jamienyc

I am not ready to write everything but wonder if anyone knows how to handle a situation where you have an RA in your life who you are certain cared for you and respected you, who one day seemed to have a slight breakdown (saying he was getting depressed, reminiscing about his drinking days, had some physical pain and some more things I am not ready to share) suddenly stop talking to you with no warning? This was essentially a friendship (phone and email mostly as we lived on two different coasts) that was starting to become something more but was very innocent, just two people who acknowledged an interest and attraction and wanted to get to know each other the right way to see if there was a future (we both are 40). Note, however, that until this day, I did not know he had relapsed 5 months earlier. I didn't even know he was an alcoholic.

It has been a month since I have heard from him. At first I emailed/called as usual with what was happening with me that day but as time went by I sent a few emails saying that I hoped things were well and then a few saying that I didn't understand why he stop talking to me and that I was confused and sad. I know he is alive and that the day after we spoke, he restarted a project he had been working on (maybe substitution). I did also get one email from him saying he was sorry that he couldn't go to something with me that was very important to me but his excuse was definitely legit so that is not an issue. Moreover, he has at times gone somewhat MIA but this is before we were "dating."

I wake up some days and am so worried for him because he seemed to be having such a hard time and then other days I wake up wondering how he can't even be bothered to send me a text to let me know he is ok. There was never a fight or anything. When we last spoke, there was even a comment by him about our future and also him asking me to help on a project.

I know now about dating in the first year and, in retrospect, I think that is why he wanted to take things slow. After the day he told me all these things and a few days after he stopped contacting me I started to read about alcoholism and did leave him a message saying that I think we should really just stick with being friends for a few months but that I wasn't going anywhere and hoped we could see where things would go.

I don't know why I cannot accept that he is unhealthy but instead I just feel rejected. I don't want to let go of the trust I had that he would never purposely hurt me but it becomes harder to do with each passing day. My head can clearly see that he has some serious issues (though sometimes I convince myself he is fine as I know, through friends, that he is out and about) but my heart is somewhere else. He has hurt me. And the days when I get past the hurt, I worry so much about him even though I wonder if I even cross his mind.

TakingCharge999

Hello jamienyc,

First of all welcome to SR. This is a place where you can talk about anything and not be judged, it is full of wonderful people that "get you".

I too would feel hurt. Perhaps if there was a "I am going through difficult stuff, I appreciate you but right now I do need my time alone" you would know what the deal is, not take it personal.

But it seems he was not corteous enough to "take care" of you in that way.

It is all about behavior... for me, if a person is going to disregard me like that, well... it hurts but ultimately that says a lot about THEM. It does not matter what kind of problems you have, that is not an excuse to be rude... you can always be respectful and honest.

I hope you find all the other ways in which your life is full... it is difficult when you are hurt... but its possible if you make an extra effort. You have no control over anyone's actions, but you get to decide which people enter your life.

He is a big boy, you do not need to worry about him...