My first post.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Boca *****, FL
Posts: 13
My first post.
Hello Everyone!
I found the forum this morning and wanted to get some inspiration, read a little bit about your stories and maybe find some support here and there. I was sober since April 26 of this year but on Saturday night I drank, then again all day long on Sunday and even yesterday. Had some friends over Saturday night who don’t know that I am an alcoholic and they brought me a deadly present, one huge bottle of vodka. I also purchased a small bottle of Tequila and a bottle of Whiskey for them to drink. One of them had some Tequila but the Whiskey went untouched until I had it. I’m usually on Antabuse and will be back on it later this week but I ran out of pills on Thursday and I was convinced that maybe I could make it through a few days, guess I was wrong. I live alone, just with a cute little dog. I feel so ashamed and really guilty. Yesterday I passed out during the day and the poor dog went to the bathroom in the house because I didn’t take her outside, poor dog. I didn’t pick up the phone on Sunday but my parents called me yesterday and noticed my drunken voice. I just hate relapsing. I even managed to stay sober for six months once before but a day comes where something in mind just collapses and I drink. I feel like a failure. I guess it’s back to step one, take it a day at a time and hope for progress.
Thank you for listening.
Dan
I found the forum this morning and wanted to get some inspiration, read a little bit about your stories and maybe find some support here and there. I was sober since April 26 of this year but on Saturday night I drank, then again all day long on Sunday and even yesterday. Had some friends over Saturday night who don’t know that I am an alcoholic and they brought me a deadly present, one huge bottle of vodka. I also purchased a small bottle of Tequila and a bottle of Whiskey for them to drink. One of them had some Tequila but the Whiskey went untouched until I had it. I’m usually on Antabuse and will be back on it later this week but I ran out of pills on Thursday and I was convinced that maybe I could make it through a few days, guess I was wrong. I live alone, just with a cute little dog. I feel so ashamed and really guilty. Yesterday I passed out during the day and the poor dog went to the bathroom in the house because I didn’t take her outside, poor dog. I didn’t pick up the phone on Sunday but my parents called me yesterday and noticed my drunken voice. I just hate relapsing. I even managed to stay sober for six months once before but a day comes where something in mind just collapses and I drink. I feel like a failure. I guess it’s back to step one, take it a day at a time and hope for progress.
Thank you for listening.
Dan
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by DP33496 
I guess it’s back to step one, take it a day at a time and hope for progress.
You're already ready. You said, "but a day comes where something in mind just collapses and I drink." That describes the insanity of the first drink.
It's up to you. The choice is yours. Best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 271
Hi DP. Sorry to hear about your relapse. Good think you didn't have a reaction though - cuttin' it pretty close there with Antabuse. Since you are on that, would I be correct in guessing you've been exposed to some sort of treatment program? Not many people put themselves on Antabuse (I did, but I'm weird 
).
You are not a failure. You are struggling with recovery. Many here understand how that feels.
to SR. Lots of good people here doing lots of good things. I hope you stick around.
).You are not a failure. You are struggling with recovery. Many here understand how that feels.
to SR. Lots of good people here doing lots of good things. I hope you stick around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Boca *****, FL
Posts: 13
Thank you for the kind words! I have been drinking since about the age of 20 (I’m 34 now). I have had a lot of ups and downs in my life but right now I’m doing well apart from my alcoholism. I have a home, my business is doing very well and I feel that this alcoholism is maybe a price I have to pay for the other positive things in my life. I spent this morning reading a lot of stories on this forum so I know there is a chance. It’s just the guilt that’s killing me. How many more relapses will I go through? Why is this happening to me? When will it stop? I’m typing here with tears in my eyes. I’m sick and tired of alcoholism. I read a lot about this disease and I get inspiration from shows like A&E Intervention and then a day comes where I do something stupid and drink.
The Antabuse helps me but I ran out of pills and the demon found an opportunity to act. When I lived in Europe they had the equivalent of Antabuse in a shot which lasted for six months and then you would have to get another shot for another six months. I guess that fear in the back of my mind keeps me away from drinking. After the first drink Saturday I did get a little red in the face but I guess the effect of the last pill taken Thursday morning was too weak to keep me out of the bottle. Now I have to face the fact that I could have done more to make sure I wouldn’t run out of pills. I know, it’s my fault, why was I so stupid.
