Creepy cycle
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 24
Creepy cycle
I just read a post where creepy cycle was mentioned. I wondered what thoughts were on this. Can't remember who started the thread but it was a great thread for me to read at this particular time as i've just experienced something very similar. (again ) I wanted to contribute but not hi jack it with my own questions so thought id post up new.
I wouldn't concider myself a totaly unintelligent person, why then am i so easily manipulated and taken in when ABF swears he's realised the errors of his ways ect ect.. Worse still, why am I am always on alert for it but I never see it comming,or remember that it will come as soon as i let my guard down. Sometimes i just haven't got the energy to keep the guard up...That really makes me feels so angry with myself.
A Creepy cycle indeed.. is the cycle thing a known alcoholic feature? for me it seems to happen every two to three weeks. Lovely, best behaved charming, thoughtful, rational, reasonable, Mister Jekyl gradually lulls me into a false sense of security then just when i feel it's safe to go back into the water, nasty,ittrational, abusive, Mister Hyde strikes hard when i least expect it... Is it always like that? Is this how they opperate? do they spend their days as Mister jekyl plotting and planning revenge as Mister Hyde? How does it work? I'm really confused.
I wouldn't concider myself a totaly unintelligent person, why then am i so easily manipulated and taken in when ABF swears he's realised the errors of his ways ect ect.. Worse still, why am I am always on alert for it but I never see it comming,or remember that it will come as soon as i let my guard down. Sometimes i just haven't got the energy to keep the guard up...That really makes me feels so angry with myself.
A Creepy cycle indeed.. is the cycle thing a known alcoholic feature? for me it seems to happen every two to three weeks. Lovely, best behaved charming, thoughtful, rational, reasonable, Mister Jekyl gradually lulls me into a false sense of security then just when i feel it's safe to go back into the water, nasty,ittrational, abusive, Mister Hyde strikes hard when i least expect it... Is it always like that? Is this how they opperate? do they spend their days as Mister jekyl plotting and planning revenge as Mister Hyde? How does it work? I'm really confused.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
bella: good post, good questions, good observations.
a couple of things i would say to change the angle of how to see things.
First, addiction is so self centered that you cannot take it personally (Q-TIP - quit taking it personally). Your beloved addict's brain works this way with everybody in his life. An immature brain works this way. If this were your 8-year-old child, you would expect this kind of behavior and would deal with it from your adult perspective.
Second, those of us in a close relationship with an addict have our own cycles than run in close proximity to theirs. Addiction is a 3-part circle that (forgive me if i don't get it just like the professionals) consists of a) the addict using drugs and getting into a jam that needs a rescue, b) the addict feels really bad about that and "behaves," and c) the addict starts getting "cocky" or "pompous" or "antsy" or "angry" about being stuck in the "b" part of it and so starts tells himself that getting high would be so great which leads back to "a." I'M USING THE MALE GENDER HERE because it's easier...
While the addict goes through the above vicious circle, so do we. Our cycle is also a 3-part circle which consists of a) rescuing or cleaning up the mess the addict has made, b) being really mad or bitter or disgusted with the addict which they can see and feel from us, and c) really feeling antsy or anxious because we see behavior in the addict that we know is going to lead to them using again and therefore making another mess to clean up.
Our job, then, is to get out of the cycle of addiction which is no easy task because our beloved addict's brain requires others to be in it with him in order to have something else to focus on so that their own denial about their own drug problem can continue. At first many of us try to get out of that cycle while still in close relationship with the addict but, through trial and error, we learn just how much distance we need in order to find the balance of staying out of the vicious circle and yet letting the addict know we love them...
hope that helps
a couple of things i would say to change the angle of how to see things.
First, addiction is so self centered that you cannot take it personally (Q-TIP - quit taking it personally). Your beloved addict's brain works this way with everybody in his life. An immature brain works this way. If this were your 8-year-old child, you would expect this kind of behavior and would deal with it from your adult perspective.
Second, those of us in a close relationship with an addict have our own cycles than run in close proximity to theirs. Addiction is a 3-part circle that (forgive me if i don't get it just like the professionals) consists of a) the addict using drugs and getting into a jam that needs a rescue, b) the addict feels really bad about that and "behaves," and c) the addict starts getting "cocky" or "pompous" or "antsy" or "angry" about being stuck in the "b" part of it and so starts tells himself that getting high would be so great which leads back to "a." I'M USING THE MALE GENDER HERE because it's easier...
While the addict goes through the above vicious circle, so do we. Our cycle is also a 3-part circle which consists of a) rescuing or cleaning up the mess the addict has made, b) being really mad or bitter or disgusted with the addict which they can see and feel from us, and c) really feeling antsy or anxious because we see behavior in the addict that we know is going to lead to them using again and therefore making another mess to clean up.
