quitting for another
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 16
quitting for another
Hello all,
I have hung around this website, and read many posts and feel better for it. I posted some in the “friends and family” section, where I gave a bit of an introduction when looking for some wisdom a couple of weeks ago. The replies to my posts were helpful. I continue to appreciate most of what I read here, and thank you all.
Without telling the long story of my alcohol problem, I have a topic for discussion. I’ve read of others with similar stories, but would appreciate hearing more.
I have struggled with my alcohol abuse for some time. Lately, I have earnestly been working towards sustained abstinence, mostly successfully. My primary motivation for quitting has been to preserve my relationship with my wife, and preserve our family. I feel that if not for the angst my drinking causes her, I would happily continue without understanding that I have a serious problem.
That is not to contend that alcohol does not harm me in other ways. I understand that there are other reasons for examining my drinking habit, but none seem terribly convincing; and I sometimes feel limited by the abstinent life. I often feel uncomfortably “not myself.” I continue to try to “reinvent” myself with new outlooks, activities and therapies; but sometimes feel very ambivalent about this reinvention.
I think that I am beyond most of the resentment I once had towards my wife for her demand that I change my behavior. And I understand that one “has to find the motivation for oneself (and not for somebody else).” But, Isn’t it “for myself” if it is important for me to preserve important relationships?
But at this point after 3 years of struggling with this in our marriage, I don’t even know what we have in our relationship. The self I’m reinventing doesn’t feel like the self that once connected so easily with her. And while I understand I need to remain patient while earning intimacy, it sometimes seems the equation is now so different that I wouldn’t bet on its success as an outside observer. Nevertheless, I feel I need to stay on course and see where it leads, even without a map.
Know what I mean?
I have hung around this website, and read many posts and feel better for it. I posted some in the “friends and family” section, where I gave a bit of an introduction when looking for some wisdom a couple of weeks ago. The replies to my posts were helpful. I continue to appreciate most of what I read here, and thank you all.
Without telling the long story of my alcohol problem, I have a topic for discussion. I’ve read of others with similar stories, but would appreciate hearing more.
I have struggled with my alcohol abuse for some time. Lately, I have earnestly been working towards sustained abstinence, mostly successfully. My primary motivation for quitting has been to preserve my relationship with my wife, and preserve our family. I feel that if not for the angst my drinking causes her, I would happily continue without understanding that I have a serious problem.
That is not to contend that alcohol does not harm me in other ways. I understand that there are other reasons for examining my drinking habit, but none seem terribly convincing; and I sometimes feel limited by the abstinent life. I often feel uncomfortably “not myself.” I continue to try to “reinvent” myself with new outlooks, activities and therapies; but sometimes feel very ambivalent about this reinvention.
I think that I am beyond most of the resentment I once had towards my wife for her demand that I change my behavior. And I understand that one “has to find the motivation for oneself (and not for somebody else).” But, Isn’t it “for myself” if it is important for me to preserve important relationships?
But at this point after 3 years of struggling with this in our marriage, I don’t even know what we have in our relationship. The self I’m reinventing doesn’t feel like the self that once connected so easily with her. And while I understand I need to remain patient while earning intimacy, it sometimes seems the equation is now so different that I wouldn’t bet on its success as an outside observer. Nevertheless, I feel I need to stay on course and see where it leads, even without a map.
Know what I mean?
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: SoCal
Posts: 373
Welcome to SR!
As I understand it, you've been struggling with alcohol for 3 years? Are you working a program or getting therapy? Is your wife working with ALANON or getting therapy? Have you been sober for 3 years? I'm sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to get a clearer understanding of your situation.
I'm glad you're here!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
rightonac,
For me, it took a long time to want to be sober. I think that's a big problem for many of us alcoholics: finding the desire to quit drinking. In the beginning, I think I mostly just wanted to find a way to avoid the consequences of drinking. Like hangovers, isolating and the depression. I didn't have legal problems or work problems. Because I carefully planned my drinking, I stayed at home and drank "in peace."
Finally, I really did want to quit. I wanted to be done with alcohol. It became much easier to stay sober.
I don't know if this helps you or answers your questions, but it's my story. I don't want to live like that any more.
Love,
Lenina
For me, it took a long time to want to be sober. I think that's a big problem for many of us alcoholics: finding the desire to quit drinking. In the beginning, I think I mostly just wanted to find a way to avoid the consequences of drinking. Like hangovers, isolating and the depression. I didn't have legal problems or work problems. Because I carefully planned my drinking, I stayed at home and drank "in peace."
Finally, I really did want to quit. I wanted to be done with alcohol. It became much easier to stay sober.
I don't know if this helps you or answers your questions, but it's my story. I don't want to live like that any more.
