TakingCharge999

I have mourned more time now, than the time I spent together with F.

And I just became my mother.

Today I had a lightbulb moment: the scene with my parents has been recreated 100%.

My dad rebuilding his life seamlessly with someone else, my mom depressed... alone. No friends, no outings, no partners, no interests. I believe its engrained in me that there is just so much happiness and when my dad left he took the 100% of it with him. It seems my mom, sister and me have the same defeated attitude towards life since then.

I have realized that there is abundance in this universe and the fact F. seems doing so wonderfully well does not mean there is no happiness for me. I find this very logical but I do not believe in my heart this is true. I feel angry with myself because I do not let great things in, I am constantly boycotting my own life. TC's worst enemy: TC.

Just as my mom and sister, I do not let myself feel joy. Or I do it at times, when the beauty of the moment surrounds me and I just have to surrender (like with my little, ever-growing bamboo I love so much).

And I becoming so frustrated with myself for not "moving on" faster. It seems suddenly all these emotions come back and I live in the same hell again. I think perhaps this is happening as for many months I had to take antidepressants, and many times I felt something that would have been strong but it was numbed. And slowly these emotions are coming out... hopefully this is what is happening, it feels like steps backwards...

My mom never EVER takes care of herself. For the most part she has spent her life sleeping. She is a job quitter, if she does not like one person, or one event, she leaves. Has been in therapy more than 10 years. I have asked her if she is depressed but she states she is happy... perhaps its my own prejudices with her. I saw one picture of a Miss Italy one day and she was IDENTICAL to my mom! She could look so great if she wanted, yet to me it seems she abandoned herself much time ago. Mothers are symbols of life and its quite defining to look to a mom that chooses living in the dark. I love her but I do not have the example of some striving and soaring to follow...

My sister is more or less the same. She married a guy, they went to Taihiti for some holidays once, he saw his friends there, well she got jealous of his friends. Nothing else mattered in that trip, she cried and cried. Same for any other trip we have had together, it seems we get excited.. to a certain extent. Then something not so great happens and we are done. My sister has this powerful vibe, if she does not like something, the whole room becomes "infected". She has traveled a lot, visited extraordinary places and she won't just enjoy the moment. The eternal worrier.

She has a great job, but two Belgium guys criticized her work, etc. well nothing else mattered but these two Belgiums that made her crazy. It did not matter she lived in a great apartment. That she has the river at 20 steps away. That she lives in a little nice town in France. That she has a loving, good husband. She's made no friends there either. Works, complains about Belgiums, go home alone to have dinner, overeat. Repeat.

I just became her too. No energy for new friends or will to even read the news. My motivation is intermittent. I am very, very unstable.

I am now a recluse. I am trying to make an effort for this guy I am seeing but that is about it. I see this wonderful, handsome guy starting to show real affection to me and its just like bleahh, I kind of feel something at times, ok lets go for coffee and I will put on makeup.. but I am not so excited either... lots of plans, stuff that I see and it no longer makes my heart beat... I feel bored, I do not want to talk about what I lived or anything at all, its as if I'm living between hell and limbo!

I also feel guilty for trying a new relationship with someone else (poor guy, if he knew what kind of troubled woman he is seeing!!). How sick is that, to have xAbf without problem with someone else almost right away, when its been like 9 months already and I still feel I "owe" him something?

How do you know when you need your time alone and when you are just avoiding life because you are depressed? How do you know if your pain is real or its just something you are getting used to?

Its like I can start seeing the horizon, the promises for the future, what I got the present moment, things I look forward to but I do not let myself become too excited. Or I think, "yes, this will happen, then what?"

Then I have better days but it lasts just a few moments, then I am back to the old thinking...

My strong emotions have affected my work lately and I am considering seeing the psychiatrist - although I am not sure I want to start antidepressants once again. I do not know if in therapy, SR, alone I will be able to handle my context. I feel its such a burden once again, one I cannot carry anymore, I am exhausted. My stomach is in pieces and what worries me the most is my job, I got to concentrate a lot, and I have made many bad mistakes that affect my image greatly... I feel I have failed, just considering having to take those pills again so I no longer care and my emotions are not all over the place, because I can't control them by myself.

OK. done with the whining. Will keep with some inner work this weekend. I know there is a lot of victimhood all over this post, my grandmother was the same way so I will try to inform myself about victimhood and martyrdom..

