving now because that would be misconstrued as me twisting the knife.
The one thing I have learned from AH is that I cannot control him. I told my son his too--nothing he is doing is making his Dad drink and he can do nothing to stop his Dad from drinking.
I too worry about my children growing up in this environment because I also grew up with an alcoholic and it took a long time (and I am still working on it) to heal. I don't want my kids to have to do that. Also, I do not ever want them to think what their Dad is doing is normal and OK.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Hi Mary. You'll find lots to read on this site, lots to reflect on from the others.
Alcoholism is something that sneaks into our lives (whether we are the users, or the bystanders) it creeps in gradually, over a period of time. I think that is why it gets such a strong foothold in our lives. No wonder why we are all struggling so with what to do about it!
For me, after 27 years, I called it enough. My X couldn't quit, and I'd reached the end of my rope. Much happier now! I look back and wish I'd done something sooner, but that is life. All I can do now is focus on the present and future. The baggage of the addiction is with my X now, and I no longer have to lug it around. My sons are happier as well.
Wishing you happiness too!
Alcoholism is something that sneaks into our lives (whether we are the users, or the bystanders) it creeps in gradually, over a period of time. I think that is why it gets such a strong foothold in our lives. No wonder why we are all struggling so with what to do about it!
For me, after 27 years, I called it enough. My X couldn't quit, and I'd reached the end of my rope. Much happier now! I look back and wish I'd done something sooner, but that is life. All I can do now is focus on the present and future. The baggage of the addiction is with my X now, and I no longer have to lug it around. My sons are happier as well.
Wishing you happiness too!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Mary I just wanted to tell you you are not alone, and we all here understand your feelings....
Have you thought about seeking individual counseling? It has helped many of us here.
Do not apologize for venting and talking as much as you need, believe me I've posted over 1000 posts... many times sad, desperate, re-hashing the same feeling or memory over and over... and all this wonderful people in SR have stuck with me, shared their strength, experience & hope.
So please keep posting, we care a lot and there is much to learn
Hugs!!
Have you thought about seeking individual counseling? It has helped many of us here.
Do not apologize for venting and talking as much as you need, believe me I've posted over 1000 posts... many times sad, desperate, re-hashing the same feeling or memory over and over... and all this wonderful people in SR have stuck with me, shared their strength, experience & hope.
So please keep posting, we care a lot and there is much to learn
Hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: NH
Posts: 31
My little one is awake and crying but I wanted to say that you should (if you want) PM me. It sounds like we are living parallel lives. You can read my posts.... maybe we can help each other figure out what to do.... and how to make ourselves better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 17
Thank you all for your replies. I've not got much time now but didn't want you to think I wasn't reading and thinking about your posts.
Just to answer a couple of points. I would like to go to Al-Anon but unfortunately the only ones near me are in the evening, so unless I own up to where I'm going that would be impossible (maybe one day I'll be brave enough to tell him).
Haven't tried counselling, not something people do so much in the UK - but I might look into it.
I'll have a look for Co-Dependent No More. I've just ordered Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic by JG Woititz. Anyone read it? That will be my first bit of proper reading on the subject!
I am so grateful that you have all taken time to reply. It is quite heart-warming!
I am in a fairly positive mood today - he is away for the night so I can relax. Sad isn't it. I know he'll be getting drunk where he is but at least I won't have to deal with him/the consequences.
He knows he's upset me and has "only" had 2 beers the last two days but I know this won't last. He was sweating this morning - I wondered if it was due to the lack of alcohol.
I keep reading here, and a lot of the time keep thinking "he's not that bad" other people's stories seem far worse. Mostly he's not nasty, he holds down a responsible job etc. It's just he drinks an awful lot, so he's not himself an awful lot of the time.
rmm, thanks for your post. I've read some of your other posts and there to seem to be some really strong similarities in our situations. Some of your comments I could have written myself. I probably will pm you when I have a bit more time. Thanks.
Just to answer a couple of points. I would like to go to Al-Anon but unfortunately the only ones near me are in the evening, so unless I own up to where I'm going that would be impossible (maybe one day I'll be brave enough to tell him).
Haven't tried counselling, not something people do so much in the UK - but I might look into it.
I'll have a look for Co-Dependent No More. I've just ordered Marriage on the Rocks: Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic by JG Woititz. Anyone read it? That will be my first bit of proper reading on the subject!
I am so grateful that you have all taken time to reply. It is quite heart-warming!