Love,
Lenina
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Saint Louis, MO
Posts: 285
Congrats. Whatever gets you to put down the drink is good for now. Whatever motivation works, take it. I think people are right when they say that you have to do it for yourself and not another person though. You may be able to quit for awhile to help patch things over with the fam, but it has to be something you want to do for you for the long run. That said, you don't need to be quitting for yourself today. Quitting for them is good enough and maybe overtime you can find that you really want your sobriety, not just for your relationship with your wife, but to make yourself a better person.
Don't think of sobriety as "reinventing" yourself. Recovery is about finding out who you really are and accepting it. Sure you will want to change certain bad habits but this doesn't mean you have change who you are as a human being. Good luck. Stay on course.
Don't think of sobriety as "reinventing" yourself. Recovery is about finding out who you really are and accepting it. Sure you will want to change certain bad habits but this doesn't mean you have change who you are as a human being. Good luck. Stay on course.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Hi rightonac
It's difficult to tell from just one post so forgive me if I have this wrong, but what I'm reading here it sounds like, at least at some level, you don't really want to quit....and, in my experience, if that inner desires not there? then no external motivation is likely to move you enough to make it happen. If that was the case, you'd have stopped 3 years ago. At the very least it's gonna be a hard road.
I can't tell you how to find your inner motivation but I can tell you how I got mine - I drank ridiculous amounts and wasted too many years getting to the point where I wanted to stop...
I was drinking 24/7, forever sick, broke and alone, spending all day in my pokey little room - and I lost two partners getting to that point. I lost everything twice...and still drank for years afterwards.
Be smarter than I was - look at what your priorities are, look at where drinking will lead you...and act now.
There are any number of programs to explore, any number of counsellors to call ...I think Alanon for yr wife is a great idea too.
D
Originally Posted by rightonac 
My primary motivation for quitting has been to preserve my relationship with my wife, and preserve our family. I feel that if not for the angst my drinking causes her, I would happily continue without understanding that I have a serious problem.
That is not to contend that alcohol does not harm me in other ways. I understand that there are other reasons for examining my drinking habit, but none seem terribly convincing; and I sometimes feel limited by the abstinent life. I often feel uncomfortably “not myself.” I continue to try to “reinvent” myself with new outlooks, activities and therapies; but sometimes feel very ambivalent about this reinvention.
I think that I am beyond most of the resentment I once had towards my wife for her demand that I change my behavior.
I think that I am beyond most of the resentment I once had towards my wife for her demand that I change my behavior.
I can't tell you how to find your inner motivation but I can tell you how I got mine - I drank ridiculous amounts and wasted too many years getting to the point where I wanted to stop...
I was drinking 24/7, forever sick, broke and alone, spending all day in my pokey little room - and I lost two partners getting to that point. I lost everything twice...and still drank for years afterwards.
Be smarter than I was - look at what your priorities are, look at where drinking will lead you...and act now.
There are any number of programs to explore, any number of counsellors to call ...I think Alanon for yr wife is a great idea too.
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 423
Yeah, there is no map or "reinvention" template. There is just disappointment, frustration, ruined homes, etc. You sound intelligent and like me, we feel like we should be able to figure this out.
But accept that we have a powerful disease and the smarter we are the worse it can be; mainly because we can hide it or rationalize it longer. It takes hard work to stay sober and deal with our disease - We just can't will it away.
The motivation for me was when I hit bottom and realized I was on the brink of losing my family - Are you there yet? If so, fighting to save your family is worthy motivation!!
Plus, one other thought: Get sober one day at a time for 90 days and THEN take stock of your life. A bulb will light and you will have a whole new outlook that is positive and optimistic.
As you can infer, I certainly can relate!
Dave
But accept that we have a powerful disease and the smarter we are the worse it can be; mainly because we can hide it or rationalize it longer. It takes hard work to stay sober and deal with our disease - We just can't will it away.
The motivation for me was when I hit bottom and realized I was on the brink of losing my family - Are you there yet? If so, fighting to save your family is worthy motivation!!
Plus, one other thought: Get sober one day at a time for 90 days and THEN take stock of your life. A bulb will light and you will have a whole new outlook that is positive and optimistic.
As you can infer, I certainly can relate!
Dave
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
There is a saying around the rooms of AA: "he wants to want to quit". Maybe this describes you?
If your wife demanded that you give up lima beans, would you be experiencing all this angst? If not, isn't that evidence in and of itself that alcohol is a problem/
I don't look at quitting as "reinventing" myself, I look at it as "discovering" myself. It is the best thing I ever did. I agree 100% with Dee, don't go as far down that alcoholic path as some of us have.
If your wife demanded that you give up lima beans, would you be experiencing all this angst? If not, isn't that evidence in and of itself that alcohol is a problem/
I don't look at quitting as "reinventing" myself, I look at it as "discovering" myself. It is the best thing I ever did. I agree 100% with Dee, don't go as far down that alcoholic path as some of us have.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