Thanks for being with me on this rollercoaster and being so patient. I just wanted to vent, again been crying a lot tonight and this makes me feel better.

catlady61

TakingCharge........... I have never read anything that resembled my feelings like this post......... its so hard to live like this ..... I have been thru this and I know that feeling of dread that if I let myself feel joy & happiness then something triggers & I feel sad & lonely again.......When I met my ABF I finally let my guard down & gave him my heart, now here I am 14 1/2 years later not knowing if he is staying or leaving me because he is in "therapy" (dui enforced) and met a girl younger than my oldest child would be (rip). I feel like a recluse ....my job ended in April and I am here at home looking for a job....thinking all day & all night about how the alcoholics that have passed thru my life have affected me and why I feel this way............... it doesn't seem to matter how many people tell me to just live my life...... this feels like it is my life.......and its hurts so much day in & day out to think that one day you just are so insignificant and unloved by the person you gave your love so freely too. I am thankful each & every day that I do have 2 sons who love me and I know that God loves me.......... the ABF all of a sudden "does not know" his feelings after all these years of saying I love you to me every day .....so yeah I understand.....

TakingCharge999

Hi catlady, thanks for responding... :ghug3

Its like they say around here, being on a "hallway"... one door surely closed... but then you try to see where you are going and you are not sure what else is there... and then time passes and you are not sure if "this is it" or how much else it will take, or if you are doing it all wrong??

I looked for a job for 8 months and know the frustration, but suddenly I got a good chance so I am sure you will be cared for... just as I was at that time...

I think these are the moments catlady that the Steps 2 and 3 come in.. I mean if I have no faith I am nothing.. I cannot do this without a higher power guiding me through the dark... my life is truly unmanageable again

I am angry with myself for not keeping up my motivation in life, and wonder how other people are so constant and just do things, are amused by a lot of things... it seems I am a grinch and loner... wondering if its a stage?? or if I am really better off with all this time alone to dig deeper into all this madness.....

I am rambling a lot tonight.. thanks for being out there!

TakingCharge999

I forgot to say I am sorry this man is looking for answers elsewhere... having lived most of the last 10 years among men due to my career, I just envy them so much... life seems so much easier for them.

I wonder also about the AH and other boyfriends in my life, for sure I have looked for emotionally unavailable ppl..so I need to own that part of me.

I am also sorry about your son, but I know he is watching you from above, and one day we will meet up there with all the meaningful ones that left earlier... ah, if only words could heal the wounds.

MeHandle

TC999 , you have it!!! It's there!!! You said it!!!!!! I read it!!!

Surrender it all TC. Surrender to love. THis is the big picture. Then step into the process, one step at a time. Give into the process.

There is a real God(an actual person) out there, waiting for you to surrender, wanting you to surrender...... So that He can carry you through the process that you many know love , joy and peace. And even when you are not holding on to Him, He will keep holding on to you cause He wants to carry you forward as you continue to surrender. He is more then human, so He can.

Step 1: :-) equals surrender

love tammy

naive

hi takingcharge-

we are all gathered here together because of our alcoholics. and we've been gifted with a program to work, one whose ultimate goal is a spiritual awakening. in order to walk this path, we must face ourselves. this is not easy work and it requires practicing self-honesty and facing both the good and the bad within us. not the easiest task.

alcoholics aside, what do you think the purpose of your life is? this work that you are doing is actually much bigger than your problems with xABF...it is hard work and your note attests to the ups and downs of such a journey.

i believe that the 12 steps work because their basis is surrender, self-accountability and service. in my opinion, most people march thru their life reacting...we've all done that due to the chaos caused by alchololics in our life.

now, we have gotten off that ride and turn our attention to steering our own boat thru the sea of life. and that takes a lot of courage and endurance. i don't think that many people take the time to do this painstaking work but we have this opportunity and we both know that at the end of this soul searching, there will be a transformation, if we dedicate ourselves honestly and humbly to our work.

i found your letter both fresh and honest. i could also feel your tiredness. push on in your work of self-discovery. the wise man takes these times of quiet within the storm to gather energy for the next wave that life throws him. if in each challenge, we can remember to turn to our hp in surrender and continue on the path of what we know is right and true, we will surely find our way.

bookwyrm

(((TC)))

I'm all too familiar with the the lack of concentration, the exhaustion and feeling like things are out of control. You sound so depressed. Hang in there.

Please consider going to your doctor. If you have to go take some anti depressants to get you through this 'blip' then make life a bit easier for yourself and do it! Its really hard to break out of the stinking thinking at the best of times, when you feel so low it's even harder.

You're not alone. You have all of us here at SR. You have given so much to everyone on the boards, its time to give to yourself! You usually sound so full of energy, so curious about everyone and willing to comfort and share. Be kind to yourself. Treat yourself more gently. I do think you're still making progress - you've identified family behaviours that you seem to have adopted. That speaks of self examination and inner work to me! Progress not perfection is the name of the game after all...

Remember, we're all rooting for you!
:ghug3

isurvived

I can share many of your feelings. Depression? Perhaps. Why not? If anybody would suffer from depression, it would certainly be people such as us — we've waded in the murk of hopelessness that surrounds alcoholism, and it's hard not to get mired down.

