New and need advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Boston
Posts: 9
New and need advice
Hi....Im new and am looking for some advice. My boyfriend is a drug addict, his drug of choice is Percocet. Although I was always suspicious of him I never had definite proof that he was using until alittle over a month ago when he had somewhat of a mental breakdown. He woke his mother up at 4am and told her he needed to go to the emergency room immediately or else he was going to kill himself. I am by no means making excuses for his behavior, but he has had a tough life and I know that he has had suicidal thoughts in the past. He lost his father to cancer when he was 4 then lost his step father to cancer when he was in his early 20s. He also has a 5 year old son who he has full custody of and has pretty much raised on his own with some help from his mother. We have only been together for a year and a half but I am very invested in our relationship. I not only love him but I love his son also and cannot imagine my life without either one of them. I have read some other posts from girls in a similar position to mine, and the common response seems to be "leave him" or "get out now while you still have the chance." Hearing that is not new to me, I have heard it from family members, friends and even a therapist. I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT. The bottom line is that I want to reach that point on my own and I am not there yet, leaving him is not an option right now. I believe in myself and know I will have the strength to leave when things go too far, but I am just not at that point yet. I want to hear from someone, if there is anyone out there, who has been in my position and made it through. My boyfriend is taking his recovery very seriously...he is attending an outpatient program every morning and goes to NA meetings almost every night. He has cut all ties with pretty much everyone except his family and myself. I know he wants this more than anything, he wants it for him, but he also wants it for his son. His son is the light of his life and losing him is not an option. Is there anyone out there who stuck by their significant other through an addiction and made it through???? I know our relationship has to be put on the back burner for a while, he needs to get well before we as a couple can get well, but as of right now my plan is to stay by his side and get my own help also. I am meeting with a new therapist this week (an addiction specialist), and am planning on attending a Families Anonymous meeting next week. I am really just wondering if there is any hope out there of making it through this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
There is always hope. Only you can decide when and if.
In the meantime, keep the focus on you, not him and his problems. This is his battle to fight. And double up on BC. A baby is not the answer to his problems.
In the meantime, keep the focus on you, not him and his problems. This is his battle to fight. And double up on BC. A baby is not the answer to his problems.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
but as of right now my plan is to stay by his side and get my own help also. I am meeting with a new therapist this week (an addiction specialist), and am planning on attending a Families Anonymous meeting next week. I am really just wondering if there is any hope out there of making it through this.
I found the insanity I lived in was when I was totally immersed in trying to control my daughter's addiction. Things started getting better once I realized I needed to start working on me.
As OTL said, there is always hope. I wish all 3 of you the best!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Boston
Posts: 9
Thank you both for your replies. I hope there are more to come. I keep reminding myself that as much as he has a program to work, I have a program to work also. It is good to know that you have seen and heard success stories. For the most part, it seems like there are none out there! Im hoping to meet more people through meetings that are in a similar position as I am. But I feel that this site could be good...complete anonimity! My best friend's fiance is a recovering addict and she has two children with him...I talk to her about everything but its hard to get her to talk. She keeps everything to herself and I know its probably not healthy but thats just how she deals with things. And also, Im my opinion, her fiance is not a great example of a "recovered" addict. He still drinks and smokes marijuana but I think he sees himself as "cured" because he doesnt shoot heroin anymore. I know that as long as we continue doing the work we need to do individually, the matters of our relationship will be dealt with in time, but its just getting from point A to point B. I know it can be a long road with many ups and downs but I just want to make sure I am doing everything I possibly can to not only help myself through this but also to not make things harder on him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Lost)))
I'm a recovering addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent). I have loved ones who are addicts.
It sounds like you have thought this through and have a good plan. I just wanted to give you a few things to think about.
You mentioned that you want to help yourself, but "not make things harder on him". I really wouldn't be thinking in this way. As a recovering addict, a huge part of my recovery (the biggest part) has been learning to deal with life and not pick up. That means getting stressed out, frustrated, angry, etc. - just like everyone else does. I don't get special treatment because I'm in recovery.
What I need, as an RA (recovering addict) is my own program, my own support - for the majority of people, it's other RA's. You, my family, etc. just can't help me with this. This isn't because you're not "good enough" - you just don't understand what it feels like to be an addict.
On the other hand, you also need the support of people who love addicts. It wasn't until I dealt with my loved one's addiction and got to see THIS side of addiction, that I fully realized how hard it is to BE on this side.
