RedTailHawk

So I left my AH on June 1. I am staying at a friend's house and have been trying to just detach and care for me and heal a little from the intense pain. Now I am feeling overwhelmed by all the opinions of others who have no idea of what I am going through. They have not had addiction in their lives. But suddenly everyone is an expert.

I am tired of hearing "he's scum", I am tired of hearing " well, what you should do is...". I am tired of my attorney who thinks she is an expert on codependency and is happy to dish free advice. I am tired of hearing angry things like "he deserves to be in jail..."

I am exhausted from the intensity of my insane marriage...I am exhausted from the energy it took to leave...I am exhausted trying to still work too many hours...I am just exhausted. Period. I can't think any more. I can't process any more. And just when I think I can get some quiet - everyone has an opinion about who I am, who he is, and what I should be doing. The person I am staying with is now obsessed with where I am every waking minute. I appreciate she is trying to be "helpful", but I am not a child!

Any advice out there on ways to deal with that? I am thinking I just need to go away for a week - alone - and feel what I need to feel in peace. For those who have been through it, I would love to hear how you coped.

Abundance

Breaking away for a week.... sounds like a great idea! You then get to step aside from everything and have a different view point.

Where are some places that you can go?

In the meantime..... alanon is really good too!

Daisy09

I second the "going away alone for a week" idea

Part of why I have not told anyone about my husband's addiction is because I do not want to hear what they have to say. If I knew anyone who had had a similar experience I might open up to them, but I don't, and you're right - people who have not had to deal with addiction cannot fully understand. 4 months ago, I wouldn't have understood, either...

liesagain

I too understand how it feels to have everyone adding their opinions.

My husbands addiction and his treatment...........somehow appears to be everyones business.from my children to my mother even some friends and of course his family.

Everyone has an opinion of what I should do and shouldnt do. And most of the time I feel I have to justify myself to everyone.

I like the idea of getting away for a week alone but cant really manage that right now.
The best I can do is try not to let it bother me. Acknowledge they each have a right to thier opinions but ultimately this is my life.........

and I must and will do what I think is best for me..........even if its not whats "best" its my decision to make.

Hang in there take care of you..................and try not to let it overwhelm you.

winnie12

AMEN SISTER!!!! if one more person tells me what i should do i'm gonna tear off all my clothes and run down the street screaming.

the best thing to do is to understand that they DONT understand and have no clue what they are talking about. its like an auto-mechanic trying to give you a perm. then just smile and change the conversation.

RedTailHawk

Winnie you gave me the best laugh ever! Maybe if I tell people I am going to rip off my clothes and go running down the street screaming - they would stop. It would not be a pretty picture LOL...

rayofsunshine

Amen from me too! I know exactly how you feel. I'm afraid I haven't learned
how to bite my tongue completely yet... my family, especially my sister drive me
nuts with their opinions.. not so much about STBexAH anymore, but how I'm raising the kids, how I need to go back to school, how I need this kind of job... blah blah blah.

I just want to tell them to live their life... I'll live mine! I am 40 years old you know! Maybe I'll try the ripping off clothes and running down the street thing... LOL

Hopefully someone will be along soon with some good advice that'll help us both.

imallright

Hi Red... you hit it on the head... get yourself some space and time to think. What matters is what you think and what you want... not what everyone else thinks is best.

Hopefully a little bit of time alone and maybe doing something fun... will clear your head and help you figure out what is next. Hang in!!!

Ann

I don't know if you go to meetings or not, but I found it helpful when people (who meant well) would give me "advice" to say "My meetings are very helpful and I am trying to process this with others who have been through it"....or a simple "Thank you for caring but I'd rather not talk about it right now" should end the conversation before you have to tear your clothes off and run naked down the street

The only people who could possibly understand how we feel and what we have been through, are those who have been where we are...that's why I found meetings a helpful and safe place to talk.

Hugs

CatsPajamas

I agree with Ann. Al Anon is a safe place, and a place where others know what I'm going thru and they don't offer advice. instead, they share what worked and what didn't work for them.

I got tired of people getting into my business as well. I learned to say, Thanks for your input. My son/husband/loved one (I had more than one qualifier) has some really important life lessons to learn and they aren't from me.

I also learned to use the Big Five: Oh? Wow. Really. Huh. You don't say ! (and the new one from my good friend hangin in: How 'Bout that?)

My counselor suggested I shut them down with "you may be right."

Whatever tool you use, realize that "normies" often just don't understand our lives. And they probably never will. Keep coming here, sharing, reading, learning. WE understand.

Hugs

Cats

SoberAndy

You might want to try just cutting them off and saying, "Thanks. What I've decided to do is ..." and changing the subject or just ending the conversation. "Hey, I've got to go now. Talk to you soon."

KariSue

I certainly can sympathize.

I've already said "I don't want to talk about all that right now. If I want to talk at some point I know you're there for me." Then change the subject. If they start up again, just keep repeating the same two sentences over and over again. (It's called the broken record technique).

I almost started a similar thread. My beef is with people who know I have an AS talking about other friends with addicts or alcoholics and calling them losers, potheads, etc. as if they were just some low lifes YET they KNOW they are talking to someone who has a son she loves who is an addict. I'm probably going to finally get tired of it one day and nicely say "You know, under that addict is a wonderful person. It hurts me to hear you talk about addicts that way as I relate it to my own son." Hopefully that will shame them. I know I'll think of something like that to say because they are just being so rude and it ticks me off big time.

A week away sounds great if you can arrange it.

KariSue

RedTailHawk

Yes. Other people are so focused on the impacts of addiction, they forget that that addict is our family, our friend, our spouse, our child. THey are a human being - they are not their addiction. They are not an "it". They are sick and they need to find help. It does indeed hurt. Thanks for sharing that.

RedTailHawk

Thanks, Ann and Cats on the meeting suggestion. I have found one close to me and am going on Thursday night. I guess I am learning that I need to surround myself with support...I will even go one step farther - I am worthy of support as I travel this difficult road. And I think it would be a powerful way to put a boundary between myself and the positive intentions of others. Thanks for raising my awareness on that.

greeteachday

Don't forget "well bless your heart"