doonya

I am not an addict. I have been reading this forum for 3 weeks solid hoping to gain insight into a problem I have never really had to confront before now. Yes, my father was an alcoholic. But he drank for 25 years, got clean and was sober until the day he died. Even when he was drinking he was, I don't know if there is a proper term for it, but mom always said he was a "gentle drunk". AA, Alanon and Alateen were a big part of my life growing up. My mom and he were childhood sweethearts and she stayed with him the entire time. They were married 66 years when he passed away. So, here is what I took away from that experience. Yes, addiction is a problem but it can be easily fixed and then everything is hunky-dory.

I had no idea.

I am witnessing, as we speak, the deliberate and unspeakable tragedy of a "suicide by drug addiction". It is occurring, over the last 9 weeks, to a friend of my son's. I cannot begin to tell you how horrified I am. I had no idea. And this, I might add, from a 30-year career toxicologist who has spent countless hours doing drug screening and drug confirmations for legal purposes.

More sadly, the addict in question has a small child for whom she is not presently a fit mother. My son is caring for the child while the addict is hellbent on killing herself - same residence. He asks me for advice and all I can tell him is to seek the help of people who have "been there, done that" and lived to tell the tale. I have frightening (to me) fears for his welfare, but my money is absolutely on my kid. My admiration for those of you who have walked this road knows no bounds. If you have gone through this, and made it out the other side ...... I want you to know that there is one person out here who thinks that your HP is holding a place of honor for you and that it is richly deserved. I stand in awe of anyone who can face this demon down.

I had no idea.

Take a moment to honor yourselves. What you have done, are doing, makes you a credit to mankind. And I mean that, with all my heart.

outtolunch

My daughter, soon to be 21, is the addict in my life and this is exactly how I view her addiction. It's natural for me to want to protect her at the risk of my own survival.

I came here looking for a way to fix her. What I found was my own survival.

I so very much appreciate your words. You understand better than most, that we did not cause this, cannot control this and most certainly cannot cure it. If only all it took was love and support, none of us would be here.

smacked

Child protective services need to be called immediately for the welfare of that child. I understand that your son is doing what he can, but that child has no business in the home of an active addict.

I am sorry that you're witness to such a tragedy, it's unfortunately common.

Daisy09

I found this to be EXTREMELY disturbing. My husband is working on kicking his addiction to heroin. We have two small children. I care for them quite well, thank you. I realize that your comment was made out of concern for the child, but unless you know all the circumstances, please don't be so quick to say something like this. What about families where one of the children is the addict? Should the others be removed from their home? Your comment is a really big slap in the face to all the Moms and Dads who work so hard to be sure that their children have a safe and loving home environment while a loved one is struggling to overcome an addiction in the family.

JMHO.

smacked

I apologize. From what I read it was that a small child is in the home with the actively addicted/suicidal mother. The only caregiver is the poster's son who is a friend, in the home, where the addict is by what's written, killing herself. If he weren't being responsible for the friend's child.. who would be? It's not his resposibility and it's amazing that he's taken it on, but in the end.. what next? nothing? ok then.

Sorry, doon.. please disregard my inappropriate response, I become very scared and concerned about the innocent victims in all this. I was out of place. I am not a person to stand by knowing that a child is in danger and do nothing. If I knew that a small child was in the home with an actively addicted and suicidal "unfit" parent, hell yes I would get them help, immediately. Perhaps that's ridiculous.

Carry on, no need for me to further interject or hijack.

whereami

So is the question "do we stay in it as long as one person is sober?" Or do we leave b/c there could be a profound effect on the children?

breakingfree88

"Your comment is a really big slap in the face to all the Moms and Dads who work so hard to be sure that their children have a safe and loving home environment while a loved one is struggling to overcome an addiction in the family."

The thing is, you can't be sure that your children have a safe and loving home environment while there is an active addict in the house. It just doesn't work that way. The kids get the vibes, they see the family roles, they take their dysfunctional roles (whether the parents notice or not) and they carry those warped beliefs and perceptions with them the rest of their life. (Until they choose to "rewire" their thinking)
I know....I'm one of those children.

