is he an alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: italy
Posts: 32
is he an alcoholic
Hello friends,
first of all i want to apologize for my english as it is my second language.
i am married for 4 years. i met my husband in my trip to italy and fall in love with him. after 6 months of long distance relationship we got married. i left my job and family and friends and come to live in a very small town where he lives. he is an emergency doctor. i noticed that after a week of our marriage he smelled alcohol most of the time. when he is drunk i should be very careful for what i say to him as he becomes suspicious and pessimist.we had argues for 2 years almost every day and i did my best to convince him to get help but i failed. he says he drinks when he comes home in order to sleep as he suffers from insomnia. first months when i found bottles of wisky here and there i used to show them to him and i finish with crying and he even once get violent and picked me. but it happend only once. i realized that i can not force him to stop drinking. so i find bottles but i don't say a word to him. he drinks almost a bottle of wisky a day when he is home in front of me and God knows if he drinks more hidenly.
when we go to visit my mother in law, he is sober for two weeks.
is he alcoholic?
thanks
first of all i want to apologize for my english as it is my second language.
i am married for 4 years. i met my husband in my trip to italy and fall in love with him. after 6 months of long distance relationship we got married. i left my job and family and friends and come to live in a very small town where he lives. he is an emergency doctor. i noticed that after a week of our marriage he smelled alcohol most of the time. when he is drunk i should be very careful for what i say to him as he becomes suspicious and pessimist.we had argues for 2 years almost every day and i did my best to convince him to get help but i failed. he says he drinks when he comes home in order to sleep as he suffers from insomnia. first months when i found bottles of wisky here and there i used to show them to him and i finish with crying and he even once get violent and picked me. but it happend only once. i realized that i can not force him to stop drinking. so i find bottles but i don't say a word to him. he drinks almost a bottle of wisky a day when he is home in front of me and God knows if he drinks more hidenly.
when we go to visit my mother in law, he is sober for two weeks.
is he alcoholic?
thanks
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: italy
Posts: 32
thanks anvilhead. well it is not that much simple to leave him. i forgave him when he picked me 3 years ago. now he drinks and sleeps. yes he cheated me by not telling me about his problem. my question is that can an alcoholic stop drinking for two weeks? thanks
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: italy
Posts: 32
you are right anvilhead.this was not what i had in my mind when i got married to him.
i know he has serious problems with alcohol.
i know i can not change him and i know after 4 years of living with him that he doesn't want to quit. can you belive that first months he used to blame me for his drinkings!
but i know he used to drink before he met me and i know he cheated me by not telling me about his problem and i know i am responsible for marring someone who i barely knew.
i will be travelling to my parents for 4 weeks end of summer.though my parents are not giving me the support i need right now.
thanks
i know he has serious problems with alcohol.
i know i can not change him and i know after 4 years of living with him that he doesn't want to quit. can you belive that first months he used to blame me for his drinkings!
but i know he used to drink before he met me and i know he cheated me by not telling me about his problem and i know i am responsible for marring someone who i barely knew.
i will be travelling to my parents for 4 weeks end of summer.though my parents are not giving me the support i need right now.
thanks
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
hi sara! welcome to SR. keep reading and posting, it really helps.. and everybody here understands you, you are among friends.
i too worry about you being hit before... the cycle of abuse (the drug of choice is not important, it can be alcohol, drugs..) is:
/chronic: these patterns will go on, unless one partner stops the cycle by leaving. that is the best case scenario. worse case scenarios: sadder endings, involving illnesses, violence... ultimately death.
/progressive: it gets worse
it is not as obvious, an alcoholic can stop drinking for a while, then binge, drink a beer daily, drink a bottle of whiskey daily, not drink after a health scare then double intake.. there are no "patterns", it does not go from A to B... its a spiral.
remember the 3C's
-you did not cause his drinking
-you cannot control how much, or if he drinks
-you cannot cure him
i am sad you went with him with an idea of who he was... and you face this now. i too thought i "knew" a person, then felt totally betrayed when i found out he had issues. but its something worth reminding: its HIS issue.. not yours.
fortunately you are in control of your own life, of your feelings, and there is a lot of support available... take a look to the "Sticky" section (on top of the threads), great reading!
for many of us it has been very frustrating to talk with parents or friends that have not been touched by alcoholism, but there are people that DO understand (like us!)
let us know how you do, we care a lot.
i too worry about you being hit before... the cycle of abuse (the drug of choice is not important, it can be alcohol, drugs..) is:
/chronic: these patterns will go on, unless one partner stops the cycle by leaving. that is the best case scenario. worse case scenarios: sadder endings, involving illnesses, violence... ultimately death.