This is where FAITH can really pull you out. It was the only thing that really helped me get out/away to a healthier mind frame.

blessed4x

(((((TC))))).....I get it, really I do. Every word of what you are saying. I'm not really a vengeful person, but amongst all of the advice I've gotten someone said, "The best revenge is a life well lived". It got me thinking. I decided to start doing things. Going to cook-outs, lunch with friends, reaching out to people. Heck, I'm 45 years old and going on my first float trip in a month.

So what started out as "revenge".....not the purest motives I admit, has turned into something much sweeter. I'm finding myself again. Every day I notice that a small part of my brain that was occupied with my A is being replaced with things like how I can decorate the house, or where I'm going to take the kids on vacation and how much I have to save every paycheck to get there. I am starting to notice everyday miracles. The phone rings and just the person I need to talk to is on the other end. I overhear a conversation in line at a store with words that seem to be God speaking directly to me.

TC you are going to make it. There is so much love and hope beneath your pain. Give yourself some grace.

TakingCharge999

You all rule :ghug2 thank you so much for every post!

I am realizing motivation comes from "one day at a time"... If i think about the future I get tired already, tired and unmotivated... but if I think only about today, some things seem attainable.

R in Recovery can stand for Responsibility, too...

I could drag myself all day but I will start cleaning the apartment... will prepare a good meal.... put nice music... draw a little... go walk around the block... try to look pretty at night (seeing the guy today) ... we are going to watch a movie at home...

Thank you for inspiring me to do all these things. I cannot thank you enough for your kinds words... you are all truly amazing!

I will see if my insurance covers a psychiatrist...and if it doesn't I already know where to find one... I cannot go on like this. Its unfair to me...

TakingCharge999

PS Thanks MeHandle, I think I will write a letter to God to help me out and send me all His messengers, angels, messages, etc. because I need to wake up I think I am angry with Him too, but I know if I work on this one relationship it will all be OK

FunnyOne

TC, we can go through this together! I know you and I have shared this before, but I find I am getting my faith back more by reading books like The Power of Now. I also loved the Four Agreements which actually also has a workbook to go with it.

Good for you for forcing yourself to go out, I am not a huge Dr Phil fan but he does say that sometimes you just have to behave your way into it. Fake it til you make it.

Depression is often physiological, a chemical change in the brain...I know I couldn't make it through some of the things that I have without my anti's.

TakingCharge999

Thanks a lot Funny One... I did not know that book came with a workbook. I need to check it out.

For now I am just reading about the Step1 and got fixed some french toast. One thing is checked....

Also, I had forgotten today its my sis' birthday! I am calling her... will send her an e card.... and will try to pass this time thinking about her and what she has taught me, and the good times...

Sometimes I feel I am just clinging to a rock, even with my teeth, for dear life.

gns

Takingcharge , it is so nice to read your posts - you are so thoughtful and insightful.
Thanks for sharing your process with us!

I look forward to your posts.

TakingCharge999

Thanks gns... mainly I just whine LOL
Hey, a "LOL" on this thread.. that IS progress..!

Ok so I called my sister, left a VM... will try calling her tomorrow
I sent her an e card saying above all she is the best sister in the world and I hope she remembers many ppl love her and want to see her happy

Amazing how codie it is to realize everyone's good traits but ours.

On with the cleaning step...

TakingCharge999

Ironing now........

I am a good ironer.

TakingCharge999

I ironed a white shirt very mindfully, as if nothing else mattered in this world, its so therapeutic.

I have realized its almost a year since I arrived to this city and there are many triggers at this time.. makes sense for my "sudden" emotions..

I am remembering so many lies, and also how it was like to have him make fun out of me (had some weight issues and felt insecure when we went to a beach, the weekend he abused the first time)

I feel so angry with myself for missing that person.

On a diff note, I was able to talk to my sis and mom and I am looking forward to survive next week (working 24x7) and then I am off... ugh, if only I could have my memories erased, and see it all as a bad dream...

TakingCharge999

Then new guy comes over and asks me why I look so beautiful, I mean, this new guy could be a model, he certainly has the looks, and tells me HE cannot believe he is with someone so pretty? I still weight the same if not more due to stress and my lack of activity!

Talk about day and night.
I believe I go mad because I believe what others say and I do not have an opinion myself.

2 hours left before he comes and the apt. is still a mess..better hurry...


I hope no one minds I am using SR as a journal today

TakingCharge999

My mom sounded healthier and cheerful. She almost could not take the plane for health issues yet she was able to go.
I am grateful for that.

Talk about of feelings

They went to a piano and clarinet concert to celebrate, she is 31 today...

DesertEyes

Nope, don't mind at all. I love to hear how you take care of _you_ and work your recovery so diligently. You're a lovely example of how we can make a new life for ourselves.

Mike