To suggest that the children need to get out of the house of an addict is not to suggest that the non-addict parent can't leave with them.
In your son's case, doonya, that's difficult and I can't say I have any advice. But you and your family will be in my prayers. CPS and loving detachment seem like good options for you. Take care of yourself!!
Love,
Holly

outonalimb

doonya,
I thought your post was really sweet...and sincere...and it touched my heart.

My situation growing up was alot like yours...my dad is an alcoholic...my mom stuck by his side...and they just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. I don't know what they would do without each other...and so I also thought that addiction was something a couple could work through... And I admired my mom for sticking it out. She's my hero for lots of reasons...not just this one.

And then my husband...the father of my (now 10 year old) son became a heroin addict when our son was just 3 years old and I realized what a nightmare addiction can be. I realized...after several years of trying...that I couldn't 'fix' the problem...no amount of love or support was enough. I realized that I'm not my mom...and that the way she handled my dad's alcoholism had absolutely no application to my situation with a heroin-addicted spouse.

I finally left with our son. I look back now and I absolutely shudder at the things that went on in my home. I realize now that my exah wasn't ever really clean although he told me he was and he played the role of someone struggling to get clean very well. I unknowingly put my child in danger and I AM a good mom. I just didn't know what I was dealing with.

I let my guard down at times and left my son with his dad while I worked or ran errands. I didn't know it at the time but my exah was still using and watched our son and drove with him while high. I could have lost custody of my child by staying with someone with a known drug addiction and leaving my child in his care. This is a fact. Its not a slap in the face of anyone.

I wouldn't wish this nightmare on anyone...

I guess you can probably tell from my post that I happen to think that the child needs to be removed from the home as well. Your son sounds like a wonderful loving person (as most codependents are) but he shouldn't have to bear this burden. Where are this child's grandparents, aunts, uncles? Father? The situation at home sounds so unhealthy...not just for this innocent child...but for your son who is shouldering a situation that is SO harmful and potentially dangerous.


I worry for your son and the potential harm/danger/liability he assumes by 'helping' an active addict maintain custody of her child. His heart may be in the right place but this sounds like such a dangerous situation for him and the child.

You're all in my prayers tonight.

outtolunch

The thing is, no one can be sure that any child is in a safe and loving home enviornment, regardless of active addiction, or not. Most families are dysfunctional, on several levels.

Is sleeping in a homeless shelter a better alternative?

Putting children into "the system" may not always be the best alternative.

There is no one size fits all, response, for every situation.

JustAYak

I don't know what causes more dysfunction:
-Being taken away by CPS
-Living in a house with an active addict but one sober parent, or
-Seperating from the addict and taking your young, impressionable children away and trying to live a "normal" life again (by the way, that doesn't ever happen).

IMO, all 3 of those ways sucks. Once a child has an active addict as a parent there is no way you can undo the damage and experiences they might have. Whether you seperate from the addict after a month with the kids, they're still going to have lived with that addict and they are still going to carry the memory away with them anyways. If the addict was abusive, then yeah, there's definitley a benefit to you picking up and leaving, but either way the kid is gonna be down. You don't just forget about it and live a normal life after you leave...

I lived with an active addict and one sober parent for a good chunk of time, now granted I didn't turn out great however, even if my mom removed me and my sister from that household after living a year with my addict father, I really wouldn't see that much of a difference. I wouldn't have been living in destruction anymore but I would still carry all the hurt and pain and memories I do today.

In this case, it's different because I'm guessing your son isn't the father of the child so there is only one parent and that's the addict. Your son can't take care of the child forever so I'm thinking CPS is the way to go because it's the only way that really makes any sense. Still though, that child is going to be just as "damaged" as any other kid that goes through this shxt.

ventuhome

Well, as the aunt of a boy who IS in Foster Care right now because of his mom's drug addiction, I'd like to share my thoughts on this. First of all, calling CPS doesnt mean the kid will go to Foster Care immediately. CPS was out to my bro's house several times before intervening. My bro was doing his absolute best to care for child and the house. The social worker was actually worried for his health from working so hard. But the environment still wasn't safe for my nephew so he went to Foster Care. Now we miss him horribly, but he's in a safe place with kids he can play with, my brother visits him 4 -6 times a week, and his addict mom has a real good incentive to get clean (she's currently in jail). My philosophy is "when in doubt, call CPS". This is not a reflection on clean partners of addicts, even the addict, but the disease. Having CPS come by is a possible consequence of an addict using.

doonya

I am truly grateful for each and every one of your responses - especially those shared from personal experience. It goes along with my firm belief in "been there, done that." It is the reason I came here for insight. My experience with addiction was singular and rather skewed on the light side.

