Yellowfeather

Hi! I am so glad to have found this site! I hope someone will be willing to share insights. My boyfriend (ex) seems to be in a successful recovery. That's so great! Because I didn't protect my boundaries during our relationship, tho. I"m depleted. I wish I was having such a good bounce back... Is this common? see below.

I recently left a 5-year relationship (in April) with a boyfriend who was a loveable alcholic. It made him stuck in unhappy job, things fell apart around him (Like his roof rotting), there was always a detachment between us, and he never got a divorce from the woman he was separated from when we started dating. I did the boundaryless thing of staying and staying through his troubles, even tho I was unhappy and unfulfilled much of the time (then things would seem great for a short while and I would begin the wait again.) See hooks that keep you boundaryless: I'm the wait-er! Finally, depleted, and resentful (I now realize my choice to have let myself get that way) and totally maxed out, and after a year+ of warning him that I would leave if things didn't change or if he didn't -try- to get help of some sort, I left him. Free! I reacquainted with a guy a knew 20 years ago, and began having lots and lots of fun. Joy. I was finding my way back to me. Good! I had no plans to be serious with new guy, just replenish and enjoy life.


My boyfriend (ex) freaked out, and it was a catalyst. He went into full blown depression, and tried to blame me for his collapse. I was scared, but I stuck to what I needed for me. To my complete surprise, he reached out for help, literally and spiritually. Desperation created a bridge to the divine or something, tho we are sort of secular in practice (though deeply spiritual I am inside). Real change has happened! At first I thought it was just so he could get me back in his life. But no, it seems very real and sustaining. It is happening so FAST. Unlike a ricoshade effect tho, it seems to be affecting all areas of his life.. Not only has he quit drinking, he is eating health food, he is exercising, he is doing yoga, he is cleaning up his house, he got rid of his TV (Before he always checked out with cable tv too.) He is reading books on recovery, going to a therapist, connecting with friends who went through AA (he is opting not to do so, but has found mentors of his own.) and he is doing other work, like contacting his abusive father to try and forgive him, etc. Wow. He looks healthy and seems so at peace.

I was feeling happier too, because I was no longer on this perpetual life-energy killing resentful waiting, and I was having fun with new guy and at age 40, learning how to surf, making travel plans! I've gone back to planting flowers and swimming...! I've had time with me without someone else's baggage weighing me down.

Ironically, it put us both in a better, happier place to really talk. We've both really listened. We've been connecting the way I have always wanted to. I feel really close to him right now. He is putting no pressure on me, and yet everytime I see him he reminds me how much he loves me and when I want to, he wants to get back together. He is out doing things and thriving, and it makes him so much more attractive to me. It makes me deeply curious what we could have now.

Here is the thing, the main reason why I write... I so want help with this! He is going through this tremendous experience... almost like a conversion expereience, really- it's like a conversion experience. And he is so into the changes he is making and the discoveries epiphanies he is having. I am so happy for him. He is becoming my dream guy. He wants to share it with me, and I want to share it with him, because I do love him. The thing is....
I"m not OK yet.

What do I do about not being OK yet? While he was checking out the last few years, smoking too much pot and always being buzzed on alcohol, I was sober, and frustrated much of the time. Now he is being himself, and the guy I always wanted to know and saw sustaining glimpses of when he was sober. I would love to be with this guy he is being now. But I am such a resentful mess. I'm not actively angry at him anymore, thank goodness. But I am feeling like I want to just think about me for a change. I want to rebel against the ways I sacrificed myself and my needs and have fun. The thing is, I know that when I get over my month or two of having fun, I will want to be with him and share all the good things. I'm scared he'll be gone by then. I'm scared he will not like I'm hanging out with another guy (even if it is just for fun) and he'll find someone else or close himself off from me, because it's the guy I left him for, and forget about us. In other words, I feel rushed to get back together, even though he is not pressuring me...