I am in a fairly positive mood today - he is away for the night so I can relax. Sad isn't it. I know he'll be getting drunk where he is but at least I won't have to deal with him/the consequences.
He knows he's upset me and has "only" had 2 beers the last two days but I know this won't last. He was sweating this morning - I wondered if it was due to the lack of alcohol.
I keep reading here, and a lot of the time keep thinking "he's not that bad" other people's stories seem far worse. Mostly he's not nasty, he holds down a responsible job etc. It's just he drinks an awful lot, so he's not himself an awful lot of the time.
rmm, thanks for your post. I've read some of your other posts and there to seem to be some really strong similarities in our situations. Some of your comments I could have written myself. I probably will pm you when I have a bit more time. Thanks.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi MaryUK!!
These are Al anon groups online
Al-Anon Chat Meetings -- Online Al-Anon Family Groups Chat Meetings
I would like to go to one with you but we are in diff time zones! however I hope you make it to one of them. That is easier for us, I also haven't been in a face to face meeting due to work!! very frustrating.
:ghug2
These are Al anon groups online
Al-Anon Chat Meetings -- Online Al-Anon Family Groups Chat Meetings
I would like to go to one with you but we are in diff time zones! however I hope you make it to one of them. That is easier for us, I also haven't been in a face to face meeting due to work!! very frustrating.
:ghug2
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Mary,
I'm just curious - you hesitate to tell him you're going to Al-anon meetings but you have that book Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic in the house? Are you hiding it?
I'm just curious - you hesitate to tell him you're going to Al-anon meetings but you have that book Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic in the house? Are you hiding it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Still Waters 
Mary,
I'm just curious - you hesitate to tell him you're going to Al-anon meetings but you have that book Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic in the house? Are you hiding it?
I'm just curious - you hesitate to tell him you're going to Al-anon meetings but you have that book Learning to Live with Yourself and an Alcoholic in the house? Are you hiding it?
I'm a complete coward. I've not got the book yet (waiting for it to be delivered) but yes, when it comes I will hide it.
I am very laid back (generally!) and have a complete phobia about confrontations (with anyone) which to a large extent is how I have found myself in this situation.
I think if things bugged me, I ignored them; if they drove me mad, I gritted my teeth and pretended to ignore them; if things upset me, I was upset and then got over it etc etc. I made hardly any complaints and was always desperate to keep/make peace if there was a problem. Issues were never dealt with.
So now I'm at point where nothing major has happened but suddenly I can't stand ANY of it! If that makes sense. I am absolutely FILLED with resentment. And fury a lot of the time. Feel like I just need to let rip and let it all come pouring out. Not something I EVER do. I know I sound pathetic. I'm 40 years old and can't just talk to my husband calmly like an adult.
A friend asked if I was ok the other day when I snapped at one of my children. I said I was fine - "just tired". For a moment I felt like saying something but knew if I did I'd be in floods of tears. And I'd get loads of well-meaning advice like "don't put up with it", "tell him he can't drink that much" etc etc. I'm so ashamed of MYSELF it's like confessing that I've got a guilty secret
Anyway, that's all for now. Going to enjoy a few minutes peace before the kids wake up.
And before I use my quota of embarrassed smilies!! (Was joking when I wrote that but it seems I did!!! Only 3 allowed!).
When Pigs Fly
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
You sound like me, I never EVER said anything to my EX about his drinking, we were the perfect family, you know the kind, big house eith a pool, expensive cars, he has a great job, stay at home Mom, I had the life right? Pure Hell, my silence almost killed our oldest, when he drove her in his car whn he clearly could not do so, she was frightened out of her mind, I kicked him out that day. Friends, family & neighbors were shocked. We were the perfrct family! Right! Any way I feel that "hidding" things cost me more then they had to, it was to late for me to save my marriage, but I think sometimes had I reached out sooner to people, allanon, even my husband maybe just maybe............
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I can relate Mary - I got to the point where I was almost completely immobilized. I was frightened to make a decision, since any one I made would invariably turn out badly. I was afraid NOT to make a decision, because something had to change.
All this made my physically ill - and part of that showed up in my lack of patience (and tact).
A big step is overcoming that fear Mary. Trust your gut, because a trusted friend to confide in is precious indeed. We all need that human touch and support. For me it was my counselor/therapist and my Mom. Without them I honestly don't know if I would even be here today to type this.
When we live in that constant state of fear, guilt, and anxiety we're like a tape running in and endless loop. An endless soul crushing loop. It's a vicious cycle that never ends until we decide to break free of it.