The Antabuse helps me but I ran out of pills and the demon found an opportunity to act. When I lived in Europe they had the equivalent of Antabuse in a shot which lasted for six months and then you would have to get another shot for another six months. I guess that fear in the back of my mind keeps me away from drinking. After the first drink Saturday I did get a little red in the face but I guess the effect of the last pill taken Thursday morning was too weak to keep me out of the bottle. Now I have to face the fact that I could have done more to make sure I wouldn’t run out of pills. I know, it’s my fault, why was I so stupid.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: East Coast
Posts: 437
Hi Dan,
Welcome and this could be the last time you go through this. It sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for. I think as a young person ( I'm 49) AA would be good for you. You will find alot of people like yourself. This site is great but what happens when you want to go out. You need some friends who don't drink. If you already have some maybe you could start hanging with them. I did not start drinking until my 40's so I did have a life before booze. This has been my first time trying to quit and I am almost to the year. Others here have convinced me that it is the alcoholic voice that keeps wanting you to drink again. I am taking there word for it. I haven't heard of anyone who drank like an alcoholic and then was able to have a drink once in a while. Frankly one drink would either make me tired or want more so why bother. Good luck and keep posting, there is a wealth of knowledge on this site.
Welcome and this could be the last time you go through this. It sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for. I think as a young person ( I'm 49) AA would be good for you. You will find alot of people like yourself. This site is great but what happens when you want to go out. You need some friends who don't drink. If you already have some maybe you could start hanging with them. I did not start drinking until my 40's so I did have a life before booze. This has been my first time trying to quit and I am almost to the year. Others here have convinced me that it is the alcoholic voice that keeps wanting you to drink again. I am taking there word for it. I haven't heard of anyone who drank like an alcoholic and then was able to have a drink once in a while. Frankly one drink would either make me tired or want more so why bother. Good luck and keep posting, there is a wealth of knowledge on this site.
TC MI
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Traverse city MI
Posts: 73
Hi Dan, do you have some friends that are recovering alcoholics ? I have tried to do it on my own and every time i relapse. This time i realize i am powerless over alcohol and need to befriend like minded people.. Don't beat yourself up you will get back on track. Jay
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Here, Now
Posts: 4,268
Greetings. Glad you're getting back on track. Antabuse may help because its Hell to drink on, though its been done by some truely dedicated drunks. It is an external locus of control thing, however, versus internal. I myself am on Campral for cravings. Really stopping depends on what you really want and what you're willing to give and do for it. There is plenty of strength inside you if you tap it and a myriad of support in your environment including AA, tratment, therapy, sober family and friends, your dog, and on and on. Forget about the weekend concentrate on this sober second and this sober second and this sober second and ...I possess a burning desire and a burning vision and belief in my own sobriety. At last count, though I've already fallen behind I've been sober 7,344,000 seconds, one second at a time, one breath ar a time. Don't regret the past, don't project the future, just be now, sober and its all good. Namaste
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Boca *****, FL
Posts: 13
I’m angry at myself because I knew that I’m running out of pills and I didn’t do anything about it. I had more then enough time to get new pills and I thought a few extra days wouldn’t change anything, boy was I wrong.
I’m a very “private” person and not one to talk about my problems at an AA meeting. Furthermore it’s embarrassing for me. The most success I have had so far is Antabuse and a healthier lifestyle. My parents, sisters and my ex-wife know about my Alcoholism but it’s not something I have shared with my friends. I usually say that I’m currently on medication and can’t drink when faced with a situation where other’s drink. The people who came over on Saturday gave me the Vodka as a present with good faith because they don’t know about my problem. I guess they just assumed that when I stop taking my medication I will be allowed to have a drink. I did move here recently so on another note I don’t have many acquaintances yet.
I’m a very “private” person and not one to talk about my problems at an AA meeting. Furthermore it’s embarrassing for me. The most success I have had so far is Antabuse and a healthier lifestyle. My parents, sisters and my ex-wife know about my Alcoholism but it’s not something I have shared with my friends. I usually say that I’m currently on medication and can’t drink when faced with a situation where other’s drink. The people who came over on Saturday gave me the Vodka as a present with good faith because they don’t know about my problem. I guess they just assumed that when I stop taking my medication I will be allowed to have a drink. I did move here recently so on another note I don’t have many acquaintances yet.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 7
Welcome Dan! I am new here too and I think you will find this place extremely helpful and comforting. The part of your post when you said you were typing with tears in your eyes hit me pretty hard, cause I've def. been there. It's exhausting, isn't it...dealing with all this ****? : ) Well listen, keep at it. We're all here for you and good luck.
Jill
Jill
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 246
Originally Posted by DP33496
I feel that this alcoholism is maybe a price I have to pay for the other positive things in my life.
Such statements are just another justification in a long line of excuses we all have employed -- family, friends, where we grew up, our college or high school, our heritage... You're not going to lose those "positive things" in your life if you get your drinking under control. In fact, they'll probably get better.
I'm being blunt here because I've used similar excuses to drink. "I need to knock down four beers at 9 p.m., because I'm stressed out from a day at work, then an evening of wrestling with the kids. This is my outlet." So what if I shirked my duties as a parent all evening because I've been impatient and anticipating those drinks? There are other better and healthier outlets to find and use to offset stress. Just not drinking and doing absolutely nothing at all is a better outlet.
Listen to the people on these boards recommending AA and other programs. They know way more than me and are trying to help you.
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