SR is a huge source of support. I've been in recovery for over 2 years, and haven't had a situation come up yet, that someone here hasn't been able to help me through. You may not always like what you hear, but there are many people here with lots of ES&H (experience, strength & hope).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm a recovering addict, as well as a recovering codie (codependent). I have loved ones who are addicts.
It sounds like you have thought this through and have a good plan. I just wanted to give you a few things to think about.
You mentioned that you want to help yourself, but "not make things harder on him". I really wouldn't be thinking in this way. As a recovering addict, a huge part of my recovery (the biggest part) has been learning to deal with life and not pick up. That means getting stressed out, frustrated, angry, etc. - just like everyone else does. I don't get special treatment because I'm in recovery.
What I need, as an RA (recovering addict) is my own program, my own support - for the majority of people, it's other RA's. You, my family, etc. just can't help me with this. This isn't because you're not "good enough" - you just don't understand what it feels like to be an addict.
On the other hand, you also need the support of people who love addicts. It wasn't until I dealt with my loved one's addiction and got to see THIS side of addiction, that I fully realized how hard it is to BE on this side.
SR is a huge source of support. I've been in recovery for over 2 years, and haven't had a situation come up yet, that someone here hasn't been able to help me through. You may not always like what you hear, but there are many people here with lots of ES&H (experience, strength & hope).
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Newbury Park, Ca
Posts: 155
Welcome Lost - this is a great site for you. There are LOTS of addicts in recovery and you can follow their stories on the "Substance Abuse" forum. I read their posts a lot to give me hope and insight to what the addict in my life is going thru. (I dont feel ok posting there b/c I am not an addict.) everybody's situation is different, and everyone eventually decides for themselves, and can still change their mind later!! Stick around here and let us know how things go.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 98
Hey Lost,
How's it going? My boyfriend is the addict in my life as well. I know exactly how you feel. When I met my guy is was in recovery and had a year clean. Well, he began using a few months ago...heroin. (I'm going to put up a post here shortly on how things are going with that). I began posting on here and that's all I get too... Leave, Leave, Leave. Like that's the only option you have. Well, it is a two way process. If they aren't helping themselves or at least trying and they're using, then nothing is going to change. U also have to keep up with taking care of yourself cause if not, you'll go mentally insane. This site has been GREAT!!!! It helps know you can come to people who can relate. But I know what you're going through with not wanting to leave and it seeming like there's little hope to any kind of relationship. I mean hell...let's just ship all the addicts to their own island. I love my guy to more than life and I want to be sure to try every avenue before it would have to come down to us being apart, just like yourself.
Sorry I don't really have any advice or suggestions, but always here to listen. If ya ever need someone to talk to, feel free to hit me up! Glad to meet ya!
How's it going? My boyfriend is the addict in my life as well. I know exactly how you feel. When I met my guy is was in recovery and had a year clean. Well, he began using a few months ago...heroin. (I'm going to put up a post here shortly on how things are going with that). I began posting on here and that's all I get too... Leave, Leave, Leave. Like that's the only option you have. Well, it is a two way process. If they aren't helping themselves or at least trying and they're using, then nothing is going to change. U also have to keep up with taking care of yourself cause if not, you'll go mentally insane. This site has been GREAT!!!! It helps know you can come to people who can relate. But I know what you're going through with not wanting to leave and it seeming like there's little hope to any kind of relationship. I mean hell...let's just ship all the addicts to their own island. I love my guy to more than life and I want to be sure to try every avenue before it would have to come down to us being apart, just like yourself.
Sorry I don't really have any advice or suggestions, but always here to listen. If ya ever need someone to talk to, feel free to hit me up! Glad to meet ya!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
i dont think that anyone here is really telling people to leave unless its a very short relationship or there is dangerous situations involved - abuse - children being hurt, etc.
but for some reason if one person posts that it seems to be the only comment that sticks in everyone's head - probably because the logically our brains are telling us that is the wise thing even though the heart says something different. A lot of us here are very protective over the children and i for one cannot bear to hear about abuse.
When i went to my first Alanon meeting an older woman told me that they were not going to tell me to stay with my bf or leave him - that was my choice alone to make. But if i decided to stay with him then i had to learn to accept him for who he was at that moment and not try to change him becuase that wasnt possible for me to do. I'm not saying that an addict cannot recover - i'm saying there is nothing you can do to make him recover. So we work on ourselves - we learn what we can and cannot tolerate in our lives and we learn how to control ourselves so that we are not living in their circle of addiction. Some people can handle living with an addict their entire lives and some cant - only you can decide that. Those who do decide to stay with an addict find much support and education in alanon and on this site.