Our job, then, is to get out of the cycle of addiction which is no easy task because our beloved addict's brain requires others to be in it with him in order to have something else to focus on so that their own denial about their own drug problem can continue. At first many of us try to get out of that cycle while still in close relationship with the addict but, through trial and error, we learn just how much distance we need in order to find the balance of staying out of the vicious circle and yet letting the addict know we love them...
hope that helps
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
Second, those of us in a close relationship with an addict have our own cycles than run in close proximity to theirs. Addiction is a 3-part circle that (forgive me if i don't get it just like the professionals) consists of a) the addict using drugs and getting into a jam that needs a rescue, b) the addict feels really bad about that and "behaves," and c) the addict starts getting "cocky" or "pompous" or "antsy" or "angry" about being stuck in the "b" part of it and so starts tells himself that getting high would be so great which leads back to "a." I'M USING THE MALE GENDER HERE because it's easier...
While the addict goes through the above vicious circle, so do we. Our cycle is also a 3-part circle which consists of a) rescuing or cleaning up the mess the addict has made, b) being really mad or bitter or disgusted with the addict which they can see and feel from us, and c) really feeling antsy or anxious because we see behavior in the addict that we know is going to lead to them using again and therefore making another mess to clean up.
While the addict goes through the above vicious circle, so do we. Our cycle is also a 3-part circle which consists of a) rescuing or cleaning up the mess the addict has made, b) being really mad or bitter or disgusted with the addict which they can see and feel from us, and c) really feeling antsy or anxious because we see behavior in the addict that we know is going to lead to them using again and therefore making another mess to clean up.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 245
Originally Posted by sojourner 
First, addiction is so self centered that you cannot take it personally (Q-TIP - quit taking it personally). Your beloved addict's brain works this way with everybody in his life. An immature brain works this way. If this were your 8-year-old child, you would expect this kind of behavior and would deal with it from your adult perspective.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Verbal attacks take a lot, a lot of time to heal...
But as anvilhead says, its not that you can only choose Dr Jekyll, Jekyll comes with Hyde in a combo.
I could not find a person drinking and abusing my trust repeatedly so I left. I do not know how others can "dettach" with a Jekyll/Hyde in their beds. I have been out from the cycle for months now and still Work In Progress.
You mention "energy to keep the guard up" dear bella, after much hurt I am realizing a partner is your friend and your refuge from the hostile world. If I need to "keep the guard up" with anyone I consider this a red flag.
The picture I have of love (caring, affection, honesty) has nothing to do with addictions. Its just not present.
Remember you are important and your needs are important, you decide who you spend your life with. A Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde or someone who is always a Dr Jekyll? I prefer the latter. Or solitude. Both beat the horrible "walking on eggshells"
But as anvilhead says, its not that you can only choose Dr Jekyll, Jekyll comes with Hyde in a combo.
I could not find a person drinking and abusing my trust repeatedly so I left. I do not know how others can "dettach" with a Jekyll/Hyde in their beds. I have been out from the cycle for months now and still Work In Progress.
You mention "energy to keep the guard up" dear bella, after much hurt I am realizing a partner is your friend and your refuge from the hostile world. If I need to "keep the guard up" with anyone I consider this a red flag.
The picture I have of love (caring, affection, honesty) has nothing to do with addictions. Its just not present.
Remember you are important and your needs are important, you decide who you spend your life with. A Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde or someone who is always a Dr Jekyll? I prefer the latter. Or solitude. Both beat the horrible "walking on eggshells"
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
I could not find a person drinking and abusing my trust repeatedly so I left. I do not know how others can "dettach" with a Jekyll/Hyde in their beds.
You mention "energy to keep the guard up" dear bella, after much hurt I am realizing a partner is your friend and your refuge from the hostile world. If I need to "keep the guard up" with anyone I consider this a red flag.
I thank my HIGHER POWER that I'm no longer living that mess...
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Well I guess the "not taking it personal" settles more in your mind when you understand more about the cycle of abuse and addiction...
Little by little I understand I was just a cycle.... all those "events" with me were just part of a cycle.... and there were probably other similar cycles that "paved the way" towards verbal abuse, and now that this circle is over.. with the next partner there will be verbal abuse and worse... and of course the apologies... that is the progress of the disease... that is abuse on the works... it is very sad to live and witness. Especially when you are in the dark and think all of that is "love"
.. more like sick mutual needs!!
Hurts to open your eyes but hurts more to keep them closed.
When I was there in the middle, I knew nothing about it and thought they were "isolated incidents" triggered by me not being The Perfect one for him, (like, what, an sex addict AH? thinking he is God's answer to the world and lavishing his bottomless ego pit with affection? yeah right that is my purpose in life)
And you know the deal with most active AHs.. its not a matter of IF but a matter of WHEN.. WHEN alcoholism and the victim will throw another bomb, say another nasty remark, badmouth you with the drinking buddies, hit you, stalk you, kill you in the road as NO they just COULDN'T let you drive even when they were totally wasted and you were OK ... the "destruction arsenal" is endless really
bella I am glad you are starting to get informed about this. Certainly we are lucky to have so much info and support available!
I am also old to "keep any guard up" ... by now I just wish for a boring uneventful life with a guy reading the paper and me wondering if I put too much pepper on the mashed potatoes.