I found the following somewhere on your site:

"Life has its own timeline. As soon as we get the lesson, pain neutralizes, then disappears,
And the lesson is always ours,
Examine your life. Are you waiting for someone or something outside of you to happen to make you feel better? Are you waiting for someone to learn his or her lesson for your pain to stop? If you are, try turning inward, See what the lesson really is.

God, please show me what I'm supposed to be learning right now."

I think that my lesson in this situation is to take motherhood to it's highest level. That being the level where I "let go and let God". We did our best to pass on the tools. The rest of the job is theirs to own.

..... I said before that all of my faith, and all of my support and all of my trust rests in my son. He is, in fact, quite an amazing person. His family stands united for him if he needs us. We think he should walk away now, but he is not ready to do that. It is his life - but he will never be alone.

littlebird77

I am a firm believer in the "Let Go and Let God". But there are times when I think our HP gives us the tools and strengths to not walk away. I wonder where this child is when she is scoring, does she bring them along? Are they being exposed to this? Will they grow up to do the same thing?...

TrainWreckAgain

Just to add my 2₵...

3 months ago, I made the decision to tell my AGF that she had to leave the home. I am currently caring for her children while she is rehab. I have been going to Al Anon and seeing a therapist for help with my issues of co-dependence and relationship addiction.

At the time of the final showdown, I did tell her that I would call CPS if she tried to take the kids with her. And, when she was talking about leaving treatment, I told her again that I would call CPS. There was NO WAY she could have cared for her kids on her own. As painful as the thought of having those innocent kids "in the system" was, the thought of them being on the street with their mom who was in active addiction was worse. Sometimes, it is truly the lesser of two evils.

I am absolutely convinced that in my case, it was the right thing to do. The Big Book calls the alcoholic "a tornado" in the home. She certainly was for our home. As I am sitting here typing this note, my kids and her kids are on the floor in front of me watching TV and laughing. Laughter was missing from our home for so long.

The kids will always carry the memories with them of what the went through, but they now have a shot at a better future. And, I have a shot at a better, healthier future.

Just one man's opinion and experience.

smacked

Doonya.. from what I read of your story, your son isn't the addict. It sounds like he DOES need some help. The let go and let god thing does nothing to protect the little child here, or help your son who isn't the one using the drugs, he's the one trying to be responsible, and seems a bit misguided in what that means. A lot of what you're reading here is experience and guidance on how to deal with having an addicted family member.. your son isn't the addict here. What is letting go of the situation going to do for this child? I don't know how you can willingly walk away from a situation when you have an opportunity to intervene on the welfare of this kid. I could care less if the addict uses or doesn't..THAT is what you let go, that is what detachment means, here... the rest is a tad important to maybe exercise some ACTION.

You got a lot of "been there done that" guidance here, and I never saw any of it that said 'walk away' or 'do nothing' or.. 'let go and let god'.

ugh.

Sorry if I'm out of line, again. But still.. nothing is or will be done for this child and it makes me sick.

riaerif

As the child of an addict, I can tell you that my life would be far different if I were taken away from her. It would have been crap. That child is too young to understand what addiction is. He/she is too young to know that their mother is actively choosing herself over her child. It sucks and no matter what, that kid is going to need help in one way, shape or form eventually.

But the kid has that in your son. I'm screwed up, yeah, but I had some loving people on my side who reminded me that her screwups were not my fault (which I still wouldn't have believed).

Removing the child from her is NOT a bad idea, but remember once you involve CPS, there's no uninvolving them.

Your son, if he's capable of being there for her child for the child's sake and not for hers, then sure, he should care of the child. But if he is only there for the child so the addict doesn't lose the child, then that's a problem and his kindness is coming from a place that will do the child more harm than good.

Maybe he could see if there is a way to get guardianship of the child and then he needs to move out and let the child see the mom often, but with no chance of being together permanently until she's ready.