Tally

Ok, some of you may have heard me mention in the past that my BF has no sex drive. He had a small amount when we first met, of course being a codie I immediately thought it was me. He explained that it definately wasn't me and that he'd had the problem with previous girlfriends for a few years, really since he started drinking heavily.

Gradually over the course of a couple of years, his drinking increased and what sex drive he had, disappeared completly.
It caused a lot of trouble between us, I'm naturally a very physical person, always have been and I missed the intimacy very much, not just the physical act, but the connection, that thing that two people share between them.
He went on the defensive alot, blamed the drink, swore blind a million times it had nothing to do with me.

For the last 4 years we've lived as friends. We share the same bed, we cuddle up alot, hold hands whilst watching the tele and share the odd peck on the lips, nothing more. No snogging, no flirting, no nothing. We have the intimacy that comes from knowing someone inside and out (or so I thought), being comfortable around each other but nothing sexual at all on his part.

He's now been sober for 16 months. I really thought we would see some improvement in the intimacy department but nothing at all.
Last October I asked him if he would go to the doctors and try and get some help with it. Told him I loved him very much and it was hard to be with him and not be able to go near him. He said if it meant that much to me he would as he thought it would help our relationship.
I promised myself then that if he did nothing by my birthday (June) that I would give him an ultimatum and if I had to, finish it.

This month he's been away back to his parents to visit. My birthday had passed and 8 months since our talk and no action at all. So I figure he was just saying what he thought I wanted to hear with regards to going the docs and that the action had to come on my part.

I wrote him an email, a nice email but I explained that I had been very patient but nothing between us in 4 years is too much and that I would like him to see someone, if he was happy with us just being friends then we could go our seperate ways because I couldn't do it anymore.

He replied a few hours later and told me that his sex drive had declined because of my weight gain and that although he was insecure with himself and wasn't sure my weight gain was the entire reason, we would only know once I had lost the weight I had gained.

As you can imagine I am very hurt. This all occured last Tuesday and I haven't spoken to him since, I didn't reply to his email except to tell him to leave me be for a while. I have no idea what to say to him.

For the last 6 days I've rocked between sadness, anger and confusion to plain old forgetting about it and having some fun with friends, if I don't think about it, it's not happening...that kinda thing.

He never once indicated that my weight was the reason. If indeed it is the reason, then why did he have problems before he met me? If it is the reason, why did he lose his sex drive before I put on weight? I started comfort eating because of his rejection and I know I didn't put much on at all before his sex drive disappeared.

Is he using my weight gain to deflect the attention away from himself and on to me? If he doesn't find me attractive why has he stayed with me? Why has he lied to me for so many years and watched me be so unhappy.

Ironically I joined a slimming club about a month ago and have already lost over a stone, not for him but for me. I don't want to feel like I "have" to lose weight to keep him interested in me, but then I wasn't this weight when we met and I prolly wouldn't fancy him if he gained alot either.

I know he should love me anyway, but I also understand that one can't help what they're attracted to. I really do understand that he may not fancy me because I've gained weight, it makes me sad but I understand.
My anger comes from the lies he's told me for so long, the possible manipulation and using it to deflect away from him.

I have no idea what to do. How can I stay with him knowing he doesn't find me attractive? How could I hold his hand again or cuddle him in bed knowing that?

I'm so confused. Sorry it's so long, I have a tendancy to ramble.

JenT1968

sounds to me like you know in your gut whether this is the real reason or not, and what that means...


congrats with losing the weight for yourself by the way,

laurie6781

BULL

He is quaking, probably out of fear of what the Dr might find.

I have seen this again and again, even had a husband that was this way. Turned out he and others that I know of, had LOW TESTOSTERONE levels, possibly from the drinking and using. Once my EX started taking his testosterone, at the age of 45 no less, things changed.

Doctors do a complete work up, prostate tests and all to get the the bottom of the problem.

His saying that to you, was just the addict way of trying to DEFLECT from him by pointing at you, however, he totally forgets that when he points a finger at you he has 3 pointing back at himself.

I can understand you were hurt, and I suspect you your extra weight makes you uncomfortable too so, of course, the hurt.

Just remember, you are still dealing with a QUACKING and MANIPULATIVE alkie. It can takes years for one in recovery from booze and/or drugs to learn how NOT to do those behaviors any more.