Have other women had difficulty bouncing back from the resentment and frustration once their alcoholic partners had conversion experiences? I so want to match his postiveness! I am so impressed with the changes he's made. (I tell him so and have been very encouraging.) Why is it that I still feel so depleted by what I went through with him? I wish I was bouncing back so quickly!! Am I being negative or unreasonable? My epiphanies are around having fun and not ignoring my needs to enjoy life. He is ready to do that, but I still associate him with the negative things I went through. erg.

Thanks for any guidance on the desire to match a recovering partner's conversion experience energy! It's a wonderful thing, and I wish i could respond with full enthusiasm!
Woops, such a long post... I hope it's OK.

Boleo

I am an Alcoholic and don't know much about this sort of thing but there is a Forum here:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

that specializes in this sort of thing. Also check out:

Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

mistycshore

I echo Boleo. Those issues are what the Friends and Family is for. Good luck! I hope you find a way to be okay.

GiveLove

I've moved this thread into Friends & Family where it will be much easier for folks with the right kind of experience to find it. Welcome to SR, yellowfeather!!

Yellowfeather

Thank you! I'm just figuring out all this, and how to figure out if the posts posted. Looks like it did, and thank you for transfering it where it oughta be.

naive

hi yellowfeather-

well, it sounds as if you know yourself quite well, and it also sounds like you want more time for your own recovery. if i may ask, what is your plan for recovery? are you in alanon? or therapy? have you worked the 12 steps of our (friends and family) program?

i'm thrilled, really, that your man got serious and appears to be embracing recovery. it's perfectly normal and acceptable that you need time to recover from the roller coaster ride and it sounds like he might be able to understand that.

i think what is complicating this situation perhaps is the other man. you might need to get off the fence on that one, it's not fair to either of the men really, if you harbour plans to return to your recovering boyfriend.

gerryP

Welcome to SR Yellowfeather,

How long has your boyfriend been in recovery?

TakingCharge999

hi

why the rush? your ex needed time to make all those changes and heal... you need your own time to change and heal, too.

why does this have to run according to his schedule?

if he is into you as much as you are into him he will wait for you.

i am glad and inspired about both of you changing for the best, just remember you are equally important

Bernadette

When I was tangled up and confused in my relationships w/ my alcoholic brothers or within my lousy marriage I was also obsessed with "how to react" to situations that popped up always thinking about how it might impact the alkie or the other person-- like if I do or say this right then...things will come out this way.

I was so far away from knowing what was healthy FOR ME!!!!

When I am in that place of anxiety, confusion, and focusing on outcomes and control, I've done well when I bring these things to an AlAnon meeting or to a counselor.

One-on-one counseling really helped me get to the nitty gritty of who I am and what I want, so that I am active and not reactive.

AlAnon completely turned my head around and gave me freedom from the obsession over my alcoholics!

Glad you're here!
peace,
b

johnboy1978

I'm new to this myself, but have started attending Al-Anon which is helpful to be in a group with many others who have had similar experiences to me; and have also started in on personal therapy. I discovered that I have severe clinical depression, and anxiety, and am starting to work through those issues for me. The biggest thing is to start doing things for yourself; I've always taken care of others, and never for myself. My self-esteem is non-existant, and I don't have a clue who I am as I have always identified myself as someone's other (Thomas' dad, Jessica's husband, my dad's son, etc.). It's going to be a lot of work, but I know that I'll be okay in the long run.

rmm

I wish I had a suggestion or advice for you-- I'm sorry I don't. I can tell you though that I feel very similar to you and have no idea what to do myself.

NicTKD

There are others that will love you.
There are others that you will love.

Yellowfeather

Thank you all of your for your replies and guidance! And for sharing your experiences,too.