Making things easy for an addict can be enabling them, supporting them can also cross that fine line between normal love and enabling- I would say the best thing you can do is start educating yourself, reading, posting and learning - focus on you and not him, this way you can make an educated choice on what to do in your life. i have also found that there was a side-effect as i educated myself and got stronger and some of this has helped my AS - not through lecturing or controlling but just by how i act in situations and the things that I say about my own life and values.
but for some reason if one person posts that it seems to be the only comment that sticks in everyone's head - probably because the logically our brains are telling us that is the wise thing even though the heart says something different. A lot of us here are very protective over the children and i for one cannot bear to hear about abuse.
When i went to my first Alanon meeting an older woman told me that they were not going to tell me to stay with my bf or leave him - that was my choice alone to make. But if i decided to stay with him then i had to learn to accept him for who he was at that moment and not try to change him becuase that wasnt possible for me to do. I'm not saying that an addict cannot recover - i'm saying there is nothing you can do to make him recover. So we work on ourselves - we learn what we can and cannot tolerate in our lives and we learn how to control ourselves so that we are not living in their circle of addiction. Some people can handle living with an addict their entire lives and some cant - only you can decide that. Those who do decide to stay with an addict find much support and education in alanon and on this site.
Making things easy for an addict can be enabling them, supporting them can also cross that fine line between normal love and enabling- I would say the best thing you can do is start educating yourself, reading, posting and learning - focus on you and not him, this way you can make an educated choice on what to do in your life. i have also found that there was a side-effect as i educated myself and got stronger and some of this has helped my AS - not through lecturing or controlling but just by how i act in situations and the things that I say about my own life and values.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Boston
Posts: 9
Wow this site really is great. Just kind of stumbled upon it and started reading, never really expected to get the reaction I have. First of all, thank you everyone. I do intend to read some of your posts and help in any way that I can, you see this really isnt the first time Ive gone through this. My cousin(who is like a sister to me) is an addict, my mother and two of my aunts are alcoholics, and I have countless friends who are addicts(in recovery or still using). But being the girlfriend of one is soooooo different. I thought I knew so much, I thought I was so educated in the area, I have even looked into becomming a counselor for family members of drug addicts. But in the past month everything I thought I knew has been flipped upside down. I feel like I know nothing now! It sucks....
I am meeting with my counselor today and have never been more looking forward to something in my life! She was recommended to me by one of my friends who is a recovering addict (3 years clean). He and my boyfriend have also become buddies and go to NA meetings together. He has been so helpful and I think he will continue to be in the future. He is the only addict in my life who gives me hope. He is currently in a relationship but with a girl who was not around for the bad stuff. So its not like I could talk to her about what she has gone through. Im pretty sure she refuses to even tell her family about his past. Well I guess we will just have to wait and see, one day at a time right? Hopefully my appointment today will go well and Ill have boat loads of advice to post on here later!!
I am meeting with my counselor today and have never been more looking forward to something in my life! She was recommended to me by one of my friends who is a recovering addict (3 years clean). He and my boyfriend have also become buddies and go to NA meetings together. He has been so helpful and I think he will continue to be in the future. He is the only addict in my life who gives me hope. He is currently in a relationship but with a girl who was not around for the bad stuff. So its not like I could talk to her about what she has gone through. Im pretty sure she refuses to even tell her family about his past. Well I guess we will just have to wait and see, one day at a time right? Hopefully my appointment today will go well and Ill have boat loads of advice to post on here later!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
Sounds like your recovering friend is good for the both of you. IMO tho, let your boyfriend 'have him' for now. He will be a strong role model for your BF and it will help if he feels that he can be completely open with him.
Good luck with your counselor today.
Good luck with your counselor today.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. yes, there is hope. i hope my son gets clean. i hope my grandson gets clean. it is up to them. you sound good. you know that they have to do it themself.
stay untill u have had enough. you WILL know when. he has choices & so do you. prayers for you both.
stay untill u have had enough. you WILL know when. he has choices & so do you. prayers for you both.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by LOST5280 
He still drinks and smokes marijuana but I think he sees himself as "cured" because he doesnt shoot heroin anymore. ... I know it can be a long road with many ups and downs but I just want to make sure I am doing everything I possibly can to not only help myself through this but also to not make things harder on him.
Edit: She experienced a major relapse on heroin a year and a half ago. We later learned it started two weeks prior to that with drinking. She's doing that again now.
What Impurrfect said about not making things harder on him. It sounds like "rescuing". You cannot and should not rescue him from the consequences of his actions. Addicts don't recover unless they experience the consequences.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