Sometimes, it took 'hurt' like this for me to see, that I no longer wanted this 'toxic' person around me or in my life, for me to 'move on.'

Congrats on the weight loss. I am glad you are doing it for you and your well being. You also have to remember that the 'gain' could very well have been because of the 'stress' of living with him. Extreme ongoing stress, can cause one to stop eating almost entirely and go almost anorexic or eat and gain weight.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Tally

Yeah it definately does hurt, 4 years of rejection on top of this revelation and you can imagine what my confidense is like, lol. He said in the email that it was a relief to get it off his chest because he'd taken the responsibility all these years so as not to hurt my feelings.

I do think that part of it is "quacking" and deflection but partly true also. It is the partly true bit I don't know what to do with. Does that make sense? I don't know what to say to him so I've just not spoken to him.

TakingCharge999

Hi Missus

Congrats on taking care of yourself!! Losing weight is the best feeling (I read somewhere, 70% of women would prefer to lose weight rather than find "The One".. )

I agree it seems its not about weight or not but about a partner not taking your needs seriously and disregarding them.

You know, I like to think what I would do if my partner started gaining weight as a "measure" of how I would expect to be treated.

I would never point it out.

I would invite him to ride a bike with me, walk to the zoo, run in the park... invite him to nice vegetarian restaurants, cook a lovely healthier meal. And even if he gained weight... if you really love and cherish a person... it is not a huge deal, is it? if its just a few pounds... who cares, my priorities are for him to be dependable, honest, loving, a good friend... not for him to look great and have a nice car and $$$ or the best beach body, I just do not care about that

F. applied the same twisted logic, he stated I had gained weight and looked bad in some pair of trousers and mocked me when I tried swimming suits and nothing looked good... as if he was this Adonis.

I will tell you the irony of this, my current guy looks like a freakin MODEL, honestly he could be one. And I have gained weight due to stress and preferring to stay in bed than going out and DO something.

YET this guy still says I am pretty and does not seem to be bothered at all about this.. he ALWAYS says I look good regardless of anything and I am the best thing that ever happened, etc etc etc! that is what boyfriends are for... to make you feel good about yourself and treat you with respect and actually SEE your soul and your big heart and if he thinks you do not look that great.. LOVINGLY invite you to do more exercise and fun stuff outside, buy you clothes... invite you to a spa.. LOL I mean why not??

Take care of you, remember its actions not words than count.. so he ignores your requests and after years he says he "did not want to hurt you"? and poor suffering soul carrying that "secret"

Don't buy anything of it... if you do not know what to say, don't say anything...
And reflect on your boundaries and deal breakers, for me someone who criticizes how I look and more specially WEIGHT such a sensitive issue for a woman, is totally OUT. Sorry but no more time for ppl that imagine they are a modeling agency and they are judging you are not a size 00. He is not Tyra Banks and you are not in Americas Next Top model!! (and even there Whitney a plus size, won, LOL)

All the best and sorry for my rambling.

ItsmeAlice

I agree that the idea of your weight being the issue is total crap!!!!

He had the problem when you met and had admitted that his heavy drinking made the problem worse. He is now 16 months sober and his interest hasn't returned so of course it couldn't be because he has a problem, right? (sarcasm drips from that statement)

It was convenient to blame his sexual dysfunction on the alcohol, and now it's convenient to blame it on you. Someone who would hurt you in that way is not worth your affection and not worth wasting a beautiful body on. Time to put that shiny lure in a different pond and catch a worthy fish.

I too have gone without the passion that I longed for going on three years. Before that it only came at my pursueing him, changing my appearance to please him, and pursueing again. I ate my feelings and gained far too much weight. I am actually thankful that it affected my health the way it did and drove me to change my ways. I have made great strides, too, and have learned to love myself again. I find it not at all surprising that I'm feeling better and looking better than I have in a long while, and it hasn't gotten his attention in the least. He likes the curves of a beer bottle more than mine, I suppose.

You can do this, you are already on your way!!

I say, if you feel the need to respond to him in the future...tell him what you have told us. Remind him that the problem existed long before you and this pretty much destroys his excuse, but since he felt the need to hurt you this way, he doesn't deserve you as a friend or otherwise.

My best to you!!

Alice

isurvived

He obviously wants something different out of the relationship than you do.

I guess if it were me, and intimacy was important to me, I'd start looking for greener pastures!