I'll be praying for you to find that catalyst you need Mary, there is so much life to live outside that loop - for all of us.
All this made my physically ill - and part of that showed up in my lack of patience (and tact).
A friend asked if I was ok the other day when I snapped at one of my children. I said I was fine - "just tired". For a moment I felt like saying something but knew if I did I'd be in floods of tears. And I'd get loads of well-meaning advice like "don't put up with it", "tell him he can't drink that much" etc etc. I'm so ashamed of MYSELF it's like confessing that I've got a guilty secret
When we live in that constant state of fear, guilt, and anxiety we're like a tape running in and endless loop. An endless soul crushing loop. It's a vicious cycle that never ends until we decide to break free of it.
I'll be praying for you to find that catalyst you need Mary, there is so much life to live outside that loop - for all of us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 17
THanks to Still Waters/Kermit, I 'm glad (in a funny kind of way) that I'm not the only person who seems to deal with this problem by not dealing with it at all!
I sometimes find myself wishing he was worse than he is so my choice would be clear. I sometimes feel that I'm just being selfish. Why shouldn't he drink? I'ts only me who wants him to stop (so far).
He's being "good" at the moment. Though I know he got drunk on Saturday when he was away.
TakingCharge999, how do the online Al-Anon meetings "work"? I'm just imagining everyone madly typing at the same time! Would prefer to go to a real meeting but will probably give an online one a go. Thanks.
I sometimes find myself wishing he was worse than he is so my choice would be clear. I sometimes feel that I'm just being selfish. Why shouldn't he drink? I'ts only me who wants him to stop (so far).
He's being "good" at the moment. Though I know he got drunk on Saturday when he was away.
TakingCharge999, how do the online Al-Anon meetings "work"? I'm just imagining everyone madly typing at the same time! Would prefer to go to a real meeting but will probably give an online one a go. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 12
Dear Mary, you are not a coward. Your post strikes a chord with me. I was in your spot maybe 10-12 years ago, trying to "Keep Calm and Carry On" while inside I was a wreck. Looking back, I realize I was safeguarding...what? The myth of the happy family? Why?
I was also very ignorant. I'd never known an alcoholic and could barely speak the word.
To make a long story short, my husband eventually embraced recovery, started going to meetings (lately he's overboard with the meetings but that's another issue) and truly found a new path. 7 years sober.
After just a few weeks of his going to meetings, I started to trust the process. I remember thinking, "It is so very simple and powerful. Why did no one tell me about this?"
And I realized it was because I never reached out. Never showed anyone my pain and anxiety.
NEVER apologize for not knowing what to do or where to turn. And don't suppress your feelings. Turn them into something positive by taking steps to make life better for you. Seek help. ASK. (there's a lot of wisdom here; when I logged on recently it said my last post was in 2005 and I had to re-register). But I remember being impressed by how caring and articulate people are.
You're taking steps to learn about this illness. If he was a diabetic you would read up on diabetes. He is an alcoholic, so it's a loving thing you're doing, learning about it.
Take care.
Keep Calm and Freak Out if you have to. :-)
I was also very ignorant. I'd never known an alcoholic and could barely speak the word.
To make a long story short, my husband eventually embraced recovery, started going to meetings (lately he's overboard with the meetings but that's another issue) and truly found a new path. 7 years sober.
After just a few weeks of his going to meetings, I started to trust the process. I remember thinking, "It is so very simple and powerful. Why did no one tell me about this?"
And I realized it was because I never reached out. Never showed anyone my pain and anxiety.
NEVER apologize for not knowing what to do or where to turn. And don't suppress your feelings. Turn them into something positive by taking steps to make life better for you. Seek help. ASK. (there's a lot of wisdom here; when I logged on recently it said my last post was in 2005 and I had to re-register). But I remember being impressed by how caring and articulate people are.
You're taking steps to learn about this illness. If he was a diabetic you would read up on diabetes. He is an alcoholic, so it's a loving thing you're doing, learning about it.
Take care.
Keep Calm and Freak Out if you have to. :-)
Originally Posted by MaryUK
I'm a complete coward. I've not got the book yet (waiting for it to be delivered) but yes, when it comes I will hide it.
I am very laid back (generally!) and have a complete phobia about confrontations (with anyone) which to a large extent is how I have found myself in this situation.
I think if things bugged me, I ignored them; if they drove me mad, I gritted my teeth and pretended to ignore them; if things upset me, I was upset and then got over it etc etc. I made hardly any complaints and was always desperate to keep/make peace if there was a problem. Issues were never dealt with.