As for me, I decided to neither go back to my ex boyfriend just yet nor continue with new happy positive guy, either. But when I drove to where happy guy to tell him so, I chickened out, and wasn't ready to give up the fun I'd been having, free of my ex's baggage, and the work it would take on my end to go through recovery with him, like a little rebellious child. My ex was so upset and in dispair that I couldn't call it off (I didn't tell him I was going to, wanted to tell him later, but he heard I went off for the weekend to visit him), he fell back into a deep depression. (His recovery has been 4 months long) He is coming out of the depression, but has decided to take care of --his-- boundaries and not have contact with me as long as I am seeing someone else. I understand and sympathize, respect him for taking care of boundaries- I sure never did. But wow. I wasn't planning to lose him altogether! I do love him, and I know he loves me. Now I have to choose to lose him or go back too soon for me. Or do I? I feel a little immature (at age 41)for running off with happy guy. My ex really had been working so hard, why am I running away NOW. Why not when things were bad? I stayed then. Of course, he got better -because- I left. Wow this is complicated. I guess I do need Al-anon. I wish we had one in our town. Maybe it is worth the drive to go elsewhere. It's so emotional. I don't want to give him up. I also don't want to lose myself like I did. I want to get back to me and my lighthearted self. Is it possible to do both after so much water under the bridge? I have to accept that I CHOSE to stay until I was absolutley depleted. If I had left before I was so spiritually emaciated by it, I might have actaully had enough strength to be with him and grow with him as he recovers. Why did I wait until I absolutly couldn't take it before leaving him. I so wish I was strong enough to be there with him now. Too, Someone else will reap the benefits, I 'spose. I feel like I'm in deep mourning. ...Thanks fo all your supportive words.

TrainWreckAgain

First, stop and give yourself some credit. You reached a point where you got out and made a series of very positive moves to get your life going in the right direction... a life where you are fulfilled and living for yourself, not someone else.

As to "losing him altogether," he is VERY early in his recovery. The fact that he became depressed because you started seeing someone else (when you are no longer together) is probably a sign that he has a long ways to go. What would be wrong with telling him, "I am not going to be seriously dating anyone for the next 6 months. If by some chance I do start, I will tell you. Let's check back with each other after we have had 6 months to work on ourselves." Or something to that effect.

Both of you could probably use some time to work on yourselves.

Kassie2

Hi Y,

I am new to this forum too. When my RAH started recovery, I knew that I had a lot of resentments. I took responsibility for them and let RAH know that I had to resolve this stuff and then would like us to go into counseling together to work them out.

I did a lot of listening to my RAH and what he was learning - b/c it was a complete change from the person he was. I learned a lot from what he told me. It helped me to deal with my resentments and distrust. I gained some perspective and only take steps I can afford to take emotionally.

We just started counselling. It seems that many of my resentments and trust issues disappear with understanding, RAH learning and taking responsibility, and learning on my own.

I think it is normal to have many issues when you have lived the chaotic life with an active alcoholic. I am married so I felt that I had to work on our relationship. If we weren't married, I don't know if I would. But I will say that given what I know now, I am glad to work things through.

Keep me posted - define what your real issues/goals are for the relationship and your life.

Yellowfeather

Thank you wise women! I really really appreciate your sharing with me, and I am finding it very helpful! I feel much better about taking the steps I'm doing now. it is so true, it hasn't been long that he has been in recovery, and he really must do this for himself. At the same time, perhaps down the road there will be space for us to work on it like Kassie has done. Meanwhile as Trainwreck ( ) suggested, deciding not to date anyone serious while I give him this window to work (while still living my life) seems right for me too for now. Maybe I will decide otherwise down the road.

There is a counselor who is seeing us both but individually... He tells me that for my ex-BF's (I still want to say BF) own true healing I need to leave him alone and let him have this crisis. He says it is his victim mentality that has contributed to -his- alcoholism -- the thought that "life is bad for me, so I deserve this reward (of a drink)", instead of realizing how much power he has to create his own life. The counselor is hoping being without me has shock ed him out of his comfort zones and will be impetus for him to get to the bottom of his problem and create another self-life concept. It is a chance for BF to decide not ot be a victim and do something... INteresting. The counselor just told me that yesterday. He added that if I go back to him because I love him and don't want to see him in pain over losing me "us" (when he hasn't really), I will be supporting the victim-thinking... I will once again be his balm like alcohol has been his balm, a substitute. When what he needs right now is not balm, but a change in his life.

hmm... I am such a care-taker. Do y'all feel this way, too? I remember when things shifted and I realized his love for me shifted from wanting to know me into wanting to bask in the safe affection I provided. It didn't seem bad, but it's when a dependency developed. He became dependant on me like alcohol or tv and his sofa. I never knew if he loved -me- or what I provided him. There is a difference. He didn't know that. Even though he is a sweetheart, He forgot I have an experience, too. He was so wrapped up in his own. Wow alcoholism can make someone self-centered, no? Even if they are totally warm, with good intentions.