/progressive: it gets worse
it is not as obvious, an alcoholic can stop drinking for a while, then binge, drink a beer daily, drink a bottle of whiskey daily, not drink after a health scare then double intake.. there are no "patterns", it does not go from A to B... its a spiral.
remember the 3C's
-you did not cause his drinking
-you cannot control how much, or if he drinks
-you cannot cure him
i am sad you went with him with an idea of who he was... and you face this now. i too thought i "knew" a person, then felt totally betrayed when i found out he had issues. but its something worth reminding: its HIS issue.. not yours.
fortunately you are in control of your own life, of your feelings, and there is a lot of support available... take a look to the "Sticky" section (on top of the threads), great reading!
for many of us it has been very frustrating to talk with parents or friends that have not been touched by alcoholism, but there are people that DO understand (like us!)
let us know how you do, we care a lot.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: NH
Posts: 31
Hi- I am so sorry for all you're going through. It sounds hard and terrible. It sounds to me like he is absolutely an alcoholic and it's awful that your quality of life has suffered so much because of his choices. It also seems to me that if he can stop drinking for 2 weeks then he is certainly not beyond hope of recovery. I think you should consider though whether you are safe and whether you are going to be okay if you stay with him. Hang in there and talk to us anytime.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: italy
Posts: 32
thank you very much takingcharge999 and rmm. you made me cry. it's great to see that there are friends who can understand my situatuon. well as you know he is a doctor and everybody thinks a doctor can't be alcoholic.thanks
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Hi Sara welcome. When i found sober recovery i thought i would find all the answers to my xab alcoholism and hoped i would find ways to save him. In time i realised that only he can decide whether he wanted to stop drinking or not. someone here suggested that i educated myself on alcoholism and codependancy and read Melony Beatty "codependant no more". It changed my life.
Please if you can get a copy read this book, and discover why some if not most of us here are codependant, take the emphasis off your husband and look deep inside yourself . You deserve better, you have done nothing wrong.
I remember getting "Under the influence" Toby Rice (i think he's called) for my alcoholic, of course he never read it but i did. knowledge is a power ful tool my friend.
keep posting and reading you are among friends.
love
Gill
Please if you can get a copy read this book, and discover why some if not most of us here are codependant, take the emphasis off your husband and look deep inside yourself . You deserve better, you have done nothing wrong.
I remember getting "Under the influence" Toby Rice (i think he's called) for my alcoholic, of course he never read it but i did. knowledge is a power ful tool my friend.
keep posting and reading you are among friends.
love
Gill
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: italy
Posts: 32
it's really helping to understand him. you know i'm living with him for almost 4 years. i know i can't make him quit. he should decide it and so far he is not willing to make it. i really want to know in which stage he is. thanks
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by sara1971 
i really want to know in which stage he is. thanks
Are you willing to live with someone who is unwilling to quit? What do you want for your life?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 43
So sorry to hear of your situation. Sadly it definitely sounds like your husband is an alcoholic ... and that means he will not think or behave rationally because alcohol has become the most important thing in his life. Alcoholics are usually in deep denial they have a problem, blame others for their problems, have unexplained mood swings and are many times angry and frustrated for reasons we can't understand.
Unfortunately, nearly always the choice to stop drinking will only happen when the alcoholic decides to quit..we cannot make them stop because the addiction is more powerful than we are. We can only try to protect ourselves from the insanity.
Many alcoholics can stop drinking for periods of time ... binge drinkers can go months without drinking, but when they start, they can't stop and will drink for days on end. My father was a binge drinker. My husband drank every day but could stop for a few days once in a while when he needed to convince everyone he wasn't drinking. When he went to visit his mom, he appeared to be sober, but he later admitted he would secretly drink alcohol he had hidden in his car. As his addiction progressed, he couldn't even go a few hours without drinking.
Please know you are not alone, most of us have experienced much of the same heartache you have and understand the pain you are going through.
You have come to the right place. Keep reading to help you better understand this baffling addiction and learn how to make healthier choices for a more peaceful and saner life.
Unfortunately, nearly always the choice to stop drinking will only happen when the alcoholic decides to quit..we cannot make them stop because the addiction is more powerful than we are. We can only try to protect ourselves from the insanity.
Many alcoholics can stop drinking for periods of time ... binge drinkers can go months without drinking, but when they start, they can't stop and will drink for days on end. My father was a binge drinker. My husband drank every day but could stop for a few days once in a while when he needed to convince everyone he wasn't drinking. When he went to visit his mom, he appeared to be sober, but he later admitted he would secretly drink alcohol he had hidden in his car. As his addiction progressed, he couldn't even go a few hours without drinking.
Please know you are not alone, most of us have experienced much of the same heartache you have and understand the pain you are going through.
You have come to the right place. Keep reading to help you better understand this baffling addiction and learn how to make healthier choices for a more peaceful and saner life.
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