I had a lightbulb moment I think
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 245
I had a lightbulb moment I think
AH took my car while I was asleep with the kids in it (no license and no insurance). He took it to buy groceries (and beer). Then told me he'd watch the kids and take them out to play. I found him under a tree drinking a beer (hiding). There is more, but basically once again, it is all about beer.
After seeing him hiding under a tree and pretending I didn't see him and denying it, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized how much of my time has been wasted on his issues. How no matter what I do he won't stop.
So, I am going to the following for me:
1. Lock up my keys at night (so he can't drive and put my house at risk with a lawsuit).
2. Join a gym.
3. Start going back to church.
4. When he drinks, leave. No fights. Just take the kids and do an errand/outing.
5. Research freezing my eggs since not having any more children is a "big" factor in staying. Which is dumb b/c the way he is now, I can't have more with him.
I have given myself until September to re-evaluate our marriage.
This all happened Saturday. Yesterday I was really sad. I am accepting the situation and I am accepting I am not in a marriage. I do not have a partner that loves me. He loves beer and will move mountains to get it.
After seeing him hiding under a tree and pretending I didn't see him and denying it, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized how much of my time has been wasted on his issues. How no matter what I do he won't stop.
So, I am going to the following for me:
1. Lock up my keys at night (so he can't drive and put my house at risk with a lawsuit).
2. Join a gym.
3. Start going back to church.
4. When he drinks, leave. No fights. Just take the kids and do an errand/outing.
5. Research freezing my eggs since not having any more children is a "big" factor in staying. Which is dumb b/c the way he is now, I can't have more with him.
I have given myself until September to re-evaluate our marriage.
This all happened Saturday. Yesterday I was really sad. I am accepting the situation and I am accepting I am not in a marriage. I do not have a partner that loves me. He loves beer and will move mountains to get it.
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
that was a pretty giant lightbulb moment you had there! WAY TO GO!!
You're doing a good job in letting yourself LOOK at things and in making decisions when the future asks for them --- I think you did so good!!!
now - be gentle with yourself!
You have a Higher Power that loves you no matter what and friends here who CARE beyond words .....
be nice to you, you're doing some hard hard work and I for one, am proud of you!
Blue
You're doing a good job in letting yourself LOOK at things and in making decisions when the future asks for them --- I think you did so good!!!
now - be gentle with yourself!
You have a Higher Power that loves you no matter what and friends here who CARE beyond words .....
be nice to you, you're doing some hard hard work and I for one, am proud of you!
Blue
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
When the fog begins to lift and you really "see" what is going on around you, it can be a life changing moment.
I applaud you for the care and thought you are putting into your plan for a future. Keep yourself and your children safe, focus on what will keep you that way, and keep reaching out for support.
Best wishes!
Alice
I applaud you for the care and thought you are putting into your plan for a future. Keep yourself and your children safe, focus on what will keep you that way, and keep reaching out for support.
Best wishes!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: NH
Posts: 31
Wow- I am impressed with your clarity and strength. I hope that he will wise up and decide to get help but in the meantime it sounds like you're taking important steps to help yourself which is fantastic. I need to follow your lead!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 245
Thank you everyone. It was a weird moment. I saw him there sitting under a tree sneaking beer and he is in 40s. And it hit me.
I have a safe now for my keys which I lock up when I am not using my car. So far he hasn't figured it out.
My birthday is in September so that's why I did my deadline in September.
I went to church Sunday with the kids and the entire sermon was on divorce!
I am also reading that book "too good to leave too bad to stay."
I want to take care of myself. I have lost myself through this last 1 1/2 years. Seeing him sitting there made me realize it is foolish to think this is getting better.
I have a safe now for my keys which I lock up when I am not using my car. So far he hasn't figured it out.
My birthday is in September so that's why I did my deadline in September.
I went to church Sunday with the kids and the entire sermon was on divorce!
I am also reading that book "too good to leave too bad to stay."
I want to take care of myself. I have lost myself through this last 1 1/2 years. Seeing him sitting there made me realize it is foolish to think this is getting better.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thanks for sharing your experience. Good on you!
You've achieved the 3 A's of recovery:
Awareness
Acknowledgement
Action
You became aware of AH's addiction to alcohol.
You acknowledged that he will always choose alcohol first.
You are taking action based on those facts.
Awesome!
For me the sadness came after the acknowledgement and during the action. It was the final grieving for the relationship that can never be with alcohol as master.
Take care of you!
You've achieved the 3 A's of recovery:
Awareness
Acknowledgement
Action
You became aware of AH's addiction to alcohol.
You acknowledged that he will always choose alcohol first.
You are taking action based on those facts.
Awesome!
For me the sadness came after the acknowledgement and during the action. It was the final grieving for the relationship that can never be with alcohol as master.
Take care of you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Thank you for sharing your moment with us, whyamistaying.
I'm sure that it can't be a pleasant feeling inside, but sometimes the decisions that are best for us come in ugly wrapping paper.
You're wonderful!
I'm sure that it can't be a pleasant feeling inside, but sometimes the decisions that are best for us come in ugly wrapping paper.
You're wonderful!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 43
You have done a very good job in just a few years of assessing the hard realities of living with an active alcoholic ... and learning how helpless we are to change the path of someone else's addiction.
Alcoholism and its impact on those around them is horrifically tragic ... but we eventually learn we must step aside and take care of ourselves and our children before this addiction devours us as well.
Alcoholism and its impact on those around them is horrifically tragic ... but we eventually learn we must step aside and take care of ourselves and our children before this addiction devours us as well.
Last edited by EnoughisEnough7; 06-30-2009 at 07:38 PM.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: South GA
Posts: 67
Oh, those light bulb moments are so fun! That seems it was more than just a light bulb turning on over your head though. That one seems like your HP tied some firecrackers to it before turning it on 
.
#4 is an excellent example of an internal guideline for you. If you decide later, that can change to where HE leaves if he is drinking. Up to you. But congratulations on that moment of clarity!
.#4 is an excellent example of an internal guideline for you. If you decide later, that can change to where HE leaves if he is drinking. Up to you. But congratulations on that moment of clarity!
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