I hope one day for us to both be empowered, AND also loving and affectionate. Empowered and loving. Wouldn't that be nice? So I have to keep that vision out in front. I want him to find his own power, even if I lose him in the process. If he heals and finds his own power to lead a healthy and full life, then that is truly loving him, together or not. (maybe! I still get skeered!)

And then, if it happens that he heals, finds his power, and I do too in this, and we DO end up together... then Oh the places we can go! I'm going to try!!

Thank you all the beautiful people who contribute to this site. It's so nice to have the support and step out of the isolation. I've been embarassed to talk to family and friends because they look down on me for being with someone with this problem, and totally missed out on his wonderful soul inside and his deep integrity. It kind of made me the defender of his integrity, ya know? Something I also need to watch. Champion of the underdog? That's not really fair assessment. Still, I wonder how many of us do that a little when we see someone unfairly judged that we love,a nd maybe that's part of the enabling? I could believe in him more than he believed in himself. Isn't that curious? Hmm, that's something to work on. Still I feel this way, too ---Loving someone enough to expect their best. That's a good thing. I just only put it to work conceptually, and didn't back it up, and let resentment and nagging set in when he didn't realize it too. I didn't change what I did, and I didn't take care of me in it, until recently.

Expecting him to be his best, and not taking less, and making my own choices for myself if he doesn't, is in a way an act of love. Do you think?

Thanks again to all of you! And good luck to those who are also searching. I guess we all are in out own ways.

Best wishes~
Yellowfeather

oncloud129

hi yellowfeather
I can relate to what you wrote. I am going through the same thing. I was with my boyfriend for almost three years. half of it he was actively drinking and the other half he was incarcerated or in rehab. each time he went away and came back i had a new person. parts of him had the same using traits and there were other parts that were new to me. I had and still have some resentments for the things i did for him and that he did to me. I know i could have walked away-- and sometimes i want to kick my a** for not doing that. but s**t happens right!

well he came home again about 2 weeks ago from a 90 day coed inpatient rehab. he changed again-- i felt like he was pulling away from me halfway through his treatment. when he came home he was different and uptight and maybe scared. i didn't help things by trying to control him and fight with him because of my own insecurities and fear. i thought he met another woman in rehab-- he was talking in his sleep and called one of them when he got home without mentioning it to me.

he did this kind of stuff (talking in sleep and calling exes, etc) when he was mad at me. so i decided to let him go...and work on his program and i work on mine (i need a lot of help to change the way i react and think about certain situations). i need to think about what is good for me. i am feeling stronger and hoping for the best for both of us. I needed this break- it's only been a week-and hope it works out how it's supposed to. I think he has already moved on and has forgotten about me-- he may have moved on months ago. I hurt him bad with things I said to him and not trusting him. But he also hurt me (and sometimes i feel he doesn't think he did anything wrong). We both need to forgive.

I'm hoping I can change (for the better) by going to al-anon, coda and a therapist. And I'm praying he changes his ways for the better and learns how to communicate when something is bothering him-- instead of bottling up and being resentful.

I do love him and always will. I wish him the best in life-- he deserves it and so do i. The disease of alcoholism makes anyone in its path -- crazy and their lives unmanagable. I'm leaving this time in my life to my higher power and i do realize things happen for a reason. I regret a lot of stuff i did in this relationship and am willing to change and take ownership of my part --regardless if we are meant to be together or not (although i pray one day we will be). i hope he feels the same way.