So now I'm at point where nothing major has happened but suddenly I can't stand ANY of it! If that makes sense. I am absolutely FILLED with resentment. And fury a lot of the time. Feel like I just need to let rip and let it all come pouring out. Not something I EVER do. I know I sound pathetic. I'm 40 years old and can't just talk to my husband calmly like an adult.
A friend asked if I was ok the other day when I snapped at one of my children. I said I was fine - "just tired". For a moment I felt like saying something but knew if I did I'd be in floods of tears. And I'd get loads of well-meaning advice like "don't put up with it", "tell him he can't drink that much" etc etc. I'm so ashamed of MYSELF it's like confessing that I've got a guilty secret
Anyway, that's all for now. Going to enjoy a few minutes peace before the kids wake up.
And before I use my quota of embarrassed smilies!! (Was joking when I wrote that but it seems I did!!! Only 3 allowed!).
I am very laid back (generally!) and have a complete phobia about confrontations (with anyone) which to a large extent is how I have found myself in this situation.
I think if things bugged me, I ignored them; if they drove me mad, I gritted my teeth and pretended to ignore them; if things upset me, I was upset and then got over it etc etc. I made hardly any complaints and was always desperate to keep/make peace if there was a problem. Issues were never dealt with.
So now I'm at point where nothing major has happened but suddenly I can't stand ANY of it! If that makes sense. I am absolutely FILLED with resentment. And fury a lot of the time. Feel like I just need to let rip and let it all come pouring out. Not something I EVER do. I know I sound pathetic. I'm 40 years old and can't just talk to my husband calmly like an adult.
A friend asked if I was ok the other day when I snapped at one of my children. I said I was fine - "just tired". For a moment I felt like saying something but knew if I did I'd be in floods of tears. And I'd get loads of well-meaning advice like "don't put up with it", "tell him he can't drink that much" etc etc. I'm so ashamed of MYSELF it's like confessing that I've got a guilty secret
Anyway, that's all for now. Going to enjoy a few minutes peace before the kids wake up.
And before I use my quota of embarrassed smilies!! (Was joking when I wrote that but it seems I did!!! Only 3 allowed!).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 26
I think for me, the kids were my true motivation. Like you, we drank together for years and never realized the magnitude, until he lost his job. He swears that it was unrelated, and I mostly believe him. But, that was where his bottom came into play. I found myself searching his things. It's possible, on those days he "doesn't drink", he's actually doing a fine job of not letting you know about it. I was shocked to find out how much drinking was actually going on. I think, for many years, he was just a functioning alcoholic. I also don't think that alcohol affected him in that "way" until the time leading up to and right after the job loss. I think the drinking WITH the depression is what put him over.
Anyway, sorry, this is only my second post so I'm a bit to rambling at the moment. My point is, the kids, if nothing else, should be your reason to stand up and put your foot down. You don't want them to do as he does, or feel as you feel. My child (only had 1 at the time) was my motivation that said, quit alcohol, or leave. IT was one of, if not THE hardest things I have ever done. I ached. I actually could feel my heart break.
Ok, I thought about deleting this, but won't. I hope something I have said has made sense. I remember the ultimate pain but try to focus on yourself and your children. You can do it.
Anyway, sorry, this is only my second post so I'm a bit to rambling at the moment. My point is, the kids, if nothing else, should be your reason to stand up and put your foot down. You don't want them to do as he does, or feel as you feel. My child (only had 1 at the time) was my motivation that said, quit alcohol, or leave. IT was one of, if not THE hardest things I have ever done. I ached. I actually could feel my heart break.
Ok, I thought about deleting this, but won't. I hope something I have said has made sense. I remember the ultimate pain but try to focus on yourself and your children. You can do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 17
Thank-you, Finding Balance. You're right my children have to be my main motivation at all times. I think they are anyway, but sometimes it's hard to be clear what is best for them now, and in the future. I guess I just have to go with the way things are and keep reassessing. (Sound very clinical!).
Have been doing quite a lot of reading. Whizzed through "Marriage on the Rocks" and am now reading it again more slowly. Quite interesting, but in a way made me wonder if I'm making mountains out of molehills. Kept talking about alcoholics who were violent, smashed the place up, staggering home drunk. None of which my husband does. Generally he sits quietly at home drinking until he passes out. Which I absolutely HATE, but I'm not suffering the same problems as a lot of wives. He sees it as he works hard, earns the money and enjoys his "pop". I see it as he turns into someone I don't like, don't respect, don't want to be around, doesn't spend time with the family, makes me constantly worry etc.
Ok, with the reading I am being told that basically I have to let him get on with it??? Is that right? I can accept that I can't control it... but then it is another HUGE step to just stop trying!! It would mean accepting he will never give up. He is functioning, nowhere near rock bottom, he's got a home, wife family, job. Why would he stop? If I accept that it is all down to him, it means accepting living the life I have now, or leaving. Both seem unacceptable right now.
Anyway, it's early days for me in learning about all this. Have been reading the stickies, and lots more on here. I've ordered Codependent No More and Getting Them Sober. I have a cunning plan... I'm going to take up yoga. Partly because I've always wanted to do it, and I think it might help me to relax, but also because it will give me an "alibi" so I can sometimes go to Al-Anon meetings. (If you've read this thread so far, you already know I'm a complete coward).
I know it's being a bit dishonest, but it's given me something to look forward to, and can only be good for me??
So, feeling a bit more positive today. Wasn't yesterday after I spent a night (not) sleeping on the sofa after he came to bed drunk - he'd drunk the equivalent of almost a bottle (fifth) of spirits (but in wine). He got up the next day and went to work, although slightly late. I don't know how he does it (practise I guess).
Anyway, thanks for reading.
Mary
Have been doing quite a lot of reading. Whizzed through "Marriage on the Rocks" and am now reading it again more slowly. Quite interesting, but in a way made me wonder if I'm making mountains out of molehills. Kept talking about alcoholics who were violent, smashed the place up, staggering home drunk. None of which my husband does. Generally he sits quietly at home drinking until he passes out. Which I absolutely HATE, but I'm not suffering the same problems as a lot of wives. He sees it as he works hard, earns the money and enjoys his "pop". I see it as he turns into someone I don't like, don't respect, don't want to be around, doesn't spend time with the family, makes me constantly worry etc.
Ok, with the reading I am being told that basically I have to let him get on with it??? Is that right? I can accept that I can't control it... but then it is another HUGE step to just stop trying!! It would mean accepting he will never give up. He is functioning, nowhere near rock bottom, he's got a home, wife family, job. Why would he stop? If I accept that it is all down to him, it means accepting living the life I have now, or leaving. Both seem unacceptable right now.
Anyway, it's early days for me in learning about all this. Have been reading the stickies, and lots more on here. I've ordered Codependent No More and Getting Them Sober. I have a cunning plan... I'm going to take up yoga. Partly because I've always wanted to do it, and I think it might help me to relax, but also because it will give me an "alibi" so I can sometimes go to Al-Anon meetings. (If you've read this thread so far, you already know I'm a complete coward).
I know it's being a bit dishonest, but it's given me something to look forward to, and can only be good for me??
So, feeling a bit more positive today. Wasn't yesterday after I spent a night (not) sleeping on the sofa after he came to bed drunk - he'd drunk the equivalent of almost a bottle (fifth) of spirits (but in wine). He got up the next day and went to work, although slightly late. I don't know how he does it (practise I guess).
Anyway, thanks for reading.
Mary
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Mary, hugs to you...welcome to SR. I joined over a year ago when I first broke up with my abf for doing cocaine. I was in denial about his alcoholism-I thought cocaine was the problem. You would think that, having spent New Yrs Eve 2008 keeping cops from arresting him for a drunken temper tantrum would've woken me up...or maybe the fact that every other night he was out at bars with his drinking buddies...hmmm.
Anyway, we'd been off and on for 2 yrs..always something getting in the way...he came back promising not to do coke anymore. The last straw for me was the second time he broke that promise, 3 weeks ago. He then told me it was the drinking that made him do coke...he had a drinking problem...etc. Well, I guess he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. I challenged him to go a month without drinking. He made it 3 weeks, then decided July 4th was a good reason to go back to the bar, and let me walk away cuz he had broken his promise (he knew what the consequences would be.)
I feel very lucky that we didn't get married...we didn't have kids..and I didn't get so enmeshed in his life before realizing the truth.
I agree witht he other people who replied-you think your kids don't feel the effects of their dad's alcoholism? Of course they do. Kids know more than we think. And the fact that your child says "dad drinks and sleeps all the time"...that's a bit of a tip-off. This is not normal dad behavior, and your child knows it.
Yes, alcoholics can give up drink for short periods of time. I've read people say on this very forum, that they gave it up for a month, 6 months, even a year. But they're still alcoholics because they eventually go back to it, and they use it to cope with stress, they binge drink....etc.