Little by little I understand I was just a cycle.... all those "events" with me were just part of a cycle.... and there were probably other similar cycles that "paved the way" towards verbal abuse, and now that this circle is over.. with the next partner there will be verbal abuse and worse... and of course the apologies... that is the progress of the disease... that is abuse on the works... it is very sad to live and witness. Especially when you are in the dark and think all of that is "love"
.. more like sick mutual needs!! Hurts to open your eyes but hurts more to keep them closed.
When I was there in the middle, I knew nothing about it and thought they were "isolated incidents" triggered by me not being The Perfect one for him, (like, what, an sex addict AH? thinking he is God's answer to the world and lavishing his bottomless ego pit with affection? yeah right that is my purpose in life)
And you know the deal with most active AHs.. its not a matter of IF but a matter of WHEN.. WHEN alcoholism and the victim will throw another bomb, say another nasty remark, badmouth you with the drinking buddies, hit you, stalk you, kill you in the road as NO they just COULDN'T let you drive even when they were totally wasted and you were OK ... the "destruction arsenal" is endless really
bella I am glad you are starting to get informed about this. Certainly we are lucky to have so much info and support available!
I am also old to "keep any guard up" ... by now I just wish for a boring uneventful life with a guy reading the paper and me wondering if I put too much pepper on the mashed potatoes.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
its not a matter of IF but a matter of WHEN.. WHEN alcoholism and the victim will throw another bomb, say another nasty remark, compare you mockingly to the girl next door,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Midlands, UK
Posts: 107
So what does One do? What if the Cycle is impossible to break? What if 'detachment' means acceptence of something unacceptable?
Sorry if the questions I pose seem infantile.
Great post & lots of food for thought. Thanks.
x
Sorry if the questions I pose seem infantile.
Great post & lots of food for thought. Thanks.
x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington State
Posts: 75
Oh my gosh, I can remember many many many cycles of good and bad. No matter how many times I "forgot" the bad stuff to try to get back to the good stuff it was really obvious I was lying to myself. The more I "forgot" who I was, the more depressed I felt. The more I "forgot" the more I realized my anger was a mask for sadness. The more I "forgot" after that, I realized how desparately lonely I felt keeping my guard up all the time. Then I stopped being able to forget and was really starting to unravel and doubt my sanity, breaking down in public weeping on the floor, weeping in the car, weeping in the shower, etc. I just couldn't hold back any more.
I sort of think that's like waiting for a seed to sprout, you're sending down these roots and building an underground foundation, and getting clear in your mind what is really going on around you in the dark so you know when it's time to reach up from underground to try to find some light.
I sort of think that's like waiting for a seed to sprout, you're sending down these roots and building an underground foundation, and getting clear in your mind what is really going on around you in the dark so you know when it's time to reach up from underground to try to find some light.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
bearfeet: all questions are good questions..
Try recognizing your participation in past cycles and how your response could have been different. For example, an easy thing to recognize is how you rescued or cleaned up a mess the addicted one made. Did he/she spend all their weekly money and then hit you up for money for a pack of cigarettes and you gave the money even though you really did not want to either because it left you short or perhaps just because you did not want to give money to somebody who had been unwise with the money they had. Perhaps you could have said, "I'm sorry, i don't have the extra for you this time." Perhaps you could throw in the word "honey" or "sweetie" in there somewhere.
I think you can envision a temper tantrum type response from your addicted one, or some uncomfortable response. Now you are getting to the heart of why you would give in to that person's requests (or demands sometimes). But your getting healthy has to be to face those issues head-on. You may find that your addicted loved one accepts your "no" just fine - that you had only envisioned that they would act horribly - and at other times you will find that they act horribly over the word "no" which can continue for days or weeks on their part. But we do not say "no" just to "get their goat."
The journey out of the cycle can be so confusing and raise so many questions which all of us have gone through and continue to go through in our journey through this one wild and precious life.
Try recognizing your participation in past cycles and how your response could have been different. For example, an easy thing to recognize is how you rescued or cleaned up a mess the addicted one made. Did he/she spend all their weekly money and then hit you up for money for a pack of cigarettes and you gave the money even though you really did not want to either because it left you short or perhaps just because you did not want to give money to somebody who had been unwise with the money they had. Perhaps you could have said, "I'm sorry, i don't have the extra for you this time." Perhaps you could throw in the word "honey" or "sweetie" in there somewhere.
I think you can envision a temper tantrum type response from your addicted one, or some uncomfortable response. Now you are getting to the heart of why you would give in to that person's requests (or demands sometimes). But your getting healthy has to be to face those issues head-on. You may find that your addicted loved one accepts your "no" just fine - that you had only envisioned that they would act horribly - and at other times you will find that they act horribly over the word "no" which can continue for days or weeks on their part. But we do not say "no" just to "get their goat."
The journey out of the cycle can be so confusing and raise so many questions which all of us have gone through and continue to go through in our journey through this one wild and precious life.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