Tally

I'm trying not to have the knee jerk response filled with anger, that's part of the reason I haven't responded, thinking if I give it time my anger may subside but instead I find myself getting more wound up when I think about it.

I totally agree that looks don't really matter, but I suppose being attracted to someone physically is important in some regards if you're to have a physical relationship with them. I've already stated that if he gained a lot of weight I might not find him attractive as I once did. I can say this being an overweight woman and understand where he is coming from.

I've googled this problem and it seems it's quite common, not just within alkie/codie relationships, but within "normal" relationships too. I don't want to push his feelings completely to one side just because he's an alcoholic but at the same time I'm angry that he seems to be pushing it all on to me. It's very confusing and I'm not used to it, like I said, in the 6 yrs we've been together he's never mentioned my weight in a bad way until now.

Kimmieh

He had taken the responsibility of what? He "took the blame" for having a low libido because he didn't want to tell you that it's your weight and therefore YOU are the problem and not HIM? How does that work when the problem was there before you gained the weight?

Such a manipulative cop-out. I have weight issues and I know how much it can hurt. Please don't let it get to you too much! :ghug3

Tally

I've had offers, never paid much attention to them though because I wanted this to work out.

I've been thinking alot about finishing it, I can't see how I can be with him now knowing he finds me repulsive, either that or would hurt me in that way to take the responsibility off of him.

The thing is, I'm a codie, lol. I'm finding actually making a decision either way extremely difficult. I'm scared of being alone, I don't want to hurt him, afraid I'll miss him, afraid of being bitter...a multitude of reasons.

I can't ignore him forever, he will want to come home eventually but I'm scared that once I actually speak to him I may say things I regret in the heat of the moment.

Kimmieh

Just to clarify: what irks me is not only the manipulation, but that he is trying to be the hero by implying how much he has suffered because he didn't want to hurt your feelings and therefore took on the responsibility. :wtf2

Tally

Yeah, that's the part of the email that really annoyed me too! Read below

Tally

Yes, totally agree! If I'm honest my decision is probably 99% made but I'm scared to say it because then it's done and I have to follow through.

Kimmieh

"Lose weight first then we will know if that is the only problem. Why would I go to the doctor and have a few simple tests done when it's all your fault and all you need to do is lose weight?"

It sounds so ridiculous. When you ask him why this problem existed before the weight gain, he will probably blame it on the wallpaper in the bedroom.

TakingCharge999

I understand not wanting to have a knee jerk reaction, I am totally visceral too. The therapist recommended to take 3, 4 days before commenting on a problem. You do not have to react or to say anything. If he asks just say "I do not feel like discussing this now." After a few days you will see this differently... give yourself some time, you do not "HAVE TO" anything, its all your choices, your decisions and there are no timeframes.

Tally

Yeah I know, I guess I'm just trying to push myself to make my mind up, it's been 6 days now and I'm still as indecisive as I was.

Thentram

posted before I was done writing, will re:edit

Thentram

edit: hmm, posted before I was done writing, post is below

ItsmeAlice

I just cannot get past the fact that he is now making his sexual difficulties with you entirely the fault of your weight and saying that he never said you were causing him problems until now so as to spare your feelings. I'm sure my own weight issues are driving this train, but...

On top of that, he has no medical proof that the problem is not a physical one on his part. He wants you to put in the time, sweat, and tears to lose weight before he will consider other culprits. Even then, there is no promise that he will go to the doctor or that he won't just come up with some other blamestorming result naming you the culprit again.

The words that come to mind are far to vulgar for me to post here.

If it were me replying to him, I would tell him that I understand he chose the easy way out by not telling me the fault was mine to spare my feelings. I can understand this as I will be choosing the easy way out myself and taking the offers of lovin' I've received from others rather than work by buns off for it from him. Buh buh buhbye.

Takingcharge is right...I, too, would have to take a serious time out before responding because nothing I would be saying at this point would be civil.

Alice

TakingCharge999

Well Missus...

You have been silent 6 days.. what's the rush? he's made you wait 4 years.... you still have 1460 - 6 = 1454 days of indecision ahead of you if you are going to get "even"

I imagine you telling him: "We can revisit my weight in year 2013" I wonder if he would stick around and "be patient and understanding"

Why is that acceptable for him to put your needs "on hold" and you feel there is a rush to give him an answer or do anything?