Rianestorm

Hi, I kinda don't know where to start. I'm the 24 year old daughter of 2 addicts. Unlike what seems to be most people here I did not just find out and I don't think I've ever been in denial about it. I never talk to people about it because it feels like whining and a bit pathetic. I live in an area where this is just normal and I sometimes feel like I'm wrong somehow for having a problem with it when everybody else seems content to simply follow in their parents footsteps.

I still live with them. I'm slightly physically disabled and while I have a place in the works I won't be able to move in for months yet. Possibly not till January. I'm kinda confused about the way I am. I don't know if it's because I've lived with this for as long as I can remember or if it's just my own natural wierdness.

I suppose I'm seeing this forum as a way to see if there's anyone else like me out there. I feel as if I need to take care of them, because they obviously don't know how to take care of themselves. But at the same time I feel so helpless. Like I just can't move. Like I don't know anything about the world outside of this... this unit, this town. I want so badly to be stable. Not necessarily normal, just not embroiled in drama every day. I don't think I could ever be normal, even if I wanted to be.

Both of them are bipolar, and neither of them take their meds. They prefer their 'meds' it seems. I get so disgusted I can't even explain the feeling. My Mom and Dad are both addicted to crack. My parents are crackheads. God.

My Dad is also an alcholic he doesn't drink often, but when he does it's truly awful. He also has a tendancy to slip into rages (anyone with a bipolar relative knows how terrifying that can be, when they're a lot stronger than you) and can be very violent. But you don't call the cops on daddy or you'll be in deep crap with mom too.

Sometimes I'm just so scared that I'll never be at peace, you know? I don't mean dead (don't worry) I just mean... not in mental turmoil all day every day. Even on the 'good days' I can't seem to relax. Ever. I just recently worked up the resolve to move out, and I've slowly begun taking back control of my money (God was that a fight). I get a disability check from the government every month and I would always just cash it and hand it over to them. Every penny. All the while knowing what they would be using my money for. It felt like I was killing my parents.

But ever since my surgeries I've been so reliant on them that I'm scared of being alone. But the thing is, I'm even more scared of what will happen when they die and I don't know what to do. I need to become self reliant before I don't have any other choice (if that makes sense). I was just hoping for some feedback. Thanks.

outonalimb

Rainestorm,

I'm so sorry about everything you've gone thru.

You're in a good place here at SR. There are so many of us who understand what you're saying and how you feel. It doesn't matter if the addict in our lives is our parent, our child, our spouse, or someone else close to us. We all know what it feels like to live in the drama and chaos...and to worry about the addict(s) and the choices they make.

The only thing I can say is that when I was living with my ex-addicted-husband (exah), I seriously wondered if I could go back to being 'normal' and leave the insanity behind. It amazed me how quickly my life changed for the better once I got out of the house and started to make a new life for myself.

I know its scary...change is always scary...just keep focusing on the next thing you can do to make your situation better...and pretty soon, the small changes add up to something good and healthy. ANd, with your plan to get your new place, it sounds like you're on your way.

Sending strength, prayers, and hope your way this morning...:ghug3
Welcome again to SR !!

Seren

It just breaks my heart that you have had to spend all of your young life in an environment like that. I'm so very pleased you will have a place of your own in January!

I'm sure it does feel as though you are abandoning them or leaving them to care for themselves when you believe that they can't do it.....but here is the kicker....they can do it. They are full-grown adults who managed to bring a beautiful child into this world. So.....they are responsible for their own care and feeding, for their own bills, for their own housework, for getting themselves to their jobs and all the rest. If they do not do all of these things, you are not to blame, you are not responsible.

I realize that right now you feel as though everything will go to heck if you leave.....but they just might surprise you!

Keep coming back to SR, keep reading, keep posting!!!! This is a great place. Hugs and best wishes. HG

hope213

my heart breaks for you. i am sorry you have had to go thru the things u have, i know about bipola & crack. my son is my addict. i am glad you have found us. i am glad you are going to move out. there is another way to live. maybe you can get some help from social services or hud to help you move even sooner. your parents are not your problem. you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. they are not your responsibilty even tho you are mighty brave, read around, read the stickys at the top of the forum. we r here for you. keep coming back & know we care. hugs & prayers,

riaerif

This is exactly where I'm at right now in my life with my mom, who is an addict. Her drama is all I've ever known in my life, too.

I'm only just starting to recognize I don't need to take care of her. It's really hard to free yourself from that burden and I haven't done it completely. Every second is a struggle for me to look at my life as separate from hers.

But that also means taking control of my own life and, because you've had some actual physical reasons to rely on your parents, well... I can't imagine how hard that is. My reasons are purely financial, but that's turning around.

What helped me was brief escapes. I got out for short periods and surrounded myself with "normal" people and it was great! It felt so fun and so free. And when my mom finally went to jail... OMG, it was heaven for me and my family.

It gives me something to hope for and something to reach for. I know you haven't had that, but I can honestly tell you there IS better out there. It's scary as hell to go for it and leave the comfort of what you know, but once you make that painful step, there is something so great on the other side.

I'm still struggling to figure out how to get there again by making the step myself instead of letting circumstances do it for me. Hopefully you'll figure out how to do things to keep going on that journey soon. I think you've already started it, though, just by recognizing the life you're in at the moment is not what you want and is not okay for you.

Rianestorm

Thank all of you so much for your support!

And riaerif, what you said about your mom being in jail? Thanks so much for that! I felt so guilty for feeling like but when you said that it made me feel a bit more normal.

It's so strange how I get when I'm on this site. My hands start shaking and I get so tense. It kinda makes me remember the time when I talked to the councelor at school about my parents. I got in soooo much trouble. I think I was 7 when that happened. It's really disturbing to think I'm still affected so much.