I'm curious about this book that's telling you to just go with the flow and let him drink. Am I misunderstanding what you said about it? I mean, alcohol is so bad for your health. It's actually a toxic chemical. THe effects we feel when drunk are the liver's attempt to detox from the overload of nasty stuff it's being barraged with. That's what a hangover is. Anyone who drinks heavily for the longterm will end up with a host of health problems. Just ask your GP to have your husband's liver enzymes checked.
i'm not trying to scare you, but it sounds to me like you minimize your family's problems. This is natural, given how long you've been mired in this. I noticed that, things that I thought were INSANE...behaviors my axbf engaged in that made me go, WTF...his parents were sort of "ho hum." I mean, he got drunk and smashed my phone, and his computer...this freaked me out! I can't stand drunken violence, and I'm sorry-this is NOT normal. I was trying to use this incident as proof of his drinking problem, but his mother just kind of sighed and yawned about it.
I felt like I was the one seeing snipers on the roof, pointing them out and trying to get everyone to leave, but these people had been shot before and just sat around like sitting ducks. Not sure that's a good analogy, but I'm just saying...
Life with an alcoholic makes people adjust to think that behaviors and situations that other people in healthier life circumstances find crazy and intolerable are quite normal.
I'd recommend checking out the section of this forum where alcoholics post. It gives you a really good idea of what a horrible toll addiction takes on people, and helps you understand the "alcoholic brain", as my friend in recovery calls it!
Welcome again, and hugs to you Mary. Hang in there. You're smarter and stronger than you give yourself credit for!
Anyway, we'd been off and on for 2 yrs..always something getting in the way...he came back promising not to do coke anymore. The last straw for me was the second time he broke that promise, 3 weeks ago. He then told me it was the drinking that made him do coke...he had a drinking problem...etc. Well, I guess he was just telling me what I wanted to hear. I challenged him to go a month without drinking. He made it 3 weeks, then decided July 4th was a good reason to go back to the bar, and let me walk away cuz he had broken his promise (he knew what the consequences would be.)
I feel very lucky that we didn't get married...we didn't have kids..and I didn't get so enmeshed in his life before realizing the truth.
I agree witht he other people who replied-you think your kids don't feel the effects of their dad's alcoholism? Of course they do. Kids know more than we think. And the fact that your child says "dad drinks and sleeps all the time"...that's a bit of a tip-off. This is not normal dad behavior, and your child knows it.
Yes, alcoholics can give up drink for short periods of time. I've read people say on this very forum, that they gave it up for a month, 6 months, even a year. But they're still alcoholics because they eventually go back to it, and they use it to cope with stress, they binge drink....etc.
I'm curious about this book that's telling you to just go with the flow and let him drink. Am I misunderstanding what you said about it? I mean, alcohol is so bad for your health. It's actually a toxic chemical. THe effects we feel when drunk are the liver's attempt to detox from the overload of nasty stuff it's being barraged with. That's what a hangover is. Anyone who drinks heavily for the longterm will end up with a host of health problems. Just ask your GP to have your husband's liver enzymes checked.
i'm not trying to scare you, but it sounds to me like you minimize your family's problems. This is natural, given how long you've been mired in this. I noticed that, things that I thought were INSANE...behaviors my axbf engaged in that made me go, WTF...his parents were sort of "ho hum." I mean, he got drunk and smashed my phone, and his computer...this freaked me out! I can't stand drunken violence, and I'm sorry-this is NOT normal. I was trying to use this incident as proof of his drinking problem, but his mother just kind of sighed and yawned about it.
I felt like I was the one seeing snipers on the roof, pointing them out and trying to get everyone to leave, but these people had been shot before and just sat around like sitting ducks. Not sure that's a good analogy, but I'm just saying...
Life with an alcoholic makes people adjust to think that behaviors and situations that other people in healthier life circumstances find crazy and intolerable are quite normal.
I'd recommend checking out the section of this forum where alcoholics post. It gives you a really good idea of what a horrible toll addiction takes on people, and helps you understand the "alcoholic brain", as my friend in recovery calls it!
Welcome again, and hugs to you Mary. Hang in there. You're smarter and stronger than you give yourself credit for!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Also, I posted this article on someone else's thread...you might find it helpful.
How to Live (or Not Live) with an Alcoholic - Associated Content
How to Live (or Not Live) with an Alcoholic - Associated